CJ,

1. He said above he didn't send that email response. He said he saved it in draft form only.

2. I know I got carried away above (always looking for angles) but I hope you like the idea of her gettin' stuck corresponding with you via forwards through Eph's email account. Either that or request she utilize a new email address for Eph (so he can look at non-urgent matters supposedly when he chooses and not every time he logs in for work) which unbeknownst to her, Eph doesn't even have to look at ever...maybe [email]Imaplanbstud@gmail.com.[/email] Up until the court hearing she never needs to know Eph didn't read them at all.

Whatever...be creative and get Eph dark. Y'all have more experience at this than me.

Mr. W

Crap...here I go scheming again.

IF setting up a new email address is an favorable idea (one that CJ monitors and Eph doesn't even have to look at)...perhaps instead of asking her to use the new address maybe TELLING her.

Let her know that she is no longer to email Eph at his primary (personal and/or business) email address and her address has been blocked. From now on she is to use the imaplanbstud@gmail.com email address, if she chooses, for any and all non-emergency matters involving the children which Eph and/or any person of his choosing will monitor on a daily basis.

Then...at least until the hearing...CJ could forward the emails from Eph's account to her intermediary email account then reply to Eph's account then forward from Eph's account right back to WW. At least until the custody hearing this may give WW (and her attorney) the impression that Eph is reading her emails and forwarding them himself (which may meet some little need of hers) when, in fact, Eph is completely out of the loop.

something like that...I'm making things so complicated but this is just another reasonable alternative that WW will likely blow a fuse over which you get to document...again.

Mr. W

E, I know that this is hard to "get", but you ahve already won the battle...

I understand what you are feeling...the self-doubt, the fear of losing the kids, questioning if you are doing the right thing...

I get that...I've been there...you give her enough rope and no matter what YOU do, she's still going to hang herself...

please protect yourself and the kids from WW...she is pushing your buttons and you are letting her b/c of your fears...

I understand but it's just not healthy for you and hence the kids...

You can bet that she will continue to stir the pot...

When's the next court date? What are you waiting on right now?

I know it's the GAL decision...what else?

what about standing firm by your boundaries? How do you feel/will feel if you allow yourself to back down and not stand up for yourself?

Still in your corner, understanding your pain, and supporting you ALL the way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mr. W! You schemer you!

Actually, those sound like fairly good schemes...Eph, what do you think??

I like the "ImaPlanBStud@gmail.com" Haha <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

However, on work and personal, block her email...create a new, "generic" email with auto-forward to me. It's PERFECT!

I'm game if you are, Eph!



--CJ

To quote your sig line right now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eph,

These folks are dead on! Listen very closely! As you know, I have had to do what you are doing. I know how hard it is. I know the fear that if I didnt do as she asked, then I might lose my kids.

You arent going to lose your kids. You have primary custody right now. You have a great home...they are getting all that they need. You have fascilitated interactions with your WW in order for her to get her visitation time. You have come up with acceptable ways to co-parent. The GAL has agreed. Your attorney is onboard. You have a world renowned expert (Dr. Harley) behind you all the way.

What does she have??

In front of a judge, the two of you are strangers to him. He has no idea who is telling the truth. What he will have to go off of is the testimony, your demeanor, her demeanor. He will have to look over any factual evidence provided. And he will take the information from experts (counselors, the GAL, etc). Then he will formulate his decision.

In your case, you have remained with the children throughout. You did not leave, nor break up their family. You have sought counseling, and even reconciliation (which is i nthe best interests of the children). You have engaged your WW in appropriate ways and have not shown any kind of abusive behavior. You have interacted with your attorney. You have kept the GAL up to speed on things.

What has your WW done? Has she sought counseling? Nope. Has she tried to work on saving the family? Nope. Has she kept the GAL informed of what has been going on? Nope. Has she been there for the children during all of this? Nope. Has she offered constructive alternatives in order to co-parent the children? Nope.

And all of this will have been documented by you. And by keeping the GAL informed, she will also document. What will your wife have? Nothing!!

Want to know something? Right after my wife moved out the first time, she had come over to take the kids for a night (we had not gone to court yet...so I was allowing her to take them on a Friday or Saturday night for an overnighter). While at our house, she began to go off on me in front of the kids. I was already hurting pretty badly from all of this. Added to that, I had noticed that the kids had begun to settle done in our house after all of the turmoil...it had become a safe place. And then, here is my wife causing all of this in our house...our safe place.

