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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2007
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Well, after 6 months of little contact with my WW i've decided to give it one last battle before divorce. In a nutshell, she had a miscarriage and started spending many, many hours on the computer (online gaming). She became distant and i became distant and cold in return. Soon enough it was revealed that she was having an affair with someone online and she promptly moved out and moved 1000km away to be closer to him. She has shown little to no remorse for her actions thus far infact she won't discuss me with her own family who are bewildered by her actions. I recently wrote her a jovial email updating her on my status and she replied with this: I am so happy to hear from you at last, and to know that you are doing well. A big congratulations on your degree! I am so very proud of you.
Abby**(the cat) and I are doing well. We too, moved into a big 2 bedroom with a patio and she loves sitting outside with me while I do some balcony gardening. I am learning about flowers and plants and my brown thumb has turned green. I really love my plants! Abby loves to nibble on my catnip, which is taking over the flower bed like a weed! Abby seems happy, but I too sometimes get the sense that she misses those boys **(other cats). She demands playtime when I get home, and I made the very wise purchase of a stick-string-feather device which she loves. I've had to glue-gun it back together twice.
Also, I just bought a new 2007 Honda Civic!! Its beautiful and reaks of new car smell. I love having wheels alone, but having a new car for the first time in my life has been an absolute thrill. I feel very blessed. Its metallic gallaxy grey!
Well you email has brought me to tears, although I really appreciate it. I think I need to move on and it seems like you do to. Whenever my thoughts drift back to our relationship and the problems we faced, the pain is almost unbearable for me, and I dont know that I will ever be able to go back to it. I will go ahead and file papers as soon as you give me your address and we can both move on.
I hope we can talk soon. I left you a message so call me at home or at work when you have time. I'm only working a half-day tomorrow, so I might be home early (unless I can get a last minute hair appointment). Talk to you soon. I began to write my reply but i'm unsure if its the right tone to take at this point. I feel like this is the death rattle of our marriage so i'd like some criticism before i send the following response: For the record, i'm not "moving on." If you want to divorce me do it because you are too cowardly to believe that our marriage could be better than before; or whatever other reason allows you to continue hurting me without regret.
Unfortunately, i still love you. I probably always will. I understand that i was an insufferable ****** at times and i'm sorry for that. Going outside the marriage, however, was a bad move. It ****** me up for a good long while, it seemed to ****** you up too and now so much time has passed that perhaps we're too lazy to do what is required to make it right.
If you're comfortable divorcing someone who loves you as much as i do then please make it quick. I'm not sure why we need to talk on the phone as i'm still pretty unsure that i wish to be friendly with you after a year of pretending that you did nothing wrong, erasing me from memory and pretending i don't exist (did you seriously block me on facebook?).
I'll never understand the argument that "it's too painful" to go back to our relationship. My pain has also been life-changing but nontheless i have waited for over a year for you to make the decision to forgive and heal. Your pain must truly suck and i'll never fully understand it just like you'll never comprehend mine. The difference between us is that i would happily spend every ounce of my time, energy and money for the rest of my life turning your pain into a distant memory.
Again, "moving on" is not my wish. My wish has always been to "move on" as a family.
Divorce is an easy way out. If you want a divorce, you file for it.
Last edited by fin; 06/19/07 06:00 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4 |
Hmmm, in my re-reading of her email i can't help but wonder if she's now shacked up with this loser also.
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970 |
Fin,
Please don't send that email.
Please?
Catch us up on what Plan you're in...how much Harley you've read...if you've exposed, when and to whom...'k?
Oh, and if you want your marriage. Sounds like you do. Sort of. Mostly. JMO.
You don't have a sigline, so I don't know how long you were married, how old you guys are, if there are any other children, or how many times you've been married.
Good stuff to know.
I know you're wracked with pain...and it's fresh again, having communication with her...understandable. Also sounds like she is shacked up with OM...however, does she have the money to afford her own place on her own? Does she work? Did you already separate marital assets or anything?
Also, what have you been doing about your personal recovery? IC? Books? Journaling?
LA
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 4 |
We've separated our stuff but our remaining link is our pets. I am familiar with Dr. Harleys concepts and have been practicing plan B for some time now.
We were married for 2 years and together for about 8 when she had the affair. She had suffered several miscarriages and we both got depressed and fairly messed up. She claims that i wasn't there for her and treated her poorly during this period thus she fell into the arms of an old friend of mine whom she met on an internet game.
She moved away to be with him and has yet to look back.
As for myself, i've moved to a new town, got a good job, finished a degree, made new friends, devoured book after book about this experience, gone to a counsellor, and am quite delighted with the growth that i've had.
I guess i just feel like i'm worth more than this. I won't wait around any longer for her to wake up. After all, she's the one who truly wants to divorce.
I'm not sure she'll ever "wake up."
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,892 |
fin,
Receiving an email such as you quote from your WW is not even close to any semblance of Plan B. Cr*ppy Plan B's end up in Plan D. As a childless couple you have the opportunity to start and finish a dynamite Plan B.
Please read up on what a Plan B REALLY entails.
Why should she "look back" if you are there right in front of her?
Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle
You believe easily what you hope for ernestly
Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,246
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,246 |
hMM,
Anyone know of ww's that go and get into new apartments that sound expensive, and also buy brand new cars? I think those are the two key elements that tell you she isn't in that place alone. Gerenally speaking.
9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,082
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,082 |
The words, "Sugar Daddy" come to mind... I wouldn't send that email either - although it was probably good therapy for you to write it all down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Been there, done that myself - more than once.(unsent). Do read up on Plan B and take it from there. I'm sorry you're in such pain. In support, JinGA
F/40, DD15 DS13
M 1989
DDay his EA May 1998.
S Aug 2004.
D Dec 05. I filed.
4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R.
6/23/07 XH said no to R.
8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B".
1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day.
Ask me about Geocaching!
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Fin,
I understand the need to send that response but if you don't want t/b hurt again, howz about we help you come up with a better response or even better yet, call Jennifer C @ MB for a plan?
L.
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