Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Jean. You are right - I want him 100% or not at all.

I'm quite positive that things are fizzling with the GF - not sure why he still plans to go there, but he still says he's going. Of course the ticket isn't bought yet, there's still a few days for him to change his mind. I don't know - maybe it will be good for him to go there - to see with his own eyes that it's done.

I never thought my own feelings would be so strong in wanting/loving him again - but they are. The same *could* happen for him (and they could not - I'm staying real there).

He still lets me fill some of his EN... and I told him I was making an effort to do so (actually it's not hard when you make it a habit). It's likely that GF is still filling some of his EN, that's why he's still 'with' her... but as she moves on, that's going to leave a void.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

I am patient.

And yes, meanwhile life goes on, and I'm not stagnating, I'm living and learning each day.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Woops I slipped today - sorta - a few times, actually.

First of all, a friend of my family - a woman I grew up with, died last night of cancer. She was 35. She was diagnosed just under a year ago, and passed peacefully last night with her mother and my mother at her side, and her husband in the next room (he didn't want to be there at the very end - said his private good-byes beforehand). My sister, who is the same age as Suzi (I am 5 years older) was always close with her, even into adulthood. Luckily my sister came home a month or so ago and had a good visit with her, and they said their goodbyes then. My sister will be flying home for the funeral.

XH knows the woman's mother through my family - I can't recall if he'd met Suzi - but when he came in tonight I told him of her passing - he knew she'd been ill as I told him. I got a bit verklempt and a few tears escaped. He was sympathic - he was halfway across the room so there was no "danger" of hugging or anything like that... I quickly regained my composure, but he could see I was upset.

He had customer issues to attend to outside the shop so he was only here for a short while then left to attend to those.

The second client he had to visit is, well there's no other way to say it - an idiot. He was having imaginary technical difficulties and I ended up sending XH there for nothing. When he was done, XH called me from outside to tell me, "Well he's an idiot" to which I replied without even thinking, "Well we already knew that, Hun." I realized what I'd said right after I said it but I just kept going. Funny I don't think I ever really called him that before... we were always, "Dear" to each other ... and I don't use pet names on other people. Weird. Oops... oh well. I think I surprised him but he didn't say anything and neither did I - we finished slamming the customer *g* and he said he wouldn't be back in, he was going straight home - which is fine - no need for him to come back in.

The *other* thing... and I probably shouldn't waste my time on such things, but I'm weak sometimes - I decided to have a little peek at his GF's myspace page and Yahoo profile - not the dating profile, just the "general" profile... well, apparently she's already "fishing" on Yahoo (XH has myspace and it's benign - but he's on it pretty much daily - she doesn't seem to use myspace at all anymore). anyway, on her Yahoo 360 thingy there was a suggestive comment from an old friend of hers, perhaps an old flame, telling her that her photo looked great (old photo LOL) and that he'd made the wrong choice all those years ago. She'd posted a reply to him telling him that she's "home" again and that he must come and see her.

Then some other dude with a cowboy hat posted something flirty saying she looked hot or something and she posted back to him that he's a good looking man.

So it's unraveling. I don't know if XH is aware of this - and I'm certainly not going to tell him - but it's clear to me that she's already scoping out her next prize. I figured it was only a matter of time once she left - it's been just over 2 months since she left, about on schedule IMO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And to think he's about to waste his vacation time and money going out to see her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Well, I guess he's going to have to see it for himself. I'll be here when he gets back. I feel badly for him - I don't know if he is aware of her "activities" but I daresay she's having a good time with her friends back home - meanwhile he's busy staying true to her and living like a hermit. There are days when I feel jealous - I wonder why he didn't try as hard with our M as he seems to be trying to save a relationship with somebody who didn't even love him enough to stick around.

*Sigh*

OK - kicking myself in the pants now and returning to my regularly scheduled self-recovery.

JinGA

Another new day. I'm over the minor pity party I had last night. I guess this journey is filled with peaks and valleys, isn't it?

I've learned to recognize when I'm sinking into pity party mode and I *do* kick myself in the pants to get myself out of it - so that too is progress, yes?

