I'm glad she's done. I'm glad she's looking to the future instead of hoping for a different present. Her WH may come back, and she can still be receptive to his coming back, even if she is done -- done spending her time hoping instead of living today.

Cherished

I need some pretty quick advice.

A couple of things have happened that I can't go in to...I don't mean to be cloak and dagger, but....

Something tragic has happened that has affected WH. My GUT (yes, my gut) tells me to reach out and let him know that I am thinking of him and hope he is coping with what is happening. That I empathize that this must be terribly difficult for him.

In addition...I've gotten some bad news about a member of the IL family...there is a serious illness. This is a family member with whom I have been close.

These are things that go above marital recovery...simple humanity, offering compassion, care, support.

I have been examining my motives for reaching out against TA's model. Is it from love, or it is from anger, etc.

Reaching out to WH to express my support, and to offer help and assistance to the IL family member seem in order, seem the RIGHT thing to do....

As a human being...as someone who cares...regardless of an MB plan.

I'm posting it here because I haven't done anything yet, and I know you all have encourgaged me to post first, act later.

I would act on your instincts in both cases.
A simple, I am sorry and here if you need something can go a long way.

LilSis,

Reaching out to the IL family member can be done without any contact with WH.

As far as the other matter is concerned - I would step back and look at it from another perspective. If this was someone else you had a past history with, but no longer were it contact with because of something that happened, would you reach out to them in this case?

One suggestion - have your intermediary contact WH on you behalf to let him know that you (and the boys) are thinking of him and hope he is okay.

My grandmother gave me a piece of advice I have always tried to follow:
"It never hurts to be nice to someone."
So far in life that advice has served me very well. I have never regretted my actions when I followed it.

Sis, I agree with MEDC. IF this is truly serious, and is a family matter, then throwing in that you are truly sorry and are there if they need you is fine.

BTW, I am a bit concerned that you don't feel that you can post what this tragedy is. Do you think that we will have a differing view point? Maybe it's too complicated for the flat page? Just wondering, as many will...

If it were a girlfriend, absolutely. A guy friend...can't really say because those relationships are different.

Saying nothing, honestly, would seem cold, heartless, and unfeeling. Petty, almost.

Family member issue: yes absolutely.

WH -- don't act yet, but think carefully about "how" you communicate to him. Maybe everyone can brainstorm on how this can be done without breaching your Plan B two weeks in a row. Because I think this will seriously jeapardize your ability to stay dark. It reeks of hypocrisy for YOU to be able to breach it, but not allow him to when he decides he needs to.

I don't know if this will make sense, but to discuss the events that occurred in the context of this forum just seems exploitative, somehow?

It's a tragedy that has deeply impacted a number of people, not just WH, and it seems disrespectful to all involved to have it turn in to fodder for discussion on a forum.

Maybe I shouldn't have even brought it up, because again, it is above and beyond anything related to marital recovery.

I agree with MEDC, too. I'm going to trust you to know the gravity of the situation and what it merits.

You don't have to go overboard, rush over, throw your arms around him and say "I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, give me some of your burden"

A kind, gentle, "I'm so sorry for (situation), I'm here if you need me", and then walk away or depending on the circumstances, just sit still. Give him the opportunity but don't expect it. It could mean the WORLD to him right now.

That may not be the MB approach and I'm sure someone will tell me if it isn't, but it is the human approach.

Stay true to YOU, Sis.

Fox

ETA:



Hmmmm...I can see the wisdom in this. If Sis was in the situation that has occurred with WH, would she want him to approach her, Plan B or otherwise? Just a thought....to continue the brainstorming.

If she would allow him to breach the Plan B based on these specific circumstances, is it okay if she does? Again...just thinking out loud to keep the dialogue going.

I immediately guessed what you were talking about & it took me about 10 seconds to confirm it on-line. I will respect your wishes to not discuss it here. Are you going to contact anyone else you have been close to that this is also going to affect? Will you plan to have a presence at any events relating to this tragedy?

IMO. a non-response at this point would be cold and uncalled for.

See, one of the consequences of his affair and Plan B is that he doesn't have you to support him. But this is one of those times where I think MB needs to be secondary and your feelings and humanity need to be primary.

Keep it reserved and do NOT expect that he will take you up on your offer of help.

MEDC

Lilsis, you KNOW what something like this means to your H so I would make a point to make that call. I understand the NEED to do this.

SHOL: The kids and I might do something as others in the community are doing.

I would not expect anything...just a brief acknowledgement, know this must be very hard, and offer of support.

I suggest whatever "reach out" you do comes from the boys.
That way you are still safely in Plan B, but obviously you would have helped the boys put together whatever communication you send to WH.

I don't think there should be an offer of support, but just a simple gesture.
"offer of support" often means open door. And while I don't think he would take you up on it, I think it sends the wrong message...

((( LilSis )))

I am torn between you actually calling him and having your intermediary call....

Could LK call him - email, but calling may be more intimate, which may be needed for the situatin and tell him how very sorry you are ...etc.

Could she say - as your bf - WE are so very sorry....

I agree w/ Lexxy.

Let it come from your boys.

~ Marsh

Don't do this.

In your PBL, you told him you don't want to be his friend...

Let your boys reach out to him.

~ Marsh

Any reaching out should come from the boys or your intermediary. Simple and short.

Anything you do should be a one-way street, with no doors opened for him to use as an excuse to bypass your intermediary. An offer of support, he would interpret to mean that it is now ok to contact you directly.

Sis, while FWH and I were separated I got word that his SIL had been killed in a car accident (she was our age and on her way to a party, she had been drinking). I called him to tell him how sorry I was. He already had heard, but you know what? It didn't make one bit of difference in the way he related to ME at that time. I was SO hurt that "this tragedy" wasn't an eye-opener for him and that he didn't "wake up" and respond. My motive at the time was that I wanted to reach out to him and hope this stirred him up. While I was geniunely sorry about our SIL, I thought this would make a difference in him. It didn't.

If this isn't your motive and you truly do want to reach out to him with compassion, then I agree with the others. You can get the message to him without contacting him directly.

((Sis))

LS:

Read BugsMom Thread about her nephew's passing.

Drac ignored everything.

PM points out this WH thinking from her sitch.

I was of the opinion that you send something to him, hearfelt and from you. But he is turning to others for comfort now.

So, anything you would like to do, doesn't matter to him.

Write something for yourself, what you would like to say to him. Then put that away. You can give it to him later. If he ever wants it.

However, have the boys do something, even if your fingerprints are all over it.

Simply because, but for the grace of God, it wasn't your WH responding..

WH has made a choice. A choice to exclude himself from you and your family, except when it is convienent for him.

This is one of those times that his inconvience hits him in the face.

Send whatever condolences to the other family, and to the family member you wish to address.

But you do not need to address anything further to him.

Sorry. This is very tough situation.

(((LS)))

LG