I found out about the middle of May that my fiance had feelings for another woman (same sex). I found out the day after Memorial Day that they had sex at some point.

I've just today found this site, while trying to find information on how to recover after infidelity. I can't believe how much of what she's told me is so common.

I know I could have done more things right, I wish I had seen the signs and made changes.

Anyway, is there anything I can do that will bring her back? Everyone says that because it's lesbian, that there's nothing I can do. I believe it's still pretty much the same thing as regular adultery though. She's getting something from someone else, that she's not getting from me. She's been fence sitting, weighing whether she is lesbian or not. She says she still loves me and right now we are still living together but in different parts of the house.

What can I do?

Thanks,
Chris

Chris,

Just a word of caution. If you want anonimity you might want to change your login name. Your situation is complex. You are right about affairs being pretty much the same whether they are same sex or not. And the approach would be the same, is my guess.

However, there are some real complications that don't exist in a hetrosexual affair. One is that the question of her sexual orientation means that she may be much more attracted to females than males. THis makes it VERY hard if NOT impossible for you to meet her need for a sexually attractive mate.

Other issue that complicates things is that when someone has an affair, the recommendation is to stay away from "opposite sex" friendships and relationships. However,if she is bi-sexual or leaning to homosexual, who can she have as friends, that both safe and useful to her?

Not an easy one, and not one YOU can address.
She may decide she is NOT a lesbian, but it is clear she is bi-sexual. That brings up the issue of protection of you, the relationship and of her own boundaries. She cannot avoid the whole human race.

Given that she has not ended the affair, and does not know her own sexual orientation my recommendation is that "what you can do" is to move on.

I know this is painful, and I know this is NOT the answer you want to hear, and I know in good consciousness I cannot offer you any better advice. You are not married, you are apparently engaged. There is a reason for engagements and that is to determine if there is enough love and if you two are compatible enough to be monogamous in a marriage. The obvious answer is no. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


I would also strongly recommend that you read the articles on this site, and yes even a few of Harley's books on relationships. This information will help you tremendously in the future, whether this relationship makes it or not.

I will also impart to you some information that has stood me in good stead for many decades. In a relationship especially a budding one as yours is/was,if you have to force it, it is very unlikely to work. Marriage does not solve problems, children do not solve problems. Second, whenever I have had to face a major decision in life, I have found that the decision has been made for me. All I had to do was look at the data and the "correct" choice was obvious. I could have gone the other way, but it was clear as much as I often hated what the data said, that there was a correct way.

You should do the same. I think the data will be clear. So have patience, be calm, and work your way through this. It is painful, but there are no short cuts.

I hope I have been of help.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Thanks for the heads up on the display name.

We are still living together for what? I don't know. I think she's waiting for me to kick her out. Also, we do have kids, she has a 14 yo. from a prev. relationship, and together we have a 6 yo.

I've considered what living with a lesbian would be like, until our 6 yo. is old enough (12 years though ...). We've already been together for 8. The engagement has gone on already for 6 years. I was previously married and was unfaithful, reading things on this site really struck a chord with me. The 6 years is probably both of us being scared.

You're right in that I need to move on. You're also right that it's hard and painful. My financial future is at stake as I can't afford to pay my part for my daughter and will be forced to find a way (sell the house, sell the motorcycle ...) get a second job (which will take away from my time with my daughter). When I look at the data, the answer is two fold, stay to make sure my daughter gets what she needs, move on to make sure I get what I need. Some people can make this decision very easily. My daughter is more important than I am, and she needs my strength and emotional stability (both of which will be drained if we move out), and both of which will be strained if we don't move out.

It's not an easy decision to make. I still love my fiance and she says she still loves me.

I just don't know how to decide what to do. Sometimes I think it's up to her, others, that it's up to me. I can only decide for myself what is best for me. I just wish I knew how my daughter would turn out based upon either decision. She's such a great kid and all this crap is already affecting her.

Chris,

If it is affecting your daughter, then find a good counselor and get her there. She probably needs someone to talk to even at that young age.

As for your W, if she loves you she will not do this to you. Your W has decisions to make as well and I think it is probably time you two really talked. Your W's actions are hurting your daughter and perhaps her child as well. They are hurting you.

My guess is that if after all of this time you two have not married but did have a child, that some serious things were hanging up things. Some on your part, and clearly some on your GF's part. I would also strongly suggest counseling for both of you as well, but choose your counselor carefully, many are not very good.

Keep looking at the data and gather more before you make the call. It is a call that only you can make. ANd yes, the divorce may hurt your daughter, but staying together and showing no love for one another my damage her more. I cannot tell you.

Hang in there and do read the information on this site carefully.

God Bless,

JL

Here's an update,

She's bought a house, and is moving into this weekend. We have not gone to court for custody. I'm giving her some time to clear her head. She doesn't know what she wants still.

I'm still devastated by everything. This summer was the worst summer ever. People at her work found out, she got really mad at our friends and blamed them for it. Then found out it wasn't them.

She says she's just friends with the OW, and that she doesn't know what she's doing or what's going on. Part of me says good riddance, another part wants to work things out. I know that with time, we are done, and I need to focus on the time I will have with my daughter.

I'm just very sad.

I have asked if there may be a chance to reconcile and work on repairing things. She says she doesn't know what's going to happen. She might realize that she's made a huge mistake and then want to get back together (either renting out her new house or selling it).

I need to read up on plan b. I don't know if it will work or not in my case. I just want to be happy again, with or with out her.