That is called REWRITING HISTORY, J! Classic, classic, classic!

If you will just view her as a falling down drunk you will better understand her state of mind. That is EXACTLY her mentality.

Mel's right. Here's the kicker...your wife BELIEVES that re-written history. Its her mind's way of tricking itself so she doesn't have to face up to the reality that this whole nasty business is her cheating on you.

There's no point in fighting with her about it right now. Ignore it, and work on your plan A. CARROT AND STICK!

ROFL !

J, you HAVE to know that your WW has been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a pod person !

They change and love you. Honestly.

This too shall pass.

journeyer,

You know, there's a lot the same between our WW's. For one thing, 'you never loved me' is also familiar to me. Also, the sex between my wife and I increased a lot over the last few months before D Day. I think that's common.

My wife is always, always rewriting history. She even hides pictures of us when we were 'in love'. Like the picture of us kissing in bed on our honeymoon. Her other favorite saying's include: 'our love is more like a brother / sister love', 'I love you because your the father of our children', 'you weren't there for _____' fill in the blank.

Favorite topics include: abandonment and loneliness, you (the BS) didn't provide enough money, you were depressed and you should be on medication, I'm fine (WW) I don't need to see a psychiatrist, you screwed up our children, the children are fine and will get through the divorce just fine, the other man knows me like no one else, on and on and on.

HWW

MelodyLane,

Is that your real name? I love that name!


Yep, also known as gaslighting. My WW is undisputed queen of it.


That is a great analogy. She is like a drunk driving around with her vehicle piled full of empty MD 20/20 and Colt 45 bottles. Let me tell you how I came up with that, but prepare to be sick. She has been driving around for a week now with a garbage bag full of clothes in the back seat of her car. There is also a full change of clothes(worn) in there from Saturday night, including undergarments, in the back floorboard. I ask her to please remove her dirty underwear from the car because I need it to drive for a class out of town tomorrow and I have a co-worker riding with me. How's that for likeness to a falling down drunk?

So what's it gonna be Journeyer? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Plan A, Plan B, or Plan D?

Your WW is showing all the classic wayward behaviors! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I think you have a chance at recovery if you want to work the plans!

Stay Strong!

Everyone here is right that your wife is displaying mostly classic WS behaviors.
But, remember... only you can decide if you want to stay married to this woman... we can't do that for you. Personally, with some of the things she has said to you, I most likely would not. Others would. Guess what, none of that matters.
If you want to stay married to her, work the plans. If you don't proceed to divorce.
And just to let you know... your threatening divorce and the changes that it brought about in her is not unusual. Some people, and your wife may be one of them, respond to Plan FU a lot better than they do to plan A.
MEDC

WTF,

I would say plan A with exposure and threat of D for the stick.

MEDC,

I still have some hope of saving the M, but it is not like it was. Her behavior has done some serious damage, I am finding it very hard to maintain any respect for her and I am quickly losing my desire to have her back. But it is still there to some extent, just not like it was.

You are correct in that people respond differently to different things. I think I am learning that my wife will only respond to strength. When I first told her that I wanted a D, she was very defiant, saying that is exactly what she wants. Next day, she got cold feet and was visibly scared. Now she is trying to be nice and avoid the issue. Good time for me to stay cool and plan my exposure. If this fails, D will come quickly, I am fully ready if necessary.

J-man,

""I am going to expose, but I want it to be very strong because the 2 lovebirds are liars of Satan like skills. I want pics, so I'm calling a PI.""

Can you say PROCRASTINATION??

By the time you get all you need it will be WINTER!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

So did you call the PI yet?

kirk

Well, she finally came to me last night to talk about the D. After a little trouble out of her, which I expected, she finally agreed again that I get the home and property. I gave her some of our 'stuff' to compensate for the equity payoff.

Then she told me that the reality of this has not hit her yet and she seemed disturbed by the fact that this will be final in only 60 days after I file, which will be on Monday. She ask if I can delay the filing for a while. I said 'the affair ends and we work on our marriage, you have until Monday to decide'.

Now I need to work on exposure. I'll keep everyone updated on how this works out.

