I hear you, but like someone else said yesterday... jump and the net will appear.

I know what you mean about "hokey and meaningless," that's why I struggled with what to say to you. I've been at that point where it all sounded like platitudes and cliches.

Your boys need a healthy mom, especially now. Just remember-- you are worthy. You are a good person. You are loved and lovable. One person doesn't change all that.

Thinking of you, Sis. Glad you are back.....

Fox

LS-
Maybe you should just get the D done as soon as possible. Maybe that will help you detach, and move on.

I know the feeling, waking up, and feeling like you could not breathe, I was feeling that way a lot when it all hit the fan with me and my WH.

But, I read a lot, distracted myself as much as I could, started going out with friends again, started to FEEL again.

And suddenly, I was like, "what am I doing? I am pining after someone that does not want to be with ME any longer... why am I sad? What am I waiting for? Him to decide that he is going to bestow his presence on me? That he wants ME back after all of this?"

It released me... I would just repeat to myself "if he wanted to call, he would. If he wanted to see you, he would." I would say these things whenever I was tempted. Maybe it is about time that you released yourself? You LET yourself move forward with the D, and into your future...You are still a complete, whole, intelligent, caring woman. You are loved and cared about by a LOT of people. Maybe you should take the time now to release yourself, and LOVE YOURSELF...without thinking of WH in any of it.

I do not know if I ever told you about the book, "obsessive love" I read it when I felt about how you feel now. It really was an eye opener for me, and it did help me a lot.

I wish you happiness!

((lilsis))

I was right where you are last summer. Vacation with my DS15 and DD21 at our favorite place on the Pacific. I was struggling so much with everything that was happening. I was waiting for an appointment with a surgeon to have my mastectomy. I truly didn't think I could cope with the fact that my WH had left us and I was going to have surgery for cancer.

Yet, God in His amazing wisdom knew that this was coming and used the timing to help me lean on Him and come out stronger-in spite of the mess that my now XH created. As a doers and thinker, I struggled so much. I just KNEW there must be a solution out there.

I was drowning in the fact that there was nothing I could do, because it was out of my control. My WH was unwilling to even try to work on our M. I was powerless.

DD25 said once that cancer and chemo probably saved me from going crazy trying to "fix" the problem in my M. I can now say that I agree. I had to learn to be still and let God do what only God can do in my stillness. I had to cling to Him even when I didn't want to, even when I was tired of the place I was at.

When I first was diagnosed with cancer last August, I stood in my backyard looking at the stars and asked God why. His words to Job came back to me in these verses "Do you call out the beautiful Pleiades, do you loose Orion's cords?" Orion was right above me. I realized in that moment that the God who created the universe was in control. In His sovereignty He can glance at the beginning of everything to its end and know what would happen and what will happen. He didn't choose this for you. He gave your WH free will, just like He gave Adam and Eve. And He suffered greatly for that. His desire was to be in relationship with them (and us) but He wanted them to choose Him. Even though He knew what they would do, He still gave them that choice. That's why He sent Jesus, to restore that relationship. And Jesus knew what was going to happen. Jesus knows how it feels to be betrayed. He knows what this is like.

God knew I needed to be still so He could keep me safe. He knew what it would take (apparently I am very hard headed and need to be knocked onto my back for months in order to be still ). Yet, I can't believe I am saying this, I know that my cancer and treatments have been a gift, beyond this circumstance.

I don't believe God gave me cancer. We live in a fallen world where cells mutate and people get cancer (plus lots of other stuff). I do believe He knew it would happen and He, in His wisdom, used it to help me learn more about Him.

God knows what you need. He is here for you. He is even big enough to deal with your faltering faith. He really does love us that much.

Lilsis:

Remember where you came from.

The jail house floor.

You want pain? Go back to that.

Everything going forward from that was growth to you.

That's the hand of GOD your missing here.

That hand has swept you forward, and WH has found a way to avoid it.

Or maybe he gets caught up in the next sweep.

Is there pain and darkness in your life?

Yes.

And until you decide its time to walk away from that, it will stay there.

You have broken no vows.

Someone else has. And he has made no attempt to make amends for that.

Chin up.

Let you lawyer do your divorce. Speed it up, slow it down. Whatever.

The pain isn't caused by that, although it is a reminder of the pain. It is caused by the choices of your WH. That he continues to make.

