Mine is a long story (as are most) but I will try to keep it brief...we've been married for 12 years, 2nd marriage for both. Never had a great sex life, and after infertility treatments about 8 years ago, my H (unknown to me) decided he wasn't pleasing me and we basically stopped having sex. I tried to get him to talk about it, but he never would and eventually I just accepted that once or twice a year was all I would get, but felt very unfulfilled, unwanted and undesireable. But he was very attentive outside of the bedroom, a gentleman on every other level.

About 1 1/2 years ago I met someone quite by accident that sparked something in me...and eventually we had an affair...filling a need I had pushed aside for many, many years. My H found out, of course was very angry, and admitted to me why we never had sex was because he felt inadequate and it was easier for him to just not have sex than talk about it. We owned a company together at that time (we have since sold it) and we agreed to try to work things out, partly because he said he didn't want to lose me and partly for the business.

I have tried to stop seeing my OM, but after several failed attempts we are still together. My H thinks the affair was over a year ago. And now here comes the really confusing part...
since January my H has become physically and mentally abusive. He has terrorized me for hours on end, then apologized and said it won't happen again, but it does. He balckmailed me into staying with him - if I left he would let the company fall apart so there would be nothing left to sell - but denies that was emotionally abusive. I never thought I would ever be afraid of my husband, but I have been often in the last 6 months. He has threatened to leave on several occasions, most recently he took his clothes, guns and 1/2 our cash and said he didn't know when he was coming back, but in the end never left. And of course every fight comes back to (is justified by) me having an affair.

I am still in the process of closing out the books for our company, which I hope to have done by mid July, and we have a year committment to help the new owners. But I have seriously considered leaving or asking him to leave. I have talked with my dr. and a local womens shelter, I have an escape plan if needed.

Oustiders looking in would never guess we have had these issues, we are seen by many as a perfect couple.
I have continued the affair (maybe addicted, but I feel much more safe with the OM than H) and would appreciated comments/help with what to do next.

Dump OM now and have NC with him for life. I know you don't want to hear this, but you are addicted to him and he is the worst kind of human being imaginable for sleeping with a married woman, even worse than your husband is acting right now. Do you realize that infidelity is more traumatic than rape? It is the worst experience you could ever endure. Your husband probably knows or suspects the affair is still going on, and that is why he has been acting so abusive lately. Sure, it doesn't excuse his behavior, but it does explain it. If you need to get away from your husband for a while, do so, but you need to end it with OM right away. After things settle down for a while, you need to tell your BH that you are committed to making this work, confess your affair, get some MC and IC, and work on your marriage again. Of course you feel safer with your OM right now, but that is because you are with him emotionally, not your husband. If you remove your attachment from OM and start growing it with your husband, you will grow attached with him and not have to feel guilty about what you are doing.

But regardless of what you do with your husband, you need to end it with the OM. He is a piece of garbage and nothing good will ever come out of that relationship

jmwc95,
thank you for your response, but you are obviously still too angry about your own situation to be objective about mine.
BTW - have you ever been raped? I have, and I've been cheated on, and believe me you don't know what you're talking about!

You of course know that your affair is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. It is likely that you and your husband do not have a relationship that can endure while you are involved with another man. It is just plain, impossible. You can’t have both and your current post supports that view.

How is it do you think that your husband has become abusive, not so much what he is doing but the whys behind it. What has happened to him? Was he ever abusive in the past? What changed? Do you think that he knows that your affair is ongoing? You had described this man as a gentleman in every way and now after 12 years you fear for your life.

I suspect that he knows more about your ongoing affair than you realize.

There is NO excuse for abuse and you must do whatever is necessary to protect yourself from physical harm. Be that as it may, your own code of conduct is destructive in of its self.

Mr. G

Ok - another one that does not like to hear how wrong they are and what to do about it so they transfer the blame to others such as the first line above.


Your assuming that Jim has never been rapped. Maybe he has maybe not, but don’t judge him before you know

Mr. Goodstuff,
thank you for your much kinder reply.

Yes, I know my affair is wrong, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to stop seeing him.

I don't know why my H has become abusive...but I will tell you that it started after he had gone to several private counseling sessions (which he has stopped). It was, and still is, a shock to me. However, I think withholding sex for all those years is abusive in itself. Thank you for saying there is no excuse for abuse.

I really don't think he knows I am still seeing the OM, because if he knew he would have confronted me about it.

Margie... you aren't looking at this from our perspective (as BS's). You know what the RIGHT thing to do is, you are just hoping that someone will tell you that it is ok that you are having an affair.

You *are* addicted. But you are not willing to face that yet.

Your husband needs you. Needs you to help HIM work through what is a BIG issue for him. And instead of helping him, you simply sought out your own needs elsewhere.