I keep telling myself I'm patient - but I'm really not LOL! I'm hoping that if I keep telling myself that I'm patient, I will self-fulfill that prophecy. After all, self-talk plays a large part in who we are and what we accomplish. Negative self-talk begets negativity, and positive self-talk begets... ummm positivity?! (My spell check didn't reject positivity as a word so I guess it is!)

I am patient... I am patient... (I will become patient...)

It's hard to see him every day and be so close, but yet so far away from him.

On the *positive* side... at least I DO get to see him most days and therefore I DO have an opportunity to demonstrate the careful honing of my Plan A skills, and all the self-improvements I'm doing. Looking better - bought a few new blouses (on sale!) to wear instead of that old company polo shirt... lost a few lbs... working on losing a few more... Feeling better, smiling a lot more, being a much more self-confident person. He gets to SEE that every time he comes into the shop. It's right in his face without my having to go out of my way to show him.

I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. We are trying to sell the business, and I've had paperwork in the hands of a prospective buyer for over a month now. While part of me is stressing about this a bit, another part of me knows that such things happen in God's time. Went through that when we moved here - what should have been a fairly quick move (3-4 months) ended up taking 2 years - but the reason for the "delay" was only evident at the *end* of those 2 years.

I think the same thing applies now. God will see to it that the right offer is made on the business, when His timeline says so. Meanwhile I am doing what I can to further the business, and until it's sold, I have opportunities to show XH what he's missing. I don't think that's a coincidence.

I'm not stalling on the disposal of the business - in fact I put in a call to the prospective buyer last week but I haven't heard back from him yet. If he doesn't make an offer and/or give me a timeline I'll have to list it with a broker - and then it's anybody's guess if/when we'll get a bona-fide buyer.

As I get older I'm learning not to fight against God.. although it's not easy. I have faith that He will keep me going in the right direction, I just have to understand that His timeline and mine don't always match <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It *will* all work out as it should... and I am patient...

Any advice as to what to look for in XH? Or do you all think it may remain in a holding pattern for quite a while longer?

If he decides to get back into the dating scene again - is that my cue to just give up that hope? It won't change how I feel, but it will adjust how I perceive what may happen down the road I think. Or maybe I'm trying to stick the cart before the horse again...

I hate it when I do that.

JinGA

Ok, I've got to ask... What is geocaching?

www.geocaching.com

It's a worldwide "scavenger hunt" On that website are co-ordinates and clues to things hidden all over the world.

Sometimes it's a large box or bucket full of stuff to trade (lots of McToys and such but sometimes there's good grown up stuff in there!), sometimes it's something tiny like a film canister with a sheet to sign.

You put the co-ordinates to the "treasure" in your GPS and go find it. Many are in parks and things, but DS and I went and found a bunch in parking lots the other day. Lamp posts in parking lots - there's a plastic or metal "skirt" where the post meets its concrete base - that's a great hiding place for a film canister. You just have to figure out which lamp post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There are no winners or losers in the game - but you do rack up statistics. I've got 61 finds now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There's other features of the game too - but that's the gist of it.

It's a great activity for all ages - I have seen people with young children, teens, adults (I think the average age of players is 40-ish) and lots of retirees.

Check out the website - it's a lot of fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

OK I thought I was done with the PPP (Personal Pity Party) but I'm finding myself struggling with discouragement today.

I re-read my own post from this morning and trying to make it stick...

If anybody has more words of encouragement, I could sure use 'em right now.

The other day Jean said:

I *know* this - but I'm still struggling with it... I'm asking God to strengthen me a bit here...

JinGA

This will pass. You're stuck in uncertainty. My suggestion is to move on with your life and stop looking back. I'm not suggesting you start dating, but start moving on as if your H wasn't going to join you.

I have a feeling you've never really grieved the loss of your marriage. Grieve it now and start moving on.

He probably won't wake up till he sees you doing so and thinks he will lose you for real.

I did grieve the loss of my M, maybe the process wasn't complete before I did move on.

I am working on myself, I do things for *me* and for the kids - at least I'm going through the motions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And I have learned an awful lot in the last few months in particular, when I did start to focus more on improving myself.

