The end has started. I gave her the divorce forms yesterday. Told her she needs to fill them out and take them to the courthouse. The first thing she said was "why? what happened?" Hmmm I wonder what happened.

I'm giving her one week. If she doesn't file, or want to try to work on us again, then I am filing. This really hurts, but there is no other choice. I can't live like this anymore. I have to let her go. I have to die to what I want. Or else this will just consume me.

Thanks,
Rummi

Rummi,

Why don't you tell her why and what happened and how you feel? You might as well be honest with her and let her know how her actions and words have hurt you. It may help nothing, but it will help both of you in the future to have cleared the air. Be kind, be civil, be focused on the information you want to convey, and be nonjudgmental.

Now that last one is probably got you scratching your head right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I mean don't blame her, simply tell her how her actions made you feel. You said this and I felt, that. You did this, and I interpretted it to mean that. I have struggling internally with how I feel because of...self-confindence, pain, conflicting feelings, etc.

Make it about yourself with input as to how you interpretted her actions and words.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

God works in mysterious ways... again.

I get a call last night around 8p.m. My wife is hysterical and crying. She was just rearended - again - on her way to play poker. The day she left, March 28, she was rearended. 4 months, 2 days later... and one day after I gave her divorce papers... it happens again.

My wife and I both went to catholic schools growing up. Neither one of us has been very spiritual, although I am moreso than her - my boss is a minister and I work in a very tight, religious company. When the first wreck happened, I saw it as a sign from God. She didn't believe it and would hear nothing about it. She told me last week that she went to church and prayed about our situation, asking for some kind of answer or sign. Neither one of us has gone to church in many years. I believe this was it, again.

Maybe she will see it this time and take it for what it is worth.

JL-

She does know how and why I feel the way I do. I have told her many times. What she doesn't understand now is that I have been trying and trying to get her back, plan A, plan A, plan A. And now I'm giving up. I've reached my breaking point.

I've asked her what does she want me to do. Sit here for years and wait for her to get whatever it is out of her system, then just take her back. She knows that I'll always be here for her, but I can't do it anymore without her.

Thanks,
Rummi

She has left it for what it is worth.

We got into the whole divorce issue last night. She wants 1/2 the value of the house or a buy out of all her credit card debt, full child support and full alimony. She is going to go for full custody of our son with visitation rights for me.

I never thought she would treat me this way. She knows what I can and can't afford. She is going to completely ruin me. She needs money to live and she is going to try to get it any way she can. She says she doesn't want this to get ugly, but she is not leaving me many options.

I guess it is really time to look at this legally and get myself protected. Very frustrating.

Thanks,
Rummi

Rummi

Stop. Breathe. Really, really, think about what is going on here.

WW is in FULL REACTIVE MODE. WW is reacting to the DV petition she was served with. WW was formerly in “cake eating” mode. Enjoying your support while she was “trying to figure things out”, now she has to REALLY consider the cost of her adulterous actions and it is a scary thing for her to contemplate.

WW telling you about what she is going to ask for in the DV is yet another attempt to put herself back in “control” of the current sitch. WW is attempting to scare you and get you to capitchulate to a DV on her terms.

Now the real question to answer here is for you to answer: Are you really done? Do you really have nothing left? No hope for reconciliation under any circumstances? I don’t get that impression. I think that YOU are REACTING to WW’s REACTION.

Reacting to WW is a dangerous behavioral pattern in this case that you need to break immediately. When you think about it, WW’s reaction to the DV petition is typical and predictable. YOUR expectations of her reaction are what are leading to YOUR frustrations.

Now with that said: What do YOU need in order to keep your family intact?

If there is truly nothing that would make you consider this then simply go through with the DV.

If there IS something(s) that you need to keep your family intact: Tell WW & family in a factual, non emotional, undemanding way. STOP talking DV with WW. That is what your lawyer is for.

Even if “papers” are in play this is not over until the final DV decree is signed. You can stop and / or hold this action at any point if you get what you need to consider reconciliation.

How are things with WW’s affair now?

Has the OM left?

Has there been any contact of which you / family are aware?

Is she still working or has she started school again?

Remember that even if the OM has gone your WW will still have to go through withdrawal from him. Withdrawal will likely take weeks or even months! WW will be unable to even start to think about your / family needs until she has gotten through this.

