OK, I've got to get the wording finished TODAY. He just called and is picking up DS3 for a 12 hr drive tomorrow to visit his grandmother and other family. I want grandma to know before he gets there tomorrow so he has a very UNCOMFORTABLE week!!!

I am adding these words that my lawyer had put in papers..."

"My husband, has been having an open and notorious adulterous affair with ____________. "

I think that sounds a tad bit more heinous. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've added the entire text above. I know it's slow here on weekends, but I'd LOVE feedback on my draft.

THANKS!!!!!

I worry about him driving with my child when someone calls to inform him that his W has exposed his little secret. I've so got to review the responses from MB as to how to handle them (calmly I know). At least he'll be several states away at that point, just with my son <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He was very pleasant on the phone. I was as well. It's going to be rough in the morning when he comes to get DS before he leaves. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

PLEASE PRAY FOR US!!!!!

Don't put those words in the letters. You don't want to sound heinous or like a lawyer, you want to sound compassionate and sympathetic.

As for what to say, just tell him you feel that you have been packed into a corner and are just doing what you feel is necessary to save your marriage and your family. Tell him that you are still going to fight regardless of what he says or feels because you think it is the right thing to do. You tell him that you are under no obligation to keep his dirty little secrets a secret, and if he didn't want people to know about his affair, he shouldn't have had one. That would be all that I would discuss about it, and if he wouldn't let it go or continued to verbally abuse you, I would tell him that you aren't going to tolerate his angry rants and abuse, and hang up if he continues.

The key is to expose to everyone quickly before he has a chance to spin his story so that others are unwilling to believe what you say. Don't tip off that you are about to expose, just do it in one swift motion and let him deal with the consequences.

OK, so I was a tad surprised. WH gave me back the LB quiz...I had filled some of it out and asked him to finish it for me. I said something about me working on some personal issues, etc and wanted his feedback. Thanks EPH for the idea.

So, here are his answers. I'm not really surprised by any of them.

1. Selfish Demands, unhappiness 5, once a week. Gets upset when my activities are outside the house. Started after we started dating. Increased. Recent events are the same as past, just different circumstances.

2. Disrespectful judgements. unhappiness 5, once a day. (I put.. nagging, always thinking is right about somehting being said or not said in the past) unaccepting of personal or professional growth. Disproval of friends / family. Form that causes greatest unhappiness, personal / professional growth. Started when we began dating. Increased in frequency. Much more passive-aggressivve.

3. Angry outbursts, unhappiness 4. 2 times a day. Forms of outbursts (I put, not really angry outbursts but huffing about something I want to do.) Rudeness to friends / family. Making me feel like a bad husband / father when she is unhappy. Form that causes greatest unhappiness, felling like a bad father. STarted 1 year into marriage. Has increased. Recent "outbursts" became extremely hurtful.

4. Dishonesty, unhappiness 5 1 time a day. Being passive / aggressive to show displeasure. Using DS as a way to get what she wants (more time at home). Expecting me to read her mind about why she's upset. Form that causes the greatest unhappiness, passive / aggressivness. This comes out in a "I'll show him" attitude about daily activities, house work, physical relations etc. Don't recall 1st time. Steadily increasing.

5. Annoying habits, unhappiness 1, 1 time a week. We all have annoying habits, nothing specific. He had nothing to say here.

6. Independent behavior, unhappiness 5, 0 times a year. Forms of independent behavior, the opposite is true. No independant behavior, no outside activities or personal growth. Form that causes greatest unhappiness, lack of independance. Started 1st year of marriage. Has steadily increased until no time was spent outside the home except for work and shopping.

How he ranks his LB...
1 - Unsupportive behavior (work, personal growh)
2 - Selfish Demands
3 - Independent Behavior
4 - Disprespectful judgements
5 - Angry Outbursts
6 - Dishonesty


OK, so I need some analysis here please!! I'm not surprised by the answers. Some of these things I know i need to work on, but in my defence, the reason I do / don't do some of these things is because of my needs. I need / want him home, don't want him ALWAYS out doing his own thing. I've never had the opportunity to have him home to actually WANT him to go do things. True, I've never really had any friends and that's been part of the problem. Now I'm trying to make lots of Christian friends that I'm having fun with. I was out with some till midnight last night. Things are better now. He just doesn't realize that I wanted him here to be my HUSBAND. Regardless of my feelings he still went out & did what he wanted to do.

