Well. We made it across the country. We've been here two days. But he had been talking to her and seeing her all along until we left town.

Then today we find out (she called him, he talked to her) OW got the job in the next town. WH is now considering that he has made the wrong decision to stay with me and maybe he should be with her. He thinks he has ruined our relationship so badly it is irreparable. He says that I question everything he says and he can do nothing right in my eyes. That she infects all his thoughts, and he can think of nothing else, and I deserve better.

She is waiting for his decision on whether she should accept the job.

What do I do now? Keep up with Plan A? I'm struggling with it. Really badly. I'm irritated with him all the time. I guess I'm about to be thrust into Plan B anyway, or recovery.

Where do I go from here? Do I refuse to talk about what will happen if he chooses her? He's got this thing where he says he doesn't think I could survive without him. I said that of course I could, and that really bugged him, he said, "great, so you can take me or leave me, huh?"

I don't even know what to say to this man. I do love him, so much, and I want to be with him, but this is killing me.

Help.

Also, part of me has been thinking of just going into Plan B, let him bring his ho out here, let them live together in Reality and let him realize what he's missing.

But then I don't want to do that. What if he never comes to his senses?

I've been failing badly with Plan A lately. Lots of crying that I can't seem to help, since we got here and I found out she's following us.

I'm really beginning to think that this is just over, but I don't want to give up, I still see flashes of him every once in a while that give me hope.

Hmmm... I would tell him that if she accepts the job here, you're outta there. I don't know what else to suggest. Between his neediness of "her" and her stalker-ness ... sheeze what a pickle <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

So...he HAD remained in contact. And now he's back on the fence.

Personally, I don't have a good MB answer for you.

Myself, I'd tell him that if he's STILL confused after all you've done and put up with, that he's right...he's not worth all this effort and he should just get the heck out. After all, he's been lying about NC still through all of this...I'd let him know that he IS going to lose you if he doesn't grow the heck up!

That was NOT good MB advice...MB doesn't recommend ultimatums. I do...there are times when you need to force someone to @#$# or get off the pot. He really seems to be in need of that right now.

I'd sit him down, talk about all the things you've done for him, that you've done to save this marriage. And then go over all the crap he's done, how badly he's hurt you...and go over all the crap SHE's done too. Tell him that these are his choices...and that he needs to decide NOW...and that choice is FOREVER.

Just what I'd do...hopefully you'll get someone who can give you better "MB" advice.

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So_Exhausted---

I'm sorry things have worked out like this.

Clearly, your husband isn't deserving of all the effort you have made to save your marriage.

Have you familiarized yourself with the divorce / separation laws in your new state? I suggest you determine what your options are and contact a lawyer. If the state considers infidelity in divorce / separation, you need to get your case and stuff together to ensure you are protected.

Personally, I'd recommend you take him for all he's worth -- wring every last cent out of him and his OW.

Do you have any idea if he was able to "patch" things up with 'ho number 1 given he already found 'ho number 2? I think you should also contact 'ho number 1's family and let them know that your husband cheated on her -- give them some taste of the character of this guy who makes their little girl so happy. Maybe that's vindictive, but that's my thought. Perhaps it would help apply pressure on OW number 1 to not move to your area.

You deserve happiness, So_Exhausted. If your job is good and you want to stay, you should. Focus on yourself at this point -- do this for you.

Blessings

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So sorry you are going through this. Artor is giving you good suggestions. I agree with him. Call an attorney. Take care of yourself.

I don't remember (and too lazy to go back and look <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, did you move to a new state? If so, don't be surprised if you have to wait for a period of time before you can file anything. Sometimes there is a residency requirement (i.e., must live in the county 90 days, etc.).

As far as your situation, I say get out now while the getting is good. You guys have only been married three years. This is August 2007. You discovered the affair in November 2006. During your marriage, WH has cheated twice that you know about and it sounds as if he began almost right after the wedding.

He lured BOTH you and OW to New Town. He knew full well what was going on. He played you and OW big time.

Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with a player?

So_Exhausted--


He's right. He is a Wayward Husband and, in that state, he isn't good enough for you. Period. You deserve better and shouldn't settle for less.

Until he's a Former/Forgiven Wayward Husband, he's not good enough for you.

I know that's not exactly what you WANT to hear, but, IMO, it's the facts, ma'am.


Not really -- he wants to "take this slow" so he can continue cake eating. He wants to see that you and the other woman need him. She's uprooting her life to move to be near him and he's got you at home needing him. He's being fought over by two women -- he's feeling pretty good deep down.


Have you ever said or done anything to make him feel he was "extraneous"? Probably not.

This, IMO, is him blame shifting to you. In effect, "I can't commit to you and leave the OW because you (So_Exhausted) haven't made me feel needed enough, haven't proven your need for me. It's really all your fault."

Don't buy it -- even if it's free. You are not at fault here.


I hear you and agree -- my wife proposed much the same -- to live as roommates while our children went to school. I even tried to buy into the concept in my own crazed state of mind. But don't do it -- your life would be he11. You deserve better.

Don't let him cake-eat any more.

Take a stand for yourself and your marriage. He's got to pull his head out of his posterior and commit to your marriage.

Talk to a lawyer.

If you think his ONS while at a conference was intended to "push you out the door", then show him that he better be prepared to send LOTS of money and resources with you out the door.

Protect YOURSELF -- you are worth it.

