Go ahead and call me stupid, but could somebody explain to me the (F)WS and the concept of "entitlement"?

I'm no expert, neither am I a long-timer... but to me "entitlement" is the attitude of a WS that they deserve this or that, without any thought to how it affects others.

"I'm entitled to my A because YOU screwed up the M" sort of thing. It's a pretty accute form of selfishness, IMO.

I'm sure other more learned than I will respond, but that's more or less how I perceive it.

JinGA

To me, entitlement is not cingular to a wayward, it is universal. Many feel that they are 'entitled' to happiness. People at work sometimes feel 'entitled' to recognition in some way for a job well done.

Entitlement stretches beyond the world of infidelity. If you are talking solely of how it is defined in terms of infidelity, then, yes, the wayward feels entitled to happiness by seeking out someone else to fulfill their needs, while causing unhappiness in their wake. That is not to say that a BS doesn't have feelings of entitlement, especially when the WS returns home to work toward recovery. The BS might feel entitled to retribution, or to reparations.

I think entitlement is a situation where I believe I already own the thing I am expecting. When I want something, I don’t feel I own it. When I expect it, I DO feel I own it. therefore, not only do I believe I am entitled to it, but I get angry because I feel 'robbed' of something that is rightfully mine.

For example: When I WANT or DESIRE my husband to earn six figures and he doesn't, I feel sad and perhaps frustrated. When I EXPECT him to make this kind of money, I feel robbed, betrayed, etc. When I feel ENTITLED to it, I get angry. Expectations are very closely linked to entitlement.

I use the same skills of anger as I would if someone stole my car, my wallet, or my husband.

Oooo, wait a minute -- can I be robbed of my husband? See, this is where it gets tricky. If I feel I own my husband I have a kind of disconnection from the 'thing owned.' When I feel like I own my husband, I may treat him like an inanimate object, I may objectify him, and thus loose my connection with his humanity. I loose awareness of him as a person. I cannot be his friend.

Without really thinking about ownership, most of us divide the world into two groups. The first group, those we own or try to own (or whose behavior we try to own and control), spouses, lovers, children, students, and employees. The second group would be friends, co-workers, etc.

Another way to recognize this sense of entitlement, is that I begin looking around for some authority to appeal to in "getting back" what I thought was mine.

"To me, entitlement is not cingular to a wayward"



I think you meant singular, as opposed to CINGULAR which is the name of the cellular phone company that is now part of the NEW at&t.


I'm a Cingular dealer, BTW.

Mark

Hmmm..interesting responses. Thank you. I just don't understand WS feeling entitlement AFTER D-Day. I guess I can see the feeling (or fooling oneself for justification) of entitlement during the affair, but to hear about the thinking entitlement after the affair confuses me.
I guess it is something that is still within the fog feeling. It would also appear impossible for recovery if the WS still felt that way.

From Webster:

Main Entry: en·ti·tle·ment
Pronunciation: -'tI-t&l-m&nt
Function: noun
1 a : the state or condition of being entitled : RIGHT b : a right to benefits specified especially by law or contract
2 : a government program providing benefits to members of a specified group; also : funds supporting or distributed by such a program
[color:"red"]3 : belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges[/color]

As used here the word refers to the 3rd definition above. It is a sense that I have a right to a certain thing or benefit, in the case of the wayward mindset, typically "happiness." It is that sense that I have the right to what I want because it makes me happy that can first lead to the decision to break the marriage vows.

What usually follows is a process of justification based on resentment over past wrongs or perceived wrongs that makes the entitlement seem right in the mind of the WS.

At its most basic level, entitlement is a sense of "I am owed this and it is my right to have it." This normally does not follow the argument that I am owed because I have earned, but simply because I am.

Try to picture a 2 year old that wants ice cream.

Mark

I think that is one reason why full exposure is very important to the BS where the WS still has a feeling of entitlement. That WS continues to build rationalizations and is living in a fog world. They really need to be brought into the reality of their actions as viewed by their friends, family and OP's friends,family. It makes it harder for them to feel entitled when they are getting feedback from many people that is grounded in the reality of the situation as viewed by people who are not living in the fog world of the affair.

I was fortunate in that merely discovery of my FWH's actions made him come out of the fog of a beginning EA in a matter of days. But he gave me verbiage of entitlement when I discovered the nature of his correspondence with his old HS girlfriend--"it was just fun", "it was just something for me!" That only lasted a few hours and his feeling of entitlement grew into a feeling of remorse and into great remorse as time went by.

By the way, as long as we are talking about words--"Separate"--We should all be able to remember that there is "a rat" in "sepArate"--it is not "sepErate" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Lake

IMHO, if someone feels entitled to do/act/behave a certain way, then they feel they have the right to engage in said behavior (as stated by others above). If you feel you have the right to have an affair, do you feel sorry for doing so? No... That is why feelings of entitlement after D-day would be damaging and limiting to recovery. The entitled WS feels that they have nothing to feel sorry for, and the BS is resentful and hurt that the WS is not acknowledging the pain they have caused. Just a thought.

Rock:

I don't have a definition for entitlement, but the universal recipe for Entitlement goes something like this:

Entitlement =
- Preheat cranial oven to high,
- Collect as many resentments and non-positive memories as possible while remembering to discard all Positive and valuable memories,
- Twist and knead any non-positive memories until they become cognitive misrepresentations,
- Bake resentments and cognitive misrepresentations at high temperature until all drippings of responsibility have been removed and burned away,
- Lower heat to warming temp when hard and distasteful to all but a select group of people - NOTE, this concoction is commonly called "Give it to me NOW, or I'll TAKE it"
- Sprinkle with Strychnine and a Dash of Cyanide for taste.

Voila, you have Entitlement! This dish is also called Destruction in many homes around the world.

[sarcasm heavily added]

BTW, Rock - you should check out Larry's The Wall thread on the Recovery forum for a great discussion of post-infidelity Fog in FWW's.