I posted this on another subject too--

ok--hubby is a truck driver, so his OW he just confessed about is a secretary somewhere. He tells me it's been 2 months (who knows) and tells me he also loves her.
Makes me sick, I've lost 5# in 3 days.
I had no clue, everything seemed fine..sex, interactions, life...no clue. He tells me he loves her also..how are you suppose to deal with that?
We've been married 24yrs, add another. Got a 22yr old, and a 20yr old and a granddaughter. He came clean to the boys--not sure if that was the wise thing to do but felt they would notice him not being home and mom sad and sick. He's got so much to lose.
According to the Dr. I'll give him 3-4 weeks, do plan A & B, etc...I'm willing to forgive and rebuild.
My problem is how do I? He's got to be willing to come home in order for it to work. Do I just sit and wait and see if he chooses me?
How can he "love" the OW when he's only known her for such a short period of time? He tells me she didn't know he was married..BTW--I was bad, she knows now. I left her a cell phone message which wasn't too nice. I want to call her back and let her know I want her fired from her job--doubt if I do it but I'm bitter. How do I know she'll stay clear? I want to frustrate her like she did me, is it wrong?

I'm trying to be strong, but it's hard and I can't work on a marriage when I don't have the partner at home.
Any input?
Thanks!

Do not call her back, Yaw...

Write an exposure letter to her company and find out her home address and send it to her husband/BF...her parents. You can't get her fired...you can spread the truth that they are choosing to have an affair no matter how many people are being torn apart by it.

You are NOT bitter. Do you want to live in truth or fantasy? They are living in fantasy...he LOVES the FEELINGS he has, not the OW. Not real love. Not nearly a quarter of a century love...which is bone deep. You are hurting...you are not hurting back by exposing. You are bringing truth.

You cannot frustrate her. You can expose her.

Do not speak TO her...she's not worth it, 'k?

You ARE strong...your marriage is worth saving. You can come here and vent...not to WH, 'k? You can read and learn a lot...look to your own stuff...where you choose to ACT from love, not based on possible outcomes. You stay true to yourself--don't add to the betrayal.

Many of us worked on our marriages when our partners were not at home. When they had moved out and left us. Please do not choose to believe otherwise. Do not limit your possibilities or talk yourself out of choosing the right thing to do by eliminating it as a possibility.

If you want to end your marriage, then do so. You have been betrayed...file for divorce. Your choice. If you choose to save your marriage, then do it...all the way...learn to let go the outcome (not in your control) and focus on knowing at the end, you did all you could, your half of the marriage, to save it. You can be proud, know how much you've gained, and hold your head up high.

Right now, you're entitled to divorce. Doesn't end the pain, learn you much...it's a final boundary enforcement. Legitimate and real. Takes a long time to heal from. I believe in choosing the goal to save your marriage...because that's full of growth...and no one for a second could MAKE you choose...so you really know your power.

You're already strong, Yaw.

You can do this.

I respect your choice, either way.

LA

wow--just reading your letter has given me hope/strength.

I wish I could figure out where she lived, etc but it's in another state and no clue what company although I would love to confront her at least on paper. The only thing i had was her cell number which I got off his phone.

Yes, I want my marriage to work. He tells me he loves me and is riddled with guilt. We had been getting along for so long, nobody would believe this would happen.
On nerve pills, lost weight...but focusing on plan A and "getting a life". And also plan B.
I've ordered Dr H's book, but until then I'm reading the site for help.
I just don't want my hopes up thinking he MIGHT come home and then be crushed...I'm trying to let go so to speak, to a certain point.
I know this man, he's kind hearted and has treated me right for most of my life--I feel he's going through a depression or change of life, so I sympathize with him to a point, but I've got to take of me.
How hard is that??!!

Your hope is in yourself.

As we say here on MB, hope is not a plan. So don't waste your time managing getting your hopes up or not...what you're doing is working on personal recovery, ending the affair and recoverying your marriage.

Now...you have her cell...do you have a name? You know which state...can you track down a town or city? Use the internet...you'd be shocked how much information there is...does WH have email? Try cracking his account and reading his emails for details. Consider hiring a private investigator, or getting a GPS (possibly see if his cell phone has something you can track him with already)...if you get the cell phone bill, carefully go through it for any home numbers he may have called...when you reverse look up those, then you get addresses, as well.

Then you can reverse lookup the address without the name and get neighbors, others surrounding that address.

There's a great thread here on "Spying 101"...we use this to end affairs...they are to shine the light on what only thrives in darkness...and A's do. They don't hold up to the light of day. They aren't real.

Work on letting go the outcome, not your goal. Big difference in there...and during personal recovery, you can learn so much...change so much in yourself...so that you really can thrive, with or without the marriage.

All within your own power. Don't run any mindgames on yourself. You wanna live a true and respect-filled life? Then act from truth and respect.

There ya go.

Don't focus on his whys...keep your focus on you, breaking apart the affair, identifying your own LBs and eliminating them...identifying and meeting his ENs the best you can from where you are...your choice to believe he loves you...a healthy one that I advise...because he's sucked up in fantasy...not real stuff...real feelings...from false beliefs right now.

How hard? Hardest thing I've ever done...I hear you! Most rewarding, amazing and biggest blessing I've ever experienced, as well.

Life tends to be that way, don't you think?

Look up CarenMC's thread here...she was awesome at Plan A from afar (separated)...your own creativity, acting from love and authenticity can save your marriage. Are your finances separated? Don't get in the way of HIS consequences based on his choices, 'k?

Have you exposed to all of his family, in an appeal for them to help you save your marriage? Have you exposed to the company he drives for? They may have records which might help...or his log book or friends...or other drivers.

My WH moved out during his A (actually I told him to leave...my half), and I remember how exasperating it was to be in Plan A with him away. I sent flowers to him for the first time in our marriage...I made sure when he came by for our son, I was dressed to the nines, looking my best...most positive (totally opposite what he was used to)...I even asked for time equal to his with OW. I did a lot backwards, impulsively and illogically. We're recovering with full barrels, changed lives and marriage now.

What I spent my time on was snooping...used an intel service on the internet...tried to find out all I could about OW, her family...her real marital status...I obsessed. I really did.

Beat obsessing about the future or the past, though. Learned to stay present, to really breathe, meditate...went to yoga class...worked out like crazy...really helps relieve stress levels...blanks the mind for sleep...well, better than not, I found...and noticed each day I lived through and realized more. Studied MB...read a ton of threads, so many books.

You've set your goal...you want to recover your marriage. Great. It's yours. Don't worry about it...act towards it. Discover truth, spread it and stand firm for your marriage. "I don't do divorce, I do marriage."

You can do this...no doubt in my mind. Even if you have to ask for him to be followed in another town to discover all the truth, 'k? Including this woman's husband, grown children, relatives. Anyone who can aid you in exposing their affair...inform them.

LA