This will be long so I'll make 2 posts. First 1/2 & second 1/2.

First off, Eph525 sent me here.

Here's my story. I know I may jump around a lot. I'll try to include all the facts. Forgive me up front...it will be long! Thanks to those that hang on. Remember, I'm a woman...I need DETAILS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WH and I have known "of" each other since Middle School. We started dating his last week of Senior year, my Jr. year. We dated for 2 years & were married in 1994. We were 19. I don't regret getting married young.

We did not put God first in our marriage. THAT I regret!! After a while we put sleeping in Sun morning at a higher priority.

He always had good jobs and we built our 1st house at the age of 21. We've driven nice cars and never really needed for anything. We've been truly blessed!

I can't say we have always been blissfully happy. He's always had friends, I've never had any. He enjoys spending time with friends & away from me, I yearned to spend all my time with him. (he was my DH after all).

We never really "fought". I'd just kinda huff & puff when he wanted to go out with friends. This was a cause for tension for a long time. I know part of the problem was that I didn't have any friends & nothing to do but sit & wait on my husband to come home. He would always act like he's asking my permission to go do something, "would you mind"...well, when it's ALL the time, yes I do mind. I couldn't give him a reason other than I wanted him around. He said he was not gonna be a _______ (I forget the word he used) sitting on the couch beside me.

Over the years we never tried hard to understand each other. We grew up from different types of families. My parents separated for a bit when I was 9. My dad's an alcoholic & wanted to be with his friends & not married. They're together now. He grew up with only his mom. He's never met his dad. She remarried when he was 16. So, we've not had the best role models of what a great marriage should be. To this day he will tell you that my parents are miserable and they should've divorced years ago.

He grew up in church, as did I, but our secular world just took over.

We tried for 4 years to get pregnant and after a move 3 hours away from our families to a wonderful job for him in a wonderful place God blessed us with the most precious gift. We now have a wonderful, beautiful 3 year old son.

One week after he was born, WH was back to his normal routine. He does a martial art and was back to that 2 nights a week and Sat mornings. He also had been running at the time and would do that as well. With no family or any real friends close by, I was a virtual single mom to a newborn very quickly.

He is a loving father and I know he loved me. He just seemed more interested in himself and his friends.

I had finally got fed up with it and in Aug 2006 I wrote him a letter stating that I felt his activities (martial art, cycling, poker nights, fight nights, movies, birthday dinners...u name it) were more important than me & DS3 (2 1/2 at the time). I told him that I knew there was resentment from both sides. We didn't appreciate each other. I apologized for not being the perfect wife. Thanked him for things I know I never thanked him for. The house stayed a mess because neither of us would get it done. I felt he was never home, he felt (I guess) that since I was home 1/2 the day I should get it done. Who knows. We never talked about it. I hated confrontation & he always threw things back at me about why I was wrong.

His response to me was nastiness through instant messenger 2 days later. He said it was the same complaint, different time. Now, it's just another set of friends. I want nothing more than 100% of his time and he can't give that to me. He's not getting any younger and he wants to have accomplishment to show. He did say me & DS were his best accomplishments. I've been an "obstacle" to him all these years. He's had to work extra hard to achieve these goals, whether through work, achieving his black belt, cycling, etc. I can honestly say that I've not totally encouraged it, because it took so much of his time away from us. I was there with joy when he got his black belt earlier last year. DS & I were the ONLY people there for him early on a Sat & Sun morning for his 1st bike races. His response, "where were you the 8 years leading up to it?". I understand as his wife I should've been more encouraging, but like my dad tells me, he never stepped up to be the husband God commissioned him to be.

I did tell him in the letter that I knew he wouldn't see it my way, but to just call a truce and I offered some suggestions on how to show appreciation for each other.

He told me that I could tell my lawyer & friends anything I wanted, but we both know the truth, I've never appreciated anything I've been given, I've never given back and I never encouraged him to do anything for himself (or something like that).

I can only recall once after 9/11/01 did he ask if I wanted to look for a church. I was still set in my secular ways and sleeping in on Sunday was easier. My dad is upset because him being the spiritual leader of the home should have insisted on it.

After the letter, things did not get any better. They kinda got worse in my opinion. We just went about our days. The nights he would come home (at a decent time, before DS3 went to bed) I wouldn't be happy to see him because of all the other times he wasn't home.

2nd Part....

The day after Thanksgiving 2006 he rolled over in bed & said, "Are you happy? I'm not, I haven't been in a very long time". Some of this is a blur so of course I can't quote verbatim, but basically he said he's had a long time to think about it, knows it wasn't fair, he thought about giving me an ultimatum to change, counseling, etc, but no, didn't think it would work. He's sorry he can't keep his promise to me, yada yada yada. I'm sure most of you have heard the same thing. He basically packed a bag and left.

Before he left I was on my knees to God asking for his help.

I was in much denial as most of us I'm sure. He was around a lot at first, I thought there would be some hope. He kept his ring on for a while. He wrote me a letter in Dec stating how he sees me turning to books & religion to make me someone I'm not, 6 months from now I'll be back to my old self, yada yada. We needed to get lawyers. He had decided I'd stay in the house, what bills each of us would pay, visitation with DS (which was more than he EVER saw him at home), etc. It shattered my world!!! I had told him that life's too short, meaning, let's work this out. He said, "yes, life is too short, that's what got me to this point." he said he was tired of working so hard at it.

I found myself in 2 support groups and quickly found the PERFECT church. Since then I've been baptized, become a member of the church and my DS has been dedicated. I've found lots of great friends. Unfortunately most of them are going through this horror as well.

As most of you, I was in complete denial that he was involved with anyone. Stupid me, actually believed when he said, "I know I don't have to tell you this, but I've never thought of, looked at or touched another woman". Cough..."bull-%$*&". My mom pegged it early on as to who it was. I finally had a friend (co-worker of the 2) tip me off. I pulled text records from his cell phone (he lived on it) and saw her # WAY more than I ever wanted to see. I had her number because I had an email from last year (the day after my birthday to be exact), for a girls night out. My DS had been saying her name when he'd come back from "visiting". I finally hired my PI and handed everything over to him. Her name, address, cell phone #, VIN & make of her mini van (HA...he HATES mini vans), picture of her (actually a group picture of us in front of my birthday cake), where they worked, who there friends were, where they hung out, etc. Obviously it didn't take long for him to have some info for me. GOTCHA...here we go. His little "no fault" (yes I live in one of those retched states) divorce just switched gears.

I've heard from others that he's around saying that he wants joint custody so he'll have to pay less child support, he wants to keep his "relationship" quiet till the divorce is over so he can hang on to as much $$ as he can. Well, what WS out there doesn't say these things? And apparently his mantra around work is "we just weren't growing together".

Early on I did everything but plead with him to come home. He was not having any of it. Asked, "why are you willing to change now?". He's never taken one ounce of blame for any problems in our marriage. Yes, I know, they never do! I've never once said since the day he walked out that I've been perfect & not at fault. I have my faults & like Gary Chapman suggests, I wrote these down for him & gave them to him. He "appreciated" them, but knows that in years to come, there will just be another list, another set of resentments, etc. WHATEVER....what planet do you live on dude??? This is called life!!!

So, I'm in the spot where he still has this total wall up and in his mind, it's completely over. I'm still hanging onto what I can. I'm learning a lot, getting closer to God and trying to be a better person. For me & DS!

WS has moments of niceness. I really can't tell if it's to keep me nice & not slam him in court, to hang onto $$, a lot of visitation, look like the perfect father, or if he's slowly starting to come around. I'm just so confused. I don't want to play into his GAMES if they are games! He calls here every 2-3 nights to "talk" to DS. Of course he's not interested in talking on the phone. again, not sure if he's trying to play "nice", keep his son from forgetting him or if he wants to hear my voice. DS has not mentioned OW's name in a while, so either he's finally keeping him away from her or she's finally dumped him.

I've not personally confronted him about OW. We had our first court hearing last Monday where I finally had a judge tell him he can't have our DS around her! I can't count how many times he's had DS around OW & her 2 boys.

I want a better life for DS & me. I'm thankful that God allowed this to happen. I would still be in the same rut. DS would not be exposed to church, I'd be spiraling down. I'm thankful I'm in the place I am. Now I just have to trust God in his timing and trust that things will be worked out whether it's with WS or he has someone better for me. I want someone that wants God 1st in our lives & our marriage and cherishes our family more than his activities & friends. I now have friends and hope I can keep them and we all have the same morals and values.

He said he was happy I found a church I liked. He knows how I liked it when we met. He's sorry he wasn't as "into it" as I was. We just never found the right one! The one I'm at is very contemporary. They have several bands. It's like going to a concert on Sun morning. I can't wait to get up each week!!! I look at the guitar players every week and say, "that could be him".

Before he left he started growing a beard (nothing he'd ever been able to do before). That should've clued me in. Now he just looks like a homeless man. I feel bad for him (in a way).

I've read so much, talked so much, prayed so much, yet I'm still confused. I know I need to get a PLAN down. I'm just SCARED! I'm always afraid I'll make the wrong move, say the wrong thing. But, what do I have to lose??? He's not here, he's filed for divorce.

He's also already said, "All I want is for you to be happy. One day you & I will both realize we did everything we could to be happy.". BOLOGNA!!!! He's the one that went to the therapist last year. note, I did not say Christian Counselor. I said, therapist. We have NEVER been to marriage counseling, Christian or otherwise. We've NEVER prayed together. We've NEVER gone on a marriage conference or anything else of the like. I know it's just in their "script". I will take it to my grave that we did NOTHING to make things work!

A lot of what I read about how to handle this seems to assume that WS is still living in the home. Mine left that day, I found out about OW later. He's already "done" with us. Ready to move on. I know there is nothing too great for God to handle, I know it CAN be fixed. Question is, WILL it and what is my role?

I'm currently reading Dr. Harley's stuff and about to get SAA, so I know a lot will be answered there. I just wanted to go ahead & get my story out there.

Thanks in advance and God Bless each one of you. Maybe we can be a part of reducing the ever increasing divorce rate in this country. It's HORRIBLE and was NEVER an option for me. I'm just now forced into it. In my state, we have "No Faults" and no Alienation of Affection laws anymore. The judges see it way too much and they're numb to it.

God help us all!!!

Hello, first of all, i'm sorry that you find yourself here! We can all relate to your pain!

E is a wonderful person and I'm glad that he directed you here...

How long do you think that the A has been going on? What are the two support groups that you are in? Dcare? Al-anon?

Once again, i'm sorry that you find yourself in this sitch!

Welcome. You are ahead of the game in that your husband has given you some things he did not like about the marriage. I would get very busy cleaning the house sparkling clean, and developing friendships and activities for YOU.

Start Plan A, and plan to stay there for at least 3 months, without seeing any effort or appreciation from him.

The other part of Plan A is exposure. Contact the HR at their work, and let them know that the adultery is breaking up your marriage and destroying a family and ask what they plan to do about it.

Affairs never last, and this one will end too. It will just take some time.

Thanks. I hate to find myself here as well! I'm just glad to find lots of people that can help and understand the pain I'm going through.

Yes, E is great! I wish all the best for him and that things will turn around for him as well!!

I did DivorceCare and a class on Gary Chapman's book "Hope for the Separated".

