Folks, about a month after I gave my wife a choice and she ran the OM off, I found this site. For a long time, I hung out on recovery. I remember last year about this time, I was just glad as heck that I had survived a year and that things looked ok with our relationship, my wife and I.

It is coming up on two years now. And some of Bob Pure's wisdom is catching up with me. I recovered pretty quick overall, then stalled at the last 1%. Yes, it has been a roller coaster but mild compared to many. I took a hit that was as bad as any but my eternal optimism seemed to work and my sense of honor definitely helped. I was doing the right thing in my mind and that was a liferaft in a sea of boiling oil.

I have two problems.

The first is that I have a vague tickle in my mind to meet with the relative who betrayed me. He wants a meet because he has things to tell me that he cannot or will not tell me over the phone or via email. I am clueless what he wants to say. My wife, who says if she ever sees him again for the rest of her life it will be too soon, wants me to meet with him and have some sort of relationship. In her words, she destroyed something that was good by doing something that was evil.

See, he is the last living blood relative I have on the face of the earth. Plank and one other know who he is in relationship to me and enough said about that. All the rest of my family is gone by some means or the other.

I literally am paralyzed. I don't know what to do. I am not in the business of mitigating my wife's guilt. That isn't the problem or the issue. I am not even sure what the issue is. Maybe I need to talk to Steve.

The second issue is that I am getting sad again. I am being triggered by the upcoming DDAY thing and all I went through for 30 days of living heII on earth is starting to make me a bit sleepless and, well, sad. My wife must feel something because she is clingy with me right now. I dunno if it is because of her feelings of this time or because she can feel me upset.

Any suggestions?

Larry

OM is your last living relative and the worst enemy of your family. Decide if his friendship is worth more than your family.

IMHO, I would tell the OM he'd better be more convincing because right now there isn't reason enough for you to put yourself through that mess.

OM will make his colors shown. If he is truly remorseful, he will set aside his selfish request and set the record straight by your rules. If he is not, he will be more demanding and you will need to realize if he is holding an ace or 2, is it worth it(i.e. $$, inheritance, family pictures, history info, etc.).

L.

He understands that he will be putting himself in harm's way if he meets with me in person. After all this time, I STILL want to kick his [censored]. I *am* curious what he has to say. I intend no friendship, only an arm's length kinda thing.

Yes, he is the enemy of my family.

He has no hold on me. I dont' give a damn about anything except maybe I would like to see his son. Yea, and maybe I would like to spit on his lack of honor. I dunno. Like I said, I am confused.

This, coupled with the sadness I feel right now, is really putting a load on me. My guess is that it will all pass in a month or so, especially if my wife continues to express her caring and love every way she can find.

Adultery, the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you Orchid.

Larry

Hello Larry,

I suppose you have an underlying feeling that a face to face encounter with the man who had sex with your wife is an irrational action especially at two years’ post d-day. I might suggest that the ultimate closure that you can have with this person, blood relative or not, is the final realization and acceptance that you will never again have any contact with him. I can’t help but wonder if such acceptance is not the best gift of love that you can give to yourself and more importantly to your wife.

“Honey, do we “really” need him in our life?” As you can see the question is rhetorical.

As for your encroaching sadness, there can likely be a host of reasons. Perhaps it is as you have already surmised with your upcoming d-day anniversary or maybe it is tied to the time you spend on these pages viewing the countless episodes betrayal and horror or perhaps it is just worry grounded in the leftover remnants that we call the “past”. Kind of “hard to tell”.

I might suggest that you and your wife plan a vacation “getaway”. Pick a spot that the two of you can both enjoy and then start to consume yourselves with the planning aspects. If you have friends whom you both like then invite them. In short I am suggesting that you give yourself and your wife something to look forward to. It does not necessarily need to be a vacation; it could be a planning project for a house improvement or something similar. We are all (men and women) predisposed to bring order to our lives. Our inherent abilities to plan and then execute a plan to our benefit are a need we all have to some degree. Do it, it will make you both feel better.

I know that a few years separate you and your wife, how is that playing out, any difficulties or concerns? Do not be fearful of hooking up with a good “shrink” to get a better handle on life’s problems that cause you anxiety. There is certainly nothing wrong with gaining understanding through the use of a “shrink”, in fact, there is everything “right” with it.

