We got engaged in Jan 2006, we had been planning the engagement for a year, getting the families together and working everything out. We got married in Jan 2007.

2 weeks into the wedding I found emails his friend (female) wrote to him, and his replies. He claimed to be in love with her and wanted to 'run to her and leave everything behind', I never felt so betrayed in my life...the mails were dated during the time we were engaged. Our marriage wasn't an arranged one. He went through a lot of bother with his family to get things worked out, we loved each other deperately.

She was there in my engagement, she was sitting in my room, and just days afterwards she tried to break it...and he claimed his love for her.

I'm having issues with trust, after that I found out about several other girls he was dating and kept in touch with, even after getting married. I left for my moms place, but he begged me to come back, when i came back he expected my to just get over it, that it was in the past. But it was not in the past...we were engaged...it was our present. I have reasons to believe he is still in touch with them.

I work, reach home at 7.30pm and then make dinner for him and his sister. His other sisters come and complain to him about my working, his father complains to him that i should wash the dishes, and make his bed and make his food too...he sees that i'm tired when I come home, I never cooked in my moms house, I learned it here..he tells me its my responsibilty to take care of his father and sister.

His sisters come home uninvited every week, order me around to cook for them and their children, he says its the job of the host to cook for the guests...but i didn't even invite them...he says its my responsibility. Tells me my parents didnt teach me anything...I do the best I can..

last week after his sisters ordered me around...I stopped eating out of anger, but i didnt stop cooking for him. He yelled at me, said things about my parents..out of anger and shock I slapped him...and in return he slapped me back...HE slapped me because I didnt want to cook for his sister and her kids...

I've left home again. My parents want me to file for divorce...leave the country to clear my mind, I dont want to, but I dont know what else to do, he cheated on me, lied to me, his family treats me like ******, he wont move out, he complains about me in front of his family, he hit me...my sister says once a beater is always a beater...

the bottom line is, he doesnt respect me, he doesnt uphold my respect in front of his family, I don't trust him to remain faithful or to support me emotionally, morally, as a wife, as a friend.

I haven't talked to him since that day...i'm confused and I don't know what to do, divorce him to keep my sanity, or keep living with him and suffer his harsh behavior along with his family.

He is not willing to change, we have had that discussion, his thoughts revolve around his family, not around us...or the family we planned on starting.

What should I do?

Gee...I am no pro at any of this but my first gut response is leave him. Abuse normally does not improve over time..often it becomes worse.

You have only been married a short time..I know this does not make any of this easier..in fact perhaps harder but I fear for what you may endure mentally as well as physically if you go back.

I know you probably question every thought, and feeling out there and it is so much easier for me to give advice than to take it but you have a responsibility to yourself and your safety first.

My prayers are with you, this is a horrible place to be in life..I have been dealing with it for seven monthes after twenty years of marriage. I know the pain you are in physically and emotionally. It is hard to be strong.

I feel like I've died. Before we got engaged I told him that the only thing that can break my marriage would be infidelity. It's infidelity if you're maintaining relationships with other girls after you've committed yourself to someone. I can't explain it, even the thought is painful.They came to my wedding...the most important day of my life...and I hate to even think about it. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back. I knew her..they were old friends, I never once doubted...I wish I had found those e-mail before the wedding, instead of 2 weeks after. I keep praying to God to help me forget what happened...but every time I am close to leaving it behind...his family happens.., his face changes and I get scared because that's not the man I married.

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BS (ME)- 25
WH - 26
Married 5 months
D-Day - Feb/02/07

There's no confusion here...for whatever reason, your H has found ways to disrespect you and your feelings. Imagine if you had children...I'm thinking that your kids would walk all over you like your H and his sisters have gotten used to doing.

If he wanted a maid, he didn't have to marry one. I seriously doubt that a maid is what you are. You sound intelligent and articulate.

There's no shame in walking away from a marriage early...you deserve some happiness and peace.

Rumi,

So sorry for your situation. You didn't mention which country you would leave but it sounds like some cultural issues contribute to your challenges.

Was anything fraudulent involved with your wedding that would facilitate an annulment?

Again, it sounds like you are justified to cut your losses and protect yourself by getting out....legally.

