You have to go to court to get a "restraining order". The court has to enforce it, which means if he breaks it you take him to court. You can get a "protective order" from your local law enforcement. If he breaks THAT, he goes to jail. However, unless your wife is willing to sign off on either one, I don't think you have the grounds to ask for one. (i.e., she had a relationship with him, she "invited" him into your home.) She would have to be the one that "swears" that she is in fear for her life or feels that he's a danger and wants to keep him away.

That is a good idea...How did you get over the mental image??? It is hard to get over the fact that she has slept with him in my bed...Why is that so hard to get over???

I'll talk to you about it in September. Right now you can't. You are just too far away. So deal with it as best you can.

Possibly. More likely is that the fantasy bubble is bursting.

Let's face facts here for just a minute. Wayward Spouses are accomplished liars, so you can be hopeful, but take NO words at "face value."

The "key" here is what she does, not what she says. So be supportive of her, but make it clear that if she is serious that she now must ACT, not just talk about, wanting to protect your children and to get out of this mess she's created.

Pio is right. One major concern that I have is that if he "manhandled" her in public (outside where the neighbors could see), there is a very real possibility of physical abuse. Since he's a drunk (as I think I recall from earlier in your thread), he's likely to be a "mean drunk."

If you can, put in a call to the Pastor to see if he can talk with her again and make sure that she really does want this guy out. If so, then have him help her get a Restraining Order served on this scumbag. If that happens, can she take a "vacation" and live with someone else, family, friends, etc. until you are able to get back home?

Having lived through the beginning stages of the "bubble bursting," it is very possible that her addiction will overpower her lucid thoughts, and she will go "back and forth" between wanting out and still seeing this scumbag.

An "accountability partner" is needed now if she is serious, not just to keep an eye on her but to be there as someone to call for any reason until you get home.

God bless.

(((((God_heals_all)))))

First, because it's "Fresh."
Second, because it was not rape, it was willing.
Third, because you are not in Recovery yet.
Fourth, because it's a sin against both God and you.

What can you do?

Unfortunately, not much, and certainly not much as long as she is still not ready to be done with the guy and in Recovery with YOU. About all you can do is "accept" the fact, "accept" that the pain you feel is real and justified, and attempt to put it into a "compartment" labeled "to be dealt with later." It's there, it's real, but you choose to NOT have to deal with it today. It's not easy to do because the "mental movies" have a way of pushing their way into your thoughts, but keep at it and it will get easier to function despite them.

God bless.

Fair enough....Thanks...

Well, you know, I thought my wife had turned somewhat of a corner yesterday, and guess what, I don't hear from her at all this morning. Said she was going to church, so I figured she would call me afterwards..Well, no call, so guess that didn't happen. I am so sick of this drama...here comes the anger again...

So why are you angry? Can you answer that question?

As far as OM in your house, that happened to me. The part that hurt me most of all was the loss of intimacy. My house - my bedroom - was something that only WW and I shared - until she invited OM in.

So at first I felt like the outsider. I was the one invading in their relationship. They had intimacy and I was looking through thw window. Once you get home, that balance will slowly begin to shift. It takes time. Some day you will get that intimacy again although it will never be quite the same as before. But once the dynamics have changed and OM is the fifth wheel in the relationship, it does get easier to cope.

Well, my wife finally called me and was at her friends from church...They were there late...Said, on her own that she is ready for NC...As to answer your question about anger, because I still can't fathom as to why we as BS's pay so much for the wayward's indescretion...But just glad she called and said that she loves me...

Great.

But you're not getting my point.

Think back through the past few hours. What EXACTLY made you angry? It will help you very much if you can understand why. I'm not buying this "life isn't fair" BS answer you're giving.

Now, exactly what is she willing to do to enforce NC?

[You're doing great BTW]

Her not calling is why I am mad I guess..It is still hard to get used to WS's actions...I want so bad to believe in her, but realize how much of a stronghold this is in her life...I don't want to enable her to use it as a crutch either...We really didn't talk about the perameters of NC yet, because she was falling asleep with me on the phone...As far as doing good, I am just trying to be the best person, husband and father I can be without creating LB's...

Nope. That's not it.

She doesn't call you all day long. And yet you aren't mad all day long.

Keep trying.

I really don't know why I am mad...Huh...

Maybe you don't. But you should learn.

One of the things I have learned here is that anger is a secondary emotion. It is caused by something else - another emotion.

You should try to learn what this "else" is.

Example: You're driving down the highway. Someone cuts you off. You get angry. Why? Was it the lack of respect another person showed you? Was it fear of an accident? Was someone not playing fair with you? What pissed you off? Where did the anger come from?

I could guess but I'm not going to because it would be just that - a guess.

But you already know. Somewhere deep down you already know. So what is it?

Anger is not the right word really either...it is more hurt, and I think that I am mistaking hurt for anger, or letting it manifest in the form of anger...Yes, it hurts my feelings when she doesn't call...It makes me fell like I am not important to her...it hurts...I still have trouble dealing with that emotion...I want it to go away...I am very glad she called today, but she wouldn't have know that from the way I was acting...Not cold, but just don't want to get my hopes up...Let me ask you this...Why is it we make sure that we don't "LB", but yet waywards do it all the time??? Just a question...

Because life isn't fair.

What's more important - getting even or getting your marriage back?

Okay. Better answer. You still love your wife. She apparently stopped loving you (or thought she did). So apparently you've been LBing her for a very long time without knowing it. Now she's returning the favor albeit in one massive dose.