After we had DS, of course I couldn't even go out if I wanted to. We have no family here and he was always gone. When he WAS home I wanted us to be together as a family. I felt guilty when I did go do things when he was home.

Reading his responses even more solidifies my opinion that these things are fixable! With a good Christian counselor we can work through these issues. He can realize why I need / want him home, he'll want to meet my ENs & I'll realize that he needs / wants to do things on his own. These are just typical relationship issues.

Tell me why, if he was so "miserable" for 13 years, why did he pick now to leave? After we have a son that we desperatly wanted.

True, in the past I was unaccepting of his friends. They mainly want to hang out at the bar & drink / smoke. NOT my thing!!! He forgets that more times than I can count did we have them over and we went to their houses, played games, had fun. I am no more unaccepting of his family than he is of mine. His mother annoys the crap out of me and vica versa. He's not even around when his family would come visit. Always got something to do. Dealing with those "personal goals" he had for himself. Now, granted I wasn't there ever single day patting him on the back pushing him out the door, but I have been there supporting him in personal AND professional accomplishments. He's just burying that! I'm sorry, but I had not learned a lot about relationships and that God wants you to show love, encouragement to someone even if you don't think they deserve it. These are things I'm having to work on too.

So, today at church I ran into WH's coworker & his wife. The wife is someone that told me months ago to take him for everying, show no mercy. He is saying he wants joint custody to pay less child support and was keeping his "relationship" secret till the divorce is over to hang onto as much as he can. UGGG...typical WH!!! Anyway, she told me that her hubby had said that WH & OW had apparently gone on a trip to FL around Spring Break. UGGG. PUKE!!!

Had to see him today. He's got a full beard (SO out of character for him). He started growing it before he left. He is just hiding behind it! It's starting to drive me nuts! He so looks like a homeless man.

I also noticed a large scrape at his elbow & asked what that was. He said he fell off his bike. I told him I was sorry.

I don't recall him falling off his bike any or at least a few times when he lived at home. Since he left, it's been a lot. I keep saying that God is pushing him off his bike & wondering when he'll realize it!

Dont' remember if I posted that I called his grandmother & informed her before he got to visit her, the real reason he left. I can't see as of yet that anything was said on her part.

I got a letter from my lawyer where he was asking his lawyer to name a mediator. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

how closely did your ranking of LBs match his?

It was pretty close! It upsets me that his main thing is me not wanting his "personal or professional" growth. The thing is, that "personal growth" kept him away from the house so much. We couldn't work on the marriage. Resentment has been there for so long.

Part of my problem is with these accomplishements, I did brag about him to others more than I did to him. My dad did tell him that I bragged about him all the time. He wanted to know why I never did to him. Well, I can see that, that is something I need to work on.

Six years ago I moved away from my family & everything I've ever known to move a state away for his job. It has turned out to be a very good move. I love this area. Wouldn't know EPH if we hadn't <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

He just didn't SEE the times I was doing that.

So much of this is so easily fixed / worked on with a counselor. He feels I'm sure because it's been so long (our 13th anniversary is next Monday), that it's hopeless, that he's "tried", etc. BULL!!! This is a perfect time to "fix" our marriage. Put God back where He belongs, raise our son how we should. He feels if he's not out "living", he's gonna miss out & die not accomplishing anything. Well, at his age, he's accomplished so much!!! I guess he's not that thankful for it!

Anyway, enough rambling for the moment.

They all like to make excuses and run when their little dirty secrets get found out. That is just the way it is.

Also, until he's ready to please God, it will be futile. I'm sure he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong.

Thankfully, from his "friends" I've heard several times that they also think he's "selfish"!! So, it's not just me!

Thing is, I'm still here willing to fix it. Work on things. Everyone I talk to says I'm stronger than they are, they would've given up a long time ago.

So, here's to strength for the next step!

Bump for Kiliki.

She is getting some poop in the fan from her recent exposure to ILs.