Mr. G

I wholeheartedly agree with Mr G about this. Closure means never seeing or speaking to him again. Just the suggestion of contact with this man has triggered you in terrible ways. Seeing him helps you in no way. I am sure they both would like for you to meet, and in some way, make up, but that is not in your best interest. It may be in theirs, but not yours. You can see with your own eyes the pain this has brought you.


You really don't have any problems, Larry. Make a decision to never see this man again and close that door.

As far as your feelings about D-Day, you are supposed to have those feelings. That is a normal, natural reaction to D-Day that fades over time. But you can manage them by making NEW memories on your D-Day as Mr Goodstuff suggested. Go away on a fun, romantic weekend with your wife [perhaps to even Palo Duro Canyon or Cadillac Ranch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />] okok, just being a smartass there. How about to romantic Kemah down by Galveston?

Something else concerns me about what you said:


How were you contacted? Did he contact you directly?

Meeting with OM is wound-picking ...
wound-picking is neurotic feeding of obsession

Don't go there

DITTO

Larry,
You and your wife have gone and continue to go through recovery. The two of you have had the benefit of this web site and have used it well.

This OM has been on his own for these two years. He has not had any benefit of any type of recovery process. He has things to tell you?? You think any of the things HE has to say to you would enlighten you or improve your life in any way shape or form??

Of course not!!

Stay away from him. Do not give a nanosecond of thought to anything that may come out of his mouth. His brain is still full of fog, self-justification, etc. At best, some sort of lame apology is not worth your time and the pain it would cause you.

Stay away from him.
Lake

Larry,

You can bet that Dr. Harley himself would advise you against such a meeting...At his MB Weekends he advises leaving the past in the past...He would even tell you that you and your wife should not be continuing to discuss the affair, instead you should be working the MB program in your marriage-THAT is how you deal with all this...Pep is EXACTLY right, this is wound-picking and nothing but harm can come your way as a result of it...You and your wife are ONE, remember? NO CONTACT APPLIES TO YOU BOTH...

I'm very sorry that you are going through this...

Mrs. W

Coping with Infidelity: Part 4
Overcoming Resentment


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.

Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.

I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational. And when a spouse comes to me with unresolved feelings of resentment about something their spouse did in the past, I tend to put it on hold and focus on issues that prevent mistakes of the past from recurring. I ask them to trust my judgment, and see what happens to the resentment when the marriage has a chance to become fulfilling. In almost every case, resentment fades, as I predicted. While the painful memories are not entirely forgotten, the most recent marital experiences which are fulfilling and enjoyable, dominate a person's thinking, and resentment becomes weak and infrequent.

Recovery may not be complete

Resentment usually appears when an experience of the present reminds us of a painful experience of the past. For example, if a wife had been abandoned by her husband after a fight on a vacation, left to find her way home alone from Jamaica, the resentment of that experience would pop up whenever her husband walks out the door during an argument. Very often, continuing resentment means that whatever it was that caused the painful experience is still lurking in the background. And it jumps out every once in a while when evidence of it's existence surfaces.

The procedure for recovery that I suggest usually eliminates the root causes of infidelity, and that makes it unlikely that present experiences will remind a spouse of experiences associated with an affair. If the only time you feel resentment about a spouse's past affair is when your needs have not been met, when your spouse is engaged in a Love Buster, or when the Policy of Joint Agreement or Policy of Radical Honesty has not been followed, then it's the completion of recovery that's your problem, not resentment.

Larry,

I don't see any reason he would NEED to meet with you other than to ease HIS guilt with a face to face, man to man apology. The meeting would be for HIM, not YOU.

I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know what I thought his motives were.

As always Mr.G, solid advice. I guess another way to look at it is do "We" really need him in our lives. He acted without honor. But at the end of the day, so did my wife.

Let the past go is great advice, thanks Mel and PeP <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


We had some issues with that last week. As it turns out, both of the shrinks my wife saw for IC were idiots. The saving grace is that our closest friend is also one and he sees thing completely 180 from the "Feel good" idiots. She got over her anxiety and sadness over the age difference and rebounded very well. I think it is finally, completely dead and buried forever after several long talks and reason over emotions. Or at least a different set of emotions to replace the negative ones. I am fortunate in that I have aged really well. I have the physiology of the early to late 40s on average, in good shape and all parts work well with no health issues other than the onset of diabeties last year, which runs in the family, usually hitting in the early 30's. I just switched to the new wonder drug, Byetta.

