Hello all. I started reading this site last spring, but unfortunately didn't follow any advice that I read. I have basically just been reading for the comfort of knowing there are others in my situation, and I'm not alone. So, finally I'd like some advice. Here's my story...

My wife and I were married for 9 years. We only dated for about 7 months before we married, but we were head over heels for each other. She had a 3 year old son from a previous relationship (never married to the father), and the father never had anything to do with her son. After we married I adopted my step-son and we had two more together. (14 yr son, 9 yr son, 6 yr daughter).

We had a really good marriage and relationship for probably the first 5 or 6 years before it slowly started spiralling downhill. I'm a difficult person to live with and I know I did some very hurtful things throughout our relationship. I never intended to be hurtful, but I have a very dominant personality and tend to try to control people that I am in a relationship with. I never did anything really bad, but over time the little things made her lose respect for me (get angry with her over minor issues, never shared my feelings, treated her like she was not as smart or capable as me).

About 3 years ago I left my job and started my own business. That's when things got really bad. The business got pretty big and so did my head, so the arrogant behaviour just got worse. After a year or so I started having problems with the business to the point where I was afraid that I might lose it (I enventually did), and it really took a toll on me. I felt like a failure, but of course I didn't talk about it with my wife. I just closed myself off.

I started going out to bars a lot with friends, and stayed out late at night while she was at home. I didn't go with her to kids ball practices and such. She commented to me at one time that she felt like a single parent.

Last spring it came to a head when she admitted having an affair with someone she worked with. It was supposedly a one time thing (the sex anyway), but I know she was crying on his shoulder about our marriage for a while. She cried, said she was sorry, told me who it was and where he lived. I told her I was going to tell the OM's wife, which I did. She didn't believe me and her husband actually put a restraing order on me (whole other story, but how someone can just go to a judge and lie and be granted a restaining order against someone who didn't do anything is beyond me).

I went through severe depression after that. My world was shattered. My business was falling apart and my one constant was my family. Now that was in shambles too. I didn't eat. I slept a lot, and I drank a lot.

I made the decision to leave, because I just couldn't see myself getting over it and, frankly, I didn't want to get over it. I thought that if I stayed married I would be a weak person. So, I left and got a divorce.

Fast forward a year. I've had a few relationships (one that just ended), but I've started to see that I made a mistake by giving up on our marriage. My ex and I have been talking on the phone a little and we have actually gotten along (not always, but sometimes). I asked her on a date for tonight. We're just going out to dinner, and I told her I don't want to force anything. I just want to see if we still enjoy being together, and maybe something will happen and maybe not.

Needless to say she is very apprehensive about this. She just broke up with a guy she's been seeing for a few months, but she is not sure if it's over for good or not (his divorce is not final and she broke up with him to let him sort out his issues). She agreed to go to dinner with me tonight, but she has so much pent up hostility toward me it is very difficult for her not to bring up things in the past (from both when we were married and after we split up).

What complicates it more is that we have to sneak around to even go to dinner together. We live in a very small town, and we don't want the kids to know that we are seeing each other unless we know that we are serious about getting back together (She did tell her "ex-boyfriend) that she is seeing me tonight.

I don't know what advice I am looking for, but any help would be appreciated.

chngd,
Welcome to MB. The first thing I would suggest is that you read all of the information on this site - the articles and info that have links at the top of this page, not just the message boards - and that you buy and study the books *Surviving an Affair* and *His Needs, Her Needs*. You can order those books on this site *or* you can go to any bookstore or on-line site for them. You may also be able to get them from your public library.

If you do this, then you will be well-armed with information that will protect you from making the same mistakes this time around. If things are going well, tell your XW that you have found a great source of information that has been very helpful to you and that you thought maybe she'd like to look at it. (Then give her her own copies of those two books!)

Good luck. Knowledge is power. Buy some (or at least borrow some.)
Mulan

Thanks for the advice Mulan. I've read all of the articles. I haven't gotten the books yet, but I have His Needs Her Needs on hold at my library. I have told her about the site.

I've never read about passive/aggressiveness. I'm sorry to say that the "Boomerang Relationship" article describes me fairly well.

Changd, welcome to MB. Since it was already suggested that you read and read... I won't repeat that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I've learned a ton here - and even if my situation doesn't work out (I want to reconcile with my XH too), the things I have learned and am learning will make me just a better human being.

I have no sage words of wisdom, but I'm in your corner because I'm in the same boat - I want to reconcile with my XH. I won't bore you with my details (I have a thread on the go here on this board myself...) but for what it's worth I have been doing sort of a Plan A for some time now. I've even managed to apply POJA with pretty good success, without XH even being aware of it. He's unwittingly filling some of my EN without thinking about it and I'm filling as many of his as I can - as many as he will allow.

I'm actually planning to try to talk to my XH about possible reconciliation - tomorrow - I don't know if he'll be receptive (he's got a GF but long story short, she moved 2000 miles away 2 months ago, but they are still involved).

I don't now if there's hope for us - but no matter what, I still love my XH and I will continue to show him loving ways, regardless whether he wants to reconcile or not - we have children so we will be connected one way or another, forever, and it's better for all concerned to have a good relationship rather than a hateful or hostile one, right?

My thoughts and prayers are with you - read up on Plan A and executed it to the very best of your ability. Be transparent - show your W that you are sincere. Old hurts need time to heal and trust needs to be rebuilt but if there's one thing I've learned here, it's that even the most seemingly hopeless situations can be turned around, and are being turned around.

Hopefully one day you and I can make a virtual toast to our respective successes - with our without our spouses, because what you will learn from this great bunch of folks will help you no matter what.

JinGA

Changd:

I can only pray that mine will turn around. I am glad that you are considering it. A father is the most important role in a childs life and so is family.

