Wow ... I was thinking the same thing last night Pep but couldn't put it into words. Thanks.

Jo

I feel strong this morning.

Pep's right, it was a release for me, meeting MY need. Don't know about verbal sex (sex? What's that? I am unfamiliar with this concept), but it's fun to think about.

I was emotionally naked; that's a good way to put it. Speaking my truth, composed, dignified, not hiding behind some fig leaf of shame. Proud of who I am and who I have become. No trying to airbrush away the wrinkles or stretch marks. Warts and all...knowing that I am beautiful, and that he could not destroy my beauty...in fact, his actions were instrumental in stripping away the artifice.

Not vulnerable, though...more like assured?

I think I even saw a glimpse of admiration in his eyes.

The conversation, however, was not intimate on his side...just mine. He was guarded...except for revealing that this isn't right, except for saying that he didn't know how he could ever aplogize to me (or whatever his exact words were); except for when he admitted that he cared about me (although he said this with a "isn't that ridiculous" tone); except for when he said that he looks at this every single day (not too carefully, apparently...)

Maybe that is fairly intimate, given everything...given that we haven't spoken in four months (as of today, now that I think of it).

I do feel unafraid now. I have faced that last but highly significant fear...that somehow, in some twisted, illogical way, this was "right" in WH's eyes. And it's not.

Big sigh of relief. I can rest easy. I can really be comfortable in my skin.

No more need to DO anything in relation to WH, just perhaps a need to mend some fences and restore other relationships that have been harmed...like MIL. We'll see. I'll mull it over for a while. Chew on it.

But as far as WH is concerned...I got what I needed in order for me to feel at peace. He told me it isn't right, and I showed him my unvarnished self...still standing...brokenhearted, deeply hurt, but standing, functioning, living a life in spite of it all.

Just to be clear...I'm not changing my strategy regarding the divorce--the divorce that HE initiated. I'll let the attorneys deal with it. My attorney will look out for my financial interests, I'm confident of that. He will also respect my wish to delay...after all, that earns him more fees. He's got nothing to lose, but realistically, it can only be dragged out so long. That's for another day.

I think you gave WH something intimate ... a glimpse of you nekkid ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

we shall see

he will not go tell RT everything about this exchange
he will withhold
it will be on his mind

we shall see

my concern is
LilSis went into Plan B prematurely
before SHE was fully prepared to give up this intimacy of conversations such as these

we shall see

Have a great day everyone !

LS,

I am not a big contributer to your threads, but I have been a big lurker and learner. And I want you to know that I stand in awe of you.

Your strength and courage in facing your fears has been amazing. Your personal growth has been off the charts. Every action has been full of heart.

Be proud of who you are. You really are amazing. And those who are blessed to have you in their lives and smart enough to want you in their lives know this.

Using Clinton as an example is so far off base it’s laughable. Clinton was/is? a serial cheater from early on in their marriage. No one ever lauded his integrity, just his charisma.


Who are you to judge whether a man has integrity and/or character? There are many instances throughout history of men with integrity and character who “put the crack pipe to their mouth” because no one is immune. Even you MEDC, so be careful when you judge others so harshly.

David in the Bible was FAVORED by God and even he fell. The consequences of his choices changed the course of his life and his children’s lives for several generations but still God blessed him. Because he REPENTED and turned from his sin.

I realize that you are/were in law enforcement and tend to look at the world through jaded glasses, but pleeeze, lumping every wayward person as a person without integrity and character is ridiculous.

Sis, I am proud of you. I totally understand what you did and why you did it. Now you know. It is a CHOICE for your WH to continue on as he is. Just like it was a CHOICE for my FWH to continue on. He told me many times that he KNEW he was wrong. He KNEW the destruction he was causing yet he kept on—even after the high was over. It wasn’t anything I did that caused him to come back. It wasn’t until he couldn’t live with the person he had become any longer that he came around. God removed his hand from WH’s life and it was unbearable.

I don’t know if your WH will come around or not. I DO know that it won’t be because of anything you’ve done or haven’t done. It’s all about him. You are not a failure. MB helped you get through a lot of your pain. You’ve helped a lot of others get through their pain. Don’t go away! Go back to your Plan B and enjoy your peace.

I still believe.

(((Lil Sis)))

Completely agree Pep.

(((LilSis)))

Sis, as far as the Plan B goes, I say go back to silence. Live out your life, as it is occurring. You now know that he believes what he is doing is wrong; now it's his choice how to proceed with HIS life, his choices.

I had conversations with PWC where I was nekkid, certainly did, and they didn't change much of anything in regards to his path, and it took a few of those conversations for me to 'get' that. Once I did, once I really let go, I felt free from a self-imposed CHORE. I did feel better, as I hope you will.

LilSis, there is a lot to be said for knowing that you can make a life without your H. That life might not be the one you planned, but knowing inside that you are ok with what may come is a step of strength.

It is still possible that down the road your H will want you and his family back together. Mine did, 2 years after his A began, when our divorce was in progress and I had given up. We'd been separated off & on for 21 months, the last separation 5 months.

At the point where you are, IF your H would have this realization, you will be able to look at that option with clear eyes and set the boundaries for reconciliation (no contact with OW, for one thing).

