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"He says he is hoping that I will secure a job there soon so he can use that as ammo when he tells her that I'm going and she's not."

HUH???? Your husband is a big boy, and doesn't need to hide behind your skirts. Personally, I would NOT move with him under these conditions. I would wait until there is no contact with the other woman, and address the reasons for the affair.

You have only been married 3 years and have no children. Are you sure you want to continue this marriage?

Yes, I'm sure.

I feel that it is our best opportunity. It is the only way for contact between them to end, and I want to make my marriage work.

Do a search (even if you have to pay a PI to do it) and contact OW's family and tell them about her conduct. I wouldn't let your WH back into town with her around. If he goes, you go. Don't let him out of your sight for a while. Continue to plan A, and snoop to ensure NC, and when he breaks it, call him out on it.

Just know that if he tells her, 'you are not going with me because my wife found a job there and so she is going', leaves the affair wide open to continue.

You need to hear this loud and clear. This statement is not a no contact statement. It is a way for the A to continue. Do you see what I mean?? If you want to continue in a marriage with 3 people in it, that is what you will have if this scenario is played out in this way.
Lake

I do agree with Jim that you should go with your H, but if he tells her that she can't come with him because you found a job, the A will continue.
Lake

********EDIT**************

SE, how do you KNOW the OW's family knows? What do they know and did you hear it from THEIR OWN LIPS?

If it were me, I would ditch him now and move on with my life before I had kids. But, since you don't want to do that, I would suggest not moving in with him when he is clearly undecided about who he wants. You should not move across the country to be with someone who doesn't even know if he wants you. And more than likely, he plans on keeping you BOTH for as long as can.

I would not give up your home and career until and unless you have every assurance that his affair is ended and he is committed to your marriage. You are just ASKING for MORE heartbreak by going with him under these conditions because if you lose him OUT THERE, you will be in a strange place in a new job where you know no one. At least now you have friends and a job you are accustomed to. Don't put yourself in that terrible position, SE.

By going out there only with HOPE as your assurance, you are CHEAPENING YOUR VALUE as a woman. You are worth much more than this, but you are not going to get more if you SETTLE FOR LESS. You are training him to treat you badly by settling for these worthless crumbs.

I think your best opportunity lies in busting up the affair from the comfort of your own home and then if the affair ends and he makes a demonstrated committment to your marriage, THEN you can move out there.

Start by exposing the affair to her husband and her parents. Then go over to your H's side and expose there too.
That should be your first step. The exposure will put great pressure on the affair and make the OW think twice when your H's family knows she is a ho and won't allow her to darken their doorstep.

How about this:

"I would consider moving to be with you if you ended your affair and showed me a demonstrated committment to rebuilding our marriage. I cannot give up my home and career until I see proof of that.. I will give you that opportunity."

Give him 4 weeks to PROVE this to you and if you are not absolutely convinced the affair has ended [actually ENDED, not "trying" to end] and his committment to your marriage, then I would go right into Plan B and go DARK.

I wouldn't tell him this timeline, just keep it in your head.

Ooh, I like that idea. As far as giving up my career-- my current job is temporary and ends in mid-August anyway, and I have nothing on the horizon. I actually have a better opportunity THERE... But you're right, I certainly don't want to go out there with him and end up in that situation far away from friends.

I've been thinking overnight about what to do if he does not cut off contact with her and/or decides to take her with him (she'd go in a heartbeat of course).

Let me know if I've got this right.

I'm going to have Legal Separation documents drawn up that require him to pay the things I will need him to pay, to keep me on his health insurance, etc. I will tell him if he doesn't sign it I will have him served at his new job. But these will be separation documents. I will not help him divorce me. If he wants to marry her he will have to take care of divorcing me himself, I'm not going to make it easier. I will take our house OFF the market and continue to live there, and I will have custody of the dog. Then I will NOT communicate with him in any way. He can live with his OW, but he can not marry her, she will not have insurance, he will continue to be supporting me financially, and we'll see how fast their relationship goes from Wonderful Fantasy Land to Reality World. Right?

I have to be honest. I do still love this man. Very much. And I've been divorced before, I don't want to do it again. But, I am starting to get to the point where I know that I'd survive without him. I'm past that feeling that the world is going to end. I'm just exhausted (hence the username) and I want this to take one road or the other, I'm tired of the back and forth.

Okay I keep posting on my own thread but I keep thinking of other stuff to ask about. I'm sitting here with my stomach in knots just thinking about all this.

Is exposure a good idea now that he's just about to leave? I don't want to make push him away when I feel like this move is a make it or break it moment for our marriage.

IF he does take her with him, is that the end? Should I even bother with Plan B? Or just go ahead and file for divorce? I don't want to make a divorce easy for him, but I don't want to make moving on harder for myself.

Also-- should I confront OW? I know where she lives, her phone number, email, etc. I have not yet, I thought that it would only fuel her fire. She is quite proud of herself, apparently, has told all her friends about it. My H has met her mother.

One minute he's sweet and loving and the next, everything I say or do is annoying him. He tells me he loves me, though he doesn't show it much.

Exposure is a good idea always. It might make the affair end sooner.

I would start getting the separation legal work started, because he will soon be gone. Be sure you are protected financially.

I think he would like both you AND the OW to move with him.

Believer,
You bet your bum he would. I think she'd even go for it, the little freak.

I will have to go read up on the exposure tips. I'm really really scared of it. The few people that I have told have all immediately gone into "You need to leave him" mode and I want support for saving my marriage.

I get a lot of "why do you still want me after all I've done," "I don't deserve you," etc. I guess I shouldn't respond with, "No, you don't deserve me." But that's what I want to say.

SE, I think your best bet is this:

1. expose the affair

2. tell your H what I said above, that you will be giving him a chance to end his affair and demonstrate his committment to the marriage. Your decision to move will be based on that

3. If he cannot do this, then I would suggest you file the seperation and get your finances secured

4. THEN, go into Plan B

My plan is not an EXIT plan, but your BEST BET at saving your marriage. This plan is the most likely to end the affair and alert him to the fact that you won't settle for crumbs. Your plan to go out there ensures only more CAKEEATING, which is the more likely path to divorce.

Thank you Melody. I have been reading posts about exposure today, trying to get my plan for that together. I will also be Plan A-ing my butt off. I want him to think about how much fun it will be to move to this new place with me and have an adventure together.

Should I confront OW? I don't know what I would even say, but I would like to wrap my hands around her skinny little neck. And his, for that matter. Shake the silly out of both them.

Okay, so I talked to my husband about this.

This is his story about why he can't have no contact right now: the job that he has been working for the past month or so? He got through OW's mother. If he cuts off contact with OW, he says he'll lose his job.

We do very desperately need the money to get us by until the move. We are behind on bills by more than a month and have large moving expenses coming up very soon. But... I really don't care.

I need to be firm on this, right? I know I do, but I just need y'all to tell me that I've got to be.

My BH has agreed to have NC. It is very hard to work out b/c he works for OW's father, basically. We are supposed to work out details (NC letter) tonight.

But I have found out that OW has packed up all her stuff in her house, is planning to rent it out til it sells it, planning to move with my BH.

And I have a job interview (over the phone) in the New Town in thirty minutes.

Also? I love this man, I really do. But can someone out there tell me that I will be in love with him again someday?

I shared Trueheart's letter with him and I think it really made an impression. Does anybody have any other suggestions or tips for stuff like that?

Thank you, I'm feeling encouraged today.