My husband and I are dealing with a 28 year old problem ( his sister). We have been married for 28 years. She has always been rude to me. She says very humiliating things. In the past my husband has always told me to ignore the things that she says. It has worked for the most part. He has never defended me against anything. She questions my parenting skills even though he and I work together on all decisions. She told me in a round about way what an awful person I was when my mother had to be put in a nursing home. She said that she would never do that to a family member. She has to compete with me for my husband's attention. If I have an ailment, hers has to be worse. She even scheduled a surgery at the same time as mine so that my husband could help take care of her and be away from me. She lives alone and is very independent but she wants her brother at her beck and call. The latest thing that she did that I found unforgiveable was that she would not let my ill sister use air conditioning in 100 degree weather. My sister moved in with her to help her out when her mom passed away. She turned on my sister and started being rude and mean to her. The last straw was when she took away the air conditioning. She also accused her of stealing things from the house. She later found the missing items in the house. I want to cut all contact with her but my husband still wants to help take care of her. He is caught in the middle and does not know what to do. We have talked about divorce because this woman is causing us so much distress. I keep telling him that his first priority is to me. He seems to understand but he still wants to take care of his sister. I know that I sound like the cheated on wife, that is how I feel. I did not mention most of the things that she has done, it would take a book to explain everything. My husband and I have gone to counseling, the counselor told him to set boundairies, he didn't like the counselors'advice so we quit going after 3 visits. Help, what do I do?

Well, you can set your own boundaries. I've got to run but will add more detail later. Your boundaries can be you personally have no contact with your sister in law.

There is more to the issue. I don't want him to have anything to do with her either because when he does she says nasty things about me and our daughters. He has agreed to stop seeing her and then I feel guilty from cutting him off from his family.

I'm thinking that just perhaps your sister in law has sucked you into this game. What if you just stopped playing? So, don't talk to her or tell her anything. She can't one up your ailments or achievements if she doesn't know what they are.

Check with your husband to make sure he's clear, then make plans. If your sister in law tries to get him to do something with her when you two have plans, be honest but don't play tug of war. You can say something simple like "It's important to me that we do such and such as planned." Start trying to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. So, if he needs to do somethign for his sister when you two had plans, say that you are uncomfortable canceling your plans. Offer something that would make you feel enthusiastic about changing them. Like he only spends 10 minutes with his sister to drop off groceries, and you push back dinner reservations for half an hour.

If he doesn't negotiate along the lines of POJA, and he does soemthing with his sister that makes you unhappy, tell him. "I felt abandonned when you broke our dinner engagement to visit your sister." "I felt frustrated when you didn't have time to fix our window." "I felt lonely when you spent Saturday away." You are sharing your feelings, givign him the information he needs to make educated choices. But, in these statements you aren't blaming his sister, or even suggesting he made the wrong choice.

You can't change his priorities. Threats and demands will only weaken your marriage. Get out of the power struggle. If that doesn't work after a reasonable period of time,share with him that his relationship with his sister is putting your marriage at risk. If you haven't been playing tug of war with your husband, he should be in a good frame of mind to hear that statement. Sort of "Oh, shoot, what have I done? I know my sister has been unreasonable and demanding, I can't let her destroy the best thing that ever happened in my life."

In other words, we want to make sure the prospect of losing you is much more scary and depressing than standing up to his sister and dealing with whatever manipulation she tries to pull. Enforcing boundaries is hard when you're not used to it.

Very good advice. Thank you so much. The last year has been the worst, I have tried the things that you mentioned except for the POJA. He does not seem to understand that I need to come first so I argue wiht him about it. Also I want to know everything that was said when he is with her, when he tells me, I get mad and aggravated and we start arguing. I know I need to find a way to work on myself to stop being so jealous and playing the games with her.

Boundaries are definitely important, and something I'm personally struggling with as well. Like a previous poster mentioned, they are difficult to establish if you aren't used to setting them, but the benefits are huge.

CC, Absolutely stop asking him what happens when he is with her. Have you read Plan A? It's the first step when there's infidelity involved. Depending how acrimonious your marriage has become, you may want to consider it.

The idea of Plan A is to change your behavior so that you are the most attracctive option, not the other person. If the OP has too tight a grip, eventually one moves to Plan B which is to cut off all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair ends. You may get to this point.

Plan A is important before Plan B. It creates an environment in which the spouse looks really good. You'll want this here.

The good news is this is a sister, not another woman. Her hold on your husband is entirely different, and chances are, your husband doesn't have a clue how you see the situation. He probably thinks that since it's his sister, your feelings of being rejected in favor of her are unreasonable. Since he's frightened of whatever manipulation your sister in law uses, he'll cow tow to her instead of acting like you're first.

Hopefully, calmly using the I feel structure will make it clear to him how you hurt when he acts like that. And hopefully, he'll start to change.

When he does stuff with his sister, what do you do? Is there something special you enjoy that you could do so that you don't feel so much as if you are getting the short end of the stick? Chores and such don't count. Movies, golf, shopping, painting.Whatever makes you happy.

I haven't read any of the topics. I was just so frustrated that I was looking for a place to start. Thanks to the advice that I have received, I now feel more relieved than I have in months and can begin to start working toward doing the right thing for me and my husband.

I know just how you feel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am very happy right now. I hope it lasts. My husband made the decision to let his sister go and focus on us. He stopped seeing her or taking her calls. She left town without letting him know about it after sending a messenger to our house to pick up some things that had been left. My husband seems content and I hope he really is because I am.

That's great, CC. How about finding a way to ask your husband if he's content with the situation? I think it's always good to double check and make sure resentment isn't brewing.

When he first thought about making the decision at the very beginning of all of this mess to cut his sister out of his life, I was very reluctant for him to do that because I didn't want resentment later on. However since he made the choice this time, the lines of communication have really opened up and he says that he is fine with his decision. I did suggest that we keep talking so that if he ever feels differently, he can tell me instead of having regrets. Thanks for all of the great advice.