MelodyLane,

You still have not told me if that is your real name or not, so I refuse to talk to you any more until you do, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Let me give you some facts about this that I don't think you know, maybe it will help.

About the D:

Our state is a no fault state, I cannot sue her over the adultery.

There is no alimony in my state, ever. Only child support. I will pay that or we can have joint custody if our daughter decides to live with me half the week.

My daughter is 17 and wants to live with her mom. I won't interfere with that, but I have reminded my WW that her current behavior is very inappropriate and is setting a bad example for adult behavior to our daughter(she ignored this of course, she is currently less mature than my daughter).

I DO NOT WANT THE D, but I cannot live like this any longer. I have fully explained this to her. I am a professional with a fairly high pressure career and this if affecting my ability. She is blatantly disrespectful to me, and that, not the A is what has prompted me to file for D. She has 60 days from the time I file, on Monday, to change her mind. As I was saying, the terms are: NO AFFAIR, work on M. I suggested a 6 month trial for this, after which time, if we are both not willing to continue, we get the D.

My wife has a job that is sufficient for her to get her own place and support herself.


About exposure:

She is still in denial about who it is, but it is a married co-worker. I want pics and here is 3 reasons why I want them:

1. I have been told by friend of OMW that she has been through this many times before and he always convinces her he is not screwing around and she warned me that I may need hard evidence because OMW is one of these people who wants to believe it is not true.

2. These 2 have worked together for 15 yrs. at same family owned business. If I just go tell the owner with no proof, OM and WW will convince owner that I am just trying to cause problems for her because we are having problems, or something like that. If I get pics and have to show them to the owner, they will both be fired, guaranteed. The owners wife and daughter do not like my wife and the daughter hates OM, they would love this.

3. If I do decide on D, I can use the pics to persuade her in case she starts getting difficult to deal with. It would be some very strong persuasion.

MEDC,

Thanks for the support. I'm glad you can see that I have good cause to divorce this WW based on her own decisions.

MelodyLane and MEDC,

No fighting you 2! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

MelodyLane,


This was quite a while back. Did you read the post where I actually caught them together by putting a GPS logger in her car? That became the new worst temper tantrum I have ever seen and it completely shattered her arrogance about no one ever catching her. She is now scared half to death that I will expose this and I know fully well that it will have a huge effect on the A. I have since changed my mind about exposure and I would myself advise BS to do the same. But at the same time, I have to admit as bad as I hate to, I am no longer convinced like I was that I want to stay married to this woman. She has been inhumanly cruel to me. Sure she is being nicer now because she is scared, but I mean, she has hurt me very deeply

Mel and I are not fighting. I don't fight Texans! I feel too sorry for them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

J, no, my name is not Melody, but DANA! close, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Has your DD been told about the affair, J? And what are your plans to get said "proof?" I see an affair that has dragged on for no good reason, that might have been killed long ago had it been exposed. You have a powerful weapon in your hands that has not been used.

I don't blame you for getting worn out, but I think that is partly because you have no plan and have not been defending yourself. It is tiring to be fired upon every day with no defense. I do see excellent opportunities here if you will only use the weapons at your disposal.

I still do not think you should be talking about D with her unless you are fully convinced that this is what you want. We have had far worse cases than yours come back from the dead. I am understand considering D AFTER you have tried to save your marriage, but you really have not done alot here. Your greatest weapon has not yet been utilitized.

And I sense some reluctance on your part about telling your D the truth. It is in her best interest to know the truth, J;. Dr Harley is ADAMANT that the children be told the truth. She can see the turmoil in your lives and needs an explanation. If she is not told the truth, your W will be free to lie to her about your proposed divorce. This will free up your wife to introduce her to her OM eventually, without her knowledge. Everyone should know about the affair, J. Exposure kills affairs.

shaddup, you carpetbagger! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You don't have to be convinced you want to stay married to expose. Even if you don't stay married, your exposure will still deal the desired effect on the affair.

J, expose this affair!

OK...one thing to realize up front.

Mel and I never agree on anything. It's a matter of principle. They only thing we agree on is that we agree that we'll always disagree. Got it?

Now, with that said.

I agree with Mel!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Go back and reread plan A please. Read the post about "the carrot and the stick of plan A". Did you see ANYTHING about the stick of plan A being plan D??? Nope!

That stick is EXPOSURE.

You're well aware that your wife fears this stick...but you stand there blithely doing nothing with that stick in your hand while your wife continues on with her affair.

Do you WANT a divorce? If so, file on Monday. And drop any and all plans for reconciiliation. Quit pushing for NC, quit trying to win your wife back.