Best wishes,
Ace

P.S. Passionpeach, hoping you didn't intend to insult the millions of maids around the world with your comment seemingly meant to compliment Rumi.

Are the two of you from similar cultures? It sounds to me like part of the problem has something to do with expectations. He expects one thing, and you expect another. I need more information. It sounds like the marriage was planned and you knew each other well enough. His family is definitely adding to the problems.

Also he needs to have no contact with the other women. Would he agree to that?

Did you discuss working outside the home before you married?

What would be the consequences of divorce in your country?

Rumi,
I'm sorry for your situation, but it sounds like your H is not the man you thought you M. If you had known these things about him, I'm sure you wouldn't have M him. Even if he didn't have the A, he still is treating you terribly. Rumi, life is to short and precious for you to waste any more time with this guy. If he's already treating you like this it will only get worse as time goes on. Chalk it up as a learning experience. He is scary!

I'm from Pakistan.

I was working before I got married, and continued after marriage. He didnt have any issues...he didn't have issues with anything before we got married...when I left his place after he hit me I brought my jewellery with me...he messaged me to tell me today that I stole the jewellery from his place. I will return them when the marriage dissolves...

I love him so much, I cant bear any of this, I don't think i'll live through it.

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BS (ME)- 25
WH - 26
Married 5 months
D-Day - Feb/02/07

It sounds like the two of you had very different expectations of the roles of husband and wife in a marriage. I know in some cultures the wife DOES cook for and care for members of the husband's family. It is expected.

But you WORK and that makes a big difference. These are things that needed to be talked through BEFORE you married. Of course, he should have mentioned that you would be taking on the job of doing lots for his family.

Rumi,



Yes you can live through it. Don't give up.

Most of the posters on these forums have thought and said this during our darkest days. God can offer light. Seek His help. You can endure this and if nothing else, you'll be able to relate to others to help them overcome such despair.

Keep posting your frustrations. Others will help you here on MB.

Ace

Hi,

Sorry i've been away for so long, we met about 2 weeks ago, he asked me to give it one more chance, my mother had advised me before meeting him that a marriage is a very sacred bond, and should not be broken, if their is even a flicker of hope. Needless to say, I went back with him.

His sisters were very rude with me, not even responding to my hello. Another sister came the day after I went and had an epileptic attack in which she kept asking for her brother and hugging and smothering him...that freaked me out...If she had an epileptic attack why would she keep calling her brother? her step brother..and not her sisters? not her husband who was present in the house? not her daughters who were also there?

I think I need to explain something here...My husband is the son of my father-in-laws second wife. He had five daughters from his first wife, the youngest daughter is 4 years younger than my husband. Both mothers passed away more than 8 years ago.

This made me feel like they use these tactics to keep a hold on my Husband, because I could see how guilty he was feeling about her attack, although he had nothing to do with it. He was crying.

This made me feel very insecure and I said a lot of crap about his sisters and how I hate them. Another verbal fight followed for a couple of days, he said a lot of stuff my parents too.

For a long time i've been distant from God, not praying, not thanking, not asking for forgiveness, not expressing how I feel...but I remembered that during trying times, God expects you to call on him, and I did, i've been praying regularly, begging him to save my marriage, I feel a lot calm now, and not filled with the anxiety that weighed on my heart for so long.

I don't know whats going to happen in future, or whether we will be able to make it, I want to build my faith in in him again...somehow. We are trying to have a baby...

I haven't noticed any changes in him, he still seems to share a stronger bond with his sisters than he shares with me (if any)...because he will not hear a word against them.
But tell me this, if I can't talk to him about how I feel who should I talk to? he doesnt want to listen to a word I say, if I talk to my sister he gets angry that out-side influence is ruining our marriage...when I keep things bottled up and stay silent he doesn't like that either...I used to keep a journal, but now I can't bring myself to write anything in it...

I think i'm drifting from the topic...what I wanted you guys to know is that i'm trying to make my marriage work...the reason I want to have a baby..is because I need someone to live my life for, in case things don't work out...a part of my husband, to remind me of the love we once shared.

Thank you for the support you've shown, and the advice you've given...