And to me, this makes it a boundary issue and not a POJA issue.

I think I would simply remove the computer or cancel the internet subscription. Some here dissagree with getting rid of the computer, but I got rid of ours at home because my daughter was talking to strangers in a chat room. We missd the computer for awhile but now spend a lot more time on actually doing things.

You don't have to convince her that it is unacceptable and why. This is your boundary. "My wife will not visit dating sites while married to me"

This is about you Langaan, not her. There is a chance that she is testing you. Maybe this is her test to see if you will man up. Did you ever think of that?

Well said, weaver.

JinGA

Listen to Weaver...he's right on.

Hey, I'm a girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Whoops, I knew that.....Sometimes my fingers move faster than my old noggin.....

Sorry weaver you are a girl and a very smart one at that (me kissing tail, ha ha ha ha)....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks all, and here's how it it stands after last night..

Positives:

1 - She agrees that having her profile up on the dating site is dangerous, and said I can take it down (she cant figure out how to take it down herself)

2 - She agreed to stop talking to the guy she met on this site via MSN Messenger.

Negatives:

1 - She absolutely will not admit that talking with the OM is inappropriate/wrong. She said she will take it down because it hurts me, but also says it shouldnt hurt me and that maybe the problem is my insecurities.

2 - Remember the e-mail affair last year? the one where she was saying things such us "thinking of you" " miss your smile" etc... well, she again will not admit that that was wrong either. She says she admits lying about it was wrong, but the fact that she had no intentions of ever meeting the guy makes the flirting via email harmless and therefore NOT inappropriate or wrong!


I told her that the reason I dont trust her, the reason I have a keylogger on her pc is because of the fact that she feels her actions are not wrong and therefore how am I to beleive it wont happen again.
She said the thing last year was different, she said that our marraige wasnt exactly good at the time, and the guy last year seemed to be everything she wanted in me, and thats why she got caught up in it. I told her i already knew that, but that doesnt make it OK. Infact I asked her this question...

"If you dont feel what you did last year and what you are doing now is wrong, and you beleive that last years issue was caused by some emotional needs that I wasnt forfilling, how am I ever going to trust that you wont turn to another man in the future if we hit some rocky times in our marraige?
she didnt answer.

Anyways, my take on all of the above is this:

1 - she dang well knows it was wrong last year and this year, but is too stubborn to admit she is wrong.
2 - I told her that aslong as she beleives that, I will beleive that she is NOT a women i want to be married to and therefore we MUST deal with it.

my plan is to take a copy of the EN questionaiire and ask our counsellor to have us fill it out.

I plan to confirm my beleifs on appropriate behaviour with the counsellor, and ask him to discuss them openly with the both of us.

If after counselling I dont beleive she understands I will have no choice but to accept it or end it. accepting doesnt seem like an option.
or... just realize the fact that she does know it was wrong, and accept the fact that she is to stubborn to admit it. again, not acceptable anymore. I will NOT tippy toe around her anymore while my feelings are hurt and insecurities are created.

Take a survey. LOL.

When my FWS pulled that junk with me. I would say fine we can ask 100 people if they think what you did was wrong and we will go with what they say.

Put the survey anywhere and just ask the question. Is it acceptable for a married person to be on a dating website.


If the majority of people would say no then it porbably is wrong.

What would she say to your kids if their spouse were on a dating website?

YOu have a daughter right? So when your daughter grows up, if she called home and spoke to your wife and said. Mom, my Husband chats with other women online and then goes on dating sites. Would your wife opinion be well that's fine honey he isn't doing anything wrong.

She still is in the A state of mind, she is full of entitlement and your fear to put it on the line is what is causing her not to budge.

I will put it on th eline through the counsellling.

I will make it clear in front of her and the cousnellor that if she does not learn and start behaving like a married women, then the marraige will be over.

Use your "I" statements, and not the "she" or "you" statements Lang.

"I cannot remain married to a woman who dates or looks for dates while we are married"

"I cannot remain married to a woman who has no commitment to me or our marriage"

"I will not spend my life in fear that my wife will meet someone else and leave me"

"I will love, honor, cherish and be faithful to my wife all my days but I will not put up with this"

"It is not my insecurities that make this so unacceptable to me, it is the value I place on my marriage and my self-respect"

We have to use I statments when dealing with and setting boundaries.

It's all about you, and whether or not she honors those boundaries is up to her.

This is what Ark posted to Tomek this a.m. and I think it is spot on for you too. I was waiting to get her permission to repost here, but heck I can't wait forever. LOL

hey one quick question...

my wife asked me last night...

"if meeting a guy online, through any type of website bothers you, why doesn't it bother you when I go to the bar with my girlfrieds? The guys at the bar flirt just as much as the guys online."

i didnt have an answer...

My question is why doesn't it bother you?

If I had your wife, I would be long since divorced.

Flirting in any context is infidelity.

What is wrong with you?

she was asking me why I want to prevent her from talking with guys online, but am not trying to prevent her from going to the bar...

am I seriously supposed to tell her not to go to the bar??

Absolutely if she is going there to flirt.

Look. I'm sorry I even posted on your thread. It'll never happen again.

You are totally alien to me.

who said she goes to the bar to flirt?

Was she being hypothetical, or does she really go out to bars with her single friends? Or are they married friends?

IMO there's nothing wrong with a "Girls night out" or a "Guys night out" if it's on the up and up... however that statement by your wife calls a whole new can of worms into question.

If she is going to bars and flirting, then you have another problem to deal with.

Why is she married anyway? Sounds to me like she wants to be single.

I'm not asking that to be disrespectful - it just sounds like she's perfectly OK with behaving as if she's single - that's totally puzzling to me.

JinGA

She goes out to the bar about twice a year with a friend of hers. Her friend is not married, but her friend's boyfriend works at the bar.

So her comment was meant to poke you in the eye with a sharp stick?

JinGA

probably

she will do everything it takes to avoid having to admit she is wrong.
that includes hurting me, committing every love buster in teh book etc...