I'm not sure how long the A has been going on. Like I said, I wrote him a letter 8/06. He had me at her house 9/14/06. It's thought that becasue of his reaction to my letter that something was going on before 8/06. As a "blind" person trusting DH, I had no thoughts of anything going on. He was out a lot and of course I trusted him (because, isn't that what a spouse does??). I wasn't looking for signs. I'm sure they were there! I know the people he was with, etc, but she hung with that crowd also. She had a BF, but in the recent past they split (don't have the story on that). She did leave her marriage (time unknown) because she was "unhappy". Left 2 kids. Again, I don't know the details. Not sure how long her & BF were together. There's a good chance that ended & her A with my WH at the same time.

Believer, thanks for your input.

I am already starting with the "working on me" plan. I've got lots of friends now (sometimes I lose count), I'm not sitting at home moping anymore. Now I DO need to get cracking on the house. That's one thing I hate & can't get motivated, but I know I need to.

As far as his job...it's called "Divorce Central" around here. It's horrible there! I'm not sure what HR would do. I can't afford for him to lose his job, but yes, I know what you all will say, "I can't afford for him NOT". If that's what it'll take to restore this marriage.

His activities and accomplishments are so important to him. So important that he spends more time away doing them than with his family.

Now, of course he's trying for the "father of the year" award or something. Not sure if it's sincere or just the games they play.

Kiliki, Sorry you find yourself here with us.... but I am so glad to hear that you have gotten on God's path for you and your son.

As far as your quote above, of course he is playing games. He wants more custody than he deserves for a couple of reasons...one, the money he will not have to pay and two in order to as much as possible legitimize relationship with OW.

Exposure is your best tool to end the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy and fantasy. When shown the light of day it rears its head and all the ugliness shines through....

You will get great advice here, just as Eph has.

Thanks "hope".

He's playing the game, but my lawyer's gonna let him do it. The judge is gonna let him do it. He uses the "I just want to see him...remember, he's OURS, not YOURS" all the time.

The court systems are horrible. He's never been abusive, neglectful, or given me any reason to fear for our safety or anything else. There are worse cases out there so I'm afraid they'll just tell me, "well, he's trying, he's a good father, he deserves, yada yada". It's just another day at work for them. This is OUR lives here. That's why the whole thing of getting rid of the whole allienation of affection law was a BAD move. Until there are consequences of these actions, they will surely continue. This is such a throw away society.

I could sleep better had we EVER gone to ANY type of counseling & we both agreed it wouldn't work. We tried NOTHING!

I have heard that a lot of his friends (the ones he seemed to cherish so much) don't hang out with him anymore. I really think he's losing respect from a lot of them. I know I"m not anyone to judge, but they've got their own problems, I'm just glad they don't approve of his behavior. Not that he really cares anyway.

Part of the problem is that we've been married almost 13 years. His friends are not married / just married / married a few years / no kids / on the way...so they've not gotten out of the "ga ga" relationship yet. They've not experienced it. And the ONE person that got out of her unhappy marriage has pulled him into her trap.

I joined a church and was going to 2 different support groups. I did not throw this in his face, but if I needed to bring it up, I did. He told a friend that I was living in church. She told him that would be good for anyone. He hung his head and said, "I know, and it seems to be helping her a lot".

I have always been a complainer and griped about EVERYTHING! This is something I'm trying to work through. Hopefully he'll see that.

Okay K, you ignored part of my post that can help you if you truly want to stay married to this man. HAVE you exposed this affair with the OW? As long as he is having an affair he will not consider working on your marriage or reconciling. The destruction of most affairs starts with exposure.

I know your frustration about a "throw away" society then people wonder why the place is going to hades.

I find it interesting that you mention alienation of affection laws. What state do you live in? In my state (one of six, I think) it is still a law and as a matter of fact I am in the middle of suing OM right now.

Hang in there and stay strong for your son.

HOPE,

I have not personally exposed A other than to my family, friends, co-workers. Some of his co-workers have confronted or at least confirmed to me. I've not exposed to his mother or grandmother. That will be my next step. Especially since he is planning to take DS to see grandma 12 hours away in a few weeks. I know if he even admits to it that he'll say it only started AFTER he left. We all know at least the "thought" was there before. He would not have walked out the door had he not had someone to walk into with.

I am in SC...No AA law <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> We used to have it. I'd be ALL OVER IT!!!

And my bet is that if SHE were no longer an option suddenly your M and reconciliation may not look so bad.

Have you exposed to EVERYONE on OW's side husband/boyfriend, mother/father, close friends, church/pastor, grandmother/grandfather, siblings, boss/workpolace?

I'm just assuming this!


I don't know anyone but co-workers and I'm pretty sure they all know.

OK, let me add my .02


however just above you said


See what assumptions got you? When you assume something you make an A$$ of U and Me.

Therefore, you MUST assume the affair is on.


OK, you have to trust people here when they tell you things to do. These people have been/are in the trenches of this battle. Exposure works.


don't settle for pretty sure - know it 100%.

Tell his parents. When you tell his parents, let them know that you KNOW it has been going on since before he left. Inform HR and show them your proof and let them know that you want them to do something about it. Get the PI to find info on OW, and expose to OW's H or XH, OW's parents, anyone and everyone who she wouldn't want to know. Adultery is a nasty thing, and you need to get tough as well. I don't like the sound of your lawyer. If he isn't a bulldog in court, then find someone who is. Make sure that you make it as tough on your husband as possible. Go for full custody and as much money as possible. Introduce his infidelity on the record and get your lawyer to do depositions on your WH and OW under oath. Make it a matter of public record.

All the while, you need to suck it up and plan A. Meet his needs as much as you can for the next 2 months, then go to plan B. All the while you are in plan A you let him know that you believe this can be worked out and you are doing what you are doing to try and keep your family together. Don't be baited into any arguments.

In summary, you should use exposure for their workplace and to really put the pressure to OW. You want her to feel that everyone is looking at her like she's a giant ho-bag. You want her family scolding her for what she's doing. You want your lawyer to drain every last cent out of your WH if he continues down this path even if you don't see it. You want to be a sweet and nice as possible in your dealings with WH, but prepare for plan B.

Some more background of things he's said to me... (early on)

* After our phone call on Sunday, I'm a little worried that you might try and keep me from seeing DS. I know you're hurting and I'm sorry for that but he still needs to be with me on a regular basis and, even though its uncomfortable, I'm not willing to give that up. I really want to work something amicable out. I just hope we can remember that this is between you and I. DS still has two parents that love him very much and this shouldn't change that.

* Home is where he is loved, not where he sleeps. You aren’t his “primary caregiver”, you’re his mother and I’m his father and he needs us both equally. I don’t care about who gets what how often, I care about him having access to the both of us as much as he wants and needs.

* ME - I am and have always been his primary caregiver, not just his mother. Yes you are his father and I know you love him. However, in the past you haven't seemed to be interested in sharing time equally. From what you tell me, this is the root of our problems, me being unhappy when you're not around. He will have access to both of us. Stability is not going between two homes. How is that stable, when he's used to being here, then he goes to you and roommate. That's not good for any child. Stability is having two loving parents at home.

* HIM - The root of our problems isn’t you being unhappy when I’m not around. Its times like these where I come half way and you are unwilling to do more than the bare minimum to get by. I won’t accept the standard visitation schedule.

* ME - I'm a little confused as to why you're so interested in seeing so much of DS now. You never seemed too concerned when you were home. Has any of your activities changed that you can devote so much time to him now?

*HIM - I just want to make sure I’m understanding your concerns correctly:

* You don’t understand why I want to see him now when, in your estimation, I didn’t want to spend time with him before.
* You’re concerned about the environment he’ll be in when he’s with me
* You want to maintain his existing schedule, surroundings, and lifestyle.


Those are valid questions/concerns and I’m happy to discuss them. First, I don’t necessarily agree that I want to see him any more than I have in the past. In fact, I’m essentially asking for the same amount of time I had with him before just amended because there’s two of us who want time with him. On the weeks he’d be with me mostly, I’d see him on Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, and Sun. That’s exactly the schedule I’d been keeping with him before I left. Granted there were short periods where I’d be away but, for the most part, I was home for dinner and to put him to bed. I was home on the weekends and I got him ready for school most mornings. I don’t think what I’m asking for is any different than that. To answer your question, no, my schedule hasn’t changed a bit. Aikido on Mon, bowling late Tues. a drink after work on Wed. (which I’ll gladly give up, and have been, to get him) nothing Thurs or Fri, bike ride Sat. morning, nothing Sun. Same schedule as always.

(he's leaving things out of course!)

*HIM - Roommate and I have discussed at length the ‘rules’ when DS is there. No girls (other than our normal friends like XXXXXXX, XXXXX (which happens to be OW), XXXXXX, etc.), no overnight guests, no parties, etc. As the child of a single parent, I fully understand what he needs for stability. If we work together, he can have the same routine no matter where he is. We did a good job getting him this far, we can continue to do so regardless of where he sleeps.

* One last thing. Please remember that I’m not asking for permission, I’m trying to come to an agreement. Neither one of us has any more “say” over DS than the other. He’s not property to be loaned out or given access to “in moderation”. When I left the house I did so knowing that in the short term I’d be giving up time with him to make it easier for every one. That was never, and is not, my long-term goal. So I’ll sum up our differences one more time and I hope we can settle on something:

* Please don't make the mistake of trying to hurt me financially. You know how I feel about money. It won't work. If you're concerned that you don't have enough, please, tell me and we can discuss it like grown adults who've known each other for 15 years. I could have chosen to do a lot of things very differently. I chose to trust that you would consider all the years I've made sure we were taken care of when you made your choices. Please don't make me regret that. (I lost all my trust in him when he WALKED OUT THE DOOR)

I think you should take a minute and re-read what you wrote and tell me if
anything in the last 15 years, or my entire life, would ever lead you to be
scared for your or especially DS's future.

You live in a $xxx,xxx house, you drive a $xx,xxx car, have all of your bills paid, and have every possible convenience. Considering you make $xxx a month, it seems like you are doing pretty good. And yet, you find it necessary to take *our* money based on some notion that you won't be able to
survive.

Considering that you prevent me from seeing DS as often as I'd like, refuse to communicate with me (even when he's sick), and now apparently try to prevent me from entering my own house (YEP...had the locks changed!!) , how would you expect me to deal with you?

You can tell your lawyer and your friends and your family whatever you want about me but you and I both know the truth. You and I both know that I have always been honorable, that I've always treated you with respect, that I've always made sure we never wanted or needed anything. And you and I both know that you never appreciated what you had. You never gave back. You never supported me in anything I tried to do for us or myself.

Please, re-think this. Please, put the money back and we'll discuss how best to use it and how best to make sure you feel taken care of. You've made no offers, you've made no attempt to bargain. Just stating that you need $xxxx a month for 'bills' is not bargaining.

Please don't make this harder than it is.




Sorry for the length, just wanted to share some background.

Don't negotiate with terrorists (WSs). Get a bulldog lawyer and let him do the talking. He will try and manipulate you into letting him out of this marriage as easily as possible. Don't go for it.

This is your mantra:

"I only talk marriage. If you want to talk divorce have your lawyer call my lawyer."

End of conversation.

fog horn alert.

Lot's of WS babble.

Is this something I need to consult with my lawyer about? I hear from lots of people that he's TOUGH...but others I hear he's not tough enough. I know they kinda know what to expect in the end, but how bout FIGHT for me. My little case is nothing to you...it's piddly compared to others you have, but this is MY life!!!


I screwed up on this front in our temporary hearing. Didn't have anyone next to me nudging me. Guess my lawyer wasn't in a fighting mood that morning.






Hey, this is pretty close to what I call her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />



There's not much there and that would eat into anything I'd get.

