Lang,

Logically what do you think she is doing. Step outside of yourself for a minute.

You come to MB and you see your post. What would your first thought be. What would your advice be.

My first thought she is on a dating site she wants to date.

I could go on the internet right now and find hundreds of places to meet people and chat that aren't dating sites.

Heck I play Cribbage sometimes on pogo and chat with my opponent. We both have Cribbage in common.

Sometiems I play poker for fake money chat there too.

I go to MB and chat with people here.

In most cases it is fairly safe.

I mean your wife has to have some interst right. There are sites dedicated to almost everything with boards just like this.

Now you are worried that she is going to get mad that you found out she is looking for dates?

That is almost comical.

Hey Wife just to let you know, I know you have been chatting up men on dating site.

Hey Lang, how dare you snoop and find out I have been talking to other men behind your back on a dating website.

On what planet is that ok?

the things that I am afraid of are:

1 - losing her
2 - living with a spouse who I cannot trust
3 - not being able to say with any real certainty that I beleive I will be married to her in 10 years

what would I do if I wasnt afraid?

I would tell her the things you all have told me to say more or less.

why am I scared to death of losing a woman that treats me like crap anyways?

OK...here's my thought.

You've got a list of three things you're afraid of. Here's my take. If you condone her going onto a dating website and 'chatting' with anyone, I can garauntee without a single doubt in my mind that all three of those things will come to pass within the next year...probably more like six months.

If you step up, draw a line, explain to her WHY you're not comfortable with what she's doing, seek a qualified MC to back you up, and work on these issues instead, I'd give your marriage FAR FAR better odds of survival.

I'm not notorious for giving 2x4's around here...but <SMACK> wake the heck up man!!! There is NO WAY you could POSSIBLY think that this would be benificial to your marriage to allow this to go on?!?!?! You KNOW that already, or you wouldn't have posted. So now, instead of TALKING about it...DO SOMETHING about it!

<puts down 2x4> Now its up to you. You already know the answers...now you just need to do something about it!

To me it seems like you are a codependant enabler with conflict avoidence issues.

Go see an IC and find out what they think.

No way, no how would I tolerate my wife on a dating site.

No married person in the world would unless they were swingers.

I take it you guys are not and you are sitting here instead of confronting your FWW who you know sooner or later will take it to the next step.

She just phoned me to tell me her dentist apt for tomorrow is in the morning...

Asked me if I was busy today, I asked her if she was, etc...

Then after a short uncomfortable period of silence, she asked "are you upset with me about something?"
I said no, she said are you sure? I said yes.


I need to grow some *&^ damn balls

but either way, we all know when a spouse is lying about being upset, so she knows im upset.

langaan,

Your wife has openly admitted to talking to men on a dating site. You can address that issue.....without EVER revealing exactly how much you know....because really....all by itself....it's intolerable, risky, disrespectful and demeaning.

When you go home.....I want you to approach your wife and say this:

wife, remember today when you asked me if I was upset? Well I lied. I am upset. I'm hurt, confused and disappointed too. Married people who want to remain married, don't chat on dating sites. Fidelity and dating sites don't go together. I won't control you, nor do I want to be the chat police, but you need to understand that every minute you spend on other men, destroys a little bit of the love, trust and security in this marriage. I want to be married to you, but the natural consequence of seeking emotional intimacy with other people is that we lose intimacy and trust between us. I hope that you respect me, as well as yourself and our marriage enough....to seek friendship and communication on sites that don't revolve around finding dates. These are dating sites....not innocent friendships at all. The choice is yours, however, if you won't protect me....I will protect myself. Protecting myself will mean separating from the hurt and harm that inappropriate relationships do to me and our marriage. I know from all of my time researching successful marriages, that what you're doing is a fast track to infidelity and that our "friends" should ALSO be friends of our marriage. There are so many places to find friends besides the Internet, and even ON the Internet there are excellent places to find other women who share your interests. I understand that you're lonely, but I also know that if you'll invest the time and energy to make more appropriate friendships....it will strengthen rather than weaken our marriage. The decision is yours, but I thought it was important to be honest about how I feel so that you could have all the information you need to make that decision.

Then you touch her on the shoulder, smile....and walk away.

If she gets mad.....remain calm and confident.

langaan....you can't keep your marriage together if you won't define and defend your boundaries. This situation is INTOLERABLE and beyond what any self respecting person would allow in a marriage partner.

