Pep... just wanted to point out to you that YES I did suffer infidelity in a marriage. Yes, it did recover... but yes, it happened again and we got divorced. So, your points are incorrect regarding that.

YOU have not been through the divorce process Pep... I have. Many times it is required to strike while the iron is hot to get the best deal possible for self and children.

If Lilsis still WANTS her H back... and for the record, after all of this, I wouldn't want to reconcile...then she should follow her heart. If her heart and mind tells her that she still is willing to risk things to make this work, she should. But on the BIG IF that her H comes back... and even using Harley's plan for someone that has been gone this long and in an affair this long... it IS a very big IF, then they could re-marry. But there are a lot more failures than successes here for this type of situation... a lot more that I have seen on these boards in my time here. Sometimes it will just not work out... even Harley says that.

If Lilsis wants this still, I hope she gets it. But in the meantime, I think she should be doing everything imaginable to get the best deal for herself. Her point to let her lawyer handle this is most likely a good thing.

On what numbers do you base this finding? What is "this type of situation"?

read the next part of the sentence Mimi.

There's Amiok, Inadaze and Silent that I recall right off hand in RECOVERY. SL was in PLAN B 9 months...

Yes, some don't make it..BUT..some DO..that's what matters to me..

An elderly lady told me yesterday..."LOOK UP... THERE'S NOTHING DOWN BUT DIRT"..that's what she tells herself in order to STAY POSITIVE.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hey... I am all for staying positive.... some do make it.... some are wonderful examples of that! I am NEVER accused of being negative... in fact, I get a lot of crapp about being too positive... but I also temper it with reality.

So, here's hoping you are right.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ETA: I HATE IT ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER, MEDC....that kind of stuff with Social Services really, really bothers me...I wish there was more care and concern about the welfare of children .... I pray for HER...

thanks Mimi... she left a couple days ago. I am hoping for the best for her... we have been promised by the family that she will remain in touch... and will be able to come visit. I truly hope they live up to that.
Thanks for the thought.

I was in Plan B nine months, YEP

I was also in limbo land, prior to finding MB for a full year. These things take some time to iron out, be it divorce or recovery. I think each person must decide for themselves when enough is enough. I also think, once you LET GO, truly let go, you can endure a more peaceful existence and get on with things while you wait out the marriage.

This doesn't mean that you won't get divorced, it just means that you're existence is much more peaceful, and you are able to recognize where you had been attempting control over the uncontrollable. Getting to this point is a great leap in your own personal recovery, and will help you in your future relationships, no matter what they are.

As for the legality of things, I was always very serious when it came to finances, as well as custody arrangements, and let my lawyer do her job, otherwise, what's the point in hiring them. I had confidence that my lawyer would fight for me. Yes, I had to give more on some things than I wanted, but it was the sticky laws that forced my hand on those.

Sis,
You will make it, no matter what happens with WH. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have given it your all. If WH wakes up and comes around, it will be your choice whether or not you want him back. This is not just about HIM, it is your life too. Whatever you decide to do, you can hold your head high. It is all in God's hands. Even if the D happens, and he does not come around, God will still have a plan for you. That is what I learned through the terrible ordeal I went through with my ex-wh...God is completely in control and knows much better than we do what is best for us...
Continue to live your life, find joy, enjoy your boys..and trust in God, HE will never leave you.

When you said
I immediately thought of this song by the brilliant singer/songwriter Patty Griffin ...

"I Don't Ever Give Up"
by patty griffin

I'm no kid in a kid's game
I did what I did, I've got no one to blame
But I don't give up, no, I don't ever give up
It's all I've got, it's my claim to fame

I'm no fighter but I'm fighting
This whole world seems uninviting
But I don't give up, no, I don't ever give up
I fall down sometimes, sometimes I come back flying

Liars are lying, airplanes are flying
Love isn't here, love isn't here
But it's somewhere
Time to forget me, but something won't let me
Love isn't here, love isn't here
But it's somewhere

And I cleaned and I washed up
This dream I don't ever give up
I don't ever give up, I don't ever give up
No, I don't ever give up, no, I don't ever give up
No, I don't ever give up, I don't ever give up

Hey there,
just checking on you? Is this your vacation time? If so, I think I missed the memo.
take care

Hi SIS, I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one feeling that way...

