I am not sure what to do. My wife has had an affair with someone that she worked with. She started suddenly drinking alcohol which she never did, staying out late with “people from work” , going on business trips. She stopped having sex with me and used any chance to put me down. Telling me I am not a good provider ( I don’t earn enough money), she had changed her priorities and grown and I had not. I sort of knew at this time that something was probably going on, but I stuck my head in the sand. I realize now that when she was putting me down, she was comparing me to the guy at work. I finally stumbled across some phone calls that jumped out at me. 6 phone calls on Christmas to a number she told me was a work number when I had asked her on a prior occasion. I then looked in her work bag and found a box of female contraceptives, obviously not intended for use with me.

I let her know I knew she was having an affair, but she denied it. I dropped it and stuck my head in the sand again. Within a few months she said she wanted to have kids and we have since had 3 ( twins and then a baby). The hurt I felt has never left and has progressively gotten worse until I finally confronted her again a few days ago. Based on our schedules I really did not believe that an affair was still going on as she does not go out anymore and our time is really tight with the three kids. When I confronted her she finally admitted to having been in an inappropriate relationship with someone at work. She said she had been seduced by him. He apparently treated his wife very well ( called her constantly, gave her nice gifts.) and that impressed my wife. Then he started putting some of that attention to my wife and she fell for it. He has since switched jobs where he didn’t work with my wife anymore and then broke it off with her. He then later left the company. My wife said that “he used her.” The way this ended and her obvious anger towards him has me confident that she was hurt by him and would have left me for him if he would have left his wife.

She says that she wants to work this out with me and seems willing to sit down and talk through things. She still is not being completely honest as she says that they never had sex, but I find that impossible to believe.

One of my biggest fears has been that the kids may not be mine. I love them very much. She, of course, insists that they are mine. Should I get a paternity test? Should I tell her I am doing it? Should I insist that she gets tested for STD? I read in one of the letters that sex in affairs seldom use rubbers. I want to make the marriage work, I am just very confused

Hi sad.

Others will be along to help you out shortly.

On the paternity test, you can do it without involving your wife. Here is a reliable company - http://www.dnaplus.com/

Simple, quick and inexpensive.

Gimble

Welcome to MB, and sorry you are here. I would INSIST on a paternity test, just to ease your mind. Of course, the problem is, you will love your children no matter who the father is.

I would also ask her to get tested for STD's. For some strange reason 99% of affairees DON'T use protection. It is like they are stuck in a time warp before AIDS.

It is good that your wife wants to make the marriage work. I would let her know about the tests you want very calmly and without anger or judgement. She will probably be very angry, but will get over it.

Then you can start working on your marriage together.

And by the way, it wouldn't hurt to do some of the things that she liked about the other man.

I have a different take on the paternity test issue. You see, I'm adopted. All five of the kids in my family are adopted. My twin and I were adopted together back in the day when no one would have thought twice about separating twins. (My parents wanted a boy-as they had two girls already. My dad's off hand comment that "if he were twins, we wouldn't mind" kept my twin and me together. My dad is an identical twin so at least he knew what he was getting into <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ). And my DD25 is adopted.

Only you can decide if you need to know if they are yours by biology-but if they are yours in your heart, does it truly matter? This is just my opinion on that one issue.

Have you read the links on the side of the page? Those may help you with some of your confusion. Also, marriage counseling would be a good idea as well.

Another reason to take the paternity test. It represents the beginning of restoring your trust in your wife's words. Has she explained the birth control after she stated that there was no sex?

I have found out some more and apparently the affair lasted 2 years. It ended when OMW got pregnant and OM started seeing less of WW (didnt stop altogether until OM change of jobs and then change of company).

She insists that they only kissed even though they were on business trips together and such. She also claims that she had the contraceptive box and was tempted to use the contents but did not actually do it.

She says they discussed it and decided not to take that step out of respect for their spouses. Granted, OM did dote on his wife, but my wife treated me very poorly throughout so I find it impossible that any thoughts for my feelings could possibly have entered into her mind. Particularly when you talk about the length of the affair.

do I keep harping on this with her trying to get her to admit it, or should I move on. It is really troubling me that she wont admit it.

I am going to get the paternity test done. her lack of truthfullness about the sex in the affair is making me doubt her timeline of it ending.

I understand your feelings about it not being important who the actual biological father is when there is already a loving partental relationship, but part of me is very stressed about this.

I know I am going to continue to stress about it.

