Sis,

I will pray for replenishment for you.

SB

LilSis:

Its been a tough two weeks for you.

Missing you around here.

In spite of all the things that have transpired on your thread since you arrived in December.

YOU ARE A SUCCESS!

I hang around everday to see what is happening with you, Bugs and SilentL.

Thought I could help just a little bit.

Whatever might have happened inthe past week, understand that I'm OK with it.

You may have been in constant contact with your WH, and your basic humanity had to control in this most tragic of times.

This isn't so much about punishing the WH as it is recognizing that fear that you went to sleep with every night since the day your H exiting the academy. And a fear you will have for your boys, because thier father is in harms way every day.

Good cheer LS.

Let us know what's going on, OK?

LG

I'm sure that it will be a few more days that SIs is on vacation...no internet connection there either...

Missing her just like you and hoping that she is enjoying herself with the boys!

I echo what LG is saying. Please let us know, when you can, how you are doing. I hope that you get some relief while you are away; everyone needs a break, everyone needs to replenish their stores periodically.

(((Sis)))

Hope you're having a GREAT time of refreshing and relaxation with your precious boys! God knows you deserve it.

((Sis))

Lil Sis:

I hope that you were able to find comfort in this tragedy.

God allows things to happen for a reason, and maybe in the end you will know why.

Just keep one thing in mind. God listens to our hearts and our actions. If you love your husband then honor HIM by taking a stand and wait for your husband to return.

Divorce does not mean it's over. Ask God what his will is. Ask him to show you how you need to change your life. Pray more and read more.

If it is God's will for you to stay apart, God will show you, and if that is the case then you can be guaranteed that there will be something better coming for you. If it is his will to reconcile you then there is something in the way. God will not bring the two of you together until HIS purpose for the division is satisfied. One or the other needs to grow. Once that has happened then and only then would GOD help bring you together.

Check out rejoiceministries.org and listen to the messages on STANDING. You can do it.

The ruler of darkness wants you to give up. God wants you to wait, be patient and never stop praying Romans 8:12

Hey LilSis,
Hope your vacation was all you needed it to be...a good mix of fun and relaxation.

Been thinking of you lately and praying for you.

Two Wolves:

A Cherokee grandfather, teaching tribal ways and philosophies on life to his grandson, spoke:

A Fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible Fight between two wolves.

One wolf is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false-pride, superiority and ego.

The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

Looking straight into his grandson's eyes, the old man continues,
This same Fight is going on inside you and every person in the world.

His grandson thinking about this phenomenon for a moment, asks his wise old grandfather,
Which wolf will win?

The Cherokee grandfather replies,
The one you feed.

LilSis,
Hope your vacation gave you lots of time to feed the good wolf.

SHOL

SHOL, This is great! Thanks for sharing it.

I live with an arctic wolf. A beautiful, loving creature.

The wolf I live with is fed kindness, because if you feed her anything else, that is what she will reflect.

It is the same with so many things in the world, no?

SB

SHOL-

That was beautiful, and HOW TRUE???? I do not think that a lot of people realize that....
Thanks for sharing!

Wow...I didn't realize how out of touch I have been.

I sort of feel like I am underwater, and I can't reach the surface.

Going back a long ways...I did call WH to express my concern and sympathy, and then his cell phone coverage got very spotty and he spoke for a minute or so and I couldn't hear any of it. I kept saying, hello?? Just so he'd know that I wasn't getting any of what he was saying.

I would not have felt right about myself if I had not connected with WH. This is just me...I know in my heart I would have regretted it if I had not said anything. I would have been ashamed of myself. I would have felt petty.

That whole week was really, really awful. Emotionally just incredibly draining.

I also touched base with the IL family member who was ill. I dropped off flowers and a card with only the barest interaction. She left a VM afterwards to express her thanks, how grateful she was that I reached out, and told me she would call me the next day. She never did.

So now...I’m back from vacation. It was a mixed bag. Turns out (big surprise to everyone but me) that a change of scenery doesn’t change the pain. In fact, I kept thinking how much we would have enjoyed this trip as a family. I missed my H. The boys missed their dad. My mom kept telling me just to forget about it and enjoy myself.

I am in a deep depression (feeling like sdguy?) and can’t seem to get out. It's not something that can be cured by shopping, chocolate, a bubble bath...or any of those kinds of distractions that people suggest.

The one thing that I did do for myself while away was go get a massage. It felt so good to be taken care of, in someone else’s hands—even for just one hour—that I wept.

I was glad to be home, but was greeted by a big envelope from my attorney. This one came in a manilla envelope, not the usual cream colored one….too fat. WH is taking me to court to fight the arrears, so that makes two court dates next week: Aug. 2 for the settlement conf. and Aug. 3 for the support hearing.