I wanted her out. So, I grabbed her by the shoulders (kind of like a bouncer does) a began escorting her out of the house. At one point, at the front door, she turned quickly. I thought she was trying to hit me. So, I pushed back against her in order to create some distance. Well ,she tripped and fell, skinning her knees.

Next thing I know...I am in the back of a police car. And all I could think during all of this was here I was back from war, some guy has talked my wife into leaving...and now I may have screwed up completely and lost my kids.

Did I lose them? Nope. Was what happened a factor in court? Sure. But the overwhelming evidence was that I was a great Dad, that I was doing my very best to look out for them...and she wasnt. The incident I just told you about was an interaction between her in me. And that incident actually bolstered my Plan B in the judge's eyes...because I looked like the responsible one by making sure we co-parented in a way that didnt allow for those kinds of incidences.

Now, for the record, the charges against me were eventually dismissed. But, it was that event that woke me up and made me realize that if I continued to let my wife call the shots and manipulate me...and destroy everything around her...then only bad things would happen. Maybe not violent things. But no good would come from continuing on the path we were on.

So, again...your first responsibility is to trust the Lord. He has your back! If you miss something, or screw something up, he will turn it to your advantage (as that incident was turned into making me look good because I found a way to have us interact without conflict). Trust Him!

Second, trust in what your doing here. You have a great plan. Sure, it will have to be adjusted slightly at times. Maybe email doesnt work. Maybe it is too easy for her to just shut down communications and make you look like the bad guy. So, maybe an adjustment to text messages...whatever. Maybe you buy a prepaid phone, give that number to your wife and let her know that you feel the better way to communicate with you is via text messages on that phone. Then, ship the phone to CJ and let her answer the text messages.

This is a play on what Mr. W stated above via emails. Emails are actually better because you can keep a record. If you use text messages, then forward all that you send or you receive to your email account for storage.

CJ stated it above...the BIGGEST thing you need to do is document EVERYTHING! Your WW will not do this. So, when in court, she will say:

WW: "In Juvember, Eph sent an email to me stating I couldnt talk to the kids."

Judge: "Do you have a copy of that email?"

WW: "No. But he did send it."

Your attorney: "What day was that?"

WW: "I am not sure. Maybe Juvember 32nd. Yeah, that was it. He had the kids that day, and I was at work."

Your attorney (as he pulls out your journal: "Let me see, Juvember 32nd. It states here that this was a Thursday, which was your day to have the kids. But you are stating that he had the kids?"

WW: "Well, I might have the date wrong..."

Your attorney: "Your Honor, I have copies of all of the emails between Mr. and Mrs. Eph, as well as a detailed journal that Mr. Eph has written over this time, documenting child parenting issues. I would like to submit this into evidence."

Judge: "Mrs. Eph, do you have any kind of documentation that would verify your claims?"

WW: "No, your Honor."

Do you see what I mean, Eph?? You are in control. She has NO IDEA what she is doing. She has no plan. She doesnt even have Jesus right now. She is on her own, flying solo.

Trust the Lord. Trust your plan. Come here and vent or receive guidance. Rest. Stay dark. The storm will pass.

One more thing...your PBL was fine. I am not saying you NEED to change anything at this point. What I am saying is that adjustments can be made as you go along. Not because she wants them. But because you find it better for you and the kids.

Wow, what great responses from everyone. I don't know what else to say except "Thanks."

(((((MB Support Group)))))

So where do I start?

Rin - I am already laying in the net - the net of God's loving arms around me, the net of all the MB supporters here.

CJ - as Mr. W noted no reply was made to WW. I typed up a response and posted it here. I am as dark as a black hole - her communications come in and nothing comes out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mr. W - To the scheming, I like the idea of a new e-mail address. I'd like to avoid anything that refers to MB principles in the event that causes her to come snooping around here. I'll come up with something different, but the idea will remain the same.

I sent this e-mail to my lawyer to get his input - still trying to have him cover the legal bases:

His reply was:

Based on that, let's roll with this e-mail scheme.

CJ - you've got mail with the new e-mail address and necessary info. I'm gonna forward her e-mails to my work and primary personal e-mail address to this new one.

