Nope. Not willing to go out with me.

You know what though...

I think I'm done.

Yeah I F'd up, I accept losing her because of MY actions, but this hurts to friggin' much! I think I just need to level with her and tell her I can't take it, its killing me and I really can't watch, and I of course can't be a friend to someone that I love with all my heart while they go out and dance with other guys til 2 in the morning. Its not healthy for me, nor would it be healthy for anyone.

I think I'm just done...

b:

Just stay firm, keep up with plan A, know that it will be harder for you since you were the WS, and drop the relationship discussions.

Don't keep telling her what you're doing 2 do "better" now.

Just do it.

Then let her do all the work if she continues 2 insist on a DV.

-ol' 2long

Well, "done" is somewhat relative. You still have kids together. At this point she is in the home. Does she have a place to go? I don't think you should leave the kids.

Your statements above are genuine, you aren't asking anything of her, you are sharing how you see the situation. Your words are similar to what jmw posted to you.

Hey B,

What's happening? Time for an undate.

Ace

Brutschm,

We're still waiting for that update! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hmm... an update...

Well, I was served with the D papers 7/20. She was watching the kids that day and brought them with her so the kids got to watch as my W's friend served their dad with divorce papers. She is quite the quality Mom now! Glad she found herself!

So, I am struggling in a way. My connection with God is a little weak as things get progressively worse for me and I don't understand Gods plan for me. As I mentioned earlier when she took me out to dinner on 7/11 and told me that she was still planning on filing for D, she laughed as I told her she hurt my feelings when she said that if I had any friends I'd be doing the same thing as she. She has laughed or smirked quite a few times as we are going through this and it really hurts. I know "not as much as being betrayed with an A..." I get it! I hate that she thinks this is all so funny. My old self wants to lash out at her and try to use DJs and AOs to bring her down to make myself feel better, and I admit I have slipped a few times, always quickly followed by an apology without further blame or LBs. But I am really trying to do better. I am struggling with the fact that I have to treat her with respect in the face of all of her hate and disrespect. I just want this to be over with quickly.

On top of this, today is one of her 4 days with the boys and she is going to a concert, so she asked her brother to watch the boys. She then asked me if I could drive to her brothers to drop them off (a two-hour round trip in rush hour traffic). Being a coward and unable to stand up for myself and not wanting to make her mad, I at first agreed. I quickly realized (within minutes) that I wasn't valuing myself, that I was allowing her to control me. So I called back and quickly said that "I know this may make you mad, but I can't take the boys to your brothers for you." She said ok, and that was the end of the call.

It escalated from that point into a text battle of Why can't I take the kids; It would be doing her brother a favor and not her; etc. So then her brother who's been a best friend for 15 years tells me if I won't bring the kids up to him that I can give him all of his stuff I have back and never talk to him again!

WTF!!!???

So, since my W can't even watch her boys for 4 days without making plans to go out, I somehow have to help her get the boys to a babysitter? Does she not understand what D is all about? As I've said and been told before, a husband would do that, and I'm either her husband, or nothing to her. And so now that I won't help her because she is going out, her brother is blaming me and is no longer my friend?!

Can anyone tell me what God is doing here? Because I have no f'ing clue!

So hence, I am struggling... Not a lot of friends, and the ones I do have seem to be dropping away. I'm now down to one or two close friends. (Lost just the one so far but out of 3, that's 33%, I'm a numbers guy...) I have this feeling of what is wrong with me that these people hate me so much? I know in my heart though that they are just selfish people (my W and her Bro) and now that I have come to a point of boundaries in my life (weak ones but still there) they are uncomfortable with this and lashing out.

I have been examining myself for the past 7 months and I firmly believe that I am a good person, despite the mistake I made.

Can anyone see any part in this I may have that I am missing?

Thanks guys and thanks for still being interested in me! You've never met me and still have a concern for me! Where do you live Ace? I may ride my new GSX-R out to whereever you are for a beer! :-)

Trying,
Brandon

rutschm

I hope I can be blunt with you-God isn't doing this. Your alien brained WW is choosing to do this. And her brother is siding with her. Some have noted on this site that when A's start, often blood is thicker than water. Sorry...

You need to know that this was never God's plan for you. God created M to be a covenant relationship. He ordained it. It is sacred in His eyes. But, He also gave us free will. He gave it to Adam and Eve. They had everything, but they chose to listen to the lies of the enemy. Even though God knew they would do this-He still let them choose because He wants us to choose to be in a relationship with Him.

