I read alot of posts, and granted everyone's situation is diff so I was trying to "find answers" for myself...but can't.

My husband and I have been together for 25/married 24, 2 older boys, and actually the last few years have been very good--so I thought. He only became a driver 2 yrs ago--met the gal 2 months ago (he says), I have no clue where this gal is or what company she's at.

My confusion is: "tell everyone" --this I don't understand because it not only shames him but our family, I understand it's the guilt thing, but wont' the perception be that he's no good (which at the moment he is) but then we have to live with that.
Also--since he's not around, I can do plan A -- take care of myself, working on that. Plan B cuz he's gone...if/when he calls I'd be more uptempo, short conversations, etc...and then what? Am I just praying and trying to accept it? I read some things that say confront her/write her parents/shame her/ruin her life like she did mine but I don't know who/where etc info on her...then I read let it be and the stress etc will wear on them..I'm getting mixed signals.
I don't know how I'm suppose to go on when he's not around. He professed he loves me, and not my fault, etc..I feel like I'm suppose to give up and I truly don't want to .
I've got an apt with a counselor today (frist time)..I want him back, but he's gone<<which might actually work for my benefit cuz I wouldn't have to see him. Dr H said in one of the webpages that once a spouse is separated that chances are he may not come back<<would this be the same thing I'd be going through or is it a diff type of separation?
I NEED ANY ADVICE..PLEASE!
The unknown is too scary.

ywazah, yes, exposure does bring shame, but we don't "tell everyone." Only folks close to the family/situation should be told, such as parents, close friends, spouses, employers, etc. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because it forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others. We have had affairs that ended the very day they were exposed. No guarantees, but it can hasten its death. They are addicts, and no addict likes to smoke crack when everyone is watching. It ruins the fantasy!

I would suggest reading everything you can on this website and ordering Surviving an Affair ASAP.

Also, as you can see, your H's job has created the situation that led to this affair so that will have to change if you want to eventually recover the marriage.

how to Survive Infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Longhorns thread to newly betrayed spouses: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...p;vc=1&nt=4

p.s. sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Good morning Yawzah,
I am sorry you are here. Mel is so right about exposure.

I think you are rather confused about plan a and plan b - you don't do them at the same time. You said you do plan a when he is home and plan b when he is gone?

You need to do an awesome plan a and then if the affair is not over, you go to plan b.

This site does not recommend confronting her.

I am a little confused from your posts. Is he planning to move out? Has he moved out? Is he talking divorce?

No, no plans to move out--he says he needs some time to sort thing out. Says he's hollow, and it sure shows how it's wearing on him.
I'm doing plan A by fixing myself all the time, he's been gone cuz of the job for 4 days and he's usually gone 2 weeks out. So I'm doing Plan B since he's not here..right? Plan A won't affect him since he's not around, so implementing B which he's had no contact with me for 3 days--did however call our oldest son to find out how things are which gives me hope.
He didn't say anything about divorce, says he won't be seeing her either (who knows?), just needs time to sort things out. She gave him a sob sorry of how her life was so I think since he's a caregiver type that he's attractd to her but he also said that he lied to her that he wasn't married. sooo I don't know.

Isn't plan A working on improving myself and make it enticing to him to come home and see what he'd be losing by being kind and understanding yet short? And Plan B ? Maybe I'm not real clear ...I have ordered the books.

I've prayed for strength. If you were to ask anyone nobody would believe he's done this and I think he spilled his guts cuz of the guilt and because he cares...at least that's what I hope.

Thanks for the links, this site is actually helping me alot truly appreciate it!!

yawzah, Plan A usually lasts from 6wks to 3 months and is followed by plan B. Plan B is a seperation that is not broken until the affair is ended.


Contacting the OW and exposing this affair may very well end it very quickly. My H's affair ended the DAY I contacted the OW and told her he was married. So, this may be an excellent opportunity for you.

For right now, you would want to be in Plan A, but your most potent weapon is exposure, and I would most definitely start by calling the OW and letting her know the truth.

Here is a good outline of Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Yawzah,

Plan A is multifacted;

It is YOU working on YOURSELF to imporve issues / problems of yours.

It is Showing / Reminding the WS what a wonderful spouse you are / could be.

It is about trying to meet the most important EN's (Emotional Needs) of the WS. DO NOT expect anything in return!

It is watching out for LB's (Love Busters) and DJ's (Disrespectful Judgements).

It is you doing everything in your power to break up the affair. Your best weapon for this is EXPOSURE!

Just one little note on exposure.

It should take the form of a large tsumani of TRUTH! It is best to expose to those whom can make a difference / influence your WH at the same time.

Incremental exposure gives the waywards time to come up with a cover story / to spin the exposure to not be as [email]d@mning[/email] to them.