It isn't about getting even, and you know I want my marriage back...I don't want to LB her at all...Here is another question...I don't understand how they stop loving you..I do understand the concept of withdrawing from LB (makes sense), but when they "stop" loving you (or is it because they are so hurt, they don't realize it is still there), do they actually stop, or is it buried underneath their "feelings" for OP?

GHA, think about this as one possible answer to your question. "Love" is most often thought of and referred to as "in love feelings." That's one of the reasons the most common statement from a WS is "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

Love has many definitions as you know. But when we are talking about "romantic love," which is primarily what MB and Emotional Needs focus' on, we talking about an emotional reaction that results FROM preceding "acts of love."

That's where the "Love Bank" concept has its roots and its strength. People can fall in "lust" quickly, but people fall in love gradually as they respond to how they are being treated by someone else. Hence, if you want someone to feel "in love" with you, you act in ways that say "I love YOU, I don't just 'lust' after you." No doubt 'lust' plays a part, as in Physical Attractiveness being an Emotional Need. It is also one of the reasons why we are told in Scripture to marry rather than "burn with lust."

But 'lust' alone is never "enough." It can be satisfied momentarily, but when FEELINGS are allowed to define "Love," it reduces love to the level of "animal attactiveness" and equates lust with love.

"Lust" cannot be sustained. It will whither and die and need to be satisfied again, but without the underlying real love, it will focus solely on "what I need" for an emotional high. In MB terms, the "Taker" blocks all the other things that say "you must give to receive" and focus' only on what you can receive. That's the "Foggy side of the mental street" that we see so often. That's the addictive side of trying to remain in an emotional "high."

Sin IS enticing and it often "feels good." Even when we know it's wrong we lie to ourselves and think that if it "feels good" it MUST be good.

As long as someone thinks that "I don't need no stinkin' God to tell me what to do," they are vulnerable. It is human nature to want to be "in control," so the concept of surrendering one's will (and desires) to someone else is often seen as "repulsive and demeaning" to MY right to CHOOSE what *I* want regardless of what anyone else thinks.

How many people who have accepted Christ, but don't "work" at maturing in the faith, do you know who have "backslidden" and "taken back" control of their lives, even to the point of seeming to put God on a shelf in the closet, to only be taken out for "show" or when they think they can "use" religion to get them something?

Paul put it very clearly that we all struggle with the "flesh." We KNOW what we should do, "the mind" is willing, but the "flesh" is weak. The things that I know I should do, I don't do. The things that I know I shouldn't do, those are the things that I want to do.

"God didn't really mean what He said, go ahead and follow your feelings and you will be in control, the "equal" of God."

So, because Love is much more than than "just" feelings, for a WS there IS love that has been supressed and made subservient to feelings. As the "glow" of lust begins to fade, the underlying REAL components of true love begin to be see again. That is why affairs almost always fail at some point. If the original spouse actually WAS providing the "other acts of love" and the partner in adultery has issues that begin to surface as their need to get their lust satisfied has been satisfied, and if the BS has been acting in loving ways, (Plan A), attempting to meet other Emotional Needs that are REAL and important parts of the overall "Love Bank" that eventually engenders feelings of love, the WS begins to see the "fantasy bubble" of adultery begin to break. The "fog" begins to part and the reality of what lies beyond the fog begins to be seen, and the "warmth" of the sun begins to be felt.

It "feels good." Eventually, the fog WILL lift, and the rays of love will be felt, absorbed, and will stimulate the WS to "want more."

But what of the BS and THEIR need to "feel loved" while they are waiting out this process? They have all along based their concept of love on MORE than just "lust." The are able to endure, to "hold off" anger, etc., BECAUSE they already know that love is much more than "just feelings."

It DOES still hurt, because they also know how special marriage and fidelity is. But they are also willing to fight "for what is right," win or lose, they will "go down fighting." They recognize that THEY, themselves, are NOT "in control" of anything or anyone but themselves. So they DO, they make the changes in themselves that are needed for their own well-being and for a marriage's well-being.

GHA, you were not in control of your wife when you were dating. But you chose to act in loving ways even if it didn't seem as though it was being reciprocated, at least initially. ROMANCE her when she BEGINS to respond positively. You are NOT looking for "Quaker Instant Marriage," you are looking for a lifetime of true love. Be patient. Take the time to prepare a meal worth having that will sustain you both for a lifetime, the Fillet Mignon that takes careful work to prepare versus the momentary filling of a hunger with a "fast food" burger that leaves you "wishing you had a steak instead."

And don't forget to have some things that make YOU feel good in other ways. It helps to "balance" things and keep you from depressing thoughts like "I'm doing all the work and not getting any good feelings in return." So do yourself a small favor that you might find makes you feel good for a while, that is decadent and "unnecessary," go have a large Chocolate Malt (not a Shake, the REAL deal!)

God bless.

Hang in there, it WILL get better!

That part is a confirmation to me as to why I need to keep doing what I'm doing...I realize I made the mistake of trusting my mom by telling her...They have a bad history and don't like each other very much...My mom told me to get rid of her [censored] and get somebody who appreciates me more...Rich coming from someone who is having an EA on my step-dad...I told her, unlike you, I don't live my life based on feelings, but on what God tells me to do...She is a Christian, but has always lived her life "emotionally", like my WW, and does "what makes her happy"...i don't want that to be me and end up divorced three times and possibly a fourth...I understand everything you said about love, and made sense....Thank you for the explanation...

GHA - for your greater understanding, and for your mother and wife for "correction, rebuke, and training in godliness, read Romans Chapter 6.

Misusing liberty in Christ is indicative of a carnal believer, not of one who is surrendered to, and growing in, humble obedience to the one who IS Lord and has the right to command rather than simply "suggest" because HE bought and paid for us with the "ultimate price."

God bless.