I'm right there with you! Just wanted you to know!

((((SIS)))

Nope. Not on vacation.

Put a fork in me. I'm done.

This isn't the way I wanted things to go, but the writing was on the wall. I know I'll take some flak for this, but I've broken Plan B. I needed to, for me. To get some closure.

I'll try to explain. I am finally--finally!!!--at a place where I know this is not my fault. I am finally at a place where I am letting myself off the hook. I did everything I could do. I just needed--for me--to know one thing from WH.

You are going to think it's stupid, and so non-MB. I've been thinking about it for a couple of days. I've had that Eureka moment, and have been processing that for a little over a week. We've made it a year. The boys and I will be okay. I can do this...I AM doing this. I did it even when I was at the absolute bottom. But my dream is already gone; I need a new dream that doesn't involve looking back. I needed to get some closure...for me.

So I went over to ILs this afternoon and asked him, point blank, in a soft and friendly tone, if he could look me in the eye and tell the boys and I that what he is doing is right. That he's my husband and he's their father and we trust him. So if he can tell us that it's right...well then. We'll know.

And I just looked at him...open expression. The kids were there (I know some of you will have a problem with this, but the kids have been stuck in this limbo, too...unable to get any response from WH when they ask him questions, and I am unequivocal...it is NOT right to tear apart a family).

He hemmed and hawed a bit...pointing out that I have never been a black and white thinker (to which I replied that when it comes to family, I always have been), how it wasn't fair for me to come and ask these questions, that there's so much more to it than that....blah, blah.

But I was really pretty quiet during the whole babble thing...waited a number of times while he just sat there looking away...and finally, he said it: "No, it's not right."

Promptly followed by a number of BUTs (there's so much more to it than that, etc.). So I asked him if he would prefer that I ask the question in the alternative: Is what he doing wrong? Then he back tracked and said he already answered my question. He didn't want to say any more because "he wasn't sure of what the fallout would be."

I asked what he meant by that...fallout for whom? Because I am a big girl and can take care of myself. Perhaps he was afraid of what he would see in himself.

A moment later the kids went in the house and he and I were on the back porch. He started to get on my case about the arrears thing...how I needed to make that go away, and how this was all my fault (!) for not just being agreeable and sitting down to negotiate everything. How dragging this through the courts is so expensive. How it always has to be "all or nothing" with me (like our vows? I asked).

Tears were streaming, but I was standing tall, graceful and dignified. No yelling, no loss of control. More babble ensued...to which I just shook my head. I don't need to reverse babble it. It's just absurd.

I told him that I had done all I could...that I am a fighter and I had to do what I had to do, and that I can always hold my head high for fighting for what is right, for doing every thing I possibly could to keep the promises that I made to him, the boys, and God. I told him that I will always be able to look myself in the mirror knowing I did the best that I could with the resources I had. I thanked him for the wisteria on Mother's Day...the first Mother's Day present he ever got for me.

I thanked him for the two beautiful boys, and pointed out that after all of this is over, that's all that will be left of us.

He told me he didn't even know how to begin to apologize. I told him there was one way, but he was going to have to figure that out on his own. I told him I hoped that someday God would let me off the hook for the promises that I made to him, because apparently God let him off the hook.

WH said, "I don't know about that."

When I left, there were tears in my eyes, but I was standing tall. His phone had rung, and I said, "You'll probably want to get that." and walked out the door without looking back.

I know I just dropped out of MB by doing this, but I really, really needed to. I came home and bawled my eyes out, wrote in my journal, and then got the chicken and potatoes going on the grill for poker, which I hosted tonight. My friend B got here a little early, so I got to replay it all for her and bawl some more before the rest of the group arrived.

WH has been gone for a year. He's shown not one inkling of turning back. I have been holding on to wishes and hopes and dreams, and it is simply too painful. I've been in neutal.

