After avoiding my W for a few days (I had started plan B), she finally cornered me at my business this evening to talk.<P>Earlier this week she went to see a psychic, who apparently told her that we had a strong emotional bond and alot of very nice things about what kind of person I am which had my W in tears, but that I have alot of problems regarding my mother's love (or lack thereof) that I need to deal with before I can be right for her. She also said that the OM may or may not be her soulmate, but that no decision will be made regarding me and him until JANUARY!!! Also, that my W is perfectly healthy emotionally and should not blame herself for what has happened. Great!<P>I love her dearly. When she came to see me, I begged her to leave but my heart couldn't bear to see her go. She put her arms around me and told me how much she loved me and I crumbled. We kissed for ten minutes. But nothing has changed. She told me that she is scared to come back to what we had before, that she is afraid to trust that our marriage will not be better the second time around. She says that she doesn't fight with HIM (except about me) and that we fought alot (which we did) before. <P>The one thing she is right about, when we see each other, there is alot of tension, alot of drama. AFter 6 months and a thousand lies, I just can't deal with HIM. She says that although he loves her and wants to make a life with her, she isn't haven't sex anymore and they are just friends -- that she loves me and doesn't know what to do. But what she does have with him is fun. Minimal dramas. And all she wants now is to enjoy herself.<P>So what do I do? Do I go back to plan A and bite my tongue and show her that I can be a fun guy? Or do I show her what life would be like without me? I know that she loves me and misses me -- how can I help convince her that we are worth a second chance?<P>If anyone that has been here before could help with an answer, it would be greatly appreciated. When I saw her tonight, I knew how much I loved her, how much I wanted her. I can't bear this pain anymore. I am right at that point where I must call it quits and move on. I am living in a country ten thousand miles from home and I don't want to be alone anymore. I just want this nightmare to end.

BD,<P>We are not to your point, but I will be watching your thread with great interest. I will say I think my W feels the same way about "being scared". To be honest, I am too. I guess we all have to let go and have faith that we will be the best we can be.<P>Eric32

Yes, Big Daddy, go to plan A fast and do not pass go. Your wife loves you and is in the temporarily insane thing and big fantasy. Show her life with you can be fun, loving and safe. I know it is a tall order not to love bust and take the crap they dish out sometimes but the end results will be worth it. <P>Employ the Marriage Builders principles and read this entire site...not just the post forum. Then get the book Surviving An Affair. It really helped me a lot and gave me hope. <P>I think you have an advantage from what I have read that it is your wife (being female) that has had the affair. It seems to me that wives usually end up choosing their husbands and family. I know this isn't always the case but it seems to be the majority of the responses here and in the books.<P>I will be praying for you and yours.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Hi BigDaddy, <P>I can't help with any advice, I am so far from where you are it's not funny, but I just wanted to say hi .... I hadn't read your profile before, and just realized we are almost neighbours!!! Well, other side of the country neighbours, but a lot closer than most of the others here. I thought I was the only vegemite eater here !! <p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited October 09, 1999).]

Thanks Samantha-MI for at least allowing me to sleep peacefully tonight. I hope and pray you are right. <P>My W says that all she wants is to be happy in her marriage, but that she wasn't before and is afraid to try again. She also says that she just wants someone who acts "normal" but that is a tall order considering what has been going on -- she's tried at least ten times to come back but has never stuck with it for more than a day or two. And yet, here we are six months down the track and she leaves messages every day on my service telling me that she loves me very much. So why won't she give HIM up rather than risk losing me? I wish I knew.<P>Bill<P>

Hi Big Daddy..<P>I read your post first and my initial thought to your question about going back to Plan A was "NO", Plan B, in my understanding is not mutually exclusive of Plan A. You still don't love bust, you still make deposits if she is occasionally around, But she should not be around in a true Plan B until you are satisfied that the OM is TOTALLY out of the picture.<BR>Having now read your profile, I even more strongly feel that you should not go to plan A yet. She has a pattern of looking outside your marriage for thrills! You must make absolutely sure she understands that a marriage with you means you both are dedicated to meeting each others' needs, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. I'm not sure she is at that point yet. She lets a psychic tell her what to feel and who to feel it for, for Gods' Sake! Don't you think it is time for her to examine her own motives for what has been happening in the last 4 years, and come to an understanding of what you both must do in terms of communication, commitment and responsibility if your marriage is to be fulfilling for BOTH of you! Don't sell yourself short and give in too soon! You can still LOVE her as much as ever, just don't back away from the reasons you went to Plan B in the first place. <P>Just my initial thinking on your situation.<BR>Weigh all the advise you get here and put in your own thinking and come to a decision, but don't go to a PSYCHIC!<p>[This message has been edited by Pilot's wife (edited October 09, 1999).]

Big Daddy,<P>I also read your profile and I agree with Pilot's wife... stick to a solid Plan B. <P>You've been through too much emotionally, and nobody deserves the kind of roller coaster you've been riding.<P>She needs a dose of reality, and you need to know that you weren't chosen because you were "a better deal"...<P>Best wishes to you!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I hear you.<P>And again, you are right. I am letting my fear rule me. I don't want the other man in the picture, friend or not. I know that his presence shows a lack of respect for me and for our marriage.<P>In two weeks it will be her birthday. We have thrown a party every year we have been together (this will be the 5th). I know that putting time limits on these things is pointless, but I fear that since the both of us (me and OM) can't be in the same room, whomever she chooses to be there -- that will be the defining moment. I would be humiliated if he stood there beside her in front of our friends (those that are left for her to invite). Not being asked would be like stabbing me in the heart with a knife -- I think she knows that. And he would never stand for being excluded. I suppose that one way or another, her true feelings are going to come out. So perhaps sticking with Plan B is one way of settling this thing once and for all.<P>The other truth is that we've been living apart since Day 1. I don't know if she really wants to give up her single lifestyle anymore. It certainly doesn't feel that way. Now, everything is about her.

SHE may think that it's all about her, but IT'S NOT. Please remember that!<P>Plan B is about YOU, and it's about time you took care of that very special commodity. I think she loves you, and I have been where she is, so I know what I'm talking about.<P>A dose of hard-nosed reality. That's what she needs. My H and I did not know about Plan-anything when we BOTH went through affairs. After his, I wanted to die, and he felt the same after mine. We are still struggling, but are together, and there are no OP involved. It's hard no matter what, but as long as she has someone else in the picture, you can't go forward. It's like mathematically impossible, you know? Three or more is a crowd in marriage!<P>You're doing the right thing! <BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>