Hi,

short synopsis of my story, we had problems before, she had and EA and maybe PA but it was 5 years ago and ended . .though without open exposure. She always was looking for close friends .. often close to the edge seem to be addicted to this thrill and denger.

Now i see from her e-mails that her friendship with and older professional collegue is turning to a possible PA. I have no real proofs, his emails are poetic, not obvious where real memory ends and his fanatsies begins, but EA is quite obvious, also from her phone records. I do not want to admit to reading e-mails, one of many reasons is that she will change account and i will not now what is going on any more. We had some converstaions, she cried at the idea of stoping contacts, promissed to keep it "clean" without ever admiting any wrong doing. But he keeps his steamy e-mails and she clearly enjoys attention.

At the same time she is VERY loving calling me telling me how she needs me being really sweet and loving. I am trying to wait out till it will peter out but sometimes it really gets me, I am afraid my feeling will burn out. Yet I am afraid if I will put my foot down she will either go underground . or fall into real depression (we were there before) only to emerge with another friend.
The guy is very poetic very charming but i do belive physical attraction goes only one way , she does is not atracted to him physically but is addicted to his attention his deisres, his affection.

So far i manage to stay calm hoping for the best being good loving husband trying to make the best of her affection to me and returning it best i can. My effort to warn her .. failed she told me that given a choice she will stay with me ... but seem to be unable to wean herself off .. she told him couple times .. they have to be friends only .. only to back up to his repeated steamy e-mails teasing him back ... agreeing to meet for lunch and so on ...

sorry for rambling but it may at least help me ;-)
any advise?

Forward a copy of the emails to a safe account, print them out, and show their employer the email with instructions to keep him from harassing your W. If he is married I would give OMW a copy as well. You need to put your foot down now or this will develop further. Exposure is the tool to get this to end. Install a spyware/keylogger on the computer to monitor any "new" accounts that she creates. Identify her top ENs, start meeting them, and avoid LBs. Hint: her top ENs sound like conversation and admiration. Start figuring out how to meet those needs.

Thanks for the reply, it is not that easy so, they do not work together, so no employer to get involved, I do read e-mails but she clears them quickly so i have no solid record. Will sending them to his wife help? maybe ...

The problem is i am trying to work on her needs, without completely forgeting mine ... and it does not help .. even if i will force her to abandon this affair, she will be depressed (clinicallY as she was before) and then i will be only waiting for the next one .. when she will hide better ...

I do not want to give up on my marriage but cannot leave with it either ...

Not only will it help, it is a MUST...Do this TODAY...OM's wife deserves to know what her husband is doing to harm her behind her back...And it will get OM to BACK OFF...

And like Jim said, install a keylogger on her computer...that will keep you up to date on any password changes and you can freely monitor...She should always allow you access to any email accounts anyway...That is called TRANSPARENCY...that is important in any marriage, but especially in one that has suffered infidelity...

Mrs. W

YES!!! Send them to his wife.

First: read His Needs Her Needs. AND Surviving an Affair.

Next, install a keylogger. Keep close tabs on your W, she is ready for, if not already in, an affair.

My FWH had super steamy emails between his OW and he. You'll have to be vigilant and constantly foward those emails FAST.

Finally, get into MC. The end of the A will put her in a depression, but she is an ADDICT. Think of her that way. Help her get to recovery.

Thanks for advice, i keep thinking .. I did talk to her, not about e-mails .. just suspicions in general. She is really so full of signs she loves ME, on one hand it seems like a risky game is she does have an affair .. will she able to prove she is honest if she was able play this well.. on another .. what if she really loves me and this whole thing is just a fantasy. All e-mails are from him she is very sparse, and they all have this poetic fantasy tone. What if she sees it (for now at least) as a game, risky but still innocent. What if ti is a game. By exposing i will ruin what we have right not - she really is very loving every day and every minut of our life now .. and make it sure they will go underground with hatred to me ...

the e-mails i have is not really a proof .. but what proof will i ever have ???

Install a keylogger. She can't e-mail underground with a keylogger. Is this the kind of R you want right now? One where she gets her kicks from other men pursuing her? She may even get a high from it that keeps her libido running for you--is that what you want? It sure was not what I wanted. I wanted my H all to myself. I did not want three in the marriage, even if the third party was just there in e-mails and phone calls and with ow texting my h just to say "hi".

Of course, that is not where it usually ends anyway. It usually goes further. Maybe you have caught on to it before it has gone further.

Set your boundaries---again. Get this out in the open through exposure. She needs to figure out what it is that allows her to behave in this manner so she can stop it.

People can be very foggy about this kind of behavior. My FWH was sending those kinds of kidding on the square e-mails. A couple of them real little works of art. She was responding in kind. My FWH actually planned and met with her in secret, then dragged her back to the house to meet the family because he felt bad about what he was doing, telling me he had just "run into her" (old hs girlfriend). Then continued the flirtatious e-mail the following Monday.

