Hello all. I started reading this site last spring, but unfortunately didn't follow any advice that I read. I have basically just been reading for the comfort of knowing there are others in my situation, and I'm not alone. So, finally I'd like some advice. Here's my story...

My wife and I were married for 9 years. We only dated for about 7 months before we married, but we were head over heels for each other. She had a 3 year old son from a previous relationship (never married to the father), and the father never had anything to do with her son. After we married I adopted my step-son and we had two more together. (14 yr son, 9 yr son, 6 yr daughter).

We had a really good marriage and relationship for probably the first 5 or 6 years before it slowly started spiralling downhill. I'm a difficult person to live with and I know I did some very hurtful things throughout our relationship. I never intended to be hurtful, but I have a very dominant personality and tend to try to control people that I am in a relationship with. I never did anything really bad, but over time the little things made her lose respect for me (get angry with her over minor issues, never shared my feelings, treated her like she was not as smart or capable as me).

About 3 years ago I left my job and started my own business. That's when things got really bad. The business got pretty big and so did my head, so the arrogant behaviour just got worse. After a year or so I started having problems with the business to the point where I was afraid that I might lose it (I enventually did), and it really took a toll on me. I felt like a failure, but of course I didn't talk about it with my wife. I just closed myself off.

I started going out to bars a lot with friends, and stayed out late at night while she was at home. I didn't go with her to kids ball practices and such. She commented to me at one time that she felt like a single parent.

Last spring it came to a head when she admitted having an affair with someone she worked with. It was supposedly a one time thing (the sex anyway), but I know she was crying on his shoulder about our marriage for a while. She cried, said she was sorry, told me who it was and where he lived. I told her I was going to tell the OM's wife, which I did. She didn't believe me and her husband actually put a restraing order on me (whole other story, but how someone can just go to a judge and lie and be granted a restaining order against someone who didn't do anything is beyond me).

I went through severe depression after that. My world was shattered. My business was falling apart and my one constant was my family. Now that was in shambles too. I didn't eat. I slept a lot, and I drank a lot.

I made the decision to leave, because I just couldn't see myself getting over it and, frankly, I didn't want to get over it. I thought that if I stayed married I would be a weak person. So, I left and got a divorce.

Fast forward a year. I've had a few relationships (one that just ended), but I've started to see that I made a mistake by giving up on our marriage. My ex and I have been talking on the phone a little and we have actually gotten along (not always, but sometimes). I asked her on a date for tonight. We're just going out to dinner, and I told her I don't want to force anything. I just want to see if we still enjoy being together, and maybe something will happen and maybe not.

Needless to say she is very apprehensive about this. She just broke up with a guy she's been seeing for a few months, but she is not sure if it's over for good or not (his divorce is not final and she broke up with him to let him sort out his issues). She agreed to go to dinner with me tonight, but she has so much pent up hostility toward me it is very difficult for her not to bring up things in the past (from both when we were married and after we split up).

What complicates it more is that we have to sneak around to even go to dinner together. We live in a very small town, and we don't want the kids to know that we are seeing each other unless we know that we are serious about getting back together (She did tell her "ex-boyfriend) that she is seeing me tonight.

I don't know what advice I am looking for, but any help would be appreciated.

changd4ever,

Congratulations! I think the best thing you could do is buy the books, esp. His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair and After the Affair. I've only read the first one but I plan to get the other two soon.

There is a lot of pressure for people to leave the spouse who cheated because everyone thinks if it happens to them, they'd get a divorce. I think it has to do with the tendency of people to want retribution but sometimes revenge hurts the offended as much as the offender. But there are a lot of people here who have rebuilt their marriages. It appears to be an ongoing process that takes 2 years or more and definitely not for the weak. Hope that helps.

So...sneaking around together so the kids don't find out. That's so ironic, but I can understand you not wanting to get their hopes up until you know for sure. Good luck to you.

Oh, and ask someone who's been here longer about Plan A. It might apply here, I think.

Thanks Aph. I've got "His Needs, Her Needs" on hold at my library. I think you're right about the pressure to divorce. I think most of my pressure came from myself. We talked about it before we got married and both agreed that cheating was one thing that we would not tolerate. It made me feel like a hypocrite to say something, but change my tune when it actually happens.

Humility is not my strong suit, but I'm working on it. My ex-wife and I went to dinner last night. We had a really good time and went for a walk on the beach afterwards.

I guess what I'm trying is plan A from my understanding of it. I'm just trying to build up some trust, respect and fondness between us. I've been focusing on being the kind of person that she wants to be with and doesn't want to hurt. It seems to be working. The subtle jabs about things that have hurt her are becoming less frequent. When she brings hurtful things up I have just told her "I know that I hurt you when I did that, and I am truly sorry. I'm trying to make changes so that I don't repeat those behaviours in any other relationships."

Sneaking around so the kids don't find out is very ironic, but I don't know any other way to handle it. It is a shame that it is much easier for us to date other people because we can do it when the kids aren't with us. If the kids aren't with her they're with me. They pick up on everything so quickly though. It's not difficult to see by the way we talk to each other that something has changed. If anyone has any advice on the best way to handle the children I would appreciate it.

changd4ever,

To get more responses, you might want to repost this on the infidelity forum, General Questions II board maybe.

Your original infatuation with each other is very easy to rekindle. From your story, you were a total jerk for a long time. Are you ready to kill off the jerk and be the man she wants and needs?

More importantly, are you will to be the family man with honor and humility that YOU need to be for YOURSELF?

And I agree with APH, you will get more responses on GQII for your particular situation. Heck send her here. You would be amazed at how many people get divorced then remarry.

I wish you well.

Larry

I don't want to threadjack - but Larry - can you elaborate on how "easy" it is to rekindle infatuation? What if the other person isn't warm to the idea just yet but you think they might be swayed ...

JinGA

It is easier for a guy. He can romance and wine and dine and chase her. He can demonstrate that he has changed by Plan A and HNHN. He can make amends. He can talk about his growing up, things he has never said before. He can ask her how she is doing. They can talk.

The reason why old love can be rekindled is because the brain has a memory of the time when it was rewarded by the good feelings of infatuation. High School reunions are a dangerous playground in some cases. This is also the reason why Harley says No Contact for LIFE with an old lover.

What a woman can do is be nice; Plan A. Hey, women from all the time on earth know how to attract a guy's attention.

Larry

Infatuation is not the problem. We are and have always been very attracted to each other both physically and emotionally. It's more about the water under the bridge.

And you handle that by demonstrating over time that you have changed the way you do business and that she also demonstrates over time that she has changed HER own way of doing business. His Needs - Her Needs, Surviving etc.

Larry