I have an appt. with my A tomorrow. A couple of weeks ago, I emailed him my response/thoughts to the issues on the table for settlement, and a detailed outline of why WH should be held accountable for the arrearages.

According to the paperwork, WH also wants credit for half of the CS he has paid this summer (since his is caring for the boys 50% of the time…yeah right) and wants to trade in the two vehicles that he has in his possession. He also wants me to pay the attorney fees for this action related to the arrears.

Welcome home….

It just never ends. When I said “I want to get away” it didn’t mean from this physical location, it means from all of THIS. The pain, the frustration, the anger, the resentment, the hurt, hurt, hurt. Unrelenting hurt.

I am glad to be back at the office with my stalwart supporters and friends. I feel safe here, protected. My oldest sister from far, far away is coming next week to be with me for the court dates. She is a rock…no personal issues or drama going on in her life beyond the ordinary.

One day at a time. I just wish I felt that I were making some forward progress, instead of feeling like I was drowning, unable to get to the top.

(((LilSis)))

Know what you are feeling....going through the same thing also.

I should be calling my attorney because we have a continuance hearing on the 7th.

Still

I understand what you mean about work. Even now, when I'm at work, I can relax. No matter how much I try, I am just not relaxed around PWC at home. It's a pretty huge stressor. When I'm at work, I don't have to think about him, for one, and I am completely focused on something outside of all of this. It's a break for me. All of my friends know about the past two years mess (how could they not, I was a mess), so it's a refuge for me, too.

When I talk about how very difficult this all is, they listen, and truly care. They don't sit there and pat me on the back and say, 'oh, poor, SL'; they talk about their own troubles and how they have handled them, they push me on.

I have to say, the rule of your troubles following you also applies while on vacation. They don't disappear and are very tough to ignore, considering this is on of the most difficult trials of your life.

I'm so sorry that you are still in such agony over this, and I wish for you and sdguy, to be able to detach more and more. I understand how much of a fight it is, though. It takes lots of time. I always hated hearing that; that 'it', whatever IT is, takes time.

In the meanTIME, we are all here, listening. We will push you, and we will challenge your way of thinking, but we care for you, Sis, truly and honestly.

Lil Sis, I’ve been thinking about what to say to you because my heart really goes out to you. First, there IS happiness on the other side of your pain. To me, it sounds as if you may be stuck in your grief.

Others may not agree, but I believe you are at the place where you need to really forgive and release your husband. I’m not saying give up, just forgive.

I read this today (for myself):

“When we hold on to unforgiveness and fail to release the one who has caused the hurt, our spirit is affected. The Bible says, "If you forgive others for their sin, your Father in heaven will also forgive you for your sins." (Matthew 6:14) What this Bible verse is saying is that if we choose not to forgive others, God will not forgive us, which will affect our relationship with Him.

Jesus encourages us to "forgive and you will be forgiven." The literal translation is "Release and you will be released." Luke 6:37

In working through the grief process, there has to be a point at which there is a decision to release the person or situation and to look ahead. Otherwise, the law of association means that you are negatively bound to the hurtful experience again and again.

When the person who is suffering releases through forgiveness the person who hurt them, they will be released from emotional, physical and spiritual repercussions.”

(((Lil Sis)))

I agree with PM. I think it is time to totally release him. If he happens to come back later of his own accord, you can decide at that point if you want him back or not.

There is a lot of happiness on the other side of this stuff. It is not the outcome that you wanted...but it is also not the end of the world. You have great kids and a lot to offer Lilsis. At this point, I believe that letting your H go will serve you well. It will allow you to start healing. This divorce stuff is going to be tough...but IMHO, it is time to let it run its course. Fight for what you are owed in court...but I don't believe that you should fight the process any longer....let it happen and let the healing begin.

MEDC

Sis, I really feel for you. I'm now thinking that my vacation was a really big trigger for me, because it highlighted to me all of the "wrongness" about my siutation. That vacation was an activity that my family had done for many years in a row, and not having the SCQ there was a big reminder of how wrong everything is.

And that roped me back in to DO SOMETHING/FIX IT mode. I think I had been making good progress towards letting go. Realizing that I can't control the SCQ or my marriage. I slipped from "I am and have been doing all that I can; I can only change me; whatever happens I know that I will be happy again and my children will be well taken care of" to "I am and have been doing all that I can, BUT if it doesn't go the way I want it will be wrong" to "It's not going the way that I want, and that really makes me angry and depressed."

We talk about it all the time as if we get it, but then we lose it again. BR has helped pound it back through my thick skull--I can only do what I can do, and to think that I can do more is a path to madness. I'm trying to Let Go without Being Done, and just talking through it and having the light bulb start to flicker a bit has already granted me some relief.

I wish it were easier, Sis, but it isn't. Give it over to God.

