My previously most recent thread is here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1Long story short... divorced 19+ months. I want to try to reconcile with my XH... most of the details of the last 5 weeks are in the thread referenced above.
Today, I finally mustered up the courage to have a talk with my XH. I had written him a letter some time ago, telling him that I still love him, past hurts are forgiven, asking for forgiveness for my hurts, and it came with no "expectations".
Today after we closed the shop, I asked him if he had a few minutes to talk. I handed him the letter, which he said he would read on his own later. I told him how I feel, and all that I would add to that letter is the hope that he might want to come home again someday.
He was very kind when we spoke - I was a bit apprehensive that my opening this all up would spark anger or resentment. It didn't.
I didn't push him for any answers, but he did tell me that he feels that "it's gone".. he didn't say "never" but he doesn't think he has it in him to ever want to come home again.
I didn't cry or get emotional - I'm kind of proud of myself for that.
I told him that if he ever did want to explore reconciliation, that "coming home" wouldn't be an overnight thing, that if he wanted to just try "a date" or something, we could do that - quietly (ie not tell kids or anyone).
He listened carefully to what I had to say. He was not emotionless, but he wasn't overtly emotional either. I could tell he cared about what I had to say, and he did not want to hurt me, and I'm grateful for that.
I asked him to keep the door open, and he said he would. He also told me that he knew how I was feeling and that is why he's declined my invitations to dinner etc. because he did not want to lead me on.
When I told him that the harder I try to swallow my feelings for him, the harder those feelings worked to resurface. He told me I didn't move on with the "right" person - and perhaps I should look for a more suitable one. I told him that this was not about anybody else - it was about how *I* feel toward him. He kept bring my XBF's name up. I didn't bring his GF's name up AT ALL and neither did he.
I told him that I'm working on myself - for *me*. He has noticed the changes - that I express appreciation etc., and I told him just because he doesn't return my feelings, that much would not change, and he accepted that. He really was very gracious. Last time we visited this topic just before the divorce, he was outright hostile - but not this time.
I sensed that he does have *some* feelings, but at least not at this time, not the inclination to "go there" again with me.
I'm hurt - a bit, but not devastated like I thought I would be. I'm not sure if I'm in denial about it - as if not believing in what he was telling me, but a little part of me wants to think he will at least consider what I've told him and consider all that I have been doing to improve myself.
I left the ball in his court - I asked him that if his feelings ever changed, and that he'd like to explore reconciliation, to please just let me know. He said he would. He didn't punctuate it with words telling me not to hold my breath... he just kind of left it open, but he was clear that he doesn't think that it will happen. He wasn't mean about it, not even matter-of-fact - he was gentle about it.
I also told him that I've seen many positive changes in him. I told him that I acknowledge all that I did to ruin our marriage, and he told me that it wasn't all on me either - I agreed, we both unraveled it. I told him that I appreciate that he has owned his part of it, and that things he's said to me lately have shown me that, and I thanked him for it.
When we were finished talking about it, we sat for a few more minutes and talked about other things.
When we were getting ready to leave, I asked him for a hug, and he gave me a good one. I could hear him clenching his teeth (something he does often - has to wear a dental guard at night for it). I mentioned it and he just kind of laughed it off - I said I hoped I wasn't stressing him out - he said no, he'd been doing it all day (he was working on some tedious stuff during the work day).
Just before he left, he told me that he thinks his vacation may be on July 7 now and that he's going to fly out there.
Even though I never mentioned his GF, I asked him if he was really going to move there. He said that he'd love to live out there, but it was really never an option because of our children. He just signed a 15-month lease that doesn't expire until October of 2008 also.
I also mentioned his job as a deterrent to moving. He said he'd be able to telework out there, but it was because of the children that it's not even a real viable option. I thanked him for being devoted to his children - we both know that some fathers can detach, but I knew he couldn't and I was glad of that.
At that moment, a client came back to the shop (we had been closed for a while, but I let him in because he needed to exchange something). He bid me good night and that he'd see me tomorrow.
So that's where I'm at. I'm glad he was nice about it - he was careful not to be hurtful and for that I'm grateful.
I'm puzzled though. If he has no intentions of moving to be with the GF, is he stringing *her* along? I didn't talk about her, even though he referenced my XBF several times. I was dying to ask questions, but that would have been a huge LB so I didn't.
So here are my questions for the good folks here...and I know you can't read his mind, but based on the experiences that people here have had...
Is it done, and should I just learn to file these feelings away? I *will* keep working on myself - but should I just extinguish any hope that he will want to come home and learn to live with that?
Or should I see this event as a chance that the door really is still open? He's basically acknowledged that he's at a stalemate with the GF (without actually coming out and saying it - but everything he said points to that) - is it likely that he may change his thinking once that finally burns out?
In other words, is what he's still feeling for GF and what EN she's continuing to fill, "blocking" what could be a possible R opportunity?
Like I said I don't expect any mindreaders or fortune tellers here - but what do the odds look like at this point?
I want to continue to keep the door open for a while. He did say that if his feelings change at some point, he will let me know. That being said, I can still continue to Plan A in the hopes that eventually he'll come around.
Or should I just let it go for once and for all, continue on my own journey of personal growth, and just continue to be OK on my own?
In the course of our conversation, I did tell him that I wanted to leave the door open, but I was not going to wait forever. I went on to explain that I wasn't about to run out and look for somebody else - rather, I don't think I will feel that kind of love for somebody else, but I am OK on my own. He acknowledged that (that's when he said I should look for somebody more suitable than the man I was with for a while).
I did not love-bust or AO at all ... but in the back of my mind, my DJ and LB side was going bonkers. Pot calling kettle black insofar as picking the wrong partner... but I kept it under wraps.
So there it is - any/all feedback, thoughts, support, 2x4s welcome. I'm OK... and I will continue to be OK, and truth be told I think it went better than I expected. I didn't expect him to come running to me with open arms - but he wasn't frosty either.
Help?
JinGA