How are you doing with controlling your AO’s, DJ’s, & LB’s?

Since giving WW the DV papers are you still working on controlling them? Or are you just letting them fly?

Stay Strong!

Stopping, breathing, thinking.

No, I am not done. I will never accept this and just move on. I still love her and want her back more than anything.

A couple of things that I have learned since last week.... she has already had the DV papers for about 2 months now. She never said anything or filed them, because she was waiting for me to give up and end it. She didn't want to be the bad guy and hurt me. I believe that she never did anything with them because she still does have some kind of hope for us.

She quit her job last week. This sunday is her last day. There has been no contact with OM, of which I am very sure of. She starts school in two weeks. She mainly wants the divorce for money... single mother, going to school, gets financial aid..plus child support. She needs to feel she is on her own and capable.

I haven't talked to her about DV or trying to get her to come back. I'm just being myself and loving her. We had lunch togther Sat. and spent the day together yesterday. It went very well. We always get along great. We were very affectionate and close. In the end, we kissed, said we loved each other, and I went home.

Today we are going together to enroll our son in school. I am very excited about this. It is awesome seeing him growing up.

I still don't understand her. One day she is angry and the next she is not. But no matter what mood she is in, she always says that she does not want to come back.

I am still hoping, loving, and trying.

Thanks,
Rummi

She is filing for divorce today. I put my house up for sale last week. Not much else is new. Just getting by. I really never saw this turning out this way.

I love her and miss her more than anything... but there is nothing I can do about it.

Thanks,
Rummi

Divorce is a freight train barreling at you at full steam, and all you have to deflect it with is a wiffle bat.

Hey Rummi!

How are you doing?

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I've written. I've been really busy. My son started school on Monday. He kicked, screamed and yelled when we left him there. But then he didn't want to leave when we went to pick him up. He is really enjoying it and likes school a lot now.

My wife and I are somewhat dating/seeing each other again. We've been going out to lunch and dinner throughout the past couple of weeks. We both still love each other very much. She is no longer working at that job, it's been two weeks now. She started school yesterday, which I helped pay for her to get into.

These past two weeks have been very good between me and her, flirting, touching, and just being together again. Yesterday being the best.... as we were very intimate and close with each other... I jumped in the shower with her and she really couldn't do anything about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We went out drinking yesterday and talked a little about our situation. She is considering coming back home, but doesn't want to lead me on, or give me false hope. She has noticed the changes in me and asked me why wasn't I like this before all this happened. I really haven't changed that much, I'm just back to myself... the me that she first fell in love with when we met. She sees it, she knows it and now she is really thinking about it.

She says that she is still filing for divorce. She needs to prove to herself that she can be on her own, and be her own person. She says she is 90% done with the paperwork, but she has been saying that for a couple of weeks now. So I really don't know. Neither one of us has lawyers and we haven't said much about it.

I haven't moved out of our house yet. I have been packing and moving boxes into a storage unit. She doesn't want to see the house go, and neither do I. So I'm not rushing to get out of it.

Her grandfather just had surgery last week, lung biopsy. He is not doing good and may not make it another month. It is a down time for the family. I am there for her and them all. So I've been spending a good bit of time over there.

It has been a very emotional and busy time. But I feel good with the way things are between us. I feel good about myself and am still looking toward the future.

Thank you all again. I do still come here and read a lot. I just haven't had time to write much. I'll keep you posted on the way things are going, it is looking good.

Thanks,
Rummi

She's playing you for financial support.

Fight with every ounce of your soul or you will be played like a fool.

I didn't have an attorney at first and she was skewing everything in her favor and trying to sweet talk me into signing them by saying that we might just get back together after a trial divorce period.

Basically her papers only allowed me the clothes on my back.


If your's truly wants to be independent, then you should divide everything 50/50 and pay minimal CS so she can't finance an affair.

Bah... I know that I'm not being played, finacially or emotionaly.

You are right though, I am fighting. I am fighting for my family and our love. I am rebuilding her love for me. I see it more everytime I see her.

So many people tell me that I am wasting my time and just to let her go. File the divorce, forget her and move on with my life without her. I can't do that. Yes, somedays it is depressing and sad. Somedays I wonder if this is all worth it... still trying, still hoping, still being there for her. Then I think about what we had, and what we still do have together. And Yes, it is all worth it.