If that's the kind of fog world you want to live in-go ahead. But since she has done this before, I think you should expose now while it is still apparently only an EA. Married men should not be doing that kind of [email]cr@p[/email] with married women. You know he is way out of bounds and she is too for receiving all of it. What, do you think she is maintaining deniability because she is not saying much back? That's [email]cr@zy.[/email]
Lake

The e-mails you have right now are proof. They are proof of an inappropriate relationship. Do you think his wife would be happy about them? Do you think his wife was looking over his shoulder as he was crafting them? Do you think he is telling his wife about them? "Oh, honey, I emailed tom's wife again today. Yeah, told her a few good ones to get her juices flowing-ha, here, let me show it to you.' Yeah....right. You know she does not know.

Just print them up, calmly get the keylogger in, then drop them off with OM's wife and calmly tell her that you don't think all of this is good for your marriage and also for her marriage. That way, she will start helping you watch them. And she has a right to know what is going on in her M.

If my FWH's old girlfriend had been married at the time, I certainly would have told him about their [email]cr@p.[/email]

Lake

Here's the thing...while keyloggers...copying emails...etc etc etc.....give you some direction..

the truth is that you are married to a person who thinks it is acceptable to invite third parties past the boundaries of what defines marriage....

that't YOUR reality...

so you have choices...

accept that is how how much she values marriage....
and is willing to engage in actions that cause you pain....
accept that
and create as happy as a marriage as you can...which some people do all the time...and it's your choice...

OR

decide that for YOU that it is not acceptable to be with someone who engages in such behaviors.....

and move in a direction that has you not living such a marriage...

if you choose the latter then you must wrap your brain around the potential outcome that you and her end up not together....

My effort to warn her .. failed she told me that given a choice she will stay with me

see here's the thing...
she chooses all the time..

every email
every lunch
every flirty little action....

is HER choice...

our actions define us...and he actions are not of someone who is cherishing their spouse...
nor forsaking others....

my advise....

state YOUR boundaries.

use I words only...

"I my dear wife possess no interest on this earth to be married to someone who flirts with others....blatantly ...
and while you can choose do so...I can choose to not live that way as well...

we all make choices dear...and choices always have consequences....

and extracate yourself from her...without ever once telling her what she should or should not do...

use language full of love and hope that you pray she becomes a person who doesn't use people to fullfill her perceived needs at any price...

in other words...her flirting...fills her need for attention...(cough cough )...at the expense of great pain for you...

tell her you are not willing to pay the price....

make all statements about you only...

never tell her she can't flirt on email..
always state it that you don't choose to be married to someone who flirts with others..

that you don't choose to put yourself in such a disrepected place...

etc
etc
etc
etc....

you know what she believes ...
you know that it is all set up to become a huge powerstruggle....

you hold great power in your own dignity and grace...


ARK^^

Truer words have never been spoken, Ark.

Do you mind if I put this post of your over on Langaan's? He is going through the same dang thing but only in a different stage of it (beginning).

Thanks guys for being there for me, even if you don't tell me what i was hoping to hear, you probably are right and i hope this will help me decide .. so far . I don;t wan't to do things that I will not be able to undo .. i guess there is always time for that.
Do you know any keylogger to reccomend? another problem is she might switch to using her work e-mail with i believe would be next to impossible to crack. And since she is already not typing much .. will keylogger help me see what she reads if her respones are short and sketchy?
thanks for being there and letting me vent .. what really scares me is how she is putting all on one card. She is so loving so sweet, so convincing .. that i wonder how i will be ever able to trust her .. if even being so good so happy she can be cheating ... btu I am not ready to divorce her ....
I agree she must be honest in her feeeling to me .. but they come from high she is getting from him ... but .. i can gie her love attention security .. but don't knwo how to give her that high .. i think it is only coming from the thrill of new forbidden .. from being on the edge or beyond ...

I am trying to hold of not following your unanimous advice .. trying to figure out what is going on reading Dr. Harley's material .... he is nto that sure that it is best to confront ... I am trying to look beyond the confrontation and how we wil live afterwards . or maybe I am just scared of it ...

so far once i told her .. at her prompting that I think what she is tellign me is not true and this iswhat makes me worrying, then as usual .. she got sad and depressed I felt better but we did not talk much beyond assuring ourselves that it will be o.k. she did say at one point .. "why do i always ahve to entangle myself into those situations" and I did not push .. just said I am sure you will be able to entangle it as well ...
Well maybe really his letter was more what he dreamed about and maybe she is tryign to have him as freind .. trying to cool down his inappropriate behaviors ... lets hope i will have to strangth to wait .. and courage to stop waiting if necessary