I still want to handle this in God's way. I'm also being torn between the forgiving part and wanting to make him PAY!!!

[color:"red"] S T O P [/color]

having these custody discussions

[color:"red"] What you say can be twisted, then used against you !!! [/color]

any future attempts to draw you into this sort of debate

[color:"red"] walk away [/color]

and say

[color:"red"] I am not going to discuss legal matters with you [/color]

this is

important you do not discuss anything regarding support, money, division of property, or custody

Those were conversations EARLY on. We've got a temporary agreement. I'm not happy with it though. Hopefully my lawyer will get off his DUFF before any more court dates. I've gotta get tough with him. He is fighting for my life and the life of DS. I shouldn't just be another day at work for him.

Yep, but of course it eats you!

I don't like your lawyer. He doesn't sound tough enough. Let him know that you want him to be a bulldog and fight for everything and drain WH of his will to leave you. He will be happy to roll up the extra hours. If he doesn't get off his duff, find someone else.

I know it is a dilemma about draining as much money as possible. Sure you may get less if you wind up divorce, but consider it an investment to keep your family together that involves some risk. You decide what is an acceptable amount of risk.

Go to HR and get your PI to get dirt and contact info on OW. But remember, you need to plan A your WH, but don't get dragged into any relationship/divorce conversations.

OK, as I gather my Plan A list (still studying here), need a few suggestions...

1 - should I always enthusiastically take his calls?
2 - should I offer anything or just answer his questions?
3 - should I agree to anything he wants as far as visitation? we finally had a hearing that gave me primary custody. He gets more than standard (because I allowed it before). I've given him an overnight every week (early on this benefited me). He would sometimes want him other nights for "dinner". Should I be flexible or say, "only what's stipulated?". I do need him to adjust a bit for me sometimes with pick up / drop off times.
4 - I've not confronted him yet about the A. Should I stick it to him every chance I can. Like on Fri when he picks up DS, remind him, "oh, remember, you're not allowed to have DS around OW anymore"
5 - ask him about work?
6 - justify why I've done things, for instance, taking the tax $ and putting where he can't get it to have $$ for legal bills. He makes about 7 X what I do. He has access to a lot more $$ than I do. The next time he brings it up I want to say, "remember, back in Dec when you told me numerous times to get a lawyer, well that $$ is to pay that lawyer that YOU told me to get".
7 - expect him to do things, like help get the dogs to the vet, tell him about things at the house, like the things breaking, the dead mice I find in the back yard, etc.
8 - do I let him know that I need him or let him think I can live without him?

This is all just so much to think about / analyze. He's read the psych books, etc. He obviously knows how to work the program. My head's still swimming. I worry about doing / saying the right thing, etc.

Well, that's a good start. I know I'll get lots of advice tonight.

God Bless You and I pray for each of you going through this struggle as well. I just with the WS would get their heads out from (you know where) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> and stop wasting precious time. Restore these families. Divorce is NOT best for the kids, it does NOT make things easier.

Kiliki,

I read much of your story. I know what you're going through. My FWH did the same thing. I just wanted to give you hope, tell you how it went for us:

Mr. RLT did the same thing, out of the blue, I'm not happy, blah blah. Moved out, had a woman. Found out after he left. A long story, if you're interested let me know and I'll fill you in more. But he ended up breaking it off with OW, stayed in his apt. for awhile. Began reading the Bible. Started his journey with God. We also lived a very secular life with no God in the middle for 25 years.

Long story short--he was in a hotel room, we were done. Gaput. Finished. I was calling my lawyer the next day. So he had this epiphany while he was in the hotel room. He said God spoke to him. He changed, Kiliki. He turned around 180 degrees after those three days. He came home. He committed himself 100% to the marriage and his three kids. He goes to church, reads the Bible daily. This is something he used to laugh at others about. He thought they were a bunch of "Jesus Freaks" who didn't know anything. Now he's completely different.

He's been home now for 8 months. I have a new husband, a new life. Yes, the consequences of his actions are still bearing down hard. We have a financial mess to deal with as he stole 20 grand from the 401K and racked up the credit card to finance his affair. He gave me and STD. He created a horrible relationship with his kids. He has to work a second job to help pay off debt. He has to deal with my moments of sheer disbelief, still, about the horror that he created. But ... God is good. He has turned this into something good, if you can believe that. My marriage, my family all intact, is a true miracle of God.

I'll pray for you, Kiliki, and for your husband, that he can have the same moment my husband had, and come back you you and your family.

God Bless. Don't give up hope. Anything is possible with God in your corner.

RLT.

More questions...

* do I drag my feet with the lawyer? WS is going for D on "no fault", he can file in Nov. I'm having to go for D based on adultery. I have to do this to get what I need for me & DS. I can give him a D in 3 months, but I'm not giving him the satisfaction. Then he could have DS around OW. I've not discussed timeframe with my lawyer. I don't know what I have to do.

* do I have any confrontation with OW? (I know who she is. She's babysat my DS before, I've been to her house, I handed the PI all the info on her)

* I've not told WH in a very long time of my desire to save the marriage. I did early on and he shrugged me off. "why are you willing to change now, etc". Do I let him know at all that I want to save it or just do Plan A and "show" him?

RLT,

YAY!!! These are the stories I like to hear! I'm so glad everything worked out for you. So glad he came out of his fog & to his senses.

I'd love to know a little more about your story. (you can email if you like) Mainly, what you did, what you think changed his mind. Had you done anything legal?

I've tried to not throw my newly recommitted Christian life in his face. I wasn't going to tell him I was Baptized. I had to tell him so he could bring DS to the church (a little earlier than normal drop off). He said he was glad I'd found a church I liked. He knows I used to really enjoy it. He's sorry he just wasn't as "in to" it as I was.

The whole "jesus freak" bothers me. There are some folks out there that can go extreme, but not all Christians are like that. Christians can have fun too. It's not all about hanging out at the bars.

I hope to be sharing my success story soon and helping others myself. I know that's another reason why God is allowing me to go through this. I hear from people around me, my parents included, how they are valuing their spouses a little more. I try to tell them where we failed, that these things happen when you least expect them. We both were committed to each other for life...so I thought. It can happen to ANYONE!!!

Thank you for your prayers and God bless you!

I really wish WH had someone to talk to that has been through this and has recovered from it and can help him before it's too late.

God is GOOD!!!

Why haven't you told him you want to save the M? Of course you should do that. You should also tell him that you know about his affair, but you are still willing to work on things. Let him know that you will fight the divorce and do whatever it takes to save your family. Let him know that you know that things need to be different in the marriage and you are willing to work on those things. If he doesn't agree to come back and have NC with OW, it's time for nuclear exposure.

If you do make it through this, you will need some MC and do a better job at meeting his ENs. Things can't go back to the way things were.

A friend sent this to me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU

Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, " they will not" succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2007), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.

I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message"... God smiled and answered... Request granted.

It's just been a while since I've told him. Things I've read is to say it, let them know, but move on. Don't keep saying it. They'll feel threatened. Work on "you".


Absolutely. We've got some great resources at church. There are Marriage Mentors also. People married over 15 years that "mentor" couples. There are small groups for couples, bible studies, etc. I'm excited about doing something like that. Growing closer to God together. He's just got to want that. Right now he does not want that.

Okay, I was under the impression that he didn't know this is what you wanted.


He doesn't want to now because he's having an affair. It's time to use some nuclear exposure to break these two up. After it's over, you'll get your chance to rebuild your marriage, but right now, you need to fire some tactical rounds to put pressure on this affair, especially on her end.

Kiliki, I can email or IM, or phone if you want. Just let me know where to contact you.

RLT

Kiliki,

You seem to be operating under the misaprehension that rolling over and forgiving WS is Godly?

Please understand that it IS Godly to fight for your family and secure all your entitlements (and then some) from a WS. You should get a lawyer that will facilitate this rather than sit on his hands.

As I think it was Charles Colson who said "when you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow".

Added my email to profile (temp). We can exchange IMs if u want.

kiliki, sent you a qucik email.

I am adding my two cents worth, a little late in the game, so excuse me if I am not fully updated.

One of the things I would recommend is taking the EN questionaire.

Since your husband is already out of the marriage as far as he is concerned, you should answer the EN questionaire for him to your best ability and then focus on his most important Emotional Needs.

The Harley's state that you can recover your love by filling your spouses most emotional needs.

You fill your spouses lovebank when you fill his top ENs, and you drain the lovebank, when you commit lovebusters.

Independent behavior is a BIG Lovebuster.

One thing that jumped out was the fact that your husband displayed independent behaviors most of your marriage.

You mention that most of his week is spent doing things that don't include you. Independent behavior.

Williard Harley suggests that each couple spend at least 15 hours a week doing recreational things together. Doing enjoyable things together makes hefty deposits in the lovebank. He recommends finding a hobby that both of you enjoy to not only fill his lovebank but yours.

He states that anyone can fall in love with the other person if they fill their emotional needs.

My guess is that one of your husband's top emotional need is admiration, and the other woman provided that.

He also says that marriages are at risk when a partner shares time and problems with those of the opposite sex.

Now the marriage is at double risk if the spouse is spending time sharing his problems, and spending enjoyable time with the opposite sex. Once the lovebank is filled to the top, the hormones kick in and its all a down hill slide.

My suggestion would be to read up on lovebusters, emotional needs, Plan A, and Plan B.

You have my deepest sympathy, it is a very long and hard road to travel, but there are many like me that have gone through this betrayal and have come out on the otherside.

Take care,

k.d.'s heartbreak

K,

I have read thru your sitch pretty fast, but will go back thru again when I have more time

First, so sorry about your sitch, but glad you took Eph's advise to come here! You will find a lot of help, understanding and support

Read the books NOW. Surviving an A, His Needs/Her Needs

Do NOT have any D or custody conversations with WH

Do NOT make it Easy for him to D!

BE the woman YOU want to be, which is going to be (should be) the woman your H fell in love with

Remember how things were when you first met, and recreate that!

Do NOT rollover and agree with everything WH says. He IS trying to convince YOU that this is Best, that you should be Friends, and all that other WH [email]cr@ap![/email] Do not accept that.

Read up around here about Plan A and get started on your own plan

Definately read and be sure you understand The Carrot and The Stick of Plan A.

Can someone find and bump that up for k?

First and IMMMEDIATELY NOW TODAY EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!

I can not say it enough!

I gotta run, but hang in there sweetie! Keep tight w/you chruch support system, so glad you have that.

Read up and keep asking those questions!

I'll do the best I can. It's been so long since we've "connected". I'm not exactly wure what his ENs are. A lot of it from what he tells me (I'll pull out text) (* HIM - The root of our problems isn’t you being unhappy when I’m not around. Its times like these where I come half way and you are unwilling to do more than the bare minimum to get by. I won’t accept the standard visitation schedule. ) , is that I wasn't "there" for him encouraging him to do things for himself. Well, how easy is this supposed to be when He's ALWAYS doing things for himself. He didn't see the times I WAS there for him. Videoing him earning & receiving his black belt, videoing & cheering on during his 1st bike race last year (early in the morning in the freezing cold). I was always acting interested when he talked about cycling, when the Tour de France was going on last year. Not sure what else to do.

At this time, do I reach out and ask him how things are going? I read that our hometown cycling hero is having some issues while warming up for the Tour this year.



This is a BIG LB for me!!!!! For him, do I need to make it seem that I need him? I know I shouldn't harp about things at home that keep breaking (why would he want to come home to that?) But to let him feel needed? Or will me showing my independence make him jealous, like he wants to be there for me?



