Here I am again...

Things have been going smoothly lately, however my W is back on the dating websites.

She's chatting with other guys, infact she is targetting them. Her profile says seeking man for frienship talk bla bla bla

she did tell me the onther night that she joined another website and was laughing because she get so many phony messages from creepy guys...

her profile says she's married, seekling a male her age to talk/e-mail...

this makes me very uncomforatble, especially with out past..

Is it ever appropriate for a spouse/wife to be on a dating website, seeking other males to talk with??

she said the other night that she doesnt search for woman because she claims she just gets hounded by lesbains /sigh

This is a joke, right?

This needs to stop tonight if not sooner. This is unheard of and a deal breaker for a wife in a good relationship with no history of betrayal BUT to think a wayward wife is doing this in your house while attempting recovery? is preposturous.

langaan... please tell me that over the last year that you have grown balls enough to not ask a question where the answer would be obvious to a two year old. I mean to be very blunt about that since if you really need strangers on a forum to tell you that this behavior is never okay, you have bigger problems than what your wife is up to.
I see that she hasn't taken the kids and moved away as threatened.

TRANSLATION: I am looking for a man to have an affair with that will take me away from this boring life of mother and wife. I want to meet my soulmate. Oh, yea I am married and have it pretty good but I am just not happy for some reason I can't put my finger on and I so deserve to be happy. I know an affair made me happy and will again.

This would be one of those chair throwing, azz chewing, call the cops and file divorce meetings in my opinion. I would kick her to the curb without the children!! and tell her to go and find her soulmate online or at the local tavern.

I think the key words here are APPROPRIATE, WIFE, DATING and SEEKING.

Not hard to figure that one out.

Things are not going smoothly if your wife is on dating sites... You are asking if it's ever appropriate for a married person to be registered on DATING SITES? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I think the answer is obvious.

well i guess I know its inappropriate, just making sure I'm not overreacting? dont know

either way, as soon as I bring it up she is going to claim I am controlling her and all ****** is gonna break lose again.

we were doing so good, i thought.

she told me she joined the site, and that she gets messages etc...
i still have the program on her pc that i can use to see what she does, and she did have a 45 minute cnversation on messenger with one of the guys. he asked her if she was married and if she had kids, and she told him yes to both.

is she pre-excusing what she is doing because she knows i may be seeing it all?
why is she doing it if she knows theres a chance i can see it?

well, she does feel secluded where we live, and away from her family which is another problem...
shes also had 3 close friends that she has made here move away, and feels like theres no point making more cause they keep moving away. so i do feel her reason for being on this site is for attention/social...

that point is, it doesnt make it appropriate.

okay, it seems that you are falling for her lame excuses. Please do not say that you actually believe that dating sites are the only form of social networking your wife can come up with? She is on dating sites to meet men..period.
If you are looking for anyone to tell you that there is any reasonable explanation for a wayward wife to be on dating sites, you are probably wasting your time. Sorry to be so blunt but your wife is looking for her next OM.

Get out of your own fog and stop enabling her.

Hm...

...I think Marriage Builders is about 10 years old or so.

How's that for dating a website? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Langaan,

I don't have much to add except that I am sorry to see you are still questioning your own ability to judge right from wrong.

It is not respectful to you, and it is not in anyway protective of your marriage for her to be on dating sites. She could be on exercise sites, cooking sites, gardening sites...or marriage building sites for that matter and get her social needs met, as 2long said.

It's like she has the fact that she is "forced" to live away from her family and her mental disorder hanging over your head, and because of that you have to constantly question yourself and what is okay or not. Like she is special and the same rules don't apply to her and your marriage that even common sense dictates should.

She won't respect you or your marriage until you start respecting yourself and what you will and won't allow to go on in your marriage. Or how you will allow someone else to treat you.

If you can change this in yourself, I think you may begin to see some changes in her.

You say things have been going good. How so? Can you elaborate?