Now I know. I don't know if it makes sense to any of you, but now I know that WH knows what he's doing is wrong. I know that he's not skipping around happy as a clam. And yes, you can all say we told you so, but I needed to see that for myself in order to cut myself loose.

This man is a stranger. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in four months. I have gone through my own withdrawal. I still love the man I see...I recognized how he hardens his jaw when he is being obstinant, the color of his eyes. He's the father of my children. He's the one I promised myself to. But I can't continue to foster this hope that he may have this miraculous epiphany.

You see, I found out today: He already KNOWS that it's not right. And yet he persists.

I understand that miracles have happened for many people here, but I just don't see it happening for me. I need to start being realistic about this...just for ME. I am so tired of grieving and wishing and hoping and praying. I'm not going to push for the D or anything. I just want to start turning the page...to stop picking at the scab...I don't know.

An aside...he did offer to go see someone together to "help me get over this" and mediate a discussion about what happened. I told him that I wasn't interested; I reiterated that I took full responsibility for what I let go in the marriage, and that I regret that with all of my being. I told him I regretted that I left that day last July instead of standing by his side. I told him that I could come up with a whole list of things that I regret and that I take responsibility for...so I don't need to rehash that for his benefit. If he isn't willing to reflect on his own poor choices or take any responsibility for what has happened, then I really am not interested in having anyone help me "get over it."

Once again, the ILs were nowhere to be seen. Things might be ugly, so we stay far, far away. You know in all this time, they have NEVER ONCE sat down with the two of us together. I begged them to, and they never would. Not in a whole year.

When I arrived, MIL did come out and we hugged and smiled at one another. I am hurt by how things have played out in our relationship, but I can't hate her.

Anyway...I guess I'm an MB dropout. Sorry, guys. I wish I could say it's been fun. You all know, it is a sucky ride. I have always been suseptible to motion sickness, and I got a bad case that's lasted a year.

I need to get off the ride and just breathe some clean, fresh air. I want to live again...out from under this cloud.

success doesn't only come from reconcilation of the marriage...personal recovery and success is the greatest thing that we gain...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm proud of YOU

I am very proud of you too. For me, this was about you gaining the strength to be the wonderful woman you are today.... a woman that any MAN will be proud to have by his side. Your WH no longer deserves you Lilsis.

You could not do marital recovery on your own.... but look at how you have grown.

I had a feeling that you were out there DOING something, Sis...BEEN THERE DONE THAT...



THIS CHARACTERIZES AN ADDICTION!!

I'm not proud..

This makes me SAD FOR YOU...

Your life..your choice...

I hate to see OW win these battles so easily..my viewpoint...

what it characterizes to me is a lack of morals, integrity and class.



so easily Mimi??? I think Lilsis put up a great fight and did what she was supposed to do. And what has the OW won??? A man? Nope... she won a coward that cheats on his family and breaks his word.... a man that will surely cheat on her when the time comes too. What has she really won?

As I have always said, Sis' H is no different than mine was at that point..he knew what he was doing was WRONG and couldn't stop.

I don't like to hear you say that, MEDC because of the utmost respect that I have for my H now..to have come from THAT POINT to now..

That may have not been the case with Sis' H..now we will never know...

This is about Sis and how she has chosen to cope with this..

Sis, I respect you for making the choice to lead your life as you wish..but I'm not going to lie to you and say that I am proud...

I never feel good when a family is destroyed...

Certainly it's not your fault...

I just can't bring myself to feel good about it in any way...

Again..my opinion...

Sis,

Plan B is for you. To protect the small amount of lovebank deposits you have left for him and also to remove any meeting of needs that you were supplying.

I'm pretty darn sure you didn't meet any of his needs with this convo. And I really don't think you lovebusted him, nor did you deplete any of your own love bank balance.

So no harm, no foul.

But what it did accomplish is you gained some closure for yourself so you could finally breath. Bravo!

Jo

In my viewpoint, THE FIGHT was not over..by Sis giving up on a man that she says that she still loves..that's sad...

You see him as BAD..that's clear..

But she says that she still loves him...

And those boys..HOW AWFUL for them...