I asked the mutual friend that tipped me off what he was in her, she said, the drinking, partying, crude talk. She's just "one of the guys". UGGG


I'm working on this. Still just so much info swirling around, trying to absorb it all.

Thanks for your feedback & support!!!

Ordering now..



I'm trying! I'm dressing more like he's wanted (good for me too!), trying not to complain as much (good for me too!), getting out there & finding true friends (good for me too, just hope I can keep them & not run them off), getting out more, not sitting at home waiting on him (good for me too!)...

It's hard to think back to early on. We've known "of" each other for close to 20 years. We've been together for 15. I'm not sure we ever discussed what drew us to each other.



A lot of this has to do with DS3. Trying to convince me that he needs to see his daddy, that he just wants to see his son, he loves him, he wants to spend time with him, etc. So, this is my cue to say, "yes, you had all the time in the world when you were home, you decided to leave us". He always wants me to give valid reasons for saying he can / can't do something. I want to say, "well, because I don't want you to or I want you to". Just the very reason why I never stood up to him when he was home to tell him I didn't want him to go out. He'd always act like he was asking my permission. I didn't have a valid reason for him to be home, other than, I wanted him home. I had nothing specific in mind, other than being together, watching TV, etc. That wasn't enough for him.


Got it (E sent it to me), read it, need to study a little more & get my plan on paper.




Thank you so much....again I need all this advice from you "pro's". I do not want to give up 15 years of my life and let him walk out & do what he wants!!! I want my family back & God has given me the vision of what our marriage can / should be. He's just got to want this too. There will be a LOT of changing on his part as well, but hopefully he can find God again and he'll see what our marriage needs to be!

Hi, Kiliki, and welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

To answer your question, showing independent behavior will push him away. It is not attractive to anyone. Men like to feel NEEDED [not in a clingy, needy way] but that they are important in their wife's life. This is most especially a bad time to show IB because he will use it to justify leaving you. ["see, she doesn't need me anyway"] You don't want that.

And secondly, unless I missed it, have you not exposed this affair? Exposure is the most powerful weapon you have in your arsenal. Affairs thrive on secrecy and when exposed, the fantasy aspect is ruined. There are no guarantees, but we have had affairs end THE DAY they were exposed.

Exposure causes great conflict in the affair when the affairees are forced to explain their actions to others. The affair doesn't look so pretty when others are looking on going "ewwwwwwwwwwww." Its sort of like turning on the lights in the crack house! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The affair should be exposed to parents, [of ALL concerned], spouses, employers if a workplace affair, close siblings, close friends, grandparents, pastors. When you expose to them, ask for their ideas on how to save your marriage. When put like that, they often try to be helpful. It should be done in one fell swoop to get the maximum effect to prevent the affairees from pre-empting you.

This is a critical step that you can't afford to skip, k.

OK, what types of things do I need to do? I really could use the grass mowed, house cleaned, I keep finding dead mice in my back yard (thanks dogs!!). He jumps at the chance to do something for DS. Being "super dad" of course. How can I make him feel needed without being needy of things he HATES?? It was so funny (well, not so much when it happened). He had been done a few days. He called & asked, "so, is there anything you need me to do for you? Kill a spider or anythign?" WHAT??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> When he lived at home and I said there was a bug or spider, or even a mouse, his response would be, "well, take care of it". UGGG...

I have to be careful too because he's not allowed at the house & I don't want him at the house. I don't want to put DS in the middle because if I ask him to watch him or do something, take him to the doc or something it might backfire on me and he's already pushing for joint custody.

Suggestions greatly appreciated!!!



I'm working on my gameplan / who / words to say, etc. Most of his co-workers know...they're the ones that's been telling me. So, would it be good to put it up on MySpace??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Some of his friends (roommate included) are my "friends". I've heard lots of them aren't talking to him, have shyed away from him.

I plan to contact his mother / grandmother. Especially since he plans to take DS 12 hrs away to visit his grandmother in a few weeks.

They are co-workers, but I'm pretty sure it's condoned or shrugged off. I've heard HORRIBLE things about that place in regards to marriages, etc. Even within his group of friends. It's funny because a few years ago, it was speculated that a couple of co-workers were "too friendly". These 2 were married (he has 3-4 kids), but spent a lot of time together. I remember them being at our Christmas party and I was VERY uncomfortable because they were WAY too friendly / close to each other. Me & WH spent a lot of time talking about it. He was disgusted by it! Well, looks like things have changed!!!!!! The guy eventually divorced (don't remember who initiated it), she had separated from her DH, but they got back together when she found out she was preg. They've moved out of state & are back together. Happy I believe.

SO, should I just send out an email to everyone we know, explaining that he's left our family for HER, and I'm doing what I can to save the marriage?

I appreciate everyone's time in helping me. I pray daily for everyone going through this horrible time and for those that are praying for us.

THANK YOU!!!

Some more random questions...

* When he left he did a change of address. Shocked him when he realized that all the bills are now coming to him...oops. Now he brings me the ones that I'm responsible for. Mainly anything to do with the house itself. Thing is, I've asked him twice to stop the forwarding so I can get the bills in more time than a few days to get them paid. He made up some excuse about having to go down to the post office. Anyway, I'm noticing some of the bills now have HIS address on them. This would mean that he had to inform the creditors of the new address. How can I politely ask him to fix it so they come to me??? He has no reason to check up on me. Most of the time he's not even opening them. It's anoying me. I've told him before, well, I can't pay the bills if I don't have them.

* He has to bring DS home by 6 on Sunday. We are having an event at church and I will have him bring him there. He's actually agreed to this. (I secretely pray that something will seep through his feet when he's on church grounds <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) When I ask him to bring DS to the church, should I add, "you're welcome to stay"? There will be music, kid stuff, fireworks.

* I think I asked it above, but what types of things should I ask his help with, to make him feel needed? Anythign I think of is either something he'd hate if he were home or having to do with DS and I don't want him to think, "ah ha, maybe getting joint custody won't be so hard". He did get his hair cut for me last night (he asked). I don't want this to show he should pay less CS since he's doing those things. Plus, daycare is forever needing extra $$ for "McDonald's Days or Ice Cream Days". Should I ask him to pay that or just do it myself?

* I'll do some searching, but what types of comebacks will I need to use when he's been "exposed" to everyone & lashes back at me?

* I'll also search for this, but would appreciate some feedback too, how to word things to people? "He is having an A, the day after Tgiving decided he'd be happier away from me & DS. I'm not sure how long it's been going on, but I have a feeling for some time. He has no interest in saving this marriage or this family, but I am doing what I can to restore it. All prayers and any support would be greatly appreciated".

* Should I consult my lawyer about any of this before I proceed? As most lawyers, I know he's on my side, but he told me a long time ago, it's over. Because WH filed a complaint on me in Jan. WHATEVER...we all know marriages can be saved. I'm still holding out hope.

When he calls tonight (I'm sure he will), I'll ask him about the Tour de France that is about to start.

First off, he should be allowed to come into the house! Keeping him out is a bad idea right now. It smacks of punishment and gives him ammunition to use AGAINST YOU. Don't hand him ammunition against you. You WANT him in the house so he can miss it. So he can miss YOU. The house should be pleasant and inviting, just like you! So, think of things that he DOES GOOD and ask for his help. You don't want to ask him to just do things because you need a boy to move some boxes. He will resent being used like that. Ask his advice about something in which he has special knowledge. focus on being as ATTRACTIVE AS YOU CAN. I assure you the OW IS!!


No, don't put it on myspace and don't bother with friends. Expose to his employer if a workplace affair, his parents, his grandmother, mother, siblings, CLOSE friends, the OW's parents. Tell them that your H has abandoned the marriage for an adulterous affair and ask for their advice. Ask them to please support you and DS in any way they see fit. Do this all on the SAME DAY to get the maximum effect.

Send a CERTIFIED LETTER, scheduled to arrive the same day you expose, to Human Resources at his job. CC his boss, her boss and the region VP so the scandal is not deep sixed. Tell them about the adultery and remind them that this affair could cause potential sexual harrassment problems. Then ask them this-----------------> WHAT DO YOU INTEND ON DOING ABOUT IT?

They may not do anything, but it will put pressure on the affairees at work and cause conflict in the affair.

What I' am going to tell you next will gall you to no end, but right now you have to put aside your gall and be strategic because your marriage is under assault. In all interactions with him, ask yourself this: AM I MORE OR LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN THE OW? This is critical for you to realizse what you are up against so when you feel like kicking him out or tellikng him what a low, sorry ****** he is that you are HELPING THE OW. When you lovebust him, you make the OW LOOK GOOD. And this is not the HelptheHo-Bag Program, but the Help the Kiliki Program! Got dat? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He will be furious, but remember you can't reason with a falling down drunk. Your reply will be: "I am sorry you are so upset, dear."


I have to run but I will answer these real quick. You don't need to consult a lawyer to expose. Their job is to FACILITATE a quick easy divorce, we are trying to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. He is good at divorce, we are good at marriage.

Since I have proof on the A, I'm not to be behind closed doors with him. He can say we reconsimated the marriage and it would be as if I'm condoning the A. I can't afford that. It would put me back at square 1.


He's a computer guy. My Mac is out of commission. Needs a new powersupply. He's aware of it. I'd ask if he'd be willing to replace it for me, but 1 - I don't want him to get his hands on that machine. 2 - I can't be alone with me, even if he replaced it at the house.




I've got contact info on her XH, don't know about her family.


This doesn't bother me too much. She's not all that, let me tall ya. I'm sure it's not a physical attraction. I've lost 35 lbs since he left and am dressing better. More like he wanted me to in the past. I don't think I've ever seen her in anything but jeans & t-shirt...what he hates. I do plan out my wardrobe before I'm going to see him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Like tomorrow!

Well, never mind then.

K, what Mel is getting at is it's not necessarily physical attraction. Doesn't matter what you think she looks like, you are not in his twisted mind perceiving things as he does. Keep in mind, waywards think differently about things than they did before they were wayward. The have to do this a lot of time to justify themselves. Remember the whole alien abduction analogy.

Mel is right on the money as usual. No matter what, when you look bad to him in ANY way, the OW looks better.

Honestly and truly, I credit one of the FIRST STEPS in my MBer's success as being my willingness to LISTEN TO MEL and to DO WHATEVER SHE TOLD ME TO DO..along with others like WAT..but MEL was a GODSEND to me..particularly on the WEEKENDS.

I say..DO NOT QUESTION MEL...get her back in your corner somehow..holler out to her...

LISTENING AND LEARNING from folks HERE will help you to get your family back..

BTW, the primary need that the OW met in my situation was ADMIRATION and it was a STRONG ATTRACTION that kept my H holding onto her...

Not bragging just fact... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...I'm definitely more physically attractive but that did not matter one bit when he was "in love" with her...

LISTEN TO MEL...

CORRECTION:

My Physical Attractiveness to him mattered "some" bit..and I did PLAY IT UP..but not enough for him to END THE AFFAIR..not enough for him to even want to end the affair... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

OK, as most of you do, I've been contemplating all this for a while now. My future is in my hands. It's so hard to make a jump.. Partly, I was waiting on some confirmation that the A is still going on. Well, DUH...yeah, I know...but she could've gotten tired of him already! Anyway, got some pretty trusting confirmation tonight...so, time to roll...

Here is what I've composed with some help...

*************
Dear Family & Friends,

It is with deep sadness that I have to inform everyone of this. Some of you may be aware of this already and for others this may come as a great shock. Either way I am truly sorry to have to inform you of this.