I do understand where you are coming from. But you are wrong in telling everyone else that we don't understand or that we are wrong.

Rightnow, the only people you'll listen to are those who will agree with you, not people who will be honest and tell you the truth. The truth that you KNOW but are currently chosing to ignore.

Rape? Infidelity is can be worse than rape. So, in essence, (forgive the harsh analogy)::: you are raping your husband. Raping in the sense that you are stripping his marriage away from him. The pain you are causing him now is as bad, if not WORSE, than the pain you endured being raped. I am NOT negating what you went through at ALL. Only trying to put it in terms that you can understand. Your husband is hurting as badly as you did. And he NEEDS you.
Until you face the fact that you are wrong and what you are doing is wrong, then we can't help you.

Maybe2late,
I wasn't judging Jim, I was asking him a question.

I never said I haven't done wrong...I freely admit it, but I didn't post on this forum to get beat up. I'm asking for advice, so if you're not going to give me any please just don't reply OK?

What would "make" it easier? Maybe if he smells bad or had found another OW? What more do you need than IT IS WRONG & BAD to have an A? You know the true, you just don't want to end it and your looking for excuses.



There is NEVER an excuse for being abusive. You need to call the police and file a complaint. You also need to get the guns out of the house ASAP.

The only way to move on past this is to have NC for life with OM. You can do that starting today. You will also need to tell your H all about the A you are in.

I'll tag on to my prior reply: if you are being abused, all bets are off. That changes everything.

The last session was all verbal/mental about 3 weeks ago. He acts like everything is OK in between sessions, and then explodes again.

Please explain "that changes everything".
thanks.

well, one thing for sure would be if I wouldn't have done something really dumb...the OM was having money issues and I took a loan out (7500) in my name to help him out, but it is mostly still not paid back. And I have no way to pay it back myself without my H finding out...and if he finds out I'm scared for what he might do to me...
but please don't beat up the OM about it, the loan was my idea (but of course he did accept the $...)

That means that you cant recover from an A and work on your M until the abuse stops.

Here you said: "since January my H has become physically and mentally abusive." You need to get help. Don' turn to the OM either.

You need to get help with the abuse

Get the guns out of the house

NC with OM for life

This is just a wild guess, but it might be because you have been raping him for years. Adultery is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child, except WORSE, because the crime is committed by a supposed "loved one." Rape victims do tend to get testy when the abuse goes on year after year.

And not only do you continue to rape him, you lie to his face and tell him you are not, a form of GASLIGHTING. See, you have compounded the crime by lying to him.

Many even have NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorders from ongoing affairs. Did you know that?

So, the first step is to tell the man the truth so he can take steps to protect himself from you. If he knows what you are doing behind his back, he can better protect himself from your cruelty and sick manipulations.

You have no right to keep your affair a secret from him. To do so is cruel and manipulative and dangerous. This is information about his own life to which he has RIGHT TO KNOW.

Take a gander at what psychologist and adultery specialist, Dr. Bill Harley has to say about adultery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3261867

maybe2late,
do you think I should ask him to leave?

Margie --
I suggest you end both relationships.

There is no way I would advise you to stay with an abusive husband.

And I also suggest that you end your relationship with OM because it is unhealthy for you. I had an affair. And speaking from that experience, I nearly destroyed myself with hatred for what I did to my own character and integrity.

It wasn't until I broke free of that relationship -- and took a good hard look at myself and what kind of person I wanted to be -- that I started healing.

You won't respect yourself until you end the affair. Deal properly with ending your marriage, THEN heal and move on to other relationships when you have dealt with your issues.

Your H has a right to know about the loan since he may be on the hook for it. But you should pay it back yourself. He should not pay back one penny of it.

Do you have a job?

You should leave, he is not the one having the affair. Tell him the truth with a witness, if you fear violence, and then leave. Have your bags packed beforehand.

Listen - I'm not an expert on abusive relationships, all I know is that for one spouse to abuse another in any way is wrong. You need to get help. You mentioned a shelter? I bet they can help you out with your H.

Second to the abuse is your A. You know you need to end it with this OM. All you need to do is write a no contact (NC) letter to him. In this letter you tell him that you never wish to talk, see or hear from him agian. ***Then you have your H read it and mail it***

If you are in fear for your life then you need to get away. Until and unless your husband gets help then you can't even begin to work on your marriage. HOWEVER, whatever your husband is doing or has done is no excuse to continue your adultery.

If you really want out of this marriage then do it the right way. Get a divorce FIRST, work out your own issues and THEN seek a relationship with a healthy person (not someone who is willing to sleep with a married woman).

As for the loan, are you staying in the relationship with OM because you're afraid he won't pay you back if you dump him?