Discovered A about 10 months ago, between H and OW. H and I are trying to make it work...but just found out yesterday that OW continuly nags H at work....to the point it I mention anything about the A...he starts to Yell at me.....NEED some advice.

He needs to quit his job and find another one if you want your M to recover. No ifs ands or buts, simply find something else quickly and move, Establish complete no contact, write and jointly send a no contact letter with WH taking responsibility for doing the wrong thing, hurting his family and his desire and intent on making it right with his wife whom he loves. Tell her in the letter from you both that he wants nothing else to do w/ her ever again,

OH, We both understand that he needs to find another job, and that has been a work in process.....and as far as completeling a no contact letter, he has to work with this women everyday...and has told OW many times that he is making work at home, and that he knows thats its not right to have a relationship or friendship with her...I know that if he were to find another job, all of this would be over with.....because as it stands right now, he has stopped all communication with her after and during work that doesn't pertain to work...I just think its funny that she always finds the time to nag him, about things like she just wants to be able to hate him....she just wishes he would tell her that she is a loser...etc....things she knows he would never say about her....

I just don't know if I am putting too much trust into my H and not seeing something that is still there...even though he says time and time again that its not...

How do you KNOW what he's telling her about working on marriage etc...while he's at work? What he tells you? Hmmmm....

Why not tell your H he needs to talk with his boss, explain the whole situation, and get OW and him seperated in some fashion?

Your husband yells at you? What do you say to him when he yells at you?

It seems to me that what goes on at work is not really in your control. But tolerating your husband to be disrespectful toward you--to yell at you for any reason-- is in your control.

Why not? They both did something terrible and immoral and dirty. If he can (has he?) accept that of himself then why can't he call her to accountability equally?

I agree with someone above about going together to WH's boss and requesting that the two of them always be separated with regards to work.

"OWL"

You are correct, the only way I know what he is saying to her is what he tells me....I don't know what else to believe...I sometimes feel like if I don't start putting some trust back into what he says and does then I will just push him farther away from our relationship....I understand that he made a big big mistake once....And as far as his boss is concerned, I don't think he would do that...I think that he feels he can control the situation all on his own, as long as I don't bring it up, things are great with us....

But its like I told him today...In order for us to continue to fix our relationship and make it better he has to start telling me things that are bothering him, and not just the good things....You see this morning battle started because I checked his phone, because I know that that she continues to call him when he is not at work...and today I simply left him a note so that he knew that I seen that she called, and like he says everytime I see that she calls...I told him to make sure he erases the name or hides the phone..because that will just make matters soooo much better....after he got that letter is when he called and started yelling at me....I simply calmly asked him why he continued to yell at me, that I wasn't upset, and I wasn't yelling at him....

He just kept stating how much he can't keep this crap going...and I told him, I hardly ever say anything about the whole situation...you see I can't even ask a question with out him assuming that I am accusing him of cheating or something....He yelled that he gets the grief from OW all day at work, about how she is just the loser and ****** that lost everything and how much she would just love to HATE him and that I don't deserve him...etc....I simply asked how come he listens to her...because had that been me saying stuff like that he would have done walked away....or something....

I just don't know what else to do at this point...Sometimes I feel like as long as I don't say anything about the A, and just ignore the fact that I know they work together still, and that she is continuing to say crap at work....our relationship will continue to get better, but on the other hand, I don't feel that its being fair to myself.....

HELP

-----------------------
ME: 28
H: 28
D-Day: 09/04/06
Status: UNKNOWN

I really don't know why he would never say anything like that to her....or maybe he just won't say that around me....I really don't know....

Well he works as a bus mechanic and she is a dispatcher...so I don't know how they could not work together....

Why are you letting him suck you into this foolish vortex? If you want to check his phone, then check his phone. If he leaves it hanging around then he is not hiding anything, right?

If you want to talk about the A then it seems to me that you are entitled to ask to do so, as long as you ask in a respectful way. If he choses not to, what can you do? You cannot control him. But you should have some boundaries and not let yourself be yelled at for asking.

This woman is sexually harassing your H and he needs to report her to HR. He needs to tell them that he was in a relationship with her and it started in the workplace. It was consensual and welcome when they were in the relationship but he ended the relationship and she continues to harass him and it is not welcome or consensual. If HR knows their stuff, OW will be in deep hot water.

Regards,

BB

LF,

As has been stated here, your marriage simply can not recover while YOU have to DEAL with the FACT that your H sees OW EVERYDAY at work. You simply can not know what goes on between them when you aren't there.

IF your H wants to recover his marriage, what is taking him so long to find another job? This situation is very dangerous to your marriage.

Who

Great big red flag here!

I am going to be blunt here -
either he is still involved with her, and feels guilty. or he is right on the edge of becoming involved with her.

You are his WIFE. He should be protecting you from harm. You can not just "start trusting him". He has to work at building that trust, and frankly, it doesn't sound like he is doing it.
please, do not just ignore this and hope it goes away.
his yelling at you is a clear sign that he is trying to hide something.

I believe based on your words that your H has either started the A again... or it never stopped. I also feel that neither one of you are taking steps to take care of your M. No contact should have been a boundary for you and yet each day he goes to work with this tramp.
Transparency should also be expected... yet he gives you a hard time when you check up on him.
This situation could be different tonight if you make it that way... let him know that the job has to go immediately. This is NOT a POJA issue. NC is the cornerstone of recovery. If you won't insist on it, expect that he will most likely be getting os in the parking lot at work during lunch breaks.

AMEN MEDC.....

Also, unconditional surrender is what is needed on behalf of WH....Does he really think you should trust someone who has had sex and stated his love for someone outside his marriage and then lied to you over and over again. What a putz to think this. He is wayward at least in thought if not still getting it from OW.

I am trying not to let him suck me into this foolish vortex....believe me him yelling at me does not stop me from checking his phone...and its like I told him before....i will continue to check it as long as i feel he is hiding something....

He doesn't yell at me for asking about the affair, its more like he is yelling at me for asking in a way that makes him feel I think he is still having the affair...

womenoffaith..

Do you think its possible for my H to not be involved with the OW, but still work with her?

Ok, all of you believe that he either never stopped the A or has started it again, how on earth could I find it out...I know that asking him is not going to work...because I know that I will never get the true answer, also....the whole thing about him yelling and it being signs that its hiding something, I went along with before and it was a nightmare....I guess I need some new ways to find out if the A is really over or if its still happening....

What part of no contact is tought ot understand. NO CONTACT! HE NEEDS TO LEAVE THAT JOB IMMEDIATELY.

Finding new ways to snoop is not the answer....the ow is a cancer to your marriage. Do you want to find a way to manage the cancer or get rid of it?

Your life could change today if you had the courage to make it happen.

I understand everything about NO contact...I guess my problem is...he tells me that there is nothing going on, and that they are able to work together with nothing going on....and I want so badly to believe him.....

THEN YOU ARE DOOMED. It is NOT your job to trust him right now... it is HIS job to earn trust. And trusting someone that is still in contact with his affair partner is lunacy. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Even if there is nothing happening now, it will happen. You are asking an alcoholic to sit in a liquor store 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. That is NOT a plan for success.