My husband, has been having an affair with ____________. This has been going on for quite some time. They work together at xxxxxxxxxx here in xxxxxxxxxx. She is divorced with 2 boys. The day after Thanksgiving 2006, he decided that he would be happier leaving me and our 2 1/2 year old son xxxxxxx. He has not been home since. He is seeking a divorce from me.

He will not agree to go to any counseling or do anything to try to fix this marriage. He has completely shut the door on us. He has unfairly made this decision on his own with no regards to what I or our son want or need.

I have solid proof of the affair and there is no doubt it is going on, regardless of what he may tell anyone. An even sadder part is that I also know this person. She has babysat my son and I was a guest in her home the day after my birthday last year. He has had our son around her and her 2 boys numerous times since he moved out. This has infuriated me.

Even through all this, I am standing firm for my marriage and I will do everything in my power to honor my wedding vows. My wedding rings are still on my finger, as WH is still my husband. When God marries two, he says, "until death do us part". As far as I can see, both of us are still breathing.

Since I want to save my marriage, I am following the counsel and advice of one of the most renowned experts on the subject of infidelity. I need your help to put pressure to stop this affair and have this family restored.

****************

People to inform...
work
mom & step dad
grandma
great-grandma
aunts / uncle's
co-workers (I hear most of them are disgusted by this)
friends
my parents (already know)
her XH


I appreciate all of the advice I've received so far. I know I'm reluctant to do things. That's how I am. I know I've gotta get off my rear to save this marriage.

I've posted questions several posts above that will help me with my Plan A. Thanks for any input!

I'm headed to bed to process some of this. I'll be back on in the morning.

Please remember to pray for our friend Eph...he's got a tough day tomorrow as he starts Plan B!

The letter looks good. However, I would add OW's parents and other family to the list. You can probably get their contact info through OWXH.

Jim,

Thanks for the reply. I'll look into getting the info.

He may still be wanting to take DS3 12 hrs away to visit his family next week. Grandma will be notified before they arrive!!!

K,

I only did one exposure letter to OW's parents, but I don't think it ever reached them. I told everyone else in person or over the phone.

One thing I would suggest, and maybe others with more experience will chime in here, is to add more in your letter about your continued LOVE for your WH, as well as your desire to make changes yourself to make this work.

You don't want them to read this as being purely out of anger, hurt, revenge, etc. I found when people knew that I was coming from love, the desire not only to "honor my vows", but my desire to RESTORE a LOVING, strong marriage for both Drac and myself, they were very receptive.

Of course, most of them were shocked and angry about Drac's A. That is easy. Yet we need these folks to not only help break up the A, but also support as much as possible, the path to RECOVERY.

Make sense?

Thanks Bugs!!

Here is how my original letter was written. The bold parts were in the original.
[color:"red"]
Dear Family & Friends,

It is with deep sadness that I have to inform everyone of this. Some of you may be aware of this already and for others this may come as a great shock. Either way I am truly sorry to have to inform you of this.

My husband, has been having an affair with ____________. This has been going on for quite some time. They work together at xxxxxxxxx here in xxxxxxxxx. She is divorced with 2 boys. The day after Thanksgiving 2006, he decided that he would be happier leaving me and our 2 1/2 year old son xxxxx. He has not been home since. He is seeking a divorce from me.

He will not agree to go to any counseling or do anything to try to fix this marriage. He has completely shut the door on us. He has unfairly made this decision on his own with no regards to what I or our son want or need.

As with any marriage, it hasn't always been a bed of roses. We may want everyone to think that, but who wants to admit there are problems in their marriage? We have NEVER searched out the perfect church (which I have since found), gone to marriage counseling, read any relationship books together, gone to any marriage seminars, even really discussed it with each other, and better yet, we have NEVER prayed together. I really hate admitting any of this, but it's just the way it is.

I pray that even if my marriage can't be saved that I can give some advice to other married (or even non-married people out there) people of things to do / not do in their relationships.

I have solid proof of the affair and there is no doubt it is going on, regardless of what he may tell anyone. An even sadder part is that I also know this person. She has babysat my son and I was a guest in her home the day after my birthday last year. He has had our son around her and her 2 boys numerous times since he moved out. This has infuriated me.

As anyone can imagine, this came as a GREAT shock to me. July 23, 2007 will be our 13th wedding anniversary. God has greatly blessed us over these years. Even during this tragic time in my life, He is working hard on my life. I have re-dedicated my life to him, joined an AMAZING church, been baptized (a new birthday!) and had DS dedicated into the church. This has been the biggest blessing. I have put God back where He belongs in my life. I also vow to raise my son with God first and teach him to love God and follow him in his life.

In doing that, I am learning an awful lot about marriage and what God expects from it. These are things we never did. I can either use these new tools to work on my current marriage or it will help me in the future.

I know most of you love WH and probably do not believe what I am saying is true, but believe me, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, admit that my husband of almost 13 years is cheating on me. When we said our vows at that church alter in the site of God, we were making a lifelong commitment to each other. At least, that's what I thought.

Even through all this, I am standing firm for my marriage and I will do everything in my power to honor my wedding vows. My wedding rings are still on my finger, as WH is still my husband. When God marries two, he says, "until death do us part". As far as I can see, both of us are still breathing.

You, as family and friends, I need lots of support and prayers at this time. I need your help to put pressure to stop this affair and have this family restored. DS is missing out on having a loving home with two parents. He is such a gift from God and he does not deserve this! I love watching him grow (too fast as we all know!!). I hate having to deal with this terror when these should be extremely happy times. Creating family memories, traditions.

WH has his mind set that he will be happier without us and has closed that door.


Dear friends, I pray that God will speak to your heart to do the right thing and help me restore this family.

I know you are family and friends and you love WH. I love WH too, you don't stop loving him, just HATE the sin that he is inflicting on this family.

God is so good & I know why I am going through this. [/color]

K
I've got to wonder. You stated that you could not let him in the house. This would compromise your divorce leverage? Is it correct?

I thought you wanted to maintain a marriage. I understand the need to protect your finances, etc so what ramifications did the lawyer say letting him in the house would have? I am not interested in your family/friends opinions but rather a legal one.

It seems to me a conundrum, if you can not connect but make things awkward and uncomfortable. How can you actually make the MARRIAGE work?

This is advice from my lawyer & PI. Since I have proof of the A, we're not to be behind closed doors together. He can easily come back & say we "consimated" the marriage and it would negate my whole case I have with the proof. It would be saying that I condone the A. I'd be back to square 1.

Just like I'm not to be alone with the opposite sex because he could be having me followed. All you need in this state is time, place & opportunity. A physical act does not have to be seen.

Something else I need to add.

"I want to teach DS what it is to have a loving / successful marriage. I don't want him to learn that when things get tough, it's OK to just run away. Leave your commitment. No need to actually try to work on it, just leave. It's better off for you anyway."

this is how I feel WH is acting and his beliefs. You have to stand for your commitments. Don't run when the going gets tough. WH got mad, took his ball & went home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess my question is what do you gain with a fault divorce?

In my vague understanding, it does not affect the custody, asset, etc. It simply allows for an expedited divorce process? Is that correct?

You need to weigh the advantages/disadvantages to this.

JMHO

Oh, I'm NOT expediting the D!!! In this state 12 months for a "no-fault", 3 months for "fault". I'm dragging my feet. Only trying to protect me & DS3. He will NOT get a 3 month D!!! I just want the upperhand & don't want him to get to court, say he's unhappy, we've lived apart 12 years, file the papers. I don't have to do anything, just be served with papers saying I'm divorced.

I dont' want to get there to protect myself because of the A, and my $2600 proof go out the window because he "said" we were alone. don't want the alien to appear. I don't have much confidence in these judges as it is, if things progress that far. Just trying to protect what I have.

He has been inside the door a few times since.

I've still got things swimming in my head. I need answers to my questions in previous posts about how to handle WH. Things to be careful to do / say.

I'm still reading through as much as I can with SAA & posts here. It's all just swimming in my head.

Tomorrow's going to be a bad day for me. WH is to get DS3 for his 1st week. I think he's still planning to take him 12 hours away to visit his grandmother.

I've been having huge doubts the past few days. Thinking of how WH is. Not "into" church, hanging out with the people he does, at bars, concerts, etc. Listening to the music he does (got a reminder when he left his iPod in DS's bag). Is he willing to change enough to the man I want? God's got to hit him square in the head to knock some sense into him and for him to want to change. I want a total transformation for our family. Is that too much to ask? Would I be wasting my time? I do love my WH and want our family whole, but I'm not sure he'd be receptive.

He is a good man & has some good qualities.

Just need encouragement right now!

Well, I'm headed to church to get recharged.

OK, I've got to get the wording finished TODAY. He just called and is picking up DS3 for a 12 hr drive tomorrow to visit his grandmother and other family. I want grandma to know before he gets there tomorrow so he has a very UNCOMFORTABLE week!!!

I am adding these words that my lawyer had put in papers..."

"My husband, has been having an open and notorious adulterous affair with ____________. "

I think that sounds a tad bit more heinous. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've added the entire text above. I know it's slow here on weekends, but I'd LOVE feedback on my draft.

THANKS!!!!!

I worry about him driving with my child when someone calls to inform him that his W has exposed his little secret. I've so got to review the responses from MB as to how to handle them (calmly I know). At least he'll be several states away at that point, just with my son <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He was very pleasant on the phone. I was as well. It's going to be rough in the morning when he comes to get DS before he leaves. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

PLEASE PRAY FOR US!!!!!

Don't put those words in the letters. You don't want to sound heinous or like a lawyer, you want to sound compassionate and sympathetic.

As for what to say, just tell him you feel that you have been packed into a corner and are just doing what you feel is necessary to save your marriage and your family. Tell him that you are still going to fight regardless of what he says or feels because you think it is the right thing to do. You tell him that you are under no obligation to keep his dirty little secrets a secret, and if he didn't want people to know about his affair, he shouldn't have had one. That would be all that I would discuss about it, and if he wouldn't let it go or continued to verbally abuse you, I would tell him that you aren't going to tolerate his angry rants and abuse, and hang up if he continues.

The key is to expose to everyone quickly before he has a chance to spin his story so that others are unwilling to believe what you say. Don't tip off that you are about to expose, just do it in one swift motion and let him deal with the consequences.

OK, so I was a tad surprised. WH gave me back the LB quiz...I had filled some of it out and asked him to finish it for me. I said something about me working on some personal issues, etc and wanted his feedback. Thanks EPH for the idea.

So, here are his answers. I'm not really surprised by any of them.

1. Selfish Demands, unhappiness 5, once a week. Gets upset when my activities are outside the house. Started after we started dating. Increased. Recent events are the same as past, just different circumstances.

2. Disrespectful judgements. unhappiness 5, once a day. (I put.. nagging, always thinking is right about somehting being said or not said in the past) unaccepting of personal or professional growth. Disproval of friends / family. Form that causes greatest unhappiness, personal / professional growth. Started when we began dating. Increased in frequency. Much more passive-aggressivve.

3. Angry outbursts, unhappiness 4. 2 times a day. Forms of outbursts (I put, not really angry outbursts but huffing about something I want to do.) Rudeness to friends / family. Making me feel like a bad husband / father when she is unhappy. Form that causes greatest unhappiness, felling like a bad father. STarted 1 year into marriage. Has increased. Recent "outbursts" became extremely hurtful.