I agree with everything Artor said and would add one more thing. Translation about taking it slow: He knows he does not have the money right now to split up with you and establish separate housing. So why not just room with you in the same house until he can afford something different? After all, he can cake eat from the joint home pretty easily.

I don't mean to sound harsh but he is being a real a$$... and you deserve better.

Sure you don't want to take my advice and start ordering those roach eggs? You can order those GREAT BIG ONES...the ones that are two inches long and hiss at you when they're scared.

Get enough for both OW...no reason to be stingey!

Maybe go down to your nearest sporting goods store, and get a whole bunch of "musk oil" that they use to mask your scent for deer hunting? You know...smells like skunk? Perhaps put that into your H's soap? Aftershave? Shoes? Wash all his clothes in it?

Just imagine how many women he'll attract like that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to try to give you a laugh when things are down...

Yeah, he is.

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. I know you are all right about this. I just have to figure out how to accept the facts.

You're right- he can't afford to move to his own place, neither of us can. I have to figure out something.

I have told him before that I could not be his friend-- don't wanna be his friend, wanna be his wife. I just can't be his "friend." For a couple reasons: 1) it would hurt too much, and 2) he's not the kind of person I want to be friends with, is he? No.

He's a cheater.

No, I haven't given him any reason to feel extraneous, other than saying that I COULD survive without him. He wants me to "not be able to breathe" without him. Like OW.

OW #1 emailed OW #2 to "let her know the whole situation" and bcc'd me on it. Letting her know she was WH's "girlfriend" and is moving here next week to "be with him." Interesting. I think she finally feels like she's won. And she deserves his cheating a$$.

So why do I feel like the loser? Why do I still want him so badly?

So_Exhausted --

It's an aversion to what we see as failure.

I have felt the same way.

We don't want to admit that our marriage failed or is failing.

It also comes when we try and measure our self-esteem based on how our wayward spouse sees us (or how we think they see us).

We assume, deep down, that because he chose to be with the OP, they must be better than us.

THIS IS NOT TRUE

You have to remember that your husband is looking through fogged eyes and not enough blood is flowing to his head with a brain in it.

The fact that he's sharing OW #1 email to OW #2 regarding her "defending her territory" is just more evidence that he is an a$$ and really enjoying all this "women fighting over him" stuff.

Remove yourself from the competition.

If OW#1 thinks he is such a catch, then it's pretty clear she deserves the pain and disappointment life with him will bring if he doesn't change.

You are not below or worth less than either of his OW!

The problem is with him and his inability to remain faithful. OW#1 will realize this someday.

Blessings

Actually OW #1 just copied the email to me herself. I'm not sure WH knows about it yet. I'm sure he'll hear. From one of them. Not from me.

However, I agree that he quite enjoys us all fighting for him. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I have started looking into a place to move by myself. I just don't know how I"ll come up with the money for the deposits and all that. It might take at least a few weeks.

And there is one of the first, wrong and bad assumptions BS's make.

That "why" question is always so difficult to answer. It is the highest order abstraction of all the questions and is the last question that we achieve ability to answer from a developmental perspective. For example, never ask a toddler why he jumped into a mud puddle. You can ask him what shoes did he wear when he did it or How much water splashed up. But don't ask him "why".

Did you ever run for office as a kid? I did once. I lost. I did not really care all that much about obtaining the office. But I did run. I made a public statement by allowing my name to go on the ballot that I wanted to win. But I lost. I felt [email]cr@ppy.[/email] It's human nature.

The more pertinent question would be to ask "why?" if you did not really feel bad about all this. You are human. You made a life committment that you thought was reciprocated. You felt this life committment for 3.5 years. It is normal that you feel [email]cr@ppy[/email] about it going up in smoke.

He cheated so quickly after marriage. I know this may hurt, but you caught him at cheating so quickly after marriage. If he is a two time cheater this soon after marriage, is it not possible that there were other times when you did not catch him?

You have no children, he is a two time cheater. You can move on. I know it stinks. But at least it only stinks for you, not a little one. You say you are starting to dislike him. I think that is about the time for plan B anyway. Even if you wanted him back, Plan B is what you do when you have only a little love left in the Bank and you want to save what little you have left. I know you think you can't move out. But maybe an attorney could help you find a way to afford that move.

I truly am an idiot. A complete moron.

So the day after our big fight, he asked me to meet him for lunch. He told me he felt lost and missed me already. He said he hadn't given our marriage a chance, even though our move was supposed to be our fresh start. He said he would have NC with the OW and we would try again.

And I agreed.

Things have been good since then, if a little stressed at times. But really, we've gotten along really well and seemed to be heading in the right direction. I've seen no evidence of any contact with OW#1, and he told me OW#2 didn't mean anything, she was "just there." She lives several hours from here, but they work in the same field, that is why they met (at a conference).

This morning I checked his cell phone records online. No calls to OW#1. But long ones to OW#2.

I feel like the biggest fool in the entire freaking world.

I am looking for a place to live, and I will move out and begin Plan B as soon as I can. Probably not til next weekend though. I am so scared, and numb, and hurt, and all those things I know you all understand.

Is there really any hope left at all here? Is Plan B even worth the time?

Can you get your old job back?

I would move back to your OldTown. Go dark Plan B, and move away.

If he gets his head out of his a$$, he will need to move away from that area anyway. Away from OW1 and OW2.