Hi SkinGal,

I saw you posted on another thread with a plea for support. I hope its okay I started your own thread to thwart possible threadjacking.

SkinsGal's Post Below:

I am so lost. My husband and I just talked for almost an hour. I love him so much and want him to come home, but he believes that he loves her and that he has a better chance of making it work with her versus his W of 23 years.

Please help - he chose to leave home and is living with her in a one bedroom apt. She is on state disability, divorced twice, 3 children. She is 45, her oldest child is almost 30, her two younger kids are 20 and 19 and the 19 year old has 3 kids. They are living in a one bedroom apt, but on the couch because the person she takes care of is coming home from the hospital. They are living in an absolutely choatic life. But he wants to stay with her.

I am a head secretary of a school, very accomplished, he complains I do too much volunteer work and so I gave it all up for him. But he didn't come home.

He admits he still loves me, but we grew so far apart and had nothing in common. He calls me his best friend, and I told him we were soul mates, which we are.

What can I do. I just need another chance, please help me.

SG,

U know it isn't about U. This A virus is nuts. That's where it hits them and there is no logic to it.

The OW is a loser and we need to get you back on your feet so that you can deal with this with a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Expect the OW to fight you. She has a sugar daddy with your H and not about to relinquish him. So I would start by reading SAA, HNHN and love must be tough. 1st 2 books are by Harley, the 3rd is by Dobson.

Read Dobsons book because it will help with plan B. I sense the OW will make trouble so it is best to secure your finances immediately and get your H while he still has some sense to sign over all his assets so he and the OW can't have so much fun in A land.

Notify your children and setup your support group immediately. Close down all join cards so he has less access to $$. $$ can often wake up and break up the A since it has no friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This w/b one rough ride. You've got Jo (Resilient) on your side and she is one tough (yet very loving) MBer. She will guide you through your darkest hours so you will be with support from here.

Read up, it will help.

take care,
L.

skinsgal, what will it take to make him fall in love with you again? What attracted him to the OW?

You mentioned earlier that he was unhappy with your weight. Have you lost the weight? How would you rate your appearance?

If you had to decide his top 5 emotional needs, what do you think they would be?

His top needs would be appreciation conversation, recreational companionship and admiration. He is all in to it's about him right now. And she is feeding that.

Orchid - what do you think?

Barbara

It might be best to keep posting on the JOURNEY thread. It has more info. and that's where I was posting to you. You could change the name of that thread.

{{{SG}}}

Many similarities to my situation... wish I had words of wisdom.

All I can say is I've been in that boat - and to some extent I still am - but I am here, I'm OK, and I'm surviving quite nicely.

You shall too. Being here is a huge help - wish I'd stuck with this place when I first hit the skids in my M - I found it but I didn't hear the good advice (perhaps I wasn't ready)...

You *will* be OK.

JinGA

Ok Mimi, I will keep to the journey thread. Thank you for the advice.

JinGa - is he still with the OW? Why was the divorce what you needed?

Barbara

SG, when my marriage ended, it was not because of an A. My XH suffered from terrible depression which he refused to acknowledge or have treated. It led to his recreational drug use, abuse of prescription pain medications, and other behaviors that were not conducive to a healthy marriage - including porn addiction.

I asked him to move out, and he did. His GF came along later - and I moved on first, I had a BF post separation and before the divorce was final (HUGE MISTAKE!!!!!!!!)

When I approached XH about reconciliation, he declined. Between when he left and when I approached him, he'd sought treatment for depression, got clean (I can drug test him randomly as a condition to visitation of our kids) and saw an IC and quit the porn (dunno if that change stuck or not...)

He's not living with GF anymore - she moved out on him and back from whence she came - 2000 miles away but they are still in contact and he's planning to take a vacation out to see her. He's at a dead-end with her, but even though I approached him last week about reconciling again, he said "not likely" (not "never").

I've been working Plan A with a 180 (Plan B is not possible for me because we own a business and he's there part time with me). Even though we are divorced, that doesn't mean it can't be reconciled... just makes it more of a challenge.

I don't know if he'll "come around" or not - I think he may in time. Either way - I love him. That much will never change, I've proven that to myself. If he does come around - that's awesome. If not - I'm OK, my kids are OK, and life will continue, with or without him. The last few months I've read, learned and got stronger. I've gone through some angst lately - but now that I put my cards on the table with him - he knows the ball is in HIS court - but I'm not sitting back waiting for him to blink. Nope, life goes on, and life is good.

Once the pain subsides, and you can focus on yourself, work on yourself, be happier within yourself - YOU will be just fine. He may see this, and it will make you more attractive to him - and it may not - I don't know him... but from what I've read here - doing these things for *YOU* increase your odds. And - even if he doesn't wake up - YOU will be much better off as a person. Healthier, stronger... you WILL be OK.

JinGA

BTW - my XH had a 1-bdrm and he moved GF in with her DD. A couple of months later, he moved to a 2 bdrm in the same complex. After a couple of more months, they brought back the DS she'd dumped on his father when she moved out here to be with him. So there were 4 living in a 2 bdrm apartment. The boy had the bedroom with an "aerobed", and the daughter had the world's most uncomfortable futon (I know, I'd bought it for our shop and XH needed a bed when he got his own first apartment).

They lived like that for a year, then GF went back under the rock she crawled out from under. She never worked in the whole year - 2 kids, 2 daddies, no CS from one baby daddy. I *think* she may have received disability benefits because of some sort of social anxiety disorder (there's no pill for lazy I don't think!)...

So your story bears a lot of similarities to mine. Things unfolding in different order - but the third wheel in your M sounds just like the XH's GF. Only GF is 35, not 45!

JinGA

JinGA

What is plan A with 180?

Plan A is just that - you can read about it in the articles here - but basically it means working on yourself, eliminating love-busters, and meeting your H's emotional needs. In your situation it may be past Plan A - but I'll defer to those more learned than me.

The 180 is another strategy.. I have a thread going here "Fine Tuning my 180" - I pasted the 180 list and threw in my 2 cents on what I'm doing.

I also believe that FaithfulWifeCJ posted a thread called "The 180: A useful tool" - that's the 180 without all my junk in it - that's probably the better thread to read.

Where you're at right now, it seems to me that Plan B may be a better option since he's already moved. Go dark - don't have contact. I don't recall if you have kids or not - but going dark means no contact with him until he's ready to re-commit to his marriage and go NO CONTACT with OW. Again - I'll defer to the long-timers here on that - they will give you better advice, since I'm not that far along in my education yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

I have 3 kids. My boys are the ones who figured out about the affair and were the ones to confront him. Since he left on May 14, he has tried twice to speak to the younger one, but nothing to the older one.

Last week when he showed up at their lacrosse tournament with OW, the boys found out and my older son called my WH and left a very nasty message.

My H was someone who was in the boys life everyday, more than me. I don't understand how he could just abandon them.

What do other people think? Go to Plan B and dark?

I'm sorry to be such a bother and need so much help.

Barbara