4. Dishonesty, unhappiness 5 1 time a day. Being passive / aggressive to show displeasure. Using DS as a way to get what she wants (more time at home). Expecting me to read her mind about why she's upset. Form that causes the greatest unhappiness, passive / aggressivness. This comes out in a "I'll show him" attitude about daily activities, house work, physical relations etc. Don't recall 1st time. Steadily increasing.

5. Annoying habits, unhappiness 1, 1 time a week. We all have annoying habits, nothing specific. He had nothing to say here.

6. Independent behavior, unhappiness 5, 0 times a year. Forms of independent behavior, the opposite is true. No independant behavior, no outside activities or personal growth. Form that causes greatest unhappiness, lack of independance. Started 1st year of marriage. Has steadily increased until no time was spent outside the home except for work and shopping.

How he ranks his LB...
1 - Unsupportive behavior (work, personal growh)
2 - Selfish Demands
3 - Independent Behavior
4 - Disprespectful judgements
5 - Angry Outbursts
6 - Dishonesty


OK, so I need some analysis here please!! I'm not surprised by the answers. Some of these things I know i need to work on, but in my defence, the reason I do / don't do some of these things is because of my needs. I need / want him home, don't want him ALWAYS out doing his own thing. I've never had the opportunity to have him home to actually WANT him to go do things. True, I've never really had any friends and that's been part of the problem. Now I'm trying to make lots of Christian friends that I'm having fun with. I was out with some till midnight last night. Things are better now. He just doesn't realize that I wanted him here to be my HUSBAND. Regardless of my feelings he still went out & did what he wanted to do.

After we had DS, of course I couldn't even go out if I wanted to. We have no family here and he was always gone. When he WAS home I wanted us to be together as a family. I felt guilty when I did go do things when he was home.

Reading his responses even more solidifies my opinion that these things are fixable! With a good Christian counselor we can work through these issues. He can realize why I need / want him home, he'll want to meet my ENs & I'll realize that he needs / wants to do things on his own. These are just typical relationship issues.

Tell me why, if he was so "miserable" for 13 years, why did he pick now to leave? After we have a son that we desperatly wanted.

True, in the past I was unaccepting of his friends. They mainly want to hang out at the bar & drink / smoke. NOT my thing!!! He forgets that more times than I can count did we have them over and we went to their houses, played games, had fun. I am no more unaccepting of his family than he is of mine. His mother annoys the crap out of me and vica versa. He's not even around when his family would come visit. Always got something to do. Dealing with those "personal goals" he had for himself. Now, granted I wasn't there ever single day patting him on the back pushing him out the door, but I have been there supporting him in personal AND professional accomplishments. He's just burying that! I'm sorry, but I had not learned a lot about relationships and that God wants you to show love, encouragement to someone even if you don't think they deserve it. These are things I'm having to work on too.

So, today at church I ran into WH's coworker & his wife. The wife is someone that told me months ago to take him for everying, show no mercy. He is saying he wants joint custody to pay less child support and was keeping his "relationship" secret till the divorce is over to hang onto as much as he can. UGGG...typical WH!!! Anyway, she told me that her hubby had said that WH & OW had apparently gone on a trip to FL around Spring Break. UGGG. PUKE!!!

Had to see him today. He's got a full beard (SO out of character for him). He started growing it before he left. He is just hiding behind it! It's starting to drive me nuts! He so looks like a homeless man.

I also noticed a large scrape at his elbow & asked what that was. He said he fell off his bike. I told him I was sorry.

I don't recall him falling off his bike any or at least a few times when he lived at home. Since he left, it's been a lot. I keep saying that God is pushing him off his bike & wondering when he'll realize it!

Dont' remember if I posted that I called his grandmother & informed her before he got to visit her, the real reason he left. I can't see as of yet that anything was said on her part.

I got a letter from my lawyer where he was asking his lawyer to name a mediator. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

how closely did your ranking of LBs match his?

It was pretty close! It upsets me that his main thing is me not wanting his "personal or professional" growth. The thing is, that "personal growth" kept him away from the house so much. We couldn't work on the marriage. Resentment has been there for so long.

Part of my problem is with these accomplishements, I did brag about him to others more than I did to him. My dad did tell him that I bragged about him all the time. He wanted to know why I never did to him. Well, I can see that, that is something I need to work on.

Six years ago I moved away from my family & everything I've ever known to move a state away for his job. It has turned out to be a very good move. I love this area. Wouldn't know EPH if we hadn't <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

He just didn't SEE the times I was doing that.

So much of this is so easily fixed / worked on with a counselor. He feels I'm sure because it's been so long (our 13th anniversary is next Monday), that it's hopeless, that he's "tried", etc. BULL!!! This is a perfect time to "fix" our marriage. Put God back where He belongs, raise our son how we should. He feels if he's not out "living", he's gonna miss out & die not accomplishing anything. Well, at his age, he's accomplished so much!!! I guess he's not that thankful for it!

Anyway, enough rambling for the moment.

They all like to make excuses and run when their little dirty secrets get found out. That is just the way it is.

Also, until he's ready to please God, it will be futile. I'm sure he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong.

Thankfully, from his "friends" I've heard several times that they also think he's "selfish"!! So, it's not just me!

Thing is, I'm still here willing to fix it. Work on things. Everyone I talk to says I'm stronger than they are, they would've given up a long time ago.

So, here's to strength for the next step!

Bump for Kiliki.

She is getting some poop in the fan from her recent exposure to ILs.

Of course she is. Know this Kiliki, IL's are often of no visible or real help and more times than not are willing to overlook anything the wayward is doing even hurting their own Grandchildren. Reason is fear of losing the wayward as son/daughter or having to look in the mirror and wonder what they did/did not do to cause wayward to become this monster. Easier to just jump on the bandwagon and blame you and tell wayward to do what makes them happy.

There are some (my parents would have been this way) that kick the waywards to the curb and side with the BS no matter that the wayward is their own flesh and blood.

Don't worry too much about it either way.

The good news is that the more pissed off they are, the more effective exposure is a a weapon against their affair. They'll calm down.

Can I just skip to Plan B???? I feel like I am about to die at this moment.

I'm sure this will not make much sense. I'll try to remember most of what was said, I'm sure I'll ramble.

OK, so with my plan for Exposure...I called WH's grandmother last week to inform her of the real reason WH left US. I told her about OW and that I wanted my marriage fixed. All the things about getting back with God, doing what's right, fixing things, how he's not lived up to his end of being a good husband. She agrees with everything. He's living in a dilusional world or something. She's happy I've found a church, etc. Gotten back to God. He was visiting with DS for a week. Grandma said she wouldn't bring it up, but she'd try to do what she could.

Before he left I put the Love Buster Questionaire in DS's bag. He did fill it out, see post above about that.

I'm preparing for the battle that is Exposure. I finally called "mommy" last night. We've not spoken since 1/1/07. She got hurt feelings about me acting like I didn't want her to see DS. Well, that's a whole different story. It took a lot of guts on my part to call her. I told her I just needed to let her know the real reason he left the FAMILY before it gets spun out of control & twisted. I told her about the A, that I didn't know how long it was going on, but I have solid proof. Basically what's in an above post in the letter. She did what I expected. She was kinda quiet said she didn't know what to say. She was sorry. She's missed me, loves me, yada yada. Anyway, I rambled on too much, but wanted her to know how I was feeling and that I wanted my family back. I am still taking blame for part of it. She agrees that it takes two to tango. She knows he's at fault too.

Anyway, enough about that. I was out with some friends tonight & WH sent me a text message asking to call when got home so he could talk to DS. I ignored that. He had left a message at home. I was about to put DS to bed & the phone rang. STUPID STUPID me, answered. He talked to DS for a few minutes then asked if we could talk. I said, "about what?". "we just need to talk." OK, so I got roped into the "relationship" talk. I know...STUPID STUPID STUPID...

Here's where the rambling starts. So much floating in my head, I can't remember everything that was said & in what order.

He said that his mother is afraid I'm going to do something to hurt him. I'm like, "hurt you??". He said, I don't know what she means. I don't think she means physically. He said that I knew he'd eventually start seeing someone. I had some misinterpretation of when things happened, etc. I told him that made no difference to me! I asked him if we were still married!!! I didn't push that much farther than that. He said he wanted to know why I could talk to his mother and grandmother and not to him.

So, he's admitted the A & admitted that we're still married. I kept pushing the whole thing with the VOWS. I'm taking mine seriously. I have to face God one day & tell him I did everything I could. He thinks he's honoring his vows by taking care of me. WAnted me to feel bad for him living in some tiny apartment splitting rent with a roommate. Um, NOPE. Plus, he's probably spending most of his time at HER HOUSE.

He asked me what ideal was, or something to that effect. I told him (through tears of course) that it would be for my family to be together and for us to be walking the walk we needed to.

I told him he left the FAMILY. He said he did NOT leave the family, he left ME, not DS. I said, no, you left the FAMILY. No, I left you. Um, now that makes me feel real good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I was trying to push that home...he said that DS has two parents. That will not change.

He repeated everything he's ever said to me. He's been unhappy for YEARS, he's tried, we've tried, he's listened, I'll never change, he was physically dying inside before he left, I only talked about praying twice over the years, why start praying when there's problems, he's prayed for years, he's tried to re-arrange his schedule, he's supported me in anything I wanted to do, you are who you are (meaning everyone), 10 - 15 years from now we'll be in the same rut, we'll get into an argument and the past will be brought up, we never grew together, we've talked about this once / twice a year, no amount of his time is enough for me, you get the picture???

I asked him to not think about anything I've said / done, not said / not done over the years. Does he have any love for me. His answer was that I'm a part of his family, but that's it. The love's gone. That love bank is DRIED UP!! I'm afraid maybe too many years of withdrawals.

He didn't just wake up one day & decide this.

He went to a therapist last year. He brought that up. Yes, I know. (secular one at that). He said it was for personal reasons. Apparently one time in the past he mentioned to me about me talking to someone. Personal issues. We're both on anxiety meds. I apparently told him I wasn't crazy & didn't need to talk to anyone. Well, there' s a chance I said that. Who knows. I keep bringing up counseling...that's when he brought this up. "why now?".

We're in the middle of this conversation and I'm so feeling like I'm gonna PUKE! And start hyperventolating. I know...didn't handle it very well!

He thanked me for talking to him and that we need to talk again. Doesn't have to be in person. I asked if he'd be willing to talk in a pastor's office. He said he'd rather just the two of us, well, of course, so he can control the situation. He always makes it sound like he wants to talk about DS. How much am I supposed to share about DS. As far as daily activities, etc. He has taken up wearing his halloween costume from last year. I did mention that the other day. He asked me to send him some pics. I did email this morning. He thanked me.

Anyway, it's 1am here. I'm exhausted. He has really drained me! I need a supercharge!!!

I know I'm not exactly following the plan to a T. I know I probably really screwed up tonight. Does anyone see ANY hope? Do I just leave the backdoor cracked in case he comes to his senses and push forward with my life. So, now he does know I want the family restored, that I love him. I'm done with that.

Oh, I did tell him I was sorry for wasting 15 years of his life. He said they were not a waste, we have DS.

I know I'm in a downward spiral right now. Just need to know if there's any hope.

I'm about to send the above message (several posts up) out to everyone else.

I've still got tons of questions. even if he does come to his senses and wants to work on things, will he allow God back into his heart and WANT to do what should be done? Be the spiritual leader of the family, want to spend time with the family? I can't take him back as/is. I don't think & pray I'm not what I was.