He said he wasn't going to join me - so I suppose I should just accept that - but my *gut* tells me this isn't over by a long shot. Maybe that's why I'm stuck.

Maybe I'm only seeing what I want to see.. maybe I'm seeing hope where there isn't any? But his *actions* say differently than his words do. I told him this. He told me he wasn't deliberately sending mixed signals - yet he still does.

When he thought I was a bit "too friendly" with a male client, he demonstrated jealousy. I did not set out to make him jealous, and when I saw him show jealousy I moved right away to dispell it. Even the client saw it in him, and once I made it clear that this guy is *just* a client, and very married, XH actually started treating the client better than the "average" client. It's like they're buddies now LOL.

I know how to carry on on my own - been doing that. I'm just not sure how to move past it to that point where he does see that he might "lose me for real" - because I don't feel like he will lose me for real. Does that make any sense?

JinGA

Jin,

I we are in same boat you and I and its either a zeppelin or its the titantic but I don't know if its a good boat to be on.

All my friends tell me that WW will eventually circle around to me again and its probably only for a quick bite and a pit stop and she will keep wondering through life not having a grounding.

Just recently I chatted with the OM from last year... here is some of what he said. Now he is coming from the perspective of being the one she was going towards..

"I think she has a fear of being alone. I mean in one way or another we all do but she takes it to the extreme."

I had asekd, "Do you think she would have tried and tricked you into having a baby? ie getting pregnant on purpose to force you into a relationship?"

he responded, "No doubt! More-so now that I know how she is."

So are we better off with out them?

Well initially I thought I was better off without him. However that was after years of eggshell walking when he was in the throes of depression that he wouldn't admit to having. You see, it wasn't *him*... it was everybody else.

After the fact he sought treatment. He's well now - he takes meds and likely will for the rest of his life, but for the last couple of years he's been stable on them and his condition is managed. Even if he has a 'down day', he doesn't lash out - he recognizes it and I give him his space to deal with it, after I've asked him if he's OK and let him know I'm here for him. I don't push - he knows I'm here - and he manages it. This is a far cry from all the AO he used to have before he was diagnosed.

Once the depression became managed, he returned to being the man I married - for the most part. That's when my feelings came back around to him. I asked him to move out when we split, and I filed for the D. I filed for the D after he'd moved on with whom I consider to be a golddigger (and nothing has proved me wrong on that opinion thusfar) and I had to protect my kids and me from the choices he was making at that time.

He's not out living it up being single. He tried to settle down and make a family with his GF (her kids - he's "fixed" so no chance of OC)... but that didn't work out. If he were out partying and living like a happy bachelor, I'd agree with you - but unless he's totally taken a 180 from the values and things that we both worked for in our 20 years together, everything that he seems to want is standing right here before him.

Some days I think he sees it, some days I think he fights against it. If he did "come around" again, I do think it would be for real - the fact that he did not want to lead me on says he's grown up quite a bit from even around the time of the D when he was cake-eating big time. If he did come around I don't think it would be a pit stop in my XH's case.

I *am* fine on my own. I think I'm struggling today because it's a slow day at work, and I'm bored. I'm puttering at some paperwork between reading/posting here, but I'm bored and when I'm bored, I start to think too much. When I'm out and about doing things and occupied, or busy here at work, I don't stew in my own juices so much.

So I guess I've identified part of my PPP problem... boredom leads me to discouragement.

At least when I am reading/posting here, it's therapy for me - getting my own feelings out there and processing them, such as I am now, or reading about others' experiences and taking lessons from those too - and I sometimes offer input if I think I have something halfway constructive to say.

This site has been a lifesaver for me, in many ways, and I'm grateful to have a support system here for when I am struggling - that helps me get through it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, and please keep the encouragement coming - it really helps a lot.

JinGA

Another day winding down. It just started pouring here so that will keep the customers away - wimps here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

XH came by as usual, helped me with a few things. I had a non-business computer issue I needed help with, so I asked and he obliged.

DD went to a friend's cottage party til Saturday and XH went home to clean up his ashtrays (neither of us smokes around the kids but they know XH smokes - they've never busted me or alluded to knowing about my filthy habit...) then he's going to pick up DS likely for a few days.

