My situation has deteriorated to an irrepairable level... <P>H's OW phoned today and asked me to "stay away from us," as I 'ruined their relationship the last time.' H is currently re-incarcerated (parole revoked, see my profile for all the lurid details) and when H phoned today I confronted him with this new information. H acted shocked & frightened, denied the affair had continued after his release, asked me to please visit him so that he could talk with me in person and explain the situation. <P>I would almost be willing to give H a THIRD chance if it was not so obvious that there is no hope. He has lied to me (& friends & family & EVERYBDOY) for so long now that I don't think he is capable of being truthful. If it were not for overwhelming evidence that he simply is not willing to make any effort whatsoever to salvage both his life and our marriage, I would go through Hell and back (again) to try to help him and us once more. <P>What evidence? Well, other than the OW phoning me with lurid details of their relationship (and warning me to "stay away from her man"), when H was released I asked him to change his pager & cell numbers & give me the access codes so that I could be sure that he was: (a) being honest about going straight, and (b) being honest about the affair being over. Of course he never changed the numbers, or gave me the codes. I was disappointed but decided not to press the issue because it seemed like he was actually trying. H also insisted on living on his own, to "readjust to the outside," much to my disappointment, and took to hanging out with some *special* new friends he'd made in jail. H promised me that we would go to counselling, or at least he would, but this never materialized either... Of course, now I see that the only effort he was actually making was to hide his betrayals. <P>As far as I am concerned there is no more relationship to salvage; H has lied to me for far too long and about far too much. I feel ill to think that he lied to my face, to everybody, about everything - every day, with every breath... Nothing he could say, or do, or promise, would be able to regain my trust/respect/love... <P>All H has to offer is more lies, more pain. I don't deserve to be treated this way and don't want to allow it to continue anymore. I told H our marriage was over; I told him when he is re-released I would like him to collect his things; I told him that I do not want him in my life anymore. I'm not angry with him, and actually I'm not at all shocked. I regard him with about as much emotion as I'd regard a piece of cardboard. I'm drained, emotionally, and spiritually. I have nothing left in me to feel anger, to feel betrayal, or even mourn the death of our marriage.<P>To think after everything, after all the suffering, the promises, and the backbreaking efforts, that our marriage would still wind up shattered. I feel so very empty. <P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<BR>

Hi Elixer,<P>Sorry to hear about your unexpected bumpy ride. Pretty crappy stuff. Yes, you do deserve better. And, you'll find your way through it.<P>Your situation is so much more complicated than that of some of us here. It's difficult enough to contend with an OP in one's life, nevermind having it all entangled with incarceration.<P>Geez, I just hope I can ask some half-intelligent questions here. Okay, if he's treated you like such crap, if this OW is sooooo obnoxious and threatening, if he allows this all to continue while giving you no hope, why SHOULD you bother?<P>Elixer, I'm getting to know you better and I know you respect strength. I know you speak your mind and want others to do so as well. So, I ask you, what's in this for you?<P>He's got a whole history of lying to you. He's put your life in jeopardy in ways that almost all of us on the Forum have not had done to us. He's got a LOT to prove to YOU!<P>How might he do it? Gotta totally turn his life around. With LOTS of counselling! Is he willing? Can you help him? Do you want to help him?<P>Due to the nature of this forum being about "building" rather than tearing down, I'll assume that for now there's some chance your responses are positive. And, that you've got some chance of getting your H to turn around.<P>Then again, you know realistically there's a strong chance it may not be salvageable. If you choose to try, to do your best, and you can't make enough difference...welll.... at least you'll have some consolation of knowing you did your best. And, you'll have one hell of a depth of resources from which to begin a life with someone who can give you what you need.<P>There's no shame in trying. There's no shame in loving someone who's doing his best to make himself unloveable. But, I guess I'll just gently test you... is it really the end? Maybe. Maybe not. Only you know how much you've got left.<P>One last serious question...are you physically safe? If he's that unpredictable, or his OM is that belligerent, are you in danger of being harmed?<P>Anyways, hang in there. Keep posting when you can. You've got friends here.

Boy, I don't know what to say. Just hope that you get to the point where you see you do have the ability to have a good future, and it seems that your future could be better without him.<P>When we are told one thing and actions speak another, it works for a while - but when we can stand back and see things objectively, sometimes the reality is pretty shocking.<P>I would say right now that is where you are at, in shock. Shock of reality.<P>Keep us updated.

I'm so sorry that everything is so entangled and messed up for you.<P>Good luck and God bless you on everything that you'll be going through.<P>I'll keep you in my prayers <P>

Gosh Elixer,<P>I am all for rebuilding marriages too....but really marriages are people and if there is not point in continuing it is silly to keep on trying just for the sake of rebuilding a marriage simply because one beleives that is what one should do...<P>When the horse is dead keepin on kickin it aint gonna make it live again...<P>You do deserve better...you are worth more than you have recieved....<P>Close your eyes and see him in your minds eye and see him in the hands of your God (or whatever you have as spiritual and meaningful to you) gently being cared for...gently being nurtured...gently being imbued with soft glowing healing light and love....see the frightened boy that he is... being soothed...being calmed...and let God take care of him ....and set him free with love and grace and thank him for blessing you with many trials....many tribulations that have added to your growth, and taught you many things.....hold him in the palm of your hand...open your hand wide...and blow him gently on his way wishing him well on his journey of discovery....<P>Then see the blessing of that gentle healing light surround and cover you in its gentle loving peace and allow it to permeate thru your body...caressing the tiredness away...gently massaging the emotional fatigue of the fighting and the great struggle...allowing it to fade away....allowing it to drift out of your life on a cloud of tenderness...to be replaced by a feeling of peace.....a feeling of tranquility....a feeling of gentle yet powerful love....a relaxing feeling of well being....feel the love for yourself....allow the love for yourself to rise and envelop you, blessed and gently caressed by the healing light of love and peace....<P>Blessings....<P>cossie.... <P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Elixir,<P>So sorry to hear about your situation. You certainly have enough pain in your life already. I am not a proponant of divorce. I think it is a nasty business. But I do think there is a time when it does become necessary. One thing I am learning through this is that even a divorce does not end who you are. And it will not stop you H from being who he is. If you decide to divorce him it may be what he needs to either turn his life around or set him off on another road. Sometimes they need to feel the loss to gain the impact of their actions. <P>I'm starting a new thread, "Letting Go Takes Love." It might be worth visiting.<P>------------------<BR>7Habits (Dane)<BR>"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Einstein.<BR>

Elixer, I am sooooo sorry to hear about another's heartbreak when the person they love is treating them in an unloving way. The only thing I can say, is from what I have seen with people who have been incarcerated is that, ofcourse he wants you to visit him in jail. They have nothing else to do and visits, letter, are the only thing they look forward to, NO MATTER WHO IT IS! Some years ago, an ex who I wasn't even with anymore, was arrested and asked me to visit him. PLEEEZ!!! I don't do visits to ANYONE in jail!!! You need and deserve better!