Of course she is. Know this Kiliki, IL's are often of no visible or real help and more times than not are willing to overlook anything the wayward is doing even hurting their own Grandchildren. Reason is fear of losing the wayward as son/daughter or having to look in the mirror and wonder what they did/did not do to cause wayward to become this monster. Easier to just jump on the bandwagon and blame you and tell wayward to do what makes them happy.

There are some (my parents would have been this way) that kick the waywards to the curb and side with the BS no matter that the wayward is their own flesh and blood.

Don't worry too much about it either way.

The good news is that the more pissed off they are, the more effective exposure is a a weapon against their affair. They'll calm down.

Can I just skip to Plan B???? I feel like I am about to die at this moment.

I'm sure this will not make much sense. I'll try to remember most of what was said, I'm sure I'll ramble.

OK, so with my plan for Exposure...I called WH's grandmother last week to inform her of the real reason WH left US. I told her about OW and that I wanted my marriage fixed. All the things about getting back with God, doing what's right, fixing things, how he's not lived up to his end of being a good husband. She agrees with everything. He's living in a dilusional world or something. She's happy I've found a church, etc. Gotten back to God. He was visiting with DS for a week. Grandma said she wouldn't bring it up, but she'd try to do what she could.

Before he left I put the Love Buster Questionaire in DS's bag. He did fill it out, see post above about that.

I'm preparing for the battle that is Exposure. I finally called "mommy" last night. We've not spoken since 1/1/07. She got hurt feelings about me acting like I didn't want her to see DS. Well, that's a whole different story. It took a lot of guts on my part to call her. I told her I just needed to let her know the real reason he left the FAMILY before it gets spun out of control & twisted. I told her about the A, that I didn't know how long it was going on, but I have solid proof. Basically what's in an above post in the letter. She did what I expected. She was kinda quiet said she didn't know what to say. She was sorry. She's missed me, loves me, yada yada. Anyway, I rambled on too much, but wanted her to know how I was feeling and that I wanted my family back. I am still taking blame for part of it. She agrees that it takes two to tango. She knows he's at fault too.

Anyway, enough about that. I was out with some friends tonight & WH sent me a text message asking to call when got home so he could talk to DS. I ignored that. He had left a message at home. I was about to put DS to bed & the phone rang. STUPID STUPID me, answered. He talked to DS for a few minutes then asked if we could talk. I said, "about what?". "we just need to talk." OK, so I got roped into the "relationship" talk. I know...STUPID STUPID STUPID...

Here's where the rambling starts. So much floating in my head, I can't remember everything that was said & in what order.

He said that his mother is afraid I'm going to do something to hurt him. I'm like, "hurt you??". He said, I don't know what she means. I don't think she means physically. He said that I knew he'd eventually start seeing someone. I had some misinterpretation of when things happened, etc. I told him that made no difference to me! I asked him if we were still married!!! I didn't push that much farther than that. He said he wanted to know why I could talk to his mother and grandmother and not to him.

So, he's admitted the A & admitted that we're still married. I kept pushing the whole thing with the VOWS. I'm taking mine seriously. I have to face God one day & tell him I did everything I could. He thinks he's honoring his vows by taking care of me. WAnted me to feel bad for him living in some tiny apartment splitting rent with a roommate. Um, NOPE. Plus, he's probably spending most of his time at HER HOUSE.

He asked me what ideal was, or something to that effect. I told him (through tears of course) that it would be for my family to be together and for us to be walking the walk we needed to.

I told him he left the FAMILY. He said he did NOT leave the family, he left ME, not DS. I said, no, you left the FAMILY. No, I left you. Um, now that makes me feel real good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I was trying to push that home...he said that DS has two parents. That will not change.

He repeated everything he's ever said to me. He's been unhappy for YEARS, he's tried, we've tried, he's listened, I'll never change, he was physically dying inside before he left, I only talked about praying twice over the years, why start praying when there's problems, he's prayed for years, he's tried to re-arrange his schedule, he's supported me in anything I wanted to do, you are who you are (meaning everyone), 10 - 15 years from now we'll be in the same rut, we'll get into an argument and the past will be brought up, we never grew together, we've talked about this once / twice a year, no amount of his time is enough for me, you get the picture???

