Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
F
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
My husband and I have decided to give it another try after being separated for two years. This decsion came after I learned that he had started seeing someone only days after I gave birth to our second daughter. This fact hurt me, not just because he was seeing someone, but because of the timing of it.

We talked and decided that we still loved each and forgave everything on both parts. I had been seeing someone on and off for the past two years, although it wasn't sexual really, it was more emotional. I told this person that I was going back to my husband and therefore would be unable to remain in contact with him at all. I feel better about our chances because I did this. I cut all ties to past and want to move on with the healing process and get the marriage on the right path.

The problem is that although he broke up with the girl he was seeing for three months and has told her to back off, she still keeps writing and calling him. He hasn't told her that he is back with me. This hurts me a great deal but it's not like he doesn't tell me when she calls(although he doesn't pick up the phone) he also allows me to view his emails and phone records. He wants to try it but why is it so hard for him to tell her that he's back with his wife and that she needs to just go away?

He claims it's because he doesn't want to hurt her any more than he already has, but I can't help but think that it's deeper than that? Does he want her there waiting for him in case it doesn't work out? Is he planning to keep seeing her behind my back? This is just something that is eating away at me and causing tensions on our relationship. This is just one issue I won't budge on, am I in the wrong here?

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Men are often weenies....cowards and the excuse of NOT wanting to hurt her is pure babble.

Call Steve for a recovery plan so you can really find out your H's true intentions. If he refuses to protect you and your family, don't settle for just him being back.

Call Steve. Make sure you have read SAA & HNHN along with taking the EN questionnaire.

L.

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 94
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 94
I agree. His utmost concern should be NOT hurting you and his family - not this woman.

There is no reason that she wouldnt call, if he dosent tell her! She can only know what he tells her, it might be lies but she dosent know except that.


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
you don't need to call Steve to know his intentions... and it isn't because he doesn't want to hurt her...
he wants to keep that option open for a later time in case things do not work out with you... plain and simple.
How do you deal with it... by enforcing your own boundaries...such as, in order to begin working towards a recovered M, all ties with former BF's and GF's need to be completely severed. He can choose not to... but you get to decide that it isn't right for you.
Women are weenies too. They play the same game and pull the same stunts. They're just better at hiding them since they have so much practice at it.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
He is probably keeping that option open in case you don't pan out. Why don't you call her up and have a chat? Let her know he is married and she is pursuing a married man. Tell her to stop harrassing your H or there will be consequences. Take matters into your own hands.

How did you manage to have a baby while you were SEPERATED?

Quote:

This hurts me a great deal but it's not like he doesn't tell me when she calls(although he doesn't pick up the phone) he also allows me to view his emails and phone records.





huh?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
I just read their story... she left her H for two years. If I read correctly, their youngest is 3 1/2.

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
never mind they have 3 month old... something does not make sense here.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
ahhh, I see what you mean. She said he LEFT just after she had the baby and I misread and thought he CAME BACK just after she had a baby. DUH!

Never mind my question, fg!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
MEDC!!! I am going to smack you! lol She did have a baby while seperated.

Why would you do that, fg?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
F
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
It is a little confusing but this is what basically happened.

We separated two years ago when my oldest daughter was a year and half old. I was the one who asked for the separation because I felt the marriage was just falling apart and making me more and more depressed. I realized later that it was me and my depression and inability to communicate my feelings with my husband which basically made the marriage miserable.

We never filled for divorce although it did come up several times. Neither of us it seemed was willing to actually call it quits for good. We keep thinking we needed to mature a bit and somehow would end up together again.

Last summer we were seeing each other again, and it was during this time that I became pregnant. However rather than bring us together, it literally drove us apart. He didn’t want me to have the baby, and I felt that I was pregnant for a reason and decided to keep her. He told me up front that if I had the baby, I would be on my own and he would have nothing to do with me or the baby.

I spent the pregnancy alone and afraid since he told no one in his family or circle of friends that I was pregnant. He didn’t want his family involved since he wasn’t planning in being involved in the baby’s life. Up until this point he had been completely faithful although I could not say the same for myself.

I was seeing someone on and off, but it was more of an emotional thing, than sexual. Although eventually we did have sex but it never felt right. My husband knew this because I told him. I was always wanting to be honest with him about this, however because of this he started saying that the baby wasn’t his.

When the baby was born she looked nothing like him, causing him to believe that the baby wasn’t his and made him even more determined to have nothing to do with me. Days after her birth was when he started seeing this other woman who is 19 and completely immature. She knows he’s married and has two children, but wants to be with him anyway.

After DNA testing showed that he was the father, he began to have some serious thoughts about what was the right thing to do. He started to gradually being her life. I told his family and although they were thrilled to have a new member in their family, they were hurt by the way he handled the situation.

It was almost five weeks ago that I finally got him to admit that he was seeing someone. Was I hurt? Yes, very but I also knew in a way I had pushed him to it so I couldn’t blame him for it, especially since I had been doing the same. After an emotionally charged talk we both realized how much we loved each other and with that on mind I approached him with the possibility of getting back together. I told him that since we now had two girls and that it was clear that we still had feelings for each other, would it be all that bad if we gave it another try? After some days of thinking it over, he agreed.