When I say things have been going good, i mean that in the past few months, there has been no online stuff (until now), we have had absolutely no arguing, I have been doing my best to reduce her stresses (bipolar), and she has been somewhat more affectionate and understanding.

things have just been all around good until this.

one thing, she has been chatting with a guy now for a few days that she met on this site. this guy is clearly trying to get somewhere with her. last night my Wife mentioned she got sunburn to him and he said "oh, do you need some lotion rubbed on that?" my wife didnt respond to that, infact there was a short pause and then he said he was sorry, he said he shouldnt have said that since he knows she is a married women. that and a couple other things make it obvious as to what hes after with her...

at any rate, if i bring this up, she will know that I can still see what she does and what she says to other people on her computer, and she will explode.

i realize i am forced to do this to keep my sanity, but how do i bring this up and be able to keep the focus on what she is doing without her focusing on my looking in her privacy...

That isn't privacy, it's secrecy.

I would venture to say that your marriage has been somewhat pleasant because your wife is on a dating site, and this has made her more pleasant than usual.



This is a cat and mouse game, Langaan. It is flirting on both parts where boundaries are being tested. This is where they start to get gradually moved.

Your wife is looking for an affair, make no mistake.

If you had good boundaries, this would be one of them. I will remove myself from an open marriage (which is what this is beginning to look like the beginnings of).

Dating sites ARE NOT OKAY. Just say that and if she gets ticked off, you got some major work to do in the respect dept, starting with self-respect.

Sorry Langaan, I know this has got to be eating you alive.

Lang,

I don't get the concept of this or what the question here is.

Unless you are in an open Marriage I would say a site dedicated to the introduction of people for relationships isn't ok.

All my single friends on dating sites have the purpose of hooking up in mind.

My male friends want SF usually and hey if the girl is cool and they can hang out a little too.

So is it ok for her to be on a DATING website? I would say no.

So you are on the controlling merry go round. You get to pick where you live she gets to pick everything else or you are controlling.

So you slide back and push your boundries further and furhter back.

Stand up and tell her it is not ok. She is married act that way.

I finally told my FWW when she kept flirting etc.

If you want to act single get single. I won't be around someone that disgracest themselves like that.

i looked and seen that they were cahtting again last night...
the guy is, as expected, making advances and testing the water...

one of the questions he had was "so what do you think of this website?"

my wifes response was "well its a little more than what I was looking for"

he said "what do you mean?"

she said "well, its a dating site, and I was really just looking for someone to talk to"

what are your thoughts on that? is she just being nieve?

Okay..... Do you really want to get deep here??? Then........

You sign onto the site as registered user with a screename. You start chatting her up, talking to her, meeting her need for communication as an anonymous guest. See how she reacts. If she truly is just looking for communication and your guys chat hours on end then great, start doing it face to face. If she pursues you in someway then you know why she's there. For what its worth I already know the answer and so do you if you stop kidding yourself.

Look she is not naive. She doesn't want to come off as the pursuer and a slut. She wants to be pursued and then give in.

The fact that when there is something missing in one of our lives, or an isue of some sort, the fact that I turn to websites such as Marraige Builders, and she turns to dating sites is really hard to swallow.

But I still dont know how to bring up the subject without her going on a tantrum about me invading her privacy. whether we here want to say it right or wrong doesnt matter, the fact is, if she goes of on a tantrum about the privacy, we wont be able to deal with the real issue.

to ****** with what she wants. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy by having an affair Lan. Now she wants to complain about you snooping on her while she visits dating sites and flirts with men. She has no respect for you and she is treating you like a piece of crap. You had better stand up for yourself before any remaining respect if gone on her side. She had the affair partly because she doesn't respect you. Stand up to her, get your dignity back and tell her that you will not sit by and watch her flirt with men on a dating site and then complain because you bring it up,. She can get her things and get the ****** out or she can act like a woman who wants to be married and have a family, get in church (plenty of people to talk to in small groups, sunday school, etc, plenty of WOMEN).

You'd better step up or she is going to be in her next affair. What would you do right now if you weren't afraid?