I have a theory that might explain 2 things - why I'm having trouble expressing remorse that I KNOW I'm definitely feeling and why I didn't stop at just one affair.

I think after the first...I don't know if it was the first time or the first affair, I repressed my guilt but it came out in the form of depression, which for me includes many physical symptoms. Depression runs in my family like blue eyes, so I just blamed the depression on my genes and didn't consider the real source. Anti-depressants help, but when you have emotional problems on top of having an out-of-whack natural biochemistry they can only go so far. So I sought a hedonistic distraction and since I don't do drugs and hardly ever drink I chose affair sex, the thing that was making me feel guilty in the first place. I repressed the guilt, got more depressed, sought a hedonistic distraction in the form of affair sex and got caught up in a vicious feedback loop.

Making the decision to stop the affairs threw me out of the loop but still leaves me with 5 or 6 years of repressed guilt. In Harley's book he talks about the concept of flooding in relation to anger in men. I think I fear a different kind of flooding.

Several people asked me about my childhood and relationship with my dad. I said it's good now in spite of some past physical abuse because he sought help and changed. That's all true, but abused kids tend to have lots of absences from school because of psychosomatic complaints like stomach aches and headaches with no medical cause. I was no different in that regard. So I already have a history of translating feelings into physical complaints.

Right now I feel nauseated, have intestinal cramps and my shoulders and neck are stiff and sore.

That's good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

By that I mean, do something else physical to ward off the bad feelings and change your neurochemistry .... try taking your kids to a park and making huge bubbles, or taking art supplies to the park and draw what you "see" upside down .... break the routine.

Do something silly. Do something with your children that makes all of you feel closer to each other ....

replace the nausea of anxiety with joyous laughter

just a thought

you CAN change your reaction to stressors .... it's simple really, you just need to be creative and not give up

Do you have Bipolar Disorder?

Mrs. W

Mrs. W,

No, I don't think so. The high from affair sex lasts especially long for me, nearly a week, but I don't think I experience a true manic phase and definitely not one that pops up on its own.

Pepperband,

those are great ideas, thanks. I'll try that. I also think I need to be okay with actually feeling the guilt in its proper emotional form so I (and others) can actually recognize it is there. Baby steps, I guess.

Aphaerisis,

What role, if any, did the loss of your self-identity as a "good girl"play in the A's and as a barrier to R with your husband? This is not an insult to you, just an attempt to find another possible reason for the propagation of an A or several A's. Did you ever think that as a WS "I could not go back to my BS" because now the illusion of a good girl is gone and could only be recaptured in another R that could start out as being untarnished by your actions?

Cymanca,

Well it wasn't so bad that I felt I had to leave my husband, but it was bad enough so that I felt what I did was unforgivable and therefore should stay hidden, and that I was already "that kind of woman" and nothing I did would change that. I did something that could not be undone. And I thought that maybe I had a natural tendency toward it that other women didn't have - that maybe I was a freak of nature and wasn't meant to be "the marrying kind." But I didn't want to lose my husband either.

See, I had always thought of myself as "the marrying kind" even though I had cheated on a few boyfriends and quite often avoided cheating by dumping the old boyfriend hoping to snag the guy waiting in the wings. I just figured all those guys were the wrong guy, and when I found the right one I would not want anyone else (my mom told me that's what marriage was like.) After I starting cheating, I looked back at my past dating history and concluded that I was different and never should have agreed to be monogamous (because I wasn't good enough). I dreamed of the possibility of an open marriage, but I see now why that would have been a bad idea even if my husband would have agreed to it (which he never would.)

What caused the most guilt for me was all the lying to him and sneaking around. That's why the idea of open marriage was so appealing to me, but like I said it does not appeal to me anymore.

Aphaerisis,

Thank you for your honesty

Cymanca, no problem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In addition to the Guilt Loop, I think other contributing factors were: addiction to infatuation chemicals, feelings that I'm undesirable to my husband, dissatisfaction with my marital sex life. These were contributing factors...

The actual CAUSE was me being stupid and selfish. The contributing factors only explain why my selfishness took the particular form it did.

I think it may have helped that you seem to have a messed up view of sex as well. It's not unlikely for most people to view sex as less than the sacred gift that it is, given our culture and the way most of us don't get any kind of good sexual education (or example) from our FOO's.