He and his little girlfriend broke up and I knew it affected him because he really did care about her. He didn’t want to hurt her but as I told him, someone always gets hurt in these things. Since their breakup we have been basically together daily, and for the first week it was hard because she kept calling and calling. I always answered the phone, so she’d know it was me who was there with him. Wanting to give her a hint that we were together. Either she ignored it or didn’t get it, because she continued to ask him to come over and “help” her with things. Yeah, right…

This is why I’m hurt that he won’t just come out and tell her that he’s back with me. Him putting her feelings above mine, although he says it isn’t the case, is very hurtful especially when we are working to repairing our relationship. We are very honest with each other, and I have told him how this hurts me and why, but he always says “I’m with you because I love you.” He says that he really doesn’t want to hurt her anymore than he already has and that I have nothing to worry about. This is why he allows me access to all of his calls and emails. But still, I need him to do this one thing.

She sent him an IM last night telling him that she was taking him off her list because it’s clear he doesn’t want to be her friend. She sounded bitter, but still I wish he would just get it together and tell her that’s he’s with me. I’m sure she’s going to try and get in contact with him again by Monday. Like I said, she’s 19 and immature, she still playing those high school games.

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
F
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
I had my second daughter because I really felt that she helped me get my things together. Also in my own selfish way, I didn’t want my daughter to be an only child so I thought if the marriage was over at least my oldest would be alone. I also didn’t plan on having any more children with anyone that wasn’t my husband. Hence the reason I was planning on having my tubes tide after I had her. I had her for me, and I don’t regret having her.

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
bye... i'm not touching this one. good luck.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
filled - both your and your husband are trying to solve your marriage problems by looking for support and comfort outside of the marriage.

That never, ever works. That's only 100% guaranteed to make things worse, as you have learned.

If you are serious about fixing this, the two of you would have to focus solely on each other and find the solution *there.* Read this entire site - not just the message boards - and read both *Surviving An Affair* and *His Needs, Her Needs.*

The only chance you have is to stop looking outside the marriage to fix problems that are *within* the marriage.

Good luck.
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Quote:

I had my second daughter because I really felt that she helped me get my things together.




Please help me understand how an innocent baby can help a grown up "get her things" together? A childs purpose is not to faciliatate YOUR NEEDS. You are supposed to faciliatate HER NEEDS! Did the best interest of the child ever even enter your mind??

I am shocked that you would bring an innocent child into this mess of a marriage. That is not fair to her. A child needs a stable, INTACT family and that, apparently, was never even a consideration for you. It was all about what you "wanted" and damn the consequences for everyone else.

The reason I asked, fg, is because your daughters birth is more of a pattern of tragically selfish, bad judgment that harms others. You stole money from your husband and then dumped him for silly, immature, frivolous reasons. This is a PATTERN, fg.

Can you see the pattern here?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Quote:

I had her for me, and I don’t regret having her.





selfish, selfish, selfish.....


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Quote:

bye... i'm not touching this one. good luck.




CHICKEN!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
F
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
Yes, it was selfish to have her under such circumstances, but I did. She's very loved and I don't think I would have done things differently if given the chance.

I was in a real dark place when I found out I was going to have another baby. I decided that this was somewhat of a wake up call to get myself together. My older daughter would have other's if something would have happend to me, but the baby would have no one but me.

It's because of her that I put more effort into therapy, starting seeking help for my bad impulsive actions and got my things together.

My husband and I love our children and each other. We realize that we have both done some horribble things but we have to forgive and start healing in order to move forward. I felt I had nothing to forgive for him being with someone else, the only thing that really bothered me was that he wouldn't tell her, or rather won't tell her that we are together and working things out.

He's agreed to marriage counsling. He's very open with me, more than ever before for this I'm thankful but we still have a long ways to go. I've hurt him and he too needs time before he can fully trust me as he once did. We are trying and for that I'm thankful.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
I am relieved to read you are counseling, fg, because you sound much like me when I was younger: don't have the common sense God gave a goose and extremely self centered and selfish. A DANGEROUS combination. I had to have sense knocked into my head THE HARD WAY, and many people suffered from my selfishness. I see the same things in you, an entitlement mentality that is oblivous to the needs of others. That is a surefire ticket to the School of Hard Knocks, fg.

What it means is that if you don't get your crap together on your own, SOMEONE ELSE WILL do it for you.

What is your counselor like? Is she HONEST with you or is she one of these useless vegetables that teaches you to LOWER TO BAR in order to accommodate a guilty conscience? A GOOD counselor will not lower the bar, but will help you raise your standards. So, which is your C?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
F
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
F
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 11
The therapist I'm seeing is a man. He's just great! At least I think so.

He was very honest with me because I was honest with him. I went straight to the point and said I have issues and I don't know why. Over the past year these things have been addressed and while I'm far from being in the clear, I'm way better than I was, or at least I think so.

It's not so much about me, me, me anymore, it's about those around me and who got hurt because of me. I've apologized and am trying to make amends by whatever means possible.

I don't expect everything to be great and sunny just because I said "I'm sorry". It's a long healing process but I feel both my husband and I are on the right path, except for that one thing that really bothers me.

If he could just tell her that he's with me, I wouldn't be so freaked out about it. It's the fact that I'm feeling like the mistress over here that's the problem.

Last edited by filledwithguilt; 06/22/07 06:37 PM.

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 22 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,550
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5