This is something I’ve been deliberating for a few weeks, I don’t want to discuss this with any personal friends and I’m hoping that you may have some thoughts and insights. It’s regarding using spyware.

In the summer hols I’m going away on my own with the children. My WS will be home alone.(DD Dec 06). Before I leave I am considering loading some comprehensive spyware software that monitors all PC activities. I also know that once I install it I probably will not want to uninstall it…

I’ve thought long and hard why I would want to do this.

At the moment he is being as a H should, I’ve no reason to doubt there is any contact with OW.

But, I’d like to know that he is sincere, that there is no contact and no use of internet porn. Also, I want to protect myself [from any more hurt].

In addition, there is something that has always stuck in my mind. One woman I know told me about her husband’s affair. After the affair they worked it out, but, in her words “ …then, three years later the other women raised her ugly head again”. They are now divorced.

My dilemma is once I load this software, the process is in motion - big brother watching him for the rest of the life. Seeing his activities that have no relation to the A, it’s like rifling through someone's handbag.

And, just as importantly, how can I start to trust again, move through the aftermath of his A, IF I am in the mindset to monitor his PC movements for years to come????

Please, Any thoughts?

Hi Jane,

It comes down to what you're comfortable with. Personally I wouldn't put spyware on my F?WW's computer without her knowledge & consent.

Maybe this is something you can suggest to your H so you can feel more secure in your R (I'm assuming that you're considering this because you feel this way); it's all part & parcel of radical honesty.

I also share your dilema about starting to trust again, reading around the threads here I understand it takes around 2 years of dedicated effort from both partners so I don't expect it to happen overnight for me. Would knowing his every movement, thoughts, etc. help rebuild your trust in him ??

Good luck,

b.p.m.

I have not read your sitch if you have another thread. I see no reason not to put spyware on your computer. It could be useful down the road even with your children, depending on their ages.

But there is something else I am going to say as long as you are asking for advise. Do not go away for an extended time this summer and leave your H alone. You two are very close to D day. You are in the middle of dealing with all this. You don't fully trust that he will honor your M in all ways while you are gone. Don't go. Either stay home with him or find a way for him to join you.

Your marriage is your number one priority now--right?
Lake

Jane, I did put spyware on my H's computer the first year and it did wonders for the restoration of trust to our marriage. I was able to see with my own eyes what he was doing when he thought no one was looking. Had he known it was there, he would have simply found a way around it if he was doing something wrong. It gave me enormous peace of mind and helped my trust for him grow in leaps and bounds.

If you are going to be gone, I would suggest eblaster, because it can email daily reports to another email address. You can set one up in yahoo and access it from any computer.

With your H's past porn problems, this is something I would definitely explore.

I would also strongly consider NOT leaving town without him, especially for a holiday. That tends to make one feel alone and vulnerable. Vulnerable for an affair... Leaving him home alone is just ASKING FOR IT, Jane.

My experience is similar to ML's. It gave me great piece of mind. Now I no longer check it. But I will do when my kids get older.

Hi, thanks for the responses. The thoughts that it actually helped build trust again has swayed me. I do still have issues with invading someones privacy. But, if you asked me 5 years ago what my H was up to I wouldn;t have had a clue nor said in anyway was I deserving of it. I just don;t want to be blinded like that again.

As to going away for a week, yes it does seem silly and naive of me. I've lived and breathed this A for 6 months now.He didn;t move out after DD, so it has been an intense R. I want to do something 'normal' and the thought of an active week outdoors, away from this house and area, keeping the children happy during the long school hols is really, really appealing to me right now! I would like it if H could be there with us but he has to work.

jane

Surviving an A is not easy in the best of circumstances. There will be times when your emotions and paranoia will be a greater hindrance that ANYTHING WH is doing. Do what you need to do to give you peace of mind and do your best to be happy with a positive outlook. Those things will help. I wish I could tell you what to do to be happy. It's not easy. Just settle for what you can find now. It will get better with time.

Piojitos, thank you for your kind words.

BUt, I may be thwarted at the first attempt to load this software.. I'm trying to download from a link and its coming up as blocked!

and phoning up the help line for support I sound like the paranoid womnn, "please quickly ring me back on this number because if this call goes over 1 minute you will appear on my phone statement!"

Where are you trying to download the software to? If you are at work and trying to get it, it may be that you are being filtered by a proxy server. Many companies block out spyware because they don't want it loaded on one of their computers. I couldn't download it here. I couldn't even access the web site. I had my mother download it at her house, compress (zip) the file and email it to me. I had her zip it because our exchange server blocks files with extensions like ".EXE".

I should mention that my mother is far from computer literate and, even though she was eventually successful in getting it to me, I'm afraid our relationship may have been damaged beyond repair in the process.

Piojitos

FInally got it loaded! I emailed the distibutor to get the support desk to call me and help me load it direct from the web site to get round my PC blocking it. I just hope that the calls I initially made weren't long enough to appear on bill or this could all back fire......

If it weren't for such a serious nature that I'm using this software for I would be in absolute awe of it. Frightening stuff.

Jane

You may have to reinstall it occasionally. My McAfee will disable it after a scan if I'm not careful. Reinstalling it seems to fix everything. I don't know how to get McAfee to ignore it.

Jane, I am glad you got it installed, it will give you real peace of mind. Or it could be your worst nightmare if he is doing something wrong. But, be assured that he has no right to "privacy" while married. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy someone behind their back. You have a RESPONSIBILITY and a DUTY to protect yourself, so you are doing nothing wrong.

I have been using a comprehensive logger suite for a month now and, while I don't look at it much anymore, it gives me peace of mind knowing it is quietly logging information I may need in the future.

I wanted to give this program a few weeks to run before I gave it a verdict and thoughts, it may be useful to someone else in the same predicament.

In the end I did choose a spector soft product. The help and sales desk were superb and after a few issues loading it was actually very straight forward and has proved easy to use. When I checked after loading, many dat files are updated which can be seen if you do a search on ‘files updated’. It recorded a ‘prefetch’ file initially which I deleted, also going forward I have ensured that my ccleaner now deletes all my prefetch files. A couple of times it has hung but only when I seem to press buttons too quickly!

When deciding to use a spyware product I think its necessary to be clear in the back of your mind WHY you want to use one, because yes, you do find out things and see things that maybe hurtful.

Thankfully, there has been no contact to or from the OW which was why I wanted to install the software. But, in my heart of hearts I didn’t think there would be NOW… for me it’s seeing it for the long term.

However, the porn sites have been visited, only on average 10-20minutes a week. Not sure, what I feel about this. Internet porn sites are the most visited sites, so I can’t be alone in this dilemma. I DON’T like it, I don’t like something he seems to be fixated on (not illegal) but in the grand scheme of things I don’t know how much of an issue is this now. It’s something that I need to get my head round.

I do feel reassured now that I have loaded it. I don’t look at what he has written in personal emails, it’s possible just to scan through the names of ‘in and out’ emails.Yes, I feel I made the right decision to load it.

Unknown to WW, I have use software on her PC and it has paid dividends for me!

I have been able to detect WW and OM contact, a planned trip which WW still does not know that I am aware of.

I do not regret it one bit!

Like ML said, if there is nothing going on, should not be a problem!