Good luck

thank you so much starfish, i am going to bas what i say on what you wrote, that is perfect!


one thing has changed, and excuse my language but now I am quite pissed off.

this is a message she received from a man 45 minnutes ago, and she has read it (has not replied)

keep in mind, I was at home this morning watching the daycare kids while my wife went to our 5 yr old daughters kindergarten graduation...

this is the message from the guy...

WOW...r u gorgeous....not trying to scare u , but I saw you at the kindergarten graduation...darn, I never even got a bingo...lol

That sucks chere....I'm so sorry....but it just demonstrates how important it is to address this NOW!

((((((((((langaan))))))))))

Imagine that the rest of us are at your back....because in spirit...we are. Don't cave in. Don't let fear keep you from doing what needs to be done.

well to add what you said that I should say to her, i also want to tell her that I saw that message and the fact that she has had this account for a week and there is guys sending her messages who see her in real life scares the crap outta me.

i also want to tell her that it bothers me that any man within 75 miles of this town that is on that website, SEES my wife at the top of the list Looking for a man to talk to!

Absolutely!!

My last comment on this thread although I will be praying for you Lan. I am sure you are a great guy who is scared of losing his wife and family.

BUT you can't let that fear paralyze you. If it does then you will lose everything all the same and still have all your bullets in your gun. No way to go out my friend. Use all of those bullets (figuratively speaking) to help your wife respect you by standing up and stating your boundaries about this mess and being married.

How is she justifying going to these dating sites to you? Does she tell you that she is "just looking for someone to talk to?" If she's just looking for someone to talk to, why doesn't she go to a parenting forum or a hobby forum and talk to other women? There's absolutely no excuse for her to be "looking for people to talk to" on a DATING site of all places!! There are so many forums out there on every subject known to man...why would a DATING SITE be her first choice?

BTW, is she doing this while you're home? If so, go and sit next to her and read over her shoulder ... and if she balks say that you are here to talk to her since she you know that she really needs someone to talk to and you want to be there for her to meet her needs!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

well here's how it went last night;

ME - "Do you realize that what you did would hurt me?"
HER - "No, why would it?"

ME _ "Even if you don't understand how or why it hurt me, I am telling you now that it did, so does that matter?"
HER - "Nope"
ME - "so thats it?"
HER - "Yup"

i left a cpl things out, but you get the picture.
unfortunately, i blew up and said its time to sell the house.

gah

her stubbrnness/defensivness is getting in the way of her realizing/accepting that what she did was wrong.

so i guess i have to decide if I am willing to tippy toe around her when she hurts ME for the rest of my life.

OK...that was NOT a discussion.

Dude...MAN UP ALREADY!!!

You've already been given tons of good advice on how to deal with this situation. You've been around for a bit, have seen lots of posts.

There is NOTHING anyone can do for you if you sit and do nothing.

I'm bowing out of this thread. If you decide that you want to fight and do something to save your marriage, you might get more help. But there's no point in wasting effort until you make that choice.

Good luck.

lan - as someone who used online sites to feed my sex addiction, all while keeping it from my wife. Let me tell you clearly - this is entirely unacceptable. If she doesn't see anything wrong with it, then that should be a major wake-up call to you.

I talked with her mom this morning,

she is convinced that my wife knows it is wrong, and knows it hurts me. she beleives my wife is just to upset and stubborn/defensive right now to deal with it.

she says she beleives theres nothing wrong with it, but deep down knows better.

owl, i tried to do what was suggested on this site, she just shut down and said she wanted to go to sleep.

langaan,

I suggest that you print out the post I sent to you about what to say.....and give it to her in a letter. Obviously, you aren't that comfortable in a face to face confrontation...AND you end up lovebusting when she doesn't respond as you'd like her to!! EEK!

Lang,

So she shut down. She won't talk.

I don't want to upset her. Blah Blah Blah.

Here is the wikipedia definition of a dating website


The direct perupse is to mee people with the possibility of a romantic or sexual relationship.

Hey dude if my FWW decided to do that and had your FWW's attitude I would either be out of my M or have my photo up on one too.

Heck goose and gander. Heck my friend uses adult friend finder and says he gets laid all the time.

Why not cut the crap and take some photo's of her an put em on there for her.

What do you think the guys intentions are on that site. To be friends with a married woman.

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

In no uncertain terms they want to boink your wife. Again they want to Boink your wife.

They will do or say anything they can to Boink her too.

So you keep letting her go there and then count the days until the next D Day my friend.

Oh and why does she need GUY friends? Why doesn't she go online and meet women to talk too.

So if I were you I would start perparing for the next D day becuase that is exactly what your actions are going to lead to.