From Pep:



Tony Robbins has some interesting stuff on this, Neuro Associative Conditioning (or something like that). It's fascinating how it works and does seem simple.

He said he had a client who came to talk to him about her marriage and everytime she got into her whiny, crying diatribe about the bad state of her marriage he threw a glass of water in her face. By the third time he did it she busted out laughing, instead of crying. It changed her association of pain to laughter when she thought of the problems in her marriage and she was able to come up with solutions instead of frustration.

He used it for someone afraid to get on an elevator in the same way.

His theories on personal change and how to do it our really good, I think.

Sounds like you need to do a plan A for you. Make your own self improvements for yourself.

Have you spoken to Jennifer C @ MB about your sitch? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

What kind of flooding are you thinking of?

I have had depression for 20+ years. Normally I can keep it in check, but occasionally I get what I call the "avalanche of negativity". See, I get a stray negative thought that will roll down the hill, and knock another negative thought loose...and another...and another...and suddenly I am buried by bad thoughts about myself and almost unable to function.

I cannot use AD's for fear of my job. The best I can do is make sure I get enough rest - if I get too overtired over a period of days I can't keep the negative thoughts in check. I also try to exercise 3-5 times a week.

Are you on AD's? Have you considered them? They can take 4-6 weeks to kick in, so you might think about starting now...

Apharesis,

My thinking is that if you can recognize how hurtful your behavior has been, then you can find a way to start changing it...especially if it means you need to seek external help for your problem.

I used to smoke cigarettes when I was 18 (I'm 35 now, annulled, and a mother of one D8). In 2002, I was struck down with tuberculosis of the bone (long story). Two major operations later, I was unable to walk normally for almost a year. Even then I didn't quit smoking...it was too hard, and my body was so used to it that to quit it on my own felt futile.

When I made the decision to quit over 2 years ago, I asked for help. After 8 months of nicotine patch treatments, I felt no further urge to smoke. Not only that, I had to retrain myself to seek other ways to deal with the triggers that caused me to smoke (e.g. stress/bad days, full meals, cups and cups of coffee, etc.) If I had to do this cold turkey, chances are, I would have failed miserably.

The high you feel from affair sex is fleeting (I think you know that already)...it will never address the root of your problems. There is no band-aid solution --- you have to be ready to put in the time to change the direction and break the vicious cycle of cheating...don't resign to thinking of yourself as a freak of nature.

But the good news is, you came here and shared your story with us. Knowing there is a problem is often the first (and hardest) step. A lot of people are here who are willing to listen and offer guidance.

In the end of course, it'll be you calling all the shots. We can only hope that you'll find the courage to listen, and the will to believe that you're a lot better than what you perceive yourself to be.

Lots of luck to you.

Orchid,


What would that entail?


No. Who is she?

bitbucket,


Guilt. But it's coming back to me in a form I can recognize, and I'm not falling apart. Writing the original post on this helped.

To answer your other questions, I am on 3 anti-depressants (recently had one added) and I'm doing well on the new combination.

passionpeach,


Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Orchid: Well unless u r perfect, I should think there are many things we individually know we can do to improve ourselves. Take the EN questionnaire and find yours.


Orchid: Hm.... Jennifer C is Dr. Harley's daughter who works with MB as a MC. Jennifer is great with helping many an OP get back to the real world.

R U interested? Howz your H doing?

L.

Orchid,

Well others here have suggested I talk to Dr. Harley, but I don't have $185 to spend right now. I'm trying to save up.

Orchid,

I almost missed your other question. My husband is still worried about finding a job. So nothing's changed yet.

Orchid: Ok, your next option c/b to read HNHN and dialogue here with a purpose to improve yourself.




Orchid: He is worried because......?

L.

Orchid,

He's worried because his contract is up soon and he has had no interviews yet.

I read HNHN. He doesn't want to fill out a questionnaire right now, though. I've started giving him compliments more often. I'm not sure what else to do. I can't call him any more often than I do because he got annoyed when I did that before.

I've been avoiding LBs. Am I missing anything?

You know, he's so depressed about the job situation, I'm not sure I CAN meet his needs now. But I can avoid LBs. I wish I could do more, but he's just not open to it right now.