I have another thread on here that explains my situation, but basically my ex-wife and I are dating each other again. We haven't made any committments and we are trying to move slow. We went on our first date last night, and we both had a great time. My problem is that we don't want to confuse the children (14yr boy, 9yr boy, 6 yr daughter). I told her that she should just tell them she is having dinner with a friend. I can do this and they won't badger me about it, but my 14 year old is very controlling of his mom. He is never like that in front of me, but when they are alone he has an opinion on everything she does.

Anyway, he figured out she was with me after calling both of us. (I left my phone in the car, but she answered hers). I think he knew something was up just from seeing the tone that we used when speaking with each other. I don't know if I should tell the kids something or not. Should we spend time together with the children or on our own. It's difficult to spend time together without the kids because they are always with one of us. If we get a babysitter or let our 14yr old babysit, she has to tell them where she is going. I don't want to lie to our children, but I don't want to hurt them anymore either. I think the 14 year old could handle it if I explained that we just want to see if there is any chance at us getting back together, but I don't know about the other two.

Any help is appreciated.

And if the 14 year old knows, he has an opinion. What is his opinion as expressed to HER?

Larry

He is not happy about it. I don't really understand it, though. He and I have a good relationship. I don't know if he is looking out for her, or he just knows that he won't be able to get away with as much if we were together. I was the primary diciplinarian when we were together, and I am a lot more lax now because they are only with me for visitation. I don't want to spend all of my time with him getting on to him about things that he has done while with his mom. Consequently, he is able to get away with a lot more than when we were together.

Without school out, and one kid knowing, it doesn't seem like a secret you can keep. For the sake of building the best relationship with your kids, I don't endorse lying, even with good motives. So maybe you downplay it and don't advertise.

I will go out on a limb and say that while you don't want your kids to be hurt more than necessary, this is probably a second-order effect (i.e., a much less significant effect). The truth is, if you stay apart from your Ex, they are children of divorce with all of the Wallerstein-documented negative effects. (Which are worse IMHO than bruised feelings because an attempt at reuniting didn't work out.) If you re-unite, they are children of an sometimes troubled marriage, but one where the parents worked hard at it.

Personally, I think being open with your children about other relationships (dating others) is worse. They may see you treating a spouse as a replaceable functional unit. That won't serve them well one day in their own marriages.

For everyone's sake, I hope you and your ex can work things out.

- WG

He is of an age where everything is about him. I think you are right in that he doesn't want consequences for some of his less than bright ideas that all teenagers have. The first person you have to get on board is your ex-wife. She has to decide that her son needs more of an authority figure in his life for his own long term good. Some women have serious problems with THAT concept.

Larry

Probably he is just protecting his mom. Must have seen her mom having a hard time during your break up with her before and now he doesn't want that to happen again.