WHY don't WS's just leave the BS and be done with it? Why do they keep us hanging on when being with the A partner is obviously preferable? I don't get it. They treat us like crap, don't really want to be with us, lie like who know's what, spend money like they have it, and then come home and act as though this is all our fault.

Why don't they just leave to go with the OP? Yes, I've read the books, and I know that we provide some EN (or have at some point). I don't know about the rest of you, but hard as I've tried, I don't think that I've provided any EN because he won't let me. Can someone comment? I'm confused about this....

"just in case"

Knitgirl,

Good question, one that I've ask myself a thousand times. Right after D Day my WW told me she was moving out. I was so shocked and confused at the time, I begged her to not go. That may have been a huge mistake. She stayed. After a few weeks of her treating me crappy when she was home, I ask her to leave. Guess what?, she refused. The only way I will ever get her out of the house is file for D, have her sign the house over to me and throw her out. Sometimes I think they are sadistic and just like tormenting us.

Knitgirl,

I say because both BS and OM meet 'SOME' needs.

I am hurting just like yourself -- for some WW, they will connect with anyone who will meet their EN if they are 'starved enough'. This was the case with my WW.

Also if some WW's come to grips with what they have done, it would be hard for them to look within themselves. My WW has now been lied to by OM -- wonder how this makes her feel? Embarrassed? Used?


Right now, I am doing plan A while the A is still going on.

I feel used at times.

I feel like a total stranger to my WW -- I now have to reconnect with her as if I am dating her for the first time all over again.

She definitely does not want to leave me and the kids, our home, the 'domestic, financial support' she receives.

Cake-eating is not an option though.

"EGG ZAK LEE"!!! (To quote some strange chick-a-dee on this site! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

A lot of waywards even realize this themselves and will actually tell the BS that they need to go "see if things are gonna work"! Like that's an option in marriage...SHEESH!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> They gave up that option and made their choice when they said "I DO"...DUH!!!

Mrs. W

Yep! I've quoted this on the WS stupidest comments thread, but I'll repost it here.

My wife used nearly that exact same phrase to me when she was ranting about how I'd "RUINED EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE!". She said "Why couldn't you have just let me gone to meet OM and see if what we had was real in person?!?! If it wasn't, I would have come back to you!!!"

It was amazing. I just stood there gaping like a fish, because there was simply no way I could believe that she couldn't see the sheer stupidity of that statement.

But there ya go.

So we're saying Just in Case it doesn't work out with the OP? How long are they going to wait to find that out?

Swade88, I'm with you. I feel like my WH is a total stranger. Mine had the A while on a long term assignment out of state, so I ended up calling the OP, but in the end, I felt like the OP!! She know things that I didn't know after 32 years of marriage. I think that you get to the point where you aren't sure you want to recover.

Journeyer, I believe that you have children which probably does keep them longer, but mine is grown and out of the house so I don't know why he stays....

Anyway, I would think that after 1.5 years of this A he would know which one of us he wants to be with. From my POV, it looks like her, but I don't understand why he stays.

Ready to pull hair out....

It sounds to me as if you are about done with WH and his crap. If you still want to be married and still harbor any love for this man you may need to be in Plan B if you are not.

cake eating and having the best of both worlds. i was not filling an en's for my ex. he slept on the couch, we did nothing together, i had put on a bunch of weight so i wasn't attractive to him anymore, etc etc...

why didn't he just leave? why did i have to throw him out in order to get him to leave?

only answer i have is because i still made his dinners and lunches. it was a comfortable existance. as long as he lived here he didn't have to pay child support. he could come and go as he pleased, be with whomever he wanted, etc, but not have to commit to any of them. he had the best of both worlds.

mlhb

Kg,

I used to wonder about the same thing. Why didn't she just leave? When she gave me the line about "I've been unhappy for years..." I actually asked her "Why the he** are you still here?"

But of course, even a WS seems to know that if he/she will do it with you, he/she will do it to you. The truth is, in my W's case, she knew that OM was not a prize and even knew that I cared more for her than he ever could.

The truth is probably that the WS really knows that there is not much chance of a future with OP and doesn't even believe the things they are saying to justify the A. If they really didn't want to be married, they would file for divorce, but they apply the first rule of wing-walking to the decision. (First rule of wing-walking = "Never let go of what you've got hold of till you've got hold of something else.")

But that's JMO.