Make your choices as well. We try to help folks restore thier M's around here, but that requires choices to be made. The BS has to make choices, and the WS has to make choices.

Make your choices. The pain will start to ease when you move forward with a sense of purpose.

You were living with a liar for many years, long before dday, and even before the start of the actual EA/PA. You can not expect that to change overnight, and WH is content where he is.

You should no longer be content to stay where you are.

Embrace the sense of purpose, and make your choices.

LG

(((LilSis)))

I could of written what you have written,

I too am floundering in my faith, I am tired.

I take comfort from what others are saying to you. And maybe this time next year (can't imagine) we will be in a much better place.

Still

Maybe I don't know HOW to jump, or step off the ledge like Indiana Jones in the third movie.

I hear exactly what you all are saying. I hear the need to let God take charge, to let him work his plan, to be still...you say this so eloquently, you really do. I'm so inspired by your stories.

What I'm trying to express is that I don't know what that MEANS for me in an everyday, practical sense. I feel like I've been asking God to give me some sense of direction...a sense of PURPOSE as LG described...because I have NO idea what that direction, what my purpose is. Turns out God's not showing his cards.

All I ever wanted was a family of my own. I had it, and now I've lost it....at least in the way that I "knew" it would be. I never wanted to be rich or famous or spectacular in any way. I just wanted a family, and planned my life accordingly. Now that that option is off the table, I am utterly lost...this possibility never factored into the equation. I have to create a whole new future, new life plan, new vision....after almost 40 years of treasuring one that is now out of my grasp.

I can see why--metaphorically--this situation just cries out for me to let go and let God.

Where I get stuck, however, is the reality of it. God's not going to magically make milk appear in the fridge at 6 a.m. when someone drank the last of it last night. God's not going to get the kids to their dentist appointment. God's certainly not going to make the call when it comes down to property settlement: pension or house?

I am responsible. No one else is going to step in and save me or bail me out. This is my life, my house, my kids, my future. I'm in this alone.

I have to make sound, rational decisions about important matters. I would love love love for God to whisper the right answers in my ear. Or even a clue. Even a hint. I got nuthin'. And I'm scared. I don't trust myself anymore, because clearly I made very poor choices in the past...and I don't dare trust anyone else either, because look what happens when I do that. Stabbed in the back.

I WANT God to take charge. But I'm the one who still has to live out the life He has planned. And I don't KNOW what he wants from me. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I'm trying to do the right things. I'd like to live a life that honors His creation.

But the Bible doesn't cover what to do when your husband leaves you and your kids for the OW (who was once your "friend" but now wants you locked up) while he lives with his parents who love you like a daughter but defend their son's actions....I'm being overly dramatic here but you get the point: the Bible is a wonderful beacon giving us direction, but it doesn't necessarily show us how to specifically navigate through the middle of the minefield called lfe.

Please answer me this....do you think that if I'm still...if I just concentrate really hard on stopping my mind from spinning and very deliberately turn my focus inward...that He will guide me? Do you think that the correct path will reveal itself? That I will find serenity and peace with my place in life?

Is this what you are saying??????

Meggy: I hope I didn't sound critical or give the impression that I was minimizing your suggestion...I didn't intend it that way...I was trying to say that I was taking your words to heart and would give it a try. I'll pull out those books and see if they resonate with me.

still: I'm glad my words can speak for you, and that you share that with me. We are not completely alone, are we.

No we are not alone in this. Even when we feel like everything we have cherished is crashing around us we can come here and people that have been through this horrible experience can tell us life does get better. Regardless if we "save" our marriage or not. Because they are now living better lives.

I'm looking forward to my better life... and I think it will be without WH.

Still

It isn't God's will that your husband betray you. God gave your husband free will and he chose to leave his wife and children -- for a woman who would help him betray his marriage vows.

God didn't plan this life for you. God allowed your husband to make decisions that were evil. Pure evil. Tossing aside a wife and children.

You aren't breaking your marriage vows by continuing with the divorce. You are acknowledging his choice, made by his free will, to break his vows.

You can still be open to your husband but the decision is his to return. It's like the prodigal son. The father didn't go looking for him. The father waited. The son decided to return.

I'm not sure you ever really can divorce and move on if you have children together and both of you want to be involved in raising the children. You can stand back. You can accept his free will choice to leave you. You can pray for him. And you can make sure that you and your children have the best possible life that you can make for your new, single-parent family. Of your own free will, you can do your best under circumstances you had never imagined.