Could she also use it against me later. I could get blindsided if our marriage does not work out and their is a fight for custody.

Maybe I am just venting , but I keep thinking about telling the OMW. It has supposedly been over for a while, but I keep thinking that I am the only one who has suffered from this. I would like the OM to suffer a little to. unfortunately, that would mean making the OMW suffer as well.

Also, would that create more anger from my wife. We are trying to work this out.

We are working on this with a lot of hugging and talking and I believe that she wants this marriage to work. She still has not admitted to there being sex in the 2 year A. I can only guess she thinks I will be angrier and so does not want to admit.

As a result, i dont think she is being honest and so am having issues starting to trust what she is saying. Should I get her to post here? I ordered the "surviving the affair" book this week, but it has not arrived.

Am going to order the Paternity test kit today.

Also, am having what I assume to be "panic attacks". I just find that breathing is becoming more difficult ( like I cant take in much air at a time) and I feel very anxious. It usually only lasts for a few minutes, but it is happening a number of times a day. Has anybody had this? Should I talk to a dr?

SaC51,
I was in a similar situation. You are hurt, confused and want to "straighten this out'. You have already order SAA, good work. I'd also look into His Needs Her Needs (HNHN) and Lovebusters (LB). These books are to help YOU do what YOU need to do in order to achieve YOUR goals. Please keep that in mind...you'll need to read Lovebusters, but it is a disrespectful judgement for you to think you can or should "correct" her behavior, whether that is conducting an affair to lying to you about it.

About your anxiety attacks, talk to your doctor, he may wish to try you on anti-depressants.

For getting your life back to where your are comfortable with it...Have you decided what your goals are? Do you want to try to repair your marriage or would you prefer to move on and avoid someone who would betray you in this way?

As far as whether or not she is being 100% honest with you, she is probably not. I mean she is surely embararrased that you found out, she is probably smarting from NOT being the one that her OM chose, she is probably still blaming YOU in part for the affair. What this really means is that she is ot yet in a place where she trusts you to handle the truth in a way that is not harmful to her. She is protecting herself form what she thinks you will do. You can't change her mind, you can show her that it is safe to be honest with you and you can let her know that you cannot remain in a dishonest marriage. Make sure you articulate this in terms of you protecting yourself and your kids from further dishonesty. But if you really want the truth, you will probably need to give it time, and let it happen, you can't force the truth from her. Mrs GF still paints the picture of her affair as some sort of accident and that it was dying out when I exposed, due to their mutual concern for their families. This is not consistent with other information I have developed in my snooping, but if it allows her to save some face, it's not that big of a deal. That the affair is over, that this remains the truth is the big deal to me.

P.S. On the paternity test, it may set you mind at ease, it may cause further anxiety. Only you can decide if the benefit is worth the risk. If you think there is any possibility of a D though, I would get it so you are not blindsided in any custody proceedings.

Panic attacks are awful. There are meds for them that work well. I suggest you get them. Although the panic attacks are very frightening, they will not harm you. But the fear of them can lead to agorophobia (sp?). You might also be hyperventilating, which is not expelling all the C02 before gasping for another breath. There are relaxation/breathing exercises that help.

Here at MB, we believe that the other betrayed spouse should be told of the affair. They deserve to have information about their life and marriage. Also it tends to aid no contact. So my advice would be to let her know.

Until you see a doctor, exercise will help with the anxiety, so you might give that a try.

sadandconfused51,
Don't make the same mistake that I and others have made. You absolutely must expose the A to the OMW. Not only does she deserve to know, but it is one of the most important things to do in ending an A and making sure it doesn't happen again. It was the hugest mistake that I made after DD1,and the main reason that DD2 was able to occur. I didn't discover MB until after DD2. I can't express the regret that I have in not telling OWH right from day 1. Don't make that mistake. Also, your W could very well still be having A with this guy and if not w/o the OMW knowing, there is much more oppurtunity that they could pick up where they left off. Also, OMW may be able to provide you with info. that your W is not being honest about. Expose Immediately!!!

Believer, probably a stupid question, but do i just see my primary dr and let them know I am having panic attacks? You dont need a specialist or anything?

GF, thanks for the reply. I understand your allowing her to save face, I am just having difficulty with it. I "believe her" (as much as I can right now) that she is not having the affair still, but how to know for sure. When I think back to how much lying had to take place for them to carry on the A for 2 years, it breaks my heart.

How do you ever know that anything ever said again is the truth?