I asked him to not think about anything I've said / done, not said / not done over the years. Does he have any love for me. His answer was that I'm a part of his family, but that's it. The love's gone. That love bank is DRIED UP!! I'm afraid maybe too many years of withdrawals.

He didn't just wake up one day & decide this.

He went to a therapist last year. He brought that up. Yes, I know. (secular one at that). He said it was for personal reasons. Apparently one time in the past he mentioned to me about me talking to someone. Personal issues. We're both on anxiety meds. I apparently told him I wasn't crazy & didn't need to talk to anyone. Well, there' s a chance I said that. Who knows. I keep bringing up counseling...that's when he brought this up. "why now?".

We're in the middle of this conversation and I'm so feeling like I'm gonna PUKE! And start hyperventolating. I know...didn't handle it very well!

He thanked me for talking to him and that we need to talk again. Doesn't have to be in person. I asked if he'd be willing to talk in a pastor's office. He said he'd rather just the two of us, well, of course, so he can control the situation. He always makes it sound like he wants to talk about DS. How much am I supposed to share about DS. As far as daily activities, etc. He has taken up wearing his halloween costume from last year. I did mention that the other day. He asked me to send him some pics. I did email this morning. He thanked me.

Anyway, it's 1am here. I'm exhausted. He has really drained me! I need a supercharge!!!

I know I'm not exactly following the plan to a T. I know I probably really screwed up tonight. Does anyone see ANY hope? Do I just leave the backdoor cracked in case he comes to his senses and push forward with my life. So, now he does know I want the family restored, that I love him. I'm done with that.

Oh, I did tell him I was sorry for wasting 15 years of his life. He said they were not a waste, we have DS.

I know I'm in a downward spiral right now. Just need to know if there's any hope.

I'm about to send the above message (several posts up) out to everyone else.

I've still got tons of questions. even if he does come to his senses and wants to work on things, will he allow God back into his heart and WANT to do what should be done? Be the spiritual leader of the family, want to spend time with the family? I can't take him back as/is. I don't think & pray I'm not what I was.

He fully believes that people can't change. You are what you are. He just has in his mind that I'll turn back to the same person I was. OK, WHATEVER. I've put God back where he belongs. With the continued support from lots of friends & good influences I can keep it that way! I told him that the world is not getting any better. I'm not going to spend eternity in ******.

Well, I know that's a lot to absorb. I hope it makes sense.

Thanks to everyone responding!!!

That went better than most.

I think you did pretty well, all things considering. You drove home the point that he is leaving the family, not you. Try not to get sucked into these conversations, but if you do, I would say that DS is your son, and you do not want to give him up any more than you are required to by law. You also want to raise your DS to know that he shouldn't abandon his family one day. Your DS needs a full-time dad, not an every other weekend dad. It would be a shame that if you do get divorced that the next man you would marry would be more of a father figure than his own father. Is that what he wants? You aren't even going to do that to him, he is doing that to himself.

Other than that, calm down and let exposure do it's trick. You also need to expose to his employer and OW's family. Start putting pressure on that side. If she dumps him because she deems him not worth all the drama, I bet he'll come back.

Thanks Jim.

It's good to know it didn't go "too" bad. I tried to stay calm & have the right words for him. I couldn't stop the tears though.

I'm sure he won't agree to talk with someone else because he KNOWS he'll just put me in a corner & I'm not very good with defending myself. Someone else may point a finger at him.

The thing about him being a father...he's "trying" in his mind. He's trying to have a lot of time with DS, trying to be there, of course he's telling me I'm hindering that. I'm just not going to let him do whatever he wants because he's "trying" to look like super dad. Granted, he's not abusive (thank God), physically or verbally, but he wasn't ever here as a father / husband should have been. He's convinced himself this is the right thing. He's been miserable forever. I know, as I type this I realize it's the FOG, total WS speak, right??? He's doing nothing but looking at the past. The last line of my devotional last night stated, "You cannot change what happened in the past, neither can I. What you can change is what you do in the future."

Anyway, enough rambling. I'll do my best to stay strong. I just need constant encouragment from everyone. I've got nothing but family / friends telling me it's time to move one. He's done. Stop hurting myself. I've got to get peace with God if it's even worth the fight.