I asked XH if he'll be around tomorrow night, he said no - Fridays are hit and miss, sometimes yes, sometimes no. So I guess I'll see him Saturday.

I got out of my funk from earlier - I took care of some old issues at the shop here that I've been procrastinating on - that helped get my mind off things. Now I've just got a couple of hours til I go home, fix myself a bite and watch some stuff on the TIVO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

One good thing about being on my own - *I* have sole possession of the remote!

JinGA

And.....you can eat salads for dinner!!!!!

Salads? Nah I'm going to be a bit more adventurous than that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I bought groceries 2 days ago and my kids haven't hoovered them all yet so I actually have some choices...

I'm spoiled though, DD usually fixes dinner (I work til 8:00 PM 3 nights a week...) I'm on my own to cook tonight!

XH is a good cook - he did most of the cooking in our M... that's why I gained weight!

I'll have something sensible (and maybe some ice cream for dessert - Extreme Moose Tracks!).

OK I'm hungry now - that's OK it's nearly quittin' time.

JinGA

Woohoo came home to HNHN in my mailbox!

I can read tonight!!!

JinGA

I got it last week and read it in an evening..

Well, at least we'll know what to do if we get in another R.
See, here's another reason to be single - you can curl up with a book and read all night (ok,ok I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />)

I did save a marriage this week by lending mine out. After I told my story (wh lived with OW, passed himself off as divorced etc) and let the person borrow the book, he came back and said he was going back home. He said that his issue with his W was too much church, and if that was the worst thing about his marriage then it wasn't all that bad. I agreed. Nothing is as bad as what all of us are going thru....

Well today was interesting...

For somebody who isn't interested in me (supposedly) he sure seems interested in sharing things with me.

He bought himself a fancy new camcorder - for "ghost hunting". First thing this morning he comes in toting his new toy, all eager to show it to me and tell me about what a good deal he got and the ordeal involved with it - he got the demo model and they couldn't find the power cord etc.

I listened intently to his story.

*THEN* he wants to demonstrate how well it works in the dark (seems that ghosts only allow themselves to be photographed in the dark...)... so he brings me into the store bathroom, turns out the light.

I asked him, "What are we looking for, the toilet ghost?!"

He continued to play with the camcorder most of the day. He had an out-call to do, and he brought it with him and got some excellent shots of the client's system. I expect he'll be playing all night with the footage - hopefully we'll have something to upload to the store's website <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No word yet on his vacation - he hasn't told me if/when he's going yet, but he did mention that he needs to buy a bag for his new camera because the one he was using belongs to GF's camera - I guess she left the bag (and camera?) when she left. There's a lot of GF's and her kids' stuff left at his apartment. I guess they couldn't take it all on the plane when they left.

He did either make or receive a fairly long phone call late in the day - not sure if it was GF or not.

I find it best not to ask or even mention the GF's name.

I would like to know when he's going on vacation - so I can plan for the shop - I've asked him to keep me in the loop and he said he would, so I'm not going to pester. Hopefully I'll find out before he's actually leaving...but last time he mentioned it he was tentatively leaving next weekend, the 7th-ish.

He was in a good mood today, and very chatty. I guess he was all excited about his new toy.

He caught a cat nap on the couch at the end of the day, that is, until a client came in with his 2 monsters, umm children. Brats doesn't even begin to describe these kids...

After they left, XH and I both just shook our heads about these kids, they are unreal. Then XH said that a long time ago I'd told him how bratty these kids are, and he had kind of dismissed it (I'm not terribly patient with unruly kids, but I have to suck it up with clients - but I will speak up if there is danger of a kid breaking something and hurting themself - stuf can be replaced, kids can't)... anyway just before he left, he told me that when I first told him about these kids, he had dismissed what I'd said about them being so bad. Then he shook his head and I said, "Am I validated now?" And he said, "And then some!"

After work he picked DD up to go over to his place for the night, DS is already there, so I'm "kidless" tonight.