To me, Divorce is final. There is no going back once those papers are signed, no trial divorce. She still hasn't done anthing with them, because she knows that it will truely be over between us. She doesn't want that, I know it, and she knows it.

As for splitting everything 50/50. She will be getting nothing from me if it goes to court. She may not even get child support, as I can get primary custody of our son. I am very well protected financialy if it all turns this way.

I still love my wife and am still trying.

Thanks,
Rummi

That was exactly how I felt and still feel......my EX is the one who filed.....I told her anything is possible until you ask me to sign the papers for you to turn in. She called my bluff........I signed, that was it, and I never, ever looked back. To me that was the signal that she completely gave up.

Oh well, it was all for the better in my case. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Keep up the good work Rummi!

Rummi, I just read your thread... you are doing great...you have also received some great advice....

I just wanted to toss you some encouragement.... you are way ahead of where most people are in the time since D-Day.

You've done a great Plan A, and are on the right course... Keep up the good work!

SD

Hello everyone. Things are still progressing forward. I am dating my wife. It feels good to be close again. Not as close as we once were, but we still feel for each other.

I had a good weekend with my son and we all spent Sunday together. Had dinner and things went well. We both have our guard towards each other and we still have some trust issues we are dealing with.... me more so than her. I believe we know where we stand with each other as we are right now.

Something really bothered me last night though. Some friends and I were hanging out. These are close friends of my wifes and mine. They are also the friends that always went and played poker with my wife. We all start talking about everything that is going on.... and I hear things that I never knew was really going on.

Come to find out that I have a lot of people that really hate me. People that I have never met before. When things were not going well between us... when we had just split up... and somewhat afterward... she talked alot of ****** about me. Really just ran me through the dirt.

It was to people that she works with. Her players that she deals cards to. And to our friends. Our friends just ignored it as her anger because they know that it's not true and they know me. Friends say that I have people out there that if they ever saw me and knew it was me, they would probably come after me because of how badly she talked about me.

So it comes back to the trust thing that I am trying to deal with lately. I know I won't trust her as much as I did, but hearing all this and finding out more and more little things, just makes it harder. Again I never thought that someone that I love and loves me back, would treat me this way.

Now I'm thinking about what she still tells people about me. What she is still doing when she is off doing whatever. Trust is a hard thing to gain back. And I know it is going to take time for us both. It just really bothers me.

Should I confront her and ask/try to talk to her about any of this? Does it even matter anymore, now that our relationship is getting better? Should I just let it go and slowly build up the trust again? I really don't think I would believe anything she told me about it anyway.

Those are just some thoughts on my mind lately. Thanks for listening.

Rummi

Hey Rummi!

Good to here from you again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Don't sweat the "trash talk" she did about you. It's SOP for waywards and one of the ways she was justifying what she was doing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The ones who know you already know the talk for what it is... and the one's who don't know / interact with you... does it really matter?

Should you ever really start meeting with those folks then it will be YOUR (F)WW who needs to step up and do the damage control. This will be ONE of the ways that she can make amends / rebuild the trust.

Protecting you spouse is one of the basic rules of marriage building! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

There will be a time when you can address this issue but for now I would be concentrating on rebuilding your relationship with each other.

I think you're doing a great job and I like the sounds of the progress you're BOTH making.

Keep up the good work!

WTF-

Thanks again.. like always you seem to mirror my thoughts and reasure what I know I should keep doing.


Exactly! A couple months ago I would of flipped out and really screwed things up. But now, with the time that has went by... it doesn't matter. So I can let it go.

Thanks,
Rummi

I have kept up with your thread,,so glad you are keeping us updated,,lots don't and I wonder about them and how they are doing.

don't let what your wife has said about you get you down,,they do say horrible things,,,how could they tell people they have left a wonderful S for another? It somehow would not be right.

I am also a little concerned about your friends,,what was their purpose for telling you this? One of my major pet peeves is that I don't tell someone something for the soul purpose of hurting them,,If I need to tell someone something like that it needs to serve a purpose,,a need to know. So ignore that aspect of it,,that was in the begining when she had to do it to justify.

Hey Rummi!

Just thought that I would put out a call and see how you are doing this week?

Ups & down's ???

Progress? (Hopefully) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!