If he doesn't, you will recover and heal, knowing that you did what you could with no regrets about your actions. Knowing he wasn't willing to do the right thing, even when he knew and admitted he was "not right".

I don't think you are an MB dropout. I haven't been around for awhile, but I read here & posted nearly every day for 6 years when I was here. There are very few people who are capable of a 4 month no contact Plan B. You have done very well.

My counselor would have called what you did by being composed & dignified "heaping coals on the WS head". He was a former WS himself. Your H will think about the conversation, what he does with his thoughts are anybody's guess.

LilSis - my hat is off to you.

My circumstances are much different, but my emotions sound very similar to yours.

I divorced - perhaps too quickly... but it was the best decision at the time - without getting into my story, much about your talk with your WH rang very familiar with a talk I had recently with my XH - not so much in content, but in *feeling*.

I totally understand how you felt compelled to have that conversation - I felt compelled too. And there is an inner peace that comes with finally putting it all out there (whatever "it" may be) and then knowing that you'll be OK no matter what. Looking back, knowing that while you've been bent, you aren't broken, and you WILL move forward. It's really liberating isn't it?

I'm still struggling to find God's peace, but it's more there than it was - and each day comes one at a time. Today's goal is to make it through *today*.

I'm very proud of you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

Am I the only one who sees a HUGE OPPORTUNITY HERE????

Sis, you still love this man. I know you do.

Schedule an appointment for both of you with Steve Harley PRONTO!

WH wants your help Sis. His offer of "seeing" someone was a pretty thinly veiled offer of marriage counseling. He is broken. All of us WS's hide that offer behind divorce counseling or "helping you get over it." He's offering a discussion on what went wrong.

And Steve Harley is the man to do it.
Please give it a shot.

Steve will reach him.

Tell WH you've reconsidered. That having that discussion will help you. Give him the time and phone number.

Please try!

excellent idea Lexxxy. At best it is the opening she has hoped for... the worst that can happen is nothing, and that's what's happening now. Lilsis, if you go this route... expect nothing.... don't get your hopes up until you see a reason to do so. But I see the value in giving it a try.

Good point, Lexxy - and MEDC.

If I saw that tiny opening, I'd try to do likewise.

Unfortunately my XH said "not likely" (to want to come home). He didn't say "never". But he didn't say "maybe" either. If he'd said "maybe" I think I'd be looking to call Steve Harley or find a local MC that applies MB principles.

I think in making that offer, he may be asking for help to pull himself out of the cycle he's caught in. You helped him realize it by having him admit it.

Might be worth a try <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA

Wow, I am not seeing this as lilsis giving up. I'm seeing it as more the letting go that we have all encouraged her to do.

I do see where suggesting they call Steve together would be a great idea. Since he offered to see someone, make a call- let it be to Steve.

I'm still praying for you, LilSis.

That's exactly what I thought when I read that but LilSis has never seemed very interested in talking to SH.

Lexxx honey, you so rawk!

She's right, Sis. A co-session with Harley may be in order.

FROM: The MB Bulletin Board Regulars
TO: LilSis

RE: Your request to resign from MB

Dear LilSis,

We have received your request to resign from MB.

We regret to inform you that this request has been denied.

You are required to continue participating on the MB Bulletin Board by helping newcomers and by allowing the rest of us to help and support you as best we can.

Sorry we had to turn you down.

Mulan (feeling pretty safe in speaking for most of the other MB regulars)

P.S. I think Lexxxy is right on in saying that this may well be a good time to see if your WH will talk to one of the Harleys, either with you or without you. (Just be sure to phrase it as "something to help YOU get past all this".)

As long as you feel strong enough to handle it if he refuses, or if he does talk to them but nothing comes of it, I don't see where this could hurt.

I think this could be a good idea *in this case* because I have never, ever seen a WH as passive and inert as yours. Sure, plenty of WH ignore their BS, but that's because they're living with OW and getting high off of that crack every day. Your WH is living with Mommy and Daddy and does not seem to be high on anything other than his own misery.

I still think he's got far more "issues" than just getting caught up in an affair - but I sure do agree that he is NOT capable of pulling himself out of this mess. He will sit on his butt and wait forever for somebody else to do that for him (and this still seems to be very, very weird to me).

I think asking him to counsel with the Harleys with you is worth a try as long as you feel certain you can handle it if it doesn't work.
Mulan

I second the denial!

Sis ~ I think that your need to be right and your need for external validation won the day.

I don't see how this was a positive for either you, your children or your husband.

I think you are not being honest about your motivations - especially involving your children in that conversation.

Did your children really need to experience fresh rejection so that you could feel right?

The question I have to ask is, do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

You can not be both. I'm sorry, you can't.

If you want to be self-indulgent and right, by all means, continue to do Plan Sis, instead of MB.

If you want to be married, I'd encourage you to pay close attention to who is encouraging you down the path of Plan Sis.

I think that you will find, if you do the math, that those who think Plan Sis is a good idea are those who have not experienced successful marital recovery.

I've experienced successful marital recovery and I think what Sis did was okay. What she did caused that little door to open to her WH offering to talk with someone to help her through this. If she goes back to her dark Plan B now, how is she going to reach out to him about talking to SH?