Make no mistake, your WH will not be angry with you, He will be FURIOUS!! He will likely spout words and vile like you have never witnessed before! Be prepared for this!

Your M CAN survive your H's temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair!

Bringing the A to the attention of the company means that they can not longer ignore / feign ignorance of the A and it will compell the Company to act in it's own self interest.




You must do a good plan A BEFORE you move to Plan B. It is not recommended that you switch between them frequently.

A good plan A is usually run from 4 to 6 months. Only after that should you really consider Plan B.

The purpose of Plan B is to protect YOURSELF and your remaining love for your WS. A good Plan B needs careful consideration / preparation before implementing.

We will discuss Plan B in further detail if / when you get to that point.

Stay Strong!

I dont' know if I'm being thick or what--sorry. That's where i get confused...doing Plan A BUT he's not home...he's gone on the road, isnt' that plan B somewhat? I mean there's no contact other than if he calls me...so now what?

And, as I mentioned, I can't confront her --no clue who or where she is. I did leave a message on her cell..."Are you the one F**ing my husband? Are you willing to ruin our lives for a piece of Azz?"
I don't usually talk that way--but I was very upset...Husband knew, I told him. Actually he took it well, not real angry but not happy. I wanted to call again, but some posts tell me to let it go and wait and see.
That's why I'm confused, mixed messages here and there. I understand plan A , but it seems to me that Plan B is here since he's not around...please clear this up for me.
Thx!

OK...plan B is used when plan A FAILS.

Plan A has not failed yet...it should still be in progress.

You CAN plan A him somewhat while he's on the road...its more difficult, not as effective as doing it in person, but it still can be done.

Plan B should be done only AFTER a 'stellar' plan A that's not producing the desired results. You're not in that situation...you've really only just begun plan A. It takes TIME.

Read what was posted about the "carrot and stick" of plan A. Make sure you implement BOTH...doing JUST the carrot makes you a doormat, which is unattractive. Doing JUST the stick make it appear vindictive and petty and doesn't show your true intentions, which is unattractive. Both working together shows your WS that the affair isn't what they thought it was going to be, and makes you the more attractive choice.

Don't give plan B that much thought for the moment. That comes later, IF NEEDED. Like I said, you're not there yet.

yawzah, no, Plan B is not that at all. You do one and then the other. Please read up on the plans. For now you should be in Plan A.

You should call the OW back on her cell phone and tell her the truth, CALMLY. Tell her your H is married and ask her to end her affair. Disguise your # using *67 so she will answer and don't leave a message.

You can also track her name and address via intellius.com by submitting the phone #. OR you can hire a PI to find that.

Even if he is not at home, you are in Plan A- you want to draw him back to you and to the marriage. Call him on the road. Offer to go with him. Make yourself and your home attractive to him.

Please read all you can on Plan A on this site.

Plan B is a plan that follows A- it is where you tell him (usually in a letter) that you will have nothing to do with him until he has nothing to do with her. You will set up your boundries and what is required for him to come home.

I am really sorry you are hurting.

Since he says he will not talk to her anymore, will he write her a no contact letter?

This should be written by him and approved and mailed by you.

It should not apologize to her- it should simply state that what he was doing was wrong and he is committed to his wife and his marriage. It should state that she should never contact him again and he will not contact her.

Is she someone at one of the truckstops? or someone who works in the company where he works?

she's got to be at one of his regular stops, and since he's new I have no clue where.

I know she's not with him, she has the job and he actually just called me.
He talks as if all is the same.
Just wanted to check how I was doing, I was polite and uptempo. I also said I won't give up on our marriage, and he said that's good...sooo?

Other than the Plan A being to separate them from each other-which I'm assuming they are for the most part if not completely since he's on the road, I can't find the info about the plan other than the above - be understanding, kind, etc...so it just seems like "be social" I'm misreading I guess.
I talk about things at home so he thinks about it, but I'm not giving bad news, I'm doing it very upbeat as if I'm taking care of myself.
I am not explaining things right I guess--I am being kind, but short conversations because I don't want to break down. I am not hearing from him, he contacts me. I am just waiting...and from what you all are telling me I've got to do something.
He tells me he's not seeing her, you tell me to tell him not to.
I offered to go with him, but he wants time to think.
I just dont' get what Im suppose to do other than sit and wait...which I can't handle.
If he does come home then the job will have to change, but until then...?

Does your H drive a particular route?

Is it possible that he can drive a different one that avoids contact with the OW?


Does H have a cell and can you look up those records on-line?

Just a few ideas for you to think about.

But like I stated and everyone else mentioned earlier the #1 weapon we have against affairs is EXPOSURE.