The battle plan of the enemy is almost the same, every time. That's why the vets on this page can "predict" the reaction of a WS when the A is exposed, or when Plan A makes them confused, or when the darkness of Plan B starts.

Let's go back to the garden for a minute and see that plan:
1) the enemy twisted God's word ("Is it true that you can't eat from any of the the trees?")

2) Then, he introduced doubt into God's real character ("God said that because He is holding out on you")

3) Finally, he got them to think that they wouldn't pay the consequence for their disobedience and somehow they were "special" ("You won't die. God knows your eyes will be opened. You will be like Him".)

Now, let's look at WS's and compare the "plan" to them:

1) They twist God's word to say that God just wants them to be happy. They ignore the whole "Do not commit adultery and "I don't hear your prayers because you have broken your M covenant which I set up" (JT's very paraphrased version of Malachi 2).

2) They downplay the significance of the consequences. "Our kids will do better if I am happy." "Divorce doesn't hurt kids much." blahblahblah barf!

3) They believe that their sin is not sin but actually "special" (this is my soul mate-I never really loved you, I married you for the wrong reasons and this is THE ONE)
They think they are above the consequences so much that they throw hissy fits when they don't get their way, and spew fog speak in their fantasy land that everything should just work out for them.

God has seen this behavior from us since the beginning. Yet, He still chooses to love us and even sent His son to die so we could have that relationship with Him back.

So, please know that this is not God's will and He isn't making your WW or your BIL act like a$$&*^% to you.

But, He does have a plan. This is the hard part for us, but God saw this coming and He already had a plan in place to make things work together for good for you. It's not like He's up in heaven slapping His hand to His forehead going "I never saw that coming!"

If we lean on Him during those "valley of the shadow" times, He will show us His plan to make everything work together for good. It's holding on to His hand during that dark time that is so hard. You are in a dark time.

Hang on.

Hang on. This is going to be a bumpy ride. Your marriage isn't over until you give up. I would suggest documenting her lack of parenting including having you run them around on "her" days. Keep a journal and document every time she dumps them on you. The best way to keep her in the marriage is to win primary custody. Don't give in to her requests. Fight for everything that you can, and stall as long as you can. Do you live in a fault state? If you do, if you have had sex since your affair, she has no grounds to divorce you. Make it not worth her while to go through with the divorce. Anyone can file the papers, but not everyone can live with the consequences.

.

brutschm - I'm going to be very blunt here, take it as from someone who IS "old enough to be your father" (I have a 30 year old daughter so I AM old enough to be your father).

Your comment to Ace was TOTALLY inappropriate. Ace should cease all communication with you immediately. There was NOTHING "smiley faced" about offering to meet another woman on this site who is MARRIED and in her own recovery efforts. You crossed the line, bud.

I gave you a post some time ago to which you have not responded with one word, yet you claim to be a believer who is NOT acting like one.

Suffice it to say, we all make "judgments" about who to invest our own precious time in trying to help, but the immature are pretty much beyond any help.

All of this has been about what YOU want. You can't see that, I know, but it comes through loud and clear. Why do you think your wife would go from "maybe consider a divorce in a month or two," to serving you Divorce papers within ONE week of that statement?

There is a LOT you are leaving out in your posts, and your post to Ace has showm me that you are playing games and not serious about saving your marriage, much less about surrendering your life to Christ.

I wish you well, but you seem to be on self-destructive path.

Forever,

I apologize but I totally did not realize that Ace was a woman, let alone a married woman, in her own recovery. I truely thought 'Ace' was a guy! I guess that's my own sexist slant on the word 'Ace.' My bad. I wasn't in any way trying to pick up on someone here. TRUST ME, I don't want anything to do with another woman for a LONG time, if EVER! :-) Let's see... half my income to my soon-to-be-x-wife, then enter another relationship where half my remaining income could be given to that one... I DON'T THINK SO!


You're right. There is no way to possibly include everything that is happening in my life. I can only tell you what I feel are the important parts or I'd live on my keyboard, and not in the real world. I can only tell you that I believe I am not being immature, I am not only looking out for what I want, and just because my W was unclear of her intentions, doesn't mean that I did something to force the D issue.

I appreciate your comments, and just feel that you are misreading me which is unfortunate.

How did I miss that Ace was a woman??! Sorry Ace!... Maybe if I re-read your posts they will mean something different now!


B

Its working...we're in recovery...

Glad to hear that. Now keep reading all the information here on how to go on to a marriage that is much better than the one you had BEFORE.