What are the telltale signs of broken no contact? Here is why I ask...Just got off the phone with WW and she was very short, and non talkative. Said she was watching a movie, but could tell she was a different person from my wife who called me yesterday asking me to pray for her and wanting to talk. I told her I would talk to her later and she said ok and bye and then hung up. Maybe I am overreacting and she was just into the movie, but that is not what my gut is telling me.

Well, if you are calling from the Middle East, and a movie was more important than talking to you, I think there might be contact. What else has been happening?

It has only been a month and a half since she admitted to the A, so I am trying to be patient. She also said that she was going to put our daughters to bed, but just didn't seem like her. Pastor told me NOT to get into this with her until I get home, and am sticking to it, but needed to vent.

Are you in the military? I'm wondering, because your wife doesn't seem to be doing well without you. She is making awful choices. Sounds like the OM is a real loser.

No, I am not military. I am a military contractor. The guy is a real loser. Unfortunately, he was her first love. I decided to go home in August when my contract is up to help fix my marriage. We originally planned for two years, but realized that she is making bad choices without me, and that her and the kids are way more important than money. I am trying to be here for her. She just called me and told me she was going to take a bubble bath and would call me afterwards. I am just trying to act like nothing bothers me, ya know?

GHA,

I'll be prayin' for you dude!

If in military, (me USMC), thanks for serving!!!

My situation is still fresh given memorial day was D-day for me!

Its very tough to ponder given your distance away!

Given what you described, it just doesn't sit well with me!

NC could be compromised!

I think your pastor is right. No sense worrying about this while you are gone. Instead do a great Plan A, showing her what a wonderful, understand husband you can be. Read all the stuff here, including the emotional needs questionnaire.

I don't think the X-Box stuff did you in. I don't think she deals well with separation. Doesn't sound like it anyway. Women are usually vulnerable to their first love, but this guy is a jerk. It is sad that she had him around your kids.

A DWI could be a one time mistake, but he was on probation already. Sounds like a drunk.

G_H_A,

Some of the more common signs of NC being broken are hard to describe, but I think you might understand what I'm going to attempt to describe.

Do you know your W's face and voice and eyes? You know how she sounds when she is feeling happy and sad and frustrated with the kids...right? And you now the way her face looks when she's in love with you...how her eyes look at you.... THAT is your WIFE. Even after the A, after she told you and was a little afraid that you'd be mad and even at times was a little defensive and whatnot--could you tell it was really HER and not that Alien? When your W is your WIFE, then NC is in place. She may be angry, sad, cranky, a bit quiet and moping around...but you can tell it's your WIFE.

The other person who inhabits your wife's body sometimes is the ALIEN. The ALIEN is the wayward wife (WW), and I'll bet you know of her face and her eyes too. The ALIEN has a permanently drawn and angry face...and not your WIFE'S angry face, but a really vile and vicious face. The ALIEN also has hollow eyes that don't really see you and that look away in shame or look down. The ALIEN's eyes--when they do look at you--look at you with hate that you can not believe is possible. The ALIEN could not care less that it is destroying you with hate and vile. When the ALIEN speaks, the voice is hard, mean, short, selfish, and usually blaming you. Do you know when it's the ALIEN and not your WIFE?? When NC has been broken, usually the ALIEN is the one you talk to, not your WIFE. The Alien has taken over her body.

Soooo...if she was your Wife, but somewhat quiet and sad and acting as if someone in the family had died--that would be appropriate behavior for someone in withdrawal from their A. That would mean that NC was in place. If she is being vicious, mean, combative, secretive, and venomously angry then that would be a sign that NC had been broken.

Do you have someone who is checking up on your WW while you are away (like, does your pastor or his wife go to visit her to help her keep OM away)? I know that you are desperately worried about your M while you are away, but your thoughts need to be on your safety and safe return as long as you are in harms way! Would you W like an email penpal maybe? A non-judgmental, nice christian lady who is willing to hear her struggles? If it would be of help, you can have her email me! I volunteer!! My addy is in my profile--just click on my name, and I'll do all I can without bringing her here to read your private thoughts.

Take care of yourself, G_H_A! We will pray for her here in the States while you are away.

Your sister in Christ,



CJ

She admitted to me that he is an alcoholic (her dad is a recovering alcoholic), which makes it even harder to understand why she would want to go down that road...She has a horrible self-esteem issue which I know is part of it also. That will have to be dealt with. As far as a great Plan A, I am doing that. Did it before I realized what it was. We filled out the EN questionnaire together while I was on leave earlier this month, and have studied this site and pretty much know it verbatim. I come here pretty much all day every day because it helps me deal with my stuff by reading other peoples stuff.

Children of alcoholics are often attracted to alcoholics. It seems crazy, but I think they feel comfortable.

I think the main issue is that she doesn't do well away from you. Hope you can stay home from now on.

Faithful,
My wife wasn't angry at all, just distant. So maybe she is going through a withdrawal. I appreciate you letting me know. Right now, her best friend at church is calling her on a daily basis and checking up on her. She calls our pastor a lot too. It is so hard not talking about our relationship, per pastor's orders, while I am here. it gets to me sometimes. I just want to tell her how much I love her and that I wish I could hold her and it kills me sometimes to act like everything is FINE...I hate that word...I hate it with a passion now. I hate being 10,000 miles away from her. it sucks complete a$$. Sorry for venting.

It is hard being so far away. I'm so sorry this is happening. My WH's OW's husband was fighting in Iraq when they his wife and my husband had the affair. It is awful to go through.

I appreciate your concern..I just ask that everyone keeps my wife in their prayers, because she needs them. I am ok, I just want her to be ok. I really miss her.

Then which M is more important to you - Money or Marriage?

The only thing keeping you here is you. (posting from Saudi Arabia).

Dude, don't you think I know that my marriage is more important??? I came over here to pay off some debt for MY WIFE (who by the way, agreed it would be in our best interest to do this, but now I know better)and I..I didn't come over here to get away from her, but to help TAKE CARE OF HER. I can't leave until August or I will have to pay around 30 grand in taxes...That will just add to the stress in my marriage. I would have gone home a month ago if I could have financially. So what you are telling me is, that because I came over here for my family's sake (sure as ****** not mine), that that gave her a right to not keep her legs closed? Do you think I want to be in this $hithole of a country any longer and not with my wife???

Not sure where in the Middle East you are, but is there any way possible that you can have her come over with you for the duration of your contract??

No possibility here as there is no co-habitation...

If you end up without a wife, will it have been worth it? So you will owe $30K in taxes. How much will a divorce cost you?

I have to believe that your WW has done this mental math. What message are you really sending her?

I may be posting from KSA but I've be in EVERY SH country over here. They are all about the same (except the UAE). But my family is here with me.

So let me get this straight..Go home right now and pile 30,000 of tax debt on top of what I already have (which is one of the problems existing in our marriage already) and her be pissed because we can't pay that which piles on as to why she checked out to begin with...Isn't part of Plan A to be the sensible one?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

But the distance right now is the worst thing for your M.

It is the easiest thing to fix.

And yet it is not on the table for discussion.

So you are willing to do anything for your M. Within reason.

Look. I know debt and taxes are bad things.

Do you think going home will help you save your M? That is my only question. What do you think?