Here's to a better day!

He's tried to say he's not leaving DS, he's trying to spend time with him, trying to keep things as normal as possible, etc.

Not sure if I mentioned it or not, but he said he didn't like having him away from me for an entire week or even for a weekend. Well, then, DON'T!!! He keeps wanting to do what's best for DS. A judge doesn't need to decide, we as his parents know what he needs. Well, I know he needs a mother and a father living under the same roof.

He's upset that he's tried to have him when I needed / wanted to do something. I need him to be a father, not a babysitter!

He's said before, after reading a book on kids & divorce that he's realized it's not about the quantity of time with him or # of nights, but the quality. Does that "quality" include taking him places with HER and her boys? I can guarantee you he pawns him off on someone at least part of the time he has him. I'm sure he loved grandma taking him to VBS last week everyday.

Anyway, more rambling here.

What does everyone else think? Is this still true WS Fog talk?

OK, so I had a long talk tonight with an old friend. Actually my 6th grade boyfriend. Yeah, weird I know. Anyway...he got me to thinking. I had completely pushed this in the back of my head...could part of WH's current issues / irrational thinking be because of his anti-depressents? He's had depression issues over the years. I can't look at him and say, "hey hon, why don't you go off your meds for a while & see if you want to come home, are willing to work on things". Made me think more about it too after he said when he was here he felt like he was physically dying. Just before he left.

HMMM, something to ponder.

OK, so it's "E-Day". I've expoesed to mom & grandma. You can see how that went from above.

Below is the final draft of the notice I'm sending out to everyone else. Please pray and wish me luck. I've been trying to collect all the responses I'll need for him when his backlash starts. My mantra will be..."like I told you honey, I've got to face God one day and tell him I did everything I could to honor my vows."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Family & Friends,

It is with deep sadness that I have to inform everyone of this. Some of you may be aware of this already and for others this may come as a great shock. Either way I am truly sorry to have to inform you of this.

My husband, has been having an affair with XXXXXXX. This has been going on for quite some time. They work together at xxxxxxxxx here in xxxxxxxxxxx. She is divorced with 2 boys. The day after Thanksgiving 2006, he decided that he would be happier leaving me and our 2 1/2 year old son . He has not been home since. He is seeking a divorce from me.

He will not agree to go to any counseling or do anything to try to fix this marriage. He is convinced we've done everything we could over the years. He has completely shut the door on us. He has unfairly made this decision on his own with no regards to what I or our son wants or needs.

As with any marriage, it hasn't always been a bed of roses. We may want everyone to think that, but who wants to admit there are problems in their marriage? We have NEVER searched out the perfect church (which I have since found), gone to marriage counseling, read any relationship books together, gone to any marriage seminars, and better yet, we have NEVER prayed together. I really hate admitting any of this, but it's just the way it is.

I have solid proof of the affair and there is no doubt it is going on, regardless of what he may tell anyone. He may say nothing went on until he left the house, but the fact is, we are STILL married. An even sadder part is that I also know this person. She has babysat my son and I was a guest in her home the day after my birthday last year. He has had our son around her and her 2 boys numerous times since he moved out. This has infuriated me.

As anyone can imagine, this came as a GREAT shock to me. July 23, 2007 will be our 13th wedding anniversary. God has greatly blessed us over these years. Even during this tragic time in my life, He is working hard on my life. I have re-dedicated my life to Him, joined an AMAZING church, been baptized (a new birthday!) and had DS dedicated into the church. I have surrounded myself with wonderful Christian friends. This has been the biggest blessing. I have put God back where He belongs in my life. I also vow to raise my son with God first and teach him to love God and follow him in his life.

In doing that, I am learning an awful lot about marriage and what God expects from it. Neither of us lived up to those expectations. I am praying I can have the chance to now do that.

I know you all love WH and probably do not believe what I am saying is true, but believe me, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, admit that my husband of almost 13 years is cheating on me, regardless of our current living arrangements. When we said our vows at that church alter in the sight of God, we were making a lifelong commitment to each other. At least, that's what I thought. "For Better or Worse".