He fully believes that people can't change. You are what you are. He just has in his mind that I'll turn back to the same person I was. OK, WHATEVER. I've put God back where he belongs. With the continued support from lots of friends & good influences I can keep it that way! I told him that the world is not getting any better. I'm not going to spend eternity in ******.

Well, I know that's a lot to absorb. I hope it makes sense.

Thanks to everyone responding!!!

That went better than most.

I think you did pretty well, all things considering. You drove home the point that he is leaving the family, not you. Try not to get sucked into these conversations, but if you do, I would say that DS is your son, and you do not want to give him up any more than you are required to by law. You also want to raise your DS to know that he shouldn't abandon his family one day. Your DS needs a full-time dad, not an every other weekend dad. It would be a shame that if you do get divorced that the next man you would marry would be more of a father figure than his own father. Is that what he wants? You aren't even going to do that to him, he is doing that to himself.

Other than that, calm down and let exposure do it's trick. You also need to expose to his employer and OW's family. Start putting pressure on that side. If she dumps him because she deems him not worth all the drama, I bet he'll come back.

Thanks Jim.

It's good to know it didn't go "too" bad. I tried to stay calm & have the right words for him. I couldn't stop the tears though.

I'm sure he won't agree to talk with someone else because he KNOWS he'll just put me in a corner & I'm not very good with defending myself. Someone else may point a finger at him.

The thing about him being a father...he's "trying" in his mind. He's trying to have a lot of time with DS, trying to be there, of course he's telling me I'm hindering that. I'm just not going to let him do whatever he wants because he's "trying" to look like super dad. Granted, he's not abusive (thank God), physically or verbally, but he wasn't ever here as a father / husband should have been. He's convinced himself this is the right thing. He's been miserable forever. I know, as I type this I realize it's the FOG, total WS speak, right??? He's doing nothing but looking at the past. The last line of my devotional last night stated, "You cannot change what happened in the past, neither can I. What you can change is what you do in the future."

Anyway, enough rambling. I'll do my best to stay strong. I just need constant encouragment from everyone. I've got nothing but family / friends telling me it's time to move one. He's done. Stop hurting myself. I've got to get peace with God if it's even worth the fight.

Here's to a better day!

He's tried to say he's not leaving DS, he's trying to spend time with him, trying to keep things as normal as possible, etc.

Not sure if I mentioned it or not, but he said he didn't like having him away from me for an entire week or even for a weekend. Well, then, DON'T!!! He keeps wanting to do what's best for DS. A judge doesn't need to decide, we as his parents know what he needs. Well, I know he needs a mother and a father living under the same roof.

He's upset that he's tried to have him when I needed / wanted to do something. I need him to be a father, not a babysitter!

He's said before, after reading a book on kids & divorce that he's realized it's not about the quantity of time with him or # of nights, but the quality. Does that "quality" include taking him places with HER and her boys? I can guarantee you he pawns him off on someone at least part of the time he has him. I'm sure he loved grandma taking him to VBS last week everyday.

Anyway, more rambling here.

What does everyone else think? Is this still true WS Fog talk?

OK, so I had a long talk tonight with an old friend. Actually my 6th grade boyfriend. Yeah, weird I know. Anyway...he got me to thinking. I had completely pushed this in the back of my head...could part of WH's current issues / irrational thinking be because of his anti-depressents? He's had depression issues over the years. I can't look at him and say, "hey hon, why don't you go off your meds for a while & see if you want to come home, are willing to work on things". Made me think more about it too after he said when he was here he felt like he was physically dying. Just before he left.

HMMM, something to ponder.

OK, so it's "E-Day". I've expoesed to mom & grandma. You can see how that went from above.

Below is the final draft of the notice I'm sending out to everyone else. Please pray and wish me luck. I've been trying to collect all the responses I'll need for him when his backlash starts. My mantra will be..."like I told you honey, I've got to face God one day and tell him I did everything I could to honor my vows."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Family & Friends,

It is with deep sadness that I have to inform everyone of this. Some of you may be aware of this already and for others this may come as a great shock. Either way I am truly sorry to have to inform you of this.

My husband, has been having an affair with XXXXXXX. This has been going on for quite some time. They work together at xxxxxxxxx here in xxxxxxxxxxx. She is divorced with 2 boys. The day after Thanksgiving 2006, he decided that he would be happier leaving me and our 2 1/2 year old son . He has not been home since. He is seeking a divorce from me.

He will not agree to go to any counseling or do anything to try to fix this marriage. He is convinced we've done everything we could over the years. He has completely shut the door on us. He has unfairly made this decision on his own with no regards to what I or our son wants or needs.

As with any marriage, it hasn't always been a bed of roses. We may want everyone to think that, but who wants to admit there are problems in their marriage? We have NEVER searched out the perfect church (which I have since found), gone to marriage counseling, read any relationship books together, gone to any marriage seminars, and better yet, we have NEVER prayed together. I really hate admitting any of this, but it's just the way it is.

I have solid proof of the affair and there is no doubt it is going on, regardless of what he may tell anyone. He may say nothing went on until he left the house, but the fact is, we are STILL married. An even sadder part is that I also know this person. She has babysat my son and I was a guest in her home the day after my birthday last year. He has had our son around her and her 2 boys numerous times since he moved out. This has infuriated me.

As anyone can imagine, this came as a GREAT shock to me. July 23, 2007 will be our 13th wedding anniversary. God has greatly blessed us over these years. Even during this tragic time in my life, He is working hard on my life. I have re-dedicated my life to Him, joined an AMAZING church, been baptized (a new birthday!) and had DS dedicated into the church. I have surrounded myself with wonderful Christian friends. This has been the biggest blessing. I have put God back where He belongs in my life. I also vow to raise my son with God first and teach him to love God and follow him in his life.

In doing that, I am learning an awful lot about marriage and what God expects from it. Neither of us lived up to those expectations. I am praying I can have the chance to now do that.

I know you all love WH and probably do not believe what I am saying is true, but believe me, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, admit that my husband of almost 13 years is cheating on me, regardless of our current living arrangements. When we said our vows at that church alter in the sight of God, we were making a lifelong commitment to each other. At least, that's what I thought. "For Better or Worse".

Even through all this, I am standing firm for my marriage and I will do everything in my power to honor my wedding vows. My wedding rings are still on my finger, as WH is still my husband. When God marries two, we say, "until death do us part". As far as I can see, both of us are still breathing. I have to face God and tell him that I did everything I could to save my marriage.

You, as family and friends, I need lots of support and prayers at this time. I need your help to put pressure to stop this affair and have this family restored. DS is missing out on having a loving home with two parents. He is such a gift from God and he does not deserve this! I am sorry for my part in it. I love watching him grow. I hate having to deal with this terror when these should be extremely happy times. Creating family memories, traditions. These are the precious years of his life.

WH has his mind set that he will be happier without us and has closed that door.

Dear friends, I pray that God will speak to your heart to do the right thing and help me restore this family.

I know you are family and friends and you love WH. I love WH too, you don't stop loving him, just HATE the sin that he is inflicting on this family.

God is so good & I know why I am going through this. I pray that we can all learn from this and have faith in the future and let go of things that happened in the past. "You cannot change what happened in the past, neither can I. What you can change is what you do in the future."

Thank you for your support over these past several months and I pray that we will all have the continued support in the future. May God bless all of your relationships and your lives for eternity and I pray that not a single one of you will ever have to go through this.

Well, here is my first response. It came from his aunt...

Well - all I can say on this matter is I will pray for you and WH. It's obvious there are some serious issues here, but I'm sure both of you are hearing things from both sides. Right now it doesn't look like you will get
back together any time soon, but this didn't happen vernight and it won't get fixed overnight. (Off my soapbox, now.)

Write anytime you want to vent, to update, to anything and please send an occasional picture of DS (and you). I haven't spoken to WH at all and he has not contacted me. I do know he has talked with Mom (this is his grandmother, the one he visited last week) a bit (hmm, I find this interesting). I haven't even spoken to MIL (this is her sister, his mother) about this since she told us last November. (hmmmmmm, VERY interesting. She said she wasn't telling anyone, it's was none of her business. Well, she did tell her mother in Dec because we were supposed to visit).
Anything you want to say will stay with me.

We will be in xxxxxx (town with ILs - & my parents for that matter) for Thanksgiving and I hope to see all 3 of you then. (yeah, I'm sure this is NOT happening! This will be the anniversary of him leaving).

Keep in touch and I will pray for all of you,

Kiliki, I've been keeping up with your thread somewhat.

The response from his aunt wasn't too bad and it sounds like she's taking a neutral position. But that's okay. Expect some craziness from your WH as a result of all this but don't take it personally. From what I've seen they all react that way. It just means it's working.

One thing, no more relationship talk with WH. Have you read up on Plan A?

Your story touched me because it's similar to what happened to me. I just want to encourage you that your WH can turn around. If you read my story you'll see that God worked in a mighty way in an impossible situation. He can do the same in yours.

(((Kiliki)))

princessmeggy

Thank you so much for your response.

Yes, I've read up on Plan A. It's just so hard for me to absorb everything. I do need a lot of hand holding. I know they all do / say the same thigns. I am in need of the exact things to do / say. He's always been quick on his feet & knows the things to say & how to say them (to his benefit of course).

I've been a nervous wreck today. Just waiting on his rath. And my response.

I am a tad surprised I've not gotten any other responses. It didn't surprise me for his aunt to take the neutral road. I know it's hard with family. Just like his mother.

I'll have to try to catch up to your story. I'm trying to read a lot of stories.

I do know God can work miracles. I just don't know if WH can soften his heart and want to do what needs to be done. I just started reading HNHN. The thing about asking what each other's most important EN is, well, ours are totally opposite. I want him home more, he wants me to not want him home so much. Is there hope for that???

I know I'm to have no more relationship talk with him. He's gonna say, "I told you I don't feel the same about you, I told you we can't work things out, I told you there's too much past hurt, I know you won't ever change, or for good, you'll go back to your old self". WHATEVER...that's why we need accountability partners to keep us on the right track.

Anyway, I need all the hope & encouragement I can get to my specific situation.

THANKS!!!

Bumping for K.

She needs some guidance on dealing with her WH's requests to spend time with DS and how to do plan A type actions with that and what's the proper way to make WH feel consequences for his actions without using DS as a pawn so to speak.

Thanks for the bump E. I'll update the thread tomorrow. Interaction went better than I expected. I was able to make several "deposits". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep praying.

Thinking of you, always!

I’ve had a busy weekend and haven’t had time to update my thread. A lot has happened.

I was on the phone with a friend Friday night. He called my cell phone. Wanted to talk to DS before bed. UM, OK, so how many times a week should I be answering the phone to let him talk to his son?

I stayed on the phone, put DS to bed & was actually up till 3am. The phone rang Sat morning at 10:30 (I was in a dead sleep!!). It was him. He left a message on home phone. I did not answer. He called cell phone, I did not answer. Called a friend for some advice. He wanted to come see DS & take him out for ice cream or something, just for 30 minutes. He was leaving on Sun to fly 3000 miles away for a conference. He wouldn’t get DS on his Wed overnight this week and he would have to pick him up Sat AM instead of Fri PM for his weekend.

He called back again and I finally answered. I made plans for us to go to the pool. I wanted to have an excuse. He always wants a valid reason for me not “letting” him do something. He said he at least wanted to come by to hug him.

