My wife and i have been married for 2 years now and her step father feels the need to be verry condescending with me every time they have a family function.
this last time we were at a family reunion for her side of the family and he started in on me around a ton of people ive never met before wich for me was verry embarresing. even though i was told he was just joking around with me its getting old and it doesnt sound like he is.

i grew up in a house ware you were taught to respect people and help when you can. i dont ever joke around at sombody else's expense and i dont like to play games like that.

i thinki should confront him about this issue but my wife says not to . what should i do

the 2nd part to this is my wife. when she is at my rents house, frankly, she says some stupid crap. wich gets her in trouble. essentionally she has told my parients she was going to kill the dog and put my sister in jail for borrowing my car. and then she makes it out to be my parients fault when they bend over backwards to make her feel a part of the family and make her feel comfortable.

at the moment im so frustrated im not talking to my wife andi wanna punch somthing. divorce in my eyes is not an option.

what should i do

If it were me, the next time my wife's step father started acting like a jerk and insulting me in front of others, I'd simply speak up. "Geez, Harry, I'm sorry you feel that way about me. I'd be happy to talk to you about this privately." Then, turn and walk away. You show class, he looks like an idiot, and you save the others from witnessing any more of an embarassing situation.

If he manages to say it's just a joke before you walk away, you can turn and say calmly that you didn't take it as a joke, and you were hurt by it. Once again, you show class and disarm him with simple honesty. Plus, you aren't fighting with him. You're not blaming him or attacking him for being totally tacky, and you're not getting defensive. You will be the hero.

As for your wife, I don't know what to say there. She doesn't want your mother to make her feel at home? Isn't that odd? Maybe your wife feels threatened by your Ma and that leads her to be rude.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, GM...

Have you read all the articles available on this website? There are links to the right of your screen to Basic Concepts, Love Busters (LBs) and Most Important Emotional Needs (ENs) which are really helpful.

There are also the Four Rules of Marriage.

What I see is that both of you are not putting your marriage as your first priority...which is normal, since our FOO (family of origin) feels like our primal priority.

You were both attracted to each other because of who you are, which is part of the environment in which you were reared. Natural to have in-law issues. Part of working out your partnership is sharing what you think, feel, believe and perceive, including her FOO.

Hearing condenscension has two parts...yes, there are people who talk down to others...as GG said...and you call them on it. First, though, check your own stuff. You're half the communication. You may perceive this in a few people...when someone repeats themselves, speaks to you slowly...if you make their choices about you, then you'll easily perceive they are degrading you. They may not be. They may not feel heard, understood, acknowledged...or may be attempting to get you to believe, feel or think they way they do.

Your half is to discern what is going on. Can be tough. We react quickly to being dismissed, demeaned or talked down to...reasonable. Our emotions get up and our head gets clogged. So it makes our clarity not our strong point. GG's way of calling FIL (father-in-law) on his statements is you being honest and true. Just wanted you to check to see if this occurred also at work, with your wife, with others (including authority figures)...not that you'd be wrong...you'd be human.

Same for the way your wife acts with your FOO...half is hers, too.

We can only control our half.

Your choice to withdraw from your wife is damaging to your marriage. Are you punishing her? When you disconnect from your wife, you are attacking your marriage. No room to share, understand, acknowledge or act from love when you choose to do that.

Is your FOO more important than your marriage? If it is, please divorce because that's not a partnership...that's a convenience. Cherishing one another means you put your marriage, which has both of you, each half of the marriage, first...so that you will not choose your FOO over your partner...you will respect your own relatives to work out a respectful relationship with your wife...and her to do her half...not within your control. And she will respect you the same way. And neither of you choose to put anyone or anything before your marriage.

That's how marriages thrive.

Thank you for being brave and being here, posting...seems like you really do want to make your marriage works. I highly recommend getting Dr. Harley's books Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs. He has a lot of great advice.

You aren't alone.

LA