Our DD's birthday is in just under a month. Last year he was flat broke and didn't even get her a gift. GF's son gave XH a used Game Boy he didn't want anymore, to give to DD, about a week after her birthday. This year we split and bought DS a small MP3 player (I paid up front, he reimbursed) - we haven't discussed DD's b'day yet but I hope she doesn't get short-changed again by him this year. Of course last year I made sure both my kids got gifts... and I'll make sure DD gets something this year. I just hope that XH doesn't spend every penny he has before he thinks of his daughter this time...

JinGA

Another weekend winding down. Today our extra help was here. XH worked on his own, and so did I. Chit-chat was minimal, barely at all. He did pressure-wash the bird cages (*my* pets in the shop, I don't sell birds but I have 4 pets in 2 cages), so he did that "for me", and I thanked him.

I served customers and pretty much kept to myself - he did his own thing in the other part of the shop. He didn't bring in his new toy today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He did bring me a memory stick for his old PDA that he doesn't use anymore - I can use it for something and I'd asked him for it during the week - he dropped it off last night after closing when he came back after hours to pick up something he'd forgot. Thanked him for that too.

Other than that - decent "sales day" at the shop... and I kept a bit of distance.

No word yet on his vacation. He asked if I wanted the kids home tonight, which I replied in the affirmative, so they'll be home in a few hours. He never mentioned July 4, so I'm planning to have a day OFF with the kids. Something tells me he's not even going to ask to take them after all - he's probably too busy.

JinGA

Not much new today. XH stopped in, it was busy and he stayed longer than he wanted to - but I needed the help, so I let a new customer talk his ear off for over an hour while I served the rest.

Another client who is moving, contacted us by email to update us on his situation - said his tank would be movable next week - but XH didn't say if this will work for him vis a vis his vacation - which is still as of yet unconfirmed with me.

AND he did not ask to have the kids tomorrow, the 4th. Whew - I didn't have to turn him down. I guess he's got plans or whatever - maybe he'll be busy packing? If he is going as per his most recent plan, he'll be leaving Saturday - I'm just running on that assumption until he tells me otherwise. He didn't say anything to the kids about it either, so I have no idea if he's firmed up any plans at all. Guess we'll see.

There wasn't much chat between us tonight as we were busy with customers and I'd been running since I walked through the door (we open at 4 on Tuesdays and he arrived a bit early, at 4:30). He left about 6-ish and the customer that was talking his ear off got handed over to me when everybody else left, and that customer left about 10 minutes ago (at 7!). Some folks just like to talk.

The customer asked if that was my husband... we get that a lot. Nope, Ex-husband <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Our client whom XH seemed a bit jealous of, was in today too - and he made a point to say goodbye to him all friendly-like as the customer was leaving. Too funny.

I wonder if he's given *any* thought to our talk, or did it just sail past him? Is he really past the point of ever wanting to come home, or is it brewing in the back of his mind that it's still an option? I wonder if he's thought about what life would be like if I wasn't here at all for him anymore? For a time it likely wouldn't have mattered when his GF was still here ... but what about now?

I'm more at peace with things than I have been for a while - I'm keeping busy both at work and at home and with the kids... so I'm not agonizing over it anymore - but I do wonder if he ponders it at all?

It almost seems like he's enjoying the knowledge about how I feel about him, and he's eating up what EN he's allowing me to fill, but he's still keeping it all at arm's length. It's not exactly cake-eating... he's not misleading me - but what he says and what he does seems to contradict itself still.

I'm trying to keep to that 180. I'm not as "personal" with him - I'm always cheerful, look my best and always positive with him, but I'm not going out of my way anymore to ask how his day was or anything like that. Not sure if this is good or bad - I posted a thread about tweaking that 180 but haven't had a lot of response. I could use some ideas...

Earlier somebody suggested I get some event tickets and sneak them to him - but others have suggested I go completely dark (or as dark as I can under the circumstances) - I'm not sure what, if anything I should be doing besides my own thing right now.

What say you?

JinGA

It is amazing how similar all are experiences are. We are all so far apart, but we have many of the same things in common. We know and have heard the same things that each one of us has, in one form or another. It is great to be here with people that understand and want to help.

Thanks,
-------
Rummi

You're right, Rummi - many of us have experienced similar things... and there is a lot of comfort in that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA