How is everyone doing? Since I am having a not-so-good morning...Feeling alone...I have a question. For the last couple of days, since I confronted my wife about the email she sent for OM regarding a job, she has been distant. Our conversations were beginning to be great and could feel us getting closer before I confronted her. Now I am regretting it. However, she spent all night last night at our friends house from church who she revealed the A to, and won't tell me anything they talked about (and said she never will). I know that we have an agreement with our pastor to not talk about anything regarding our M until I get home. It still kills me sometimes because I want my best friend back. The one that I shared everything with and vice versa. Some days I wonder if it is too much, and somedays I feel like it is cake. When does this feeling go away? When does a sense of normalcy return?

You are going to suffer until you can go home in August. There just isn't much you can do from where you are. So I would expect a lot of torment until you can go home. It will make you stronger though.

Don't worry about her being distant. That is very normal. In fact usually they are angry.

In answer to how long, it takes about 2 years before you get fairly over betrayal, and even then it still hurts. But it DOES get better. I promise you that.

Good news that she is talking to someone from church. Usually they avoid that.

I hate the whole one day, "Ilove you", and the next day not a darn word. It is like a knife. I am very glad that she is spending time with our friend from church, who doesn't put up with BS (doesn't stand for betrayed spouse either LOL). I am already stronger than I was a couple of months ago, but the torment is he$$...

Just keep venting here. We're used to it. We won't hold it against you.

I don't understand what they have to be angry about??? They got to have sex whenever they wanted it, got to lie all the time, and no reprocussions...BTW, when do they start dealing with reprocussions from their A??? How do they react to reprocussions in MC??? Does it make them angry, or feel like dirt?

Typically an MC will not blame the WS too much - at first. Often they try to "rope them in" with kindness and understanding. Meanwhile you are sitting there thinking WTF?!?!?!?

It's all part of the process.

Eventually the MC will go for their jugular. But by then the relationship has been established and the confidence built.

If your WW goes to MC and MC starts attacking from day 1, WW will never go back to MC.

Guess that does make sense. She changed her email eccount completely and it is killing me not being able to look at it. I need to get over it. Is snooping considered a love buster? I need to get more confidence in myself and not be afraid to lose her...I guess she needs to start being afraid of losing me. how pissed will she get (or should I care?)when I start redirecting most of my money this month, and should I be honest with her about it. I will leave her enough to take care of bills and the kids, but don't want her to have access to the rest of it...

No. Getting caught is a love buster.

Yes you should be honest with her. If she gets pissed, you shouldn't care.

But can I ask why you are doing this? I'm not saying you shouldn't. I just want you to make your motives clear. You have had so many threads going, I still don't understand what all is going on.

Well, i started this thread to eliminate everything else. Now, here is the situation, I really haven't saved much this year, becuase I have been paying off bills, and her spending (due to the A I'm sure), but need to be prepared either way for what happens when i get home. See, originally we planned for me to come over here for two years (probably her A was going on then and that is why she was so eager to get rid of me) so that the second year we could save for a house (but also revealed to me that she was telling OM she was getting a divorce from me). But now I know that will not happen and need to fix my marriage. But I want to have some decent change in the bank for whatever comes my way (marriage or divorce and starting over). I truly believe because of what God has shown me, that my marriage will survive, but she can make her own decisions as we all know. She will not see it that way, but will see it as betrayal (has in the past), and don't want to LB. I am just trying to protect what little time I have left over here, FOR US first and foremost.

I think as long as you are honest about it and explain your rationale, it is a prudent decision and one she can't get too angry about if she is sincere about wanting the M.

Remind her that if she does leave you, half of what you save will be hers anyway and it will be easier to start out her new life with the additional cash. And I WOULD go so far as to say that but I would be polite about it.

Affairs are expensive. Don't spend your money on her A.

Explain something else to me as well...Why is it when she finally admitted to me about the affair, that she was so apologetic and wanted to save the marriage and in her words, didn't want me abandoning her and the kids, and that did I know that she "really loved me while crying the whole time? Was that fog talk, or did she really mean that until the contact with OM a few days later(which it was back to, "don't love you like a wife should" and all that crud?? I refuse to spend anymore money on her A.

Nobody can answer that question for sure. I doubt even WW will be able to answer it for a long time.

But it wasn't necessary that she said it. She is probably scared. She is likely confused. I believe from what little we have talked about it that my WW had brief moments of lucidity even during the A. She told me she would find herself in OM's place and ask herself WTF was she doing? OM always qwelled her restless spirit however.

I guess I put so much stock into it, because I know my wife, not the alien, and when she said those things, it sounded and acted like my wife. I guess I have to stop putting so much stock into that and the, "I love you's" and continue to work on myself. I guess I just think that she will wake up one day and be like, "WTF?" I am beginning to understand why God made one of the Ten Commandments, "Thou shall not commit adultery." Before all this, she was the best mom, and for the most part a good wife, but you talk about double-mindedness. I don't understand how they don't see how selfish, and ridiculous their behavior is. I pray for my kids everyday (especially since they were calling me by his name when I would go on R&R) that God would release them from anything they saw regarding the affair. How can she not understand that either? I can never ever tell my family that my kids were calling me by his name. She would probably disappear. JK JK...Them being pissed at us is just amazing to me...

Who else can they blame? It's a short list.

Is it normal to think maybe I should do the same thing to her so she can get a taste of her own medicine...Not that I would (just don't have the heart), but to say it hasn't crossed my mind would be a lie...Is that just the anger???

ha ha ha ha...I did actually post on the wrong thread...Read it over there and meant to post back here...Whoops...That was kind of rude...

It's a little of both. But mostly you wanting to show her how badly she's hurt you.

When I went through the pain of my FWH's A, I exposed to OW'sH and we became friends and a united front. Interestingly, OW suggested the OWH and I sleep together so it would be even and she wouldn't blame him. It's crazy now, but at the time it was something that we could have reached out for because of the hurt. We just wanted to make the pain go away.

I, thankfully, had my head on straight and told him that while it might make us feel better for a moment, it would in the end, make US no better than they were. We needed to bring our WS up to our level, not let them bring them down to theirs. At that point, we were better than they were and WS hated that. Because it made them feel guilty.

So, no. do NOT have your own revenge A. Just isn't worth it in the end.

i couldn't do it anyway, I love my WW too much and would never forgive myself. All the crap my wife throws up to me about the stuff I have done to her, is stuff before we got married except for the porn which was about 4 years ago...it is amazing how they never forget anything, but yet the other day, she was like, can't you just let it (the A) go???

WRONG!

Never say "never".