Even through all this, I am standing firm for my marriage and I will do everything in my power to honor my wedding vows. My wedding rings are still on my finger, as WH is still my husband. When God marries two, we say, "until death do us part". As far as I can see, both of us are still breathing. I have to face God and tell him that I did everything I could to save my marriage.

You, as family and friends, I need lots of support and prayers at this time. I need your help to put pressure to stop this affair and have this family restored. DS is missing out on having a loving home with two parents. He is such a gift from God and he does not deserve this! I am sorry for my part in it. I love watching him grow. I hate having to deal with this terror when these should be extremely happy times. Creating family memories, traditions. These are the precious years of his life.

WH has his mind set that he will be happier without us and has closed that door.

Dear friends, I pray that God will speak to your heart to do the right thing and help me restore this family.

I know you are family and friends and you love WH. I love WH too, you don't stop loving him, just HATE the sin that he is inflicting on this family.

God is so good & I know why I am going through this. I pray that we can all learn from this and have faith in the future and let go of things that happened in the past. "You cannot change what happened in the past, neither can I. What you can change is what you do in the future."

Thank you for your support over these past several months and I pray that we will all have the continued support in the future. May God bless all of your relationships and your lives for eternity and I pray that not a single one of you will ever have to go through this.

Well, here is my first response. It came from his aunt...

Well - all I can say on this matter is I will pray for you and WH. It's obvious there are some serious issues here, but I'm sure both of you are hearing things from both sides. Right now it doesn't look like you will get
back together any time soon, but this didn't happen vernight and it won't get fixed overnight. (Off my soapbox, now.)

Write anytime you want to vent, to update, to anything and please send an occasional picture of DS (and you). I haven't spoken to WH at all and he has not contacted me. I do know he has talked with Mom (this is his grandmother, the one he visited last week) a bit (hmm, I find this interesting). I haven't even spoken to MIL (this is her sister, his mother) about this since she told us last November. (hmmmmmm, VERY interesting. She said she wasn't telling anyone, it's was none of her business. Well, she did tell her mother in Dec because we were supposed to visit).
Anything you want to say will stay with me.

We will be in xxxxxx (town with ILs - & my parents for that matter) for Thanksgiving and I hope to see all 3 of you then. (yeah, I'm sure this is NOT happening! This will be the anniversary of him leaving).

Keep in touch and I will pray for all of you,

Kiliki, I've been keeping up with your thread somewhat.

The response from his aunt wasn't too bad and it sounds like she's taking a neutral position. But that's okay. Expect some craziness from your WH as a result of all this but don't take it personally. From what I've seen they all react that way. It just means it's working.

One thing, no more relationship talk with WH. Have you read up on Plan A?

Your story touched me because it's similar to what happened to me. I just want to encourage you that your WH can turn around. If you read my story you'll see that God worked in a mighty way in an impossible situation. He can do the same in yours.

(((Kiliki)))

princessmeggy

Thank you so much for your response.

Yes, I've read up on Plan A. It's just so hard for me to absorb everything. I do need a lot of hand holding. I know they all do / say the same thigns. I am in need of the exact things to do / say. He's always been quick on his feet & knows the things to say & how to say them (to his benefit of course).

I've been a nervous wreck today. Just waiting on his rath. And my response.

I am a tad surprised I've not gotten any other responses. It didn't surprise me for his aunt to take the neutral road. I know it's hard with family. Just like his mother.

I'll have to try to catch up to your story. I'm trying to read a lot of stories.

I do know God can work miracles. I just don't know if WH can soften his heart and want to do what needs to be done. I just started reading HNHN. The thing about asking what each other's most important EN is, well, ours are totally opposite. I want him home more, he wants me to not want him home so much. Is there hope for that???

I know I'm to have no more relationship talk with him. He's gonna say, "I told you I don't feel the same about you, I told you we can't work things out, I told you there's too much past hurt, I know you won't ever change, or for good, you'll go back to your old self". WHATEVER...that's why we need accountability partners to keep us on the right track.

Anyway, I need all the hope & encouragement I can get to my specific situation.

THANKS!!!

Bumping for K.

She needs some guidance on dealing with her WH's requests to spend time with DS and how to do plan A type actions with that and what's the proper way to make WH feel consequences for his actions without using DS as a pawn so to speak.