Mark

HopeandPray,

Yes, I have my letter ready. I didn't find out about the A until 6 months ago and I have been Plan Aing my petutti off, but after finding out two weeks ago that he didn't end it afterall, I'm ready for B. He gets the letter tomorrow.

So we're saying Just in Case it doesn't work out with the OP? How long are they going to wait to find that out?

No..the question is ...How long are YOU going to wait to find that out?

YOU have an option...you can start making the decisions ya know.

So many BS act like they have no choice in all of this. They have choices...the choice they want might not be the one available so you make other ones.

So...why are you waiting?

committed

It's not a question of how long HE is going to wait.

It's a question of how long YOU are going to wait.

Why are you leaving the decision up to him?


You have made the mistake that so many BS make.

He's not trying to choose "which one of you he wants to be with."

He wants BOTH of you.

BOTH of you

BOTH of you

and as long as you're willing to remain dangling on the string, that's exactly what he's got.

That's why HE will NEVER make a decision. If you're waiting for that, you'll be waiting for the rest of your natural life.
Mulan

I'd once asked my FWW why she didn't leave. She replied that the thought of leaving for the OM had never crossed her mind. Why would it? There's no way the OM in her case could provide her with the kind of lifestyle she's currently enjoying.

KG,

Six months of plan A with no positive results -- yes plan B 'Come on down!"

The WWs get comfortable -- time to shock them into reality!
You wanna play - ya gonna have to pay the price (whatever form this may be).

I am going into my 2nd month of plan A this week.

My WW keeps telling me:

'she's not leaving me or the kids'
'everything will be ok'
'I have nothing to worry about'
'trust me to handle this (closure)'

She does not realize that she 'is already gone!!!'

I just have her body in this house while her heart, mind, and soul belongs to OM. My WW got really angry when I told her (younger) OM wants a 'toy' to play with in her (i.e. no commitment to her).

Thanks all. I guess we all feel that Plan B is final - pushing them into the waiting arms of the OP. So we procrastinate hoping that they may just decide to give up the A and stay. As stated above, I have my B letter ready to deliver. Maybe they just want us to be the ones to finally pull the trigger, then they can blame the whole thing on us.

Who care's what they think.

Plan B is about YOU.

YOU matter.

Any REACTION, less than surrender, to Plan B is irrelevant

Mr. W

The purpose of Plan B is to remove YOUR PRECIOUS WOUNDED HEART

from ~their insanity~

Plan B is not to teach the WS jacks***

it is to PROTECT YOU dear dear Knitgirl

from the outrageous hurtful crapola an entitled WS feels they have the right to sling into your face

once you cross that B-boundary

you are left with some deafening silence

and for some, they can't deal without the drama

but YOU dear knitgirl ... I think you would welcome the non-drama

when is your PlanB-party gonna commence?

We'll celebrate your freedom from his chit

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

knitgirl ~

I posted to you over on the PlanA/PlanB forum, I think.

Sounds like your sitch is similar to mine ~ dday was last May; he swore up and down that there was NC for 10 months. Come to find out he was lying out his a**.

Straight to Plan B. Didn't even give it a second thought. Luckily for me I had been Plan A'ing my [censored] off anyways, for those 10 months.

[I did a major exposure right before going into Plan B, though; have you done that? I had exposed last May, also, (but didn't know about MB so did only did a small-time exposure). Second time around was nuclear.].

Anyways, it was very hard and disconcerting to get INTO Plan B. Once I was there, however, it was fabulous!

I won't kid you, it takes some getting used to and I did a fair amount of freaking out. But the peace and comfort that comes with it is amazing.

Not to mention the clearing of the BS Fog that happens during Plan B (personally, I don't think we talk about that enough around here, on MB...but the BS does indeed go through some serious fog themselves; for me, it took going into Plan B for me to see how screwed up my thinking had been ~ WHY I had thought it was ok for WH to dictate to ME how recovery should go; why I backed down on things like checking his laptop, his cellphone, insisting he delete his myspace account (where he had contacted an ex-girlfriend through!!!), and a host of other asinine things).

It was removing myself from the crazy chit of his affair-world, (you know, the one where YOU are told that you are crazy, unreasonable, a lunatic, controlling, jealous...yadayadayada) that I was able to really *see* what was going on around me, and what I had lowered myself to.

Plan B spit me right out of that craziness and shined a different light on the spineless creature I had become.

Plan B is a saving grace. IMVO, that is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Knitgirl

YOU have a support group here