So, here’s where I make some deposits to his LOVE Bank!! I asked why he was going across country, conference or something??? He said it was a business thing for people with his certificate. I said, "oh, you don't have your certification anymore. (he has to re-certify every 2 years for it. Last Oct (month before he left), he took & failed the test. I urged him to retake it. This was many years of hard work to get it in the first place. He was just going to let it lapse. He said he really didn’t need it anymore. OK, whatever. But, this was one of the times I DID encourage him for “professional growth”. He said he actually just got put on "suspension" for 1 year. He can still retake the written by this Oct & keep his certification. He said he's thinking about it. I encouraged him to do that. POINT !!! :-)

I told him we were getting ready to head to the pool. He said he was about 5 min away & just wanted to stop by. He could dress him, wouldn't slow us down. He was on his way back from the mountains. I said, "oh, why were you in the mountains?" He said he was in a bike race. "Oh, how did you do???" POINTS...he said he came in last. I said, Oh, sorry, at least you got to race, or something like that. MORE POINTS!! (this is the “personal” accomplishments I don’t encourage)

I said, OK, you can stop by. UGGGG, my house is NASTY. DS said he didn't want to see daddy, but when he showed up he was excited. He wanted to go get his shoes. He thought he was going with him. He started pitching a fit. UGGG. WH sat in the dining room & got DS dressed. We had some small talk. He asked about the street signs in the neighborhood that had been painted, I complained about the guy across the street that parks his truck in the street (OK, maybe took some points away here). He asked who was on the board (he was Pres. of HOA for 2 years & on board for 3). He asked about what DS was watching on TV, if I was letting him see Spiderman movies or not, & stuff like that. I was walking around trying to get things together but still trying to converse with him. He told DS he was going on a big airplane. I said, "DS, ask Daddy to bring us something back from his trip, mommy's never been there before". He said he could do that. He said he'd send DS a postcard. He'd mail Monday (our anniversary*today ). He said he would be back around midnight Fri & would call Sat about getting DS. I told him several times to be careful. He left, I locked the door. He knocked back on it and said, "thanks for letting me come by to see him." I said, "you're welcome...be careful". He said he would.

OK, so I thought that went well. He did not allude at ALL about knowing about the email. HMMM, who knows.

Fast forward to Sat night. I met my Christian Mommy Meetup at a church to watch a movie. The girl I met that WH works with him was there. Both of them. She said that she showed hubby the email (I had sent it to her, didn't know his addy), he came in Fri from work saying it was all over the company. (I figured that). Apparently a few months before WH left me, he was giving some guy at work grief about leaving his wife, now he did the same thing. He’s being called on that. I talked to the hubby before we left. He said, "so, 2 people had a really bad day at work on Friday." I'm like, "Oh, really??" He said they both sat hovered over their laptops all day with their IM tiny. The email started flying. He's not sure how high up it got. I told him I hoped it wasn't being sent around as a joke on me. He said that apparently she's broken up another marriage before, she needs to lose her job. HMMMMM...not sure who he was talking about. I asked about her XBF. he doesn't know him. I'm thinking it might be him, according to his Myspace, he's divorced.

SSSOOOOO. Looks like they know. Wonder why he was so quiet about it. Is the war about to begin? My mom thinks he's relieved. It's all out in the open, nothing more to hide. I don't know. I'd LOVE to be a fly on the wall in a meeting room for a few weeks. I bet he's ecstatic that he'll be 3000 miles away for a week. Won't have to face anyone. Hope the disgust doesn't die down.

I’ve personally not gotten any more responses to the email. That’s surprises me a little. One other guy (I’ve met a few times) replied and said, “I wanted to let you know that your family has been in our prayers since we first heard what happened. I think it’s wonderful that you’re a strong enough person to be able to put all of this behind you to fix your family. We wish you, DS, and WH the best and hope that everything works out for you.

Quite a few people know what’s going on and will have no problems believing the truth.

Please let DW or I know if we can do anything at all to help you through this trying time.

I thought that was sweet.

K:

Call the OW at the office.

She might be 3000 miles away.

Just a thought.

LG

lg, I was thinking the same thing.

When WH left he changed his address with the Post Office. therefore all the bills have been going to him. I've told him several times to stop the forwarding. He makes excuses. He would put "my" bills in DS' bag when he brings him home. I pay what he brings me.

Several weeks ago I had a feeling there were some he hadn't brought me. i asked him at least twice look for any.

The leasing company with my car & my cable company have left messages this week. I asked him Tue if he had looked, that they were calling. I called them yesterday and sure enough, June bills were not paid and July are due in 2 more days. Cable company said they were about to disconnect (at least that's what I understood from the Indian lady on the other end). I paid both months of cable (with a late fee) and paid June for the car. I will pay July today or tomorrow. So, here's the email I sent him...


Hope you're enjoying your trip. Hope you get lots of goodies from the vendor (I always love vendor "gifts") <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

When you get back, will you please look for any bills you've not given me. As I mentioned the other day, Leasing company and cable company had called here. I called them back. Neither payment for June had been made. Cable said service was about to be cut off. They added a $4.95 late fee. July payments for each are due on the 28th. I've not seen those bills either. Please look and see what you have.

Have you stopped the address forwarding yet? I asked Leasing Co to put my address on my car, but that won't help if the post office is still forwarding the mail.

In the notebook I put in DS's bag, I have put a folder in there for bills. This way they won't get misplaced if they may be falling out of his bag at school or something. We need to keep that book in his bag.


Thanks for your assistance

And his response via IM today.


[12:48] WH: I'm sorry about the bills. they're stuffed down in my laptop bag...
[12:48] WH: I'll get the address changed but we're going to have to figure out how to get them delivered to the right place/person
[12:48] WH: Insurance Co and Leasing Co is a pain
[12:48] WH: Cable's not so bad
[12:53] ME: you are going to have to stop the address forwarding with the Post Office. I already asked Leasing Co to correct the address but that doesn't fix it since the post office will still forward to you.
[12:53] WH: I know I know... sorry.

He should NOT have changed his address in the 1st place. Should've just called each company (the few he was to pay) and have them put his address on them. GET OUT OF THAT FOG AND THIS WON'T BE HAPPENING!!!!

I picked DS3 up from daycare on Friday & noticed his ear was red & swollen. At first I thought he was just laying on it. It didn't get any better so later that evening I took him to one of the late night doctors. 1 hr & 20 min later, 2 bug bites on the ear & 2 prescriptions...he is super sensitive to bug bites. He showed him self big time trying to leave Target. He showed himself ALL weekend. I was so frustrated! Really hating being a single mom!

WH gets paid every other Fri. My lawyer was mistaken so the court papers say he is to pay me the 15th & last day of the month. I need to get this changed. So, he gets paid Fri. He did not transfer $...Sat, did not transfer $$, Sun, did not transfer $$. I sent him this yesterday...


12:04 PM me: morning. I have GOT to get the mortgage paid today, when were you going to transfer $$?

12:05 PM WH: just did it. sorry I didn't get a chance friday. did you get my email or IM about the last few weekends in august? I still show me having him three weekends in a row. did you want to do that or is there a particular one (before or after labor day) that you'd prefer to switch?

12:07 PM me: what was the reason for the 2 weekends in a row?

WH: you had memorial day so I asked for labor day
or whichever day is coming up...I always get confused

12:08 PM that actually makes it 3 weekends in a row

12:10 PM me: did you want him the Labor Day Weekend or just on Labor day?

12:11 PM WH: that 3 day weekend
me: that is a Monday. I'm sure daycare will be closed

WH: right
monday included. I'd bring him home monday evening
or I can take him to school tues morning. your call really

12:16 PM me: the weekend before I have plans. Let's tentatively say he'll be home the 2 weekends after that. He'll be with you the weekend of 24th, then Labor Day, then hone the next 2. Oh, and I have plans on my birthday, so he can be with you that Wednesday

WH: ok, sounds good. I'll update the calendar

12:17 PM me: can you put the white notebook back in his bag please?

WH: yes, sorry. its still in my suitcase from the trip to st. louis.

12:18 PM me: I need to update some things. I took him to Doctor's Care Fri late afternoon. His ear was red & swollen when I got him from school. Didn't look much better as the day progressed. He just got bit twice on the ear by a mosquito. He's just hyper sensitive. He's on Zyrtec for 30 days & a steroid till Wed

12:19 PM WH: ok
me: he just gets the Zyrtec before bed

12:20 PM WH: in the future would you be willing to call if you take him to a doctor or he goes on any medication? I'd just like to know. not that I question the choice. thanks.


Anytime I open the mailbox and find an envelope in there from my lawyer I stand in the driveway with a sick feeling and my heart pounding. today was one of those days. There was a letter in there to me stating that mediation had been set for 9/7 at 9am. Another letter was to the former judge who will be mediating. It said that my lawyer has hearings at 10, 10:45 & 11am. They informed WS's lawyer, but they said they want to proceed with mediation. So, exactly how can I be in mediation WITHOUT my lawyer???

I'm terrified...I'm NOT ready for this!!!!!

HHHEEELLLPPP!!!!

Call your attorney's office and ask him what he intends to do about this. Do not agree to mediation without representation.

Ditto what h&p said - see my e-mail I sent you.

Update on my weekend.

So, Friday was exchange day. I was meeting a friend for our kids to play in the fountains downtown. Since WH works downtown I asked if he could just meet me down there. He said that would be fine. He would leave around 5 & be there about 5:15.

We were just getting started playing around 4. I looked up and saw him walking down the stairs about 4:15. I looked at my phone & he had sent a text message saying he was there. Um...what happened to you calling first?

He walked up & I told him we were just getting there. He said that was fine, he had no plans. OK, so now I'm out in public having to be cordial to WH. It was uncomfortable. We both played around in the water with DS. We chatted about some things. He played for a while then went & sat on a bench. Back to his normal stance. My friend chatted with him a bit.

I kept trying to think of Plan A things to say. I asked if he knew about a co-worker of his that was getting married (I just found out that day). He asked me if I had talked to my Deaf friend that he had met the other week. I asked what kind of conversation they had. He knows VERY little sign language. Only what I have taught him. This was something I was passionate about and teaching DS. He tried a bit, but wasn't as interested. I asked him last fall to take a class with me. "um...I've got too many other things going on". Well, YES you do!!! I asked him how he liked being a manager (since he left he has become the mangager of his dept.). He said the same, just more paperwork.

I tried to play around with the kids, be happy (I wasn't really acting, just making sure he was aware).

At one point I just started crying. It's just so hard to have him that close & know he doesn't want me. I've been thinking more lately about what they MIGHT be doing. It's killing me! My friend told me that it would be OK. DS was having fun & his mommy & daddy were there.

They got up & left about 6:15.

So...I'm thinking he came to check up on me...see who I was with...eat into some of "my" time. his pickup time isn't until 6.

As I may have stated before, several months before he left, he had started growing a beard. He's never been able to grow one over the years. I didn't think too much about it, but after he left it got worse. It's not like a nice, clean cut one, just a yucky unmanaged bunch of facial hair. I know he's been hiding his pain / humiliation behind it. I've been wondering if SHE's liked it.

Well, when he dropped DS off tonight (5pm, 1 hour early, not unusual)...he was CLEAN SHAVEN!!! He doesn't look like a homeless man anymore. HMMMMM. Now, it's been like 105 degrees here all week, but it's been hot all summer. Why NOW would he choose to shave it? I lost my chance....afterward I thought I should've walked up, rubbed his cheek & told him how good it looked! I LOVE when his face is all nice & clean!!!

So, anyone have any observations???????? I'm stumped. Also, not wanting to read anything into it.

Did you get your house all clean and sparkling yet? I do hope you are working on that.