Why are you cooperating with a divorce scheme?? Do you really want to be divorced? You are making life changing decisions with a FALLING DOWN DRUNK! Are you smoking crack, my friend??

j, please stop this insanity! You are in pure reactionary mode and are allowing a DRUNK to drive the ship of your FAMILY. You are ALL your child has and you are leaving the fate of your family to a DRUNK! WHY? Your D and your WW need you to STEP UP TO THE PLATE!

Take back control of your ship. Your family and your marriage need you to be in charge now.

You can start by refusing to cooperate with any divorce. Your W does not want a D! She is in fantasy mode and has no idea what she wants! Her mood for a D will change dramatically in 30 minutes and then back again. Yet, here you are making life changing decisions for you and your DD based on her drunken mood de jour! STOP!

Tell her you will not cooperate with any divorce schemes and will only discuss marital recovery. Tell her if she wants a D, she will have to find the money and file. And tell her you will be countersuing for ADULTERY, calling the OM as a witness and will go for the house and full custody with NO alimony. She will have to get a job and find her own digs. Make sure she knows that she will have to FIGHT for a divorce with you, because you will make it hard.

This will give her second thoughts about her little fantasy.

And more importantly, IF YOU WANT TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE, YOU MUST EXPOSE!! I don't mean TALK ABOUT it, I mean DO IT! DO IT. NOW. You don't need pictures from a PI. You know she is having an affair, she has ADMITTED IT. If you don't expose her now, she is going to PRE-EMPT you with talk of divorce and spin it in a way that looks innoculous ["we just don't have anything in common anymore," blah, blah, blah...] So when you EVER DO get the nads to expose, you will just look like a bitter H in reactionary mode.

Please, please get up and help yourself. Your ship is headed for the rocks FOR NO GOOD REASON. You cannot control everything, but there is much you can do to help yourself. Please DO IT!

What exactly does "work on" mean? What is your plan?

I don't know ML. I think I would divorce too.
One of the take home points that I took from the video that you posted here is that even Dr. H agrees with a persons decision to divorce a WS.. BUT if they want to be married, that he has a plan that can help them save the M. Personally, I would choose divorce here myself...but that really is a decision that the person needs to make for themselves. See, this site can become a place where people that are making very healthy decisions to divorce can be pressured to keep a M that they are not sure is worth saving. IMHO, I think our focus should be helping people figure out what they want and then supporting them in recovering their M if that is where they decide to go.
Until I hear this poster say that he wants this M and is willing to go through the terrible pain and anquish to save it, I find it hard to press him to do things towards that end. The ONLY reason I see for exposure right now is to make sure that any other injured parties are aware of what is going on. If he truly wants this woman back... then full steam ahead... expose... expose... expose..
But the real question for me is... does he truly want this? If he's not sure or the answer is "no" then I say exposing will only piss her off and hurt his chances at getting the best settlement he can get. In this case, he should get it all in writing and if he chooses to expose later, at least he is protected.

Based on what you have said about your wife, I think you have a good approach here. It is not MB 101, but some people respond to the Plan FU better than anything else. I think this is the best approach for YOU at the current time. I have a distinct feeling that by the end of the weekend, you will have a wife that agrees to NC and recovery.

MEDC, he said he wanted to save his marriage.
I am operating on that information and will until he says otherwise.

I read that too ML... it just comes across as I am not sure...
"some hope" and then the qualifier leave me wanting for a clearer response from him.

Like me... I still have "some desire" to put my little family back together....but I will NEVER subject myself to that crazy woman again.

But I certainly see where you are coming from.

MEDC

Unfortunately, he may end up divorced by going along with this. Going along with her D scheme only facilitates her affair fantasy and gives her the impression that he doesn't care enough to fight for his family. He is cooperating with someone whose goal is the destruction of his family. NOT A SMART MOVE!

sometimes divorced is a good thing.

Agree!


His wife knows that exposure would be RUINOUS to her affair and here he is actually PROTECTING her and the OM while his marriage crumbles.

J, now whose side are you on? Is the goal to HELP the OM carry on his affair with your wife? Are you on his side or yours?