Do you WANT to reconcile? Then quit moving towards divorce!! Get a PLAN to reconcile, and start working that plan!!! Divorce and reconciliation are two OPPOSITES here. You CANNOT work towards both at the same time...you'll fail at both, miserably!

If you want to reconcile, then start working a REAL plan A. Read up on it, make sure you've got it in your head, ask questions here, and IMPLEMENT IT...NOW.

I agree that it IS your right and choice to divorce...no issues with that.

I think your biggest issue right now is that you need to decide what you WANT TO DO...and THEN WORK TOWARDS THAT GOAL.

Until you get a goal, any advice is useless. Your first step is getting that goal.

I know, I have to do it. I really screwed up because this would have been so easy. I discovered her top secret parking spot, that could never be discovered with the GPS and then instead of calling a damn PI to follow her after he picked her up, I had to go down there myself. Even though I clearly seen them leaving the spot(they nearly drove right past me), she still denies it! Of course that is because they are going to both get their asses fired from their jobs because of it. But, I know her new spot. But again, she knows that I know her new spot because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. But it is so much fun to watch the incredulous look on her face trying to figure out how I am doing this. Now I am afraid the PI is going to really cost me because of my impatience. When will I ever learn?

When does the PI start?

Post deleted by Pepperband

Also, lets discuss good exposure targets. In your case, 2 key exposures that should be at the top of your list would be the OMW and their employer. Right after them would be her parents, close friends, your parents, siblings. Any others you can think of?

You didn't answer me about your teenage DD, but she should be told the same day so that she doesn't hear it from someone else, especially your wife.

If you hire the PI to start today, he can start this weekend.

y'all are threatening people WITH MY NAME?? ROFL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry Mel, but the guy kept (keeps) being so HESITANT on the exposure issue.

He needed a strong desparado with SPURS to prod him in the right direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ok, I have a real dilemna here now. Saturday night my WW took off and did not come home until around noon the next day. This makes me think that either I was wrong about this being the married co-worker because he could not have stayed out all night, or that she has more than one lover. Since she has been doing this every Saturday night, although she has been staying at her brothers until this night, just sneaking out and coming back there before too late, I will get my PI to monitor her activity next Saturday night and see if we can get a positive on OM identity. In case it is not the married co-worker and turns out to be a single person like she has been saying, how do I expose with no OMW? Do I just tell her family, would that be effective? Should I just do it now or wait for the PI to report? I'm confused. I also have another question.

I have been having very bad anxiety attacks and depression since this started and I finally broke down and went to my doctor and got some meds, both a short term and long term anti-depressent. The long term AD sent me into a full panic attack and I had to stop taking it. The short term one is however calming me down a little although it makes me a little sleepy at times. Does anyone have experience at using meds to stay calm and focused during this time of great turmoil? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

J:

Never suppose that the OM can't spend the whole night out. Your WW just did.

Stop piddle-farting!

LG

OMW may have been out of town, who knows. If you really want to find out who she's with, get on the PI thing or do some snooping on your own. Your WW is blatenly disrespecting you. Everything that is happening right now is bad enough... don't add to the insanity by making things up in your head (like a different OM)! Find out the facts and take steps to protect yourself. Knowledge is power.

God bless,

KM

journeyer,

I know exactly how you're feeling right now! Man, I'm with you buddy. It's an intense feeling and the only way I got through it was through prayer. It's the withdrawl symptoms Dr. H. talks about here. Unfortunately, every time you see your wife, you get to start the process over again. It's tough. I know.

Do you have someone you can vent to? I talk to my sisters and they've been great.

As for the OM. My wife's OM completely surprised me. When I look back, I'm no longer surprised. I can't advise you on the meds. I've been able to avoid using them.

I've tried to stick to only facts with my wife. One fact that has worked for me is to keep a log and watch for the inconsistencies in her story. I true that when you tell the truth, a persons story holds up and nevers changes. But, a lie is very difficult to hold together. Wait a day or two and you usually see inconsistencies in the story if it's a lie.

Also, I began ADs last year and am just weening off of them now. What's most important is taking them as prescribed. Most people have side effects at first (I couldn't sleep and felt dizzy a lot) but these symptoms only lasted a week or so. After that, things were peachy. How long have you been taking your meds? If your side effects seem too debilitating, I would call your doc... maybe he can lower your dose to start.

KM

Have you gotten a PI yet?

Have you started REALLY snooping yet?

Still using the GPS?

As far as I can tell you still haven't exposed yet!

Doesn't matter if it is an "old" OM or a "new" OM. Exposure still works equally well on either.

Stay Strong!