No TMs, no direct phone calls.

Should I type up a reply to send to her or should that be done by CJ (in light of my attorney's response above)?

Why don't you type up roughly what you would like the response to be, and I will filter YOUR stuff same as I filter HER stuff for hurtful remarks, unnecessary stuff, etc.

You and I can work well together...it's the Mrs. who can't.

Also, regarding your lawyer's response, remember that the goal is and always has been about a two week-one month period to get her to disentangle from you and you from her. The idea is that by disentangling and eliminating all those little hurtful remarks, you won't be hurt further and neither will the M. Without those hurts, she may start to remember "the good days" and Plan A.... So disentangle for a period and then some "business-like" co-parenting communication could probably take place like via email.

Make any sense?? It's hard, isn't it??



CJ

will do - coming up later tonight.

For those interested, here is what I sent CJ. Not sure how much she will edit it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


OK, I am going dark on you all here for a few days while I enjoy my vacation with my kids. Talk to you all on Friday.

Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm betting she will condense it down to about 3 sentences. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yeah--I think I'm going to pray about it and think on it for a day or so before I even try to send that response!

Is it just me, or does anyone else see a little DJ leaking in here and there? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's okay, Eph...this is why you needed Plan B. The facts of what you say are true. It IS in the best interests of children for their parents to be together and in love, and for their parents to guard themselves against the temptations of an A...but the way it's communicated here is not that "business-like" disentanglement I was talking about earlier. This still sounds pretty emotionally tangled to me!

Sooooo...good plan! Take a few days off with your kids. Have some fun with them. Unplug the computer, don't check your emails, and take your phone off the hook! ENJOY!!

Your mama bee,


CJ

"if you feel some non-urgent issues needs to be address in a more timely fashion, we can use this e-mail address to convey those. Please do not use any of my other e-mail addresses as this would result in delays in getting a response.

I will make reasonable attempts to have them call you around 8pm, but know that I will not chase them around and force them to talk."

I did it in three. LOL

~ Marsh

Somewhere along the way I became a wordy person. LOL. I used to be really good at cutting to the chase.

W did not like that, like the words, the "entanglement," the feeling, the emotion.

Guess I need to go back to my old self <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Marsh - so good of you to drop in again. It's been awhile. 7 MB days are like 7 years. LOL.

"You have demonstrated an unwilling to use CJ as an intermediary and by calling me, sending e-mails and text messages, you continue to break the boundaries I set regarding communications. I have offered several solutions to this, but you have rejected them all and have been unwilling to compromise by offering your own suggestions.

As I see it, it is you who is "complicating our ability to communicate." Based on your deceitful and hurtful remarks in my past attempts to communicate with you, and until you can show that you are able to communicate without those, I would prefer that all communications regarding the kids be done primarily via the notebook."

Might want to reword this......

I agree with CJ. This is waaaayyyy too long and involved. Remember, you are in Plan B now. Which means, any communications between you and her should be business-like. Straight-forward. No emotion involved.

Try writing that letter, as if you were writing it for me to give my wife. Take the emotion out of it.

Also, I think that it should be you that sends it. With the new email address, just email the new, adjusted terms. That way, it will kick off the Mr. W email scheme. As he said, she need not know that you wont be reading the emails directly. And you will be able to maintain NC and to heal.

So, re-write this and keep it short and dry.

Plan B Brevity:

"Please use this email address only for non-urgent matters. If you want to speak to the kids you can call around 8pm each day to see if they're willing to talk."

Here is some math for you all:

Kids napping + free WiFi = Eph525 accessing MB

Anyone remember the really short, short version of the wedding at the end of the movie Spaceballs?

This is my really, really short version:


Still 3 sentences <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I just sent it, now back to darkness.

I like the revised version, Eph. Good job coming to MB FIRST. I composed so many emails that were saved as drafts and never sent it was silly. Good thing I never sent them, too; so many LB's it would make your head spin.

Why not follow princessmeggy's solution, and have WW call the kids at 8PM nightly, or whatever days she wants to speak to them. If they refuse, so be it. PWC called DS every night that he was not with him at 8PM. If DS wanted to talk, he did, if DS didn't want to talk, the phone would go to voicemail. The kids should not be responsible for the initial contact; that is asking too much of them.