Cherished

LS-
What I think that it means by "letting God" is to do this:
Not keep fighting for something that is NOT in your grasp right now. To give up the fight. Let it go out of your hands, wash your hands of it.

I think that you need to do that. LET GO. Just convince yourself that WH is gone, that you have to make a go of your life now.

I understand too what you are saying about your plan, with a family. I too struggled with that. But then I realized that maybe God has a different plan for me... That maybe all WH's purpose in my life was to bless me with two wonderful children, that I would not ever even wish that WH were not their father... because then they would not be themselves...

I also became close to WH's family, and they would help me in any way that they can. I am blessed by them.

I know that it is not your plan, but make a new plan... My plan is taking care of me, my family, friends, pets... you get the idea. My life is full, and I do not miss WH that much anymore. Maybe if you change your plan, instead of still planning on your WH to come back, and leaving your life kind of in limbo, maybe now start planning your life WITHOUT him.

God has not abandoned you, sometimes we try so hard to alter his plan for us, that we get lost along the way. Let go, and live!!!

LilSis:

I'm only two days into the dark. I jumped - hoping and praying for God to reveal the net.

I prayed fo a peace tha tpasses all understanding. Even though I;m only two days in I feel a sense of peace, and I don't understand it. It's almost scary.

WW continues her childish antics - and confirms I made the right decision.

God's will vs. Free will - the raging debate. God hates divorce, but he provides an out for us (adultery) becuase He also give us free will to make decisions, and unfortunately in our fallen state we make decisions against His will.


take it a step further - ask Him to stop your mind from spinning because you can't do it in your own power. When we are weak, He is strong.

Something I struggle with is this - prayer is not a one-way communication with God. We have to listen to Him. How do we do that? How do you do that?

He definitely speaks through His word. Read the word - the truth, the only truth.

He speaks through the people we surround ourselves with. You've experienced that here on MB, but it's also great to have people locally in face-to-face contact.

I hear Him in the music I listen to.

But the point is, make it a two way communication.

Hang in there - you will be in my prayers.

Oh - you asked how to jump.

Did you ever do the trust fall? It's just like that - you just let go and fall.

I hope my sig is not a trigger for you right now.

(((LilSis)))

I will trust you to believe me when I say I understand that feeling of losing everything I ever wanted and planned my life around.

If you need to do something symbolic to let go, try this:

Go get some helium balloons. Write WH’s name on one. Write whatever else you want to give over to God on the others (ex. – resentment toward MIL, need for control, hatred of OW – whatever you are ready for). Go outside, say a little prayer and tell God you are sending all of these things to Him. Release them and watch them until they are out of sight.

Then, next time you are in a tug-of-war with God to take these things back, take a deep breath. As you slowly exhale, picture whatever you are struggling with leaving your body and tell God once again you are letting Him take it.

Plus, if you ask Him to, He will carry your burdens for you for awhile. I never asked Him to take them away forever - just until I was strong enough to handle them again. I vividly remember doing this one day in the car on the way to work and knowing that He did lift them off my shoulders right them.

God will not suddenly give you a roadmap***. Part of joy and the pain of life is not knowing what will happen tomorrow.

***I really stated this wrong. God does give us a road map. What He doesn't give us is directions. It is up to us to figure out which way to go, and how to get there.

SHOL

SHOL - what a beautiful and symbolic gesture.

I recommend that you read GOD'S WORD as Eph suggests to work towards FAITH...read the NEW TESTAMENT..especially the words of JESUS..in the RED...listen as if HE is speaking to you when he says.."I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU"..also Paul's letters..where Paul talks about his own SUFFERING and how he was SAVED by turning to his PERSONAL SAVIOR...

Read with a BURNING DESIRE..OBSESSION....saying "HELP ME, FATHER..come into my heart, LORD JESUS"

Read especially when you are feeling DESPERATE and EMOTIONAL...

It's a matter of SOAKING these messages in...trying to turn off all NEGATIVE THOUGHTS and VOICES..

IMO, your H is being ruled by EVIL FORCES and should not be forgiven until he REPENTS and ASKS THE LORD FOR FORGIVENESS...this is FIRST between HIM and GOD...

This is what the BIBLE says..the sinner has to first REPENT in order to be FORGIVEN...