Our age difference was one of about 8 different precursors and causes of her adultery (call it like it is); every possible scenario I have ever read plus a couple of new ones all came to a head at the same time and she literally went out of her cotten picking mind for a time. So did I.

Larry

Thank you MrsW.

And in reading what you said along with the others, I had a brain thing. Here are strangers concerned about me, way more than one blood relative was. Life is funny that way.

I have said this before; I *knew* my wife was vulnerable. I could *see* her family, her past and her future all colliding into a maelstorm of emotional anxiety and confusion. The *only* male I trusted around her was, well you know.

And at the end of the day, she made a choice. She stayed and fought the good fight to restore her relationship with me. Right now she is all over me with every ounce of energy she has to show me love and appreciation. It is working. I can feel it.

Larry

Lake:

He hooked up with someone else a couple of months after we gave him the bum's rush. Then the woman moved in with him a month or so later and they got married last year.

My wife's reaction was anger. "So much," she said, "for all his damn lies and promises."

Larry

BC, I think you have hit the nail on the head, exactly. I think I would hear a litany of excuses, rationalizations and apologies. At this point in time, the only reason why I would consider meeting with him is my ability to be really, really nasty when I am provoked. Nobody on here has ever seen that side of me because I keep it well in check, but in the past, I have had a few fights because of runaway mouth and effective and accurate verbal cuts.

Mel:


I said I wasn't in the business of mitigating my wife's guilt and I stand by that statement; double for the plague carrier. And yea, it hurts. I think BC is right, he is just looking to salve some of his own wounds. Why on earth would I want him to be able to do that? Better to just let him fester.

I think I am gonna go hug my wife and say something nice to her. Mr.G's suggestion is looking good right now if we can figure out how to get a few days off for her.

Thanks to all, again.

Larry

Hi larry

I have a rare attitude to family - that is that being a family member ( outside my spouse and kids) in no way mitigates poor behaviour towards me.

An unpleasant danger to my family is the same regardless of whether they share genetic material with me or not.

My sister and I are on civil terms bit not even slightly close. She and I antagonise each other so I stay away. I see no benefit to trying to overcome the natural polarity of our histories and personality.

Now add to that attitude the fact that a family member may have been OM as in your case and in fact I believe my ire would be just as strong.

If there are practical reasons for you to stay in contact, i.e. family assets use a lawyer to arrange it.

Otherwise I agree with the posters who say that you should not give this reptile the opportunity to salve his conscience face to face.

By the way, I went to meet OM to give him a piece of my mind after two years and it didn't turn out too well. Best to leave OM, relative or not, as a bad memory IME.

Well Larry,

It appears that several here have lent you their advice. How do you sum it all up? What will you do? Did you get the right advice for what is troubling you?

Is there something that you have left unsaid?

Mr. G

I believe the general consensus here is: leave the past in the past--no need to meet with OM at this time, even if he was a relative.

Regarding hitting the two-year mark of D-day, I actually do have a suggestion that helped me. As the "dates" of certain events rolled around each year, at first I basically relived the event that had occurred and was re-hurt all over again. But the next year that "dates" rolled around, I made a conscious decision that I was no longer going to give any more of my days and my tears to the A! I just wasn't going to let the A win! Sooooo...I decided that as "dates" rolled around, I was going to RECLAIM those "dates" for me. On D-day, I have a chosen to have a Romance Day with my DH. On my old anniversary date I have chosen to celebrate Unniversary Day, and on that day, I go to the spa, get a mani/pedi, and get a massage. You get the drift, right? I chose days that used to HURT me, and I have reclaimed those days so that now they are days that BUILD ME UP.

In your instance, I that from this day forward, D-Day should be a day that you and your W both take off of work, get a room at a nice hotel in town, act like newlyweds, and go out to a dinner and dancing. If you can't afford all that, do Romance Day, have gramma and grampa watch the kids that day, have coffee, croissant and strawberries in bed for breakfast, have a picnic for lunch, and cook a romantic dinner together and have dinner by candlelight with your fancy china.

Make sense? RECLAIM D-day!! Do not give the A any more of your minutes, hours, days or tears.



--CJ

BTW...(waving)..."HI BOB!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Got it Mr. G. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I suspect I just wanted to whine a bit. Psycho can go pound sand.

Larry

Larry, although not family, my wife's OM contacted me recently telling me how he missed our friendship and wanting to be able to contact me again.

After I picked myself up off the floor I tore him a new one.

NC works mate - especially for the BS.