Regarding the court stuff and Plans and the like, I don't have any specific advice other than that your own instincts are likely not helpful. Try to listen to the experienced voices here like LG and BR or maybe consult with Steve or Jennifer.

I worry that the court stuff will drain anything you have left out of you. It certainly seems as though WH is intent on completing the divorce. You fought it as best you could, but you can't stop it, so maybe at this point it would be easier to just get it over with as quickly as possible? Save your strength for down the road? I don't know--just thinking out loud. The sooner you get out of the power struggle you're having with WH, the happier you will be.

Hi Sis,
Glad to see you are posting again.

I can totally relate to what you said about feeling like you were drowning. I have very real memories of feeling the same way. It was like I was fighting to stay afloat but the current kept pulling me under. I was desperately trying to control which way the current would take me but kept feeling like something was pulling me under. At some point during my ordeal, I decided to stop fighting the current, and I was so afraid that if I stopped fighting I would drown (figuratively speaking)...but I didn't. My fear of drowning kept me tense, and stressed and unable to see or think clearly. When I stopped fighting against the direction of the current, to my surprise I did stay afloat and made it back to shore. You will too.

You are both right, SL and meggy. I am stuck.

I do need to detach. That is a realization that I think I did come to while on vacation--crying in the shower, I think (so no one could hear, of course). My realization was this: I can't afford to care anymore about WH and recovery, etc. I just want RELIEF. I am desperate for it.

Like SD...something's got to give. Maybe meggy's right, I need to FORgive.

If WH were away, out of my life, like a college boyfriend...fine. I could move on; I did move on in those days. But this is a world apart: there are all these threads (ropes, really): family ties, a household, things we bought, dreams we shared, and most importantly, our VOWS and our CHILDREN.

I cannot figure out how to sever those threads!!!

I have ASKED God, BEGGED Him. If You don't want my marriage to recover, or if that's not your PLAN, then please pull the plug for me. Don't let me sit here, hanging on to the vows I made to You and to him, still considering myself "one" with this person who wants nothing to do with me. Just take it away, please. Help me to get out of this ditch that I am stuck in. Throw me a rescue line.

If it's His will that our marriage ends...if that's His plan...then please move me along the assembly line. Quit standing around watching me try to fit the round hole into the square peg.

Thy will be done. Emphasis on DONE.

I keep looking for that direction, keep seeking that life line, and nothing. My thoughts just keep coming around to one thing: I promised. I made a commitment. I try to do what I think is right, to stand up for what is right and just, what I believe in my heart. I feel like I am doing this on my own, like God doesn't have my back on this one. But I can't grasp that, either, because God can't want this.

I feel like He's letting me flounder, even when I'm asking for help. My faith is waning. I used to pray and read the Bible. I don't feel anything anymore. Nothing there to pull me out of this mess I'm stuck in. Just the same old stuff: Adultery = Bad. Marriage = good. Truth and love = good. Lies and selfishness = bad.

Why is it so incredibly, incredibly difficult for me, when it is so seemingly (assumption here, I know) effortless to him? What am I NOT seeing, NOT understanding? Am I just dense?

And I really WANT to detach because I feel as if these ties are sucking me down, deeper underwater. I get this incredible urge to just run away...escape this life and everything in it. I see a plane flying overhead and wish I were on it. New life. No ties.

I am afraid of this life. I am afraid of the love I have for my boys. I am afraid that I am hurting them when they have already been hurt. I am afraid that I will never FEEL again, never trust again, never love again, never allow myself to dream of a future again. I am afraid that nothing is true or real, that there is nothing to count on, to be certain of.

It has gone on so long, and I am exhausted from it. I almost wish I didn't care about WH or this marriage. I almost wish I wanted the divorce. If not caring meant that I would be free of this hurt...would it be worth it? At this point, I wonder.

Get this...how ridiculous is THIS: I wake up some mornings and the reality of this just takes my breath away. Literally. It is like a shock that goes through my whole body...total disbelief.

When I think about THAT, it truly frightens the $hit out of me. If I can't even absorb the truth of this, how the he11 am I ever going to accept it and come to terms with it, let alone move on??

So meggy says forgive. I've got several really good books on that that I was really into a while back. Lately it's seemed all kind of hokey and meaningless because I don't feel like I'm finding any answers that really help me in a practical sense...or in a more spiritual sense, even.

But since you brought it up, meggy, I'll pull those books out again tonight, and see if it helps. I'm willing to try anything at this point. But I'll warn you, I'm pretty discouraged and pessimistic right now.

I could have written these exact words not that long ago. It will pass Lilsis...it will surely pass. You are in a deep mourning for the loss you continue to suffer. Trust me, it will just take time and things will ease up....one day soon you will hear yourself laugh and be shocked at the sound...it will all become easier for you...for your WH though, things will only get harder as time goes on.

It will get better.