Family = Father and Mother I Love You.

Get Love is a decision and see if you can get yourself the book Love Busters. That will really help you alot.

Mine still isn't back yet, but showing some teetering.

But most of all before you do this, get your life in order.
Ask God for his help, and ask that he shows you His will for your relationship. You don't want to do it your way, but his way.

I will pray for you and your family.

Thanks JinGA and Ineedahug. My ex-wife and I went out to dinner and for a walk on the beach last night. I've been trying to spend time with her having fun and not hashing over old wounds. I'm sure we will need to talk about them at some point, but not until we can build up some trust and affection. She is scared of getting hurt and has said she has finally gotten her life together on her own. I've told her that I'm not asking for anything other than spending some time together for right now. I asked her on a date and said that like any first date it might lead to a second or it might not. After last night it looks like it will, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don’t think I see a thing wrong with dating your ex-wife. No matter how you shake the tree you will be connected to her through the children that you have created. There is really no way to change that, not that you would want to if you could.

So I say go on your date. Try to have fun and enjoy yourself. You both know that there is tons of past baggage but now is likely not the best time to process it. But, it might be her who wants to discuss issues of the past. So it might be smart for you to begin to own the mistakes of your past without pointing out her ownership of the past, i.e. the affair.

There is no hurry so take it slow. If you read these pages then you know how relationships become dysfunctional. You should know how it is that good people sometimes do bad things. I might even wonder if your past experiences might help you to become the perfect relationship partner and that goes for her too. The fact that you are posting HERE and asking for help from folks like US says volumes about your intentions. Perhaps she will see that, perhaps she won’t. Either way she is still the mother of your children.

The love that you once had for each other is long gone as you and she have found a way to live apart. It has to be that way with divorce. You must live your own life and she must do the same. (But no one said it has to stay that way).

Best of luck in romancing your ex wife, nothing would make me smile larger than your success.

Mr. G

Thanks Goodstuff. I'm trying to take it slow. It's not exactly one of my strong suits.

Hello. I just thought I would update my situation, and see if anyone had any suggestions or criticisms. My ex-wife and I have been on a couple dates, and we have both had a good time. We have also hung out for an hour of two a couple times when one of us drops of the kids. We have just sat on the porch and talked. We've also been talking on the phone a lot in the evenings. We both really enjoy the other's company.

My issue now is that she is still not over the person she has been seeing for the last few months and she has said she is not ready to break things off with him for good (he knows she is seeing me too). I know my situation is different from a typical plan A, because she has every right to date someone else. She is not married to me anymore. I told her that it is her decision and I am not going to give her any ultimatums.

This week she was supposed to see him for the holiday. I was on pins and needles all day. I told her I understood that she still had feelings for him and she would have to make up her own mind, but that it would be very difficult for me knowing that she was off with another guy. Anyway, they had a fight I guess and she didn't go. I didn't get all of the details, but it appears he is mad with her for seeing me. Now she is hurt and feels a little rejected. I told her that he was a complete idiot, and if he had one bit of sense he would have come to her and tried to convince her that he was better for her than I am.

I have recently read "Love Busters" and gave her a copy (I think I committed all of the normal love busters daily in the past. The book really opened my eyes). I also made a proposal to her and asked her not to answer right away. Here is my proposal. We continue to date, exclusively, until Labor Day (Her birthday is around Labor Day and we used to always take a weekend getaway). We make no decisions until then. After Labor Day we reevaluate and decide how to proceed. If she wants to see other people then, that's her decision (or maybe my decision).

I guess I'm just looking for opinions on how I am handling it so far. Should I push for exclusivity? What should I do if she rejects my offer? Is there anything else that I should be doing?

By the way, I have been working very hard at meeting her emotional needs and not love busting. I have to say I have noticed a difference in the way she treats me already. It really is amazing how far being thoughtful and respectful go. It is even more amazing that I didn't realize this when we were married.

2x4 coming....I think you are continuing to enable the behavior that led to her affair. She wants to be wanted, chased, made feel special; two men fighting over her, wow how do you think she feels right now? I would make my intentions clear, continue to date around, show her the new "me" and let her do the chasing. If she's not capable of doing the chasing I am afraid that you will end up where you were before, the marriage will have become a little stale, to predictable and she will be looking for someone else that may pay her a little attention, flatter her, etc to fill the "I am special" feeling/need for her.

Just an opinion but I would steer clear, apply the techniques you have learned and let her come to me, not the other way around.

I think it sounds like things are going quite well for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your XW may go through a period of withdrawal as things end with the OM. Prepare yourself for that - I'm sure more seasoned veterans here will explain that to you a bit better than I can since I have no direct experience in that regard.

Your post gives me hope that maybe my situation will come to this too eventually <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Best of luck!

JinGA

Oops - after reading Hopeandpray's post - I think I need to agree there because it makes perfect sense.

I still wish you well though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Thanks for the posts. Hopeandpray, I have thought about your point from the first time we went out and she told me that they had broken up, but she wasn't ready to commit to anything yet. My first instinct was to tell her to call me when she makes up her mind (that has always been my stance when dating); however, I don't see that she is really doing anything wrong. We are divorced. She has told both of us about the other. Is this any different from a single person dating around before she commits? Granted, even then I'd tell her to call me when she makes up her mind, but this is different because we both have a lot to lose if she never calls.

I'd love nothing more than to give her an ultimatum, but I don't necessarily think that it would be right or that it would be helpful. Anyway, I think that if I push her too much right now, she would choose him. Her most recent memories of me are not anything that she would want to repeat, and I don't blame her. I feel like if I give her an ultimatum, I would drive her into his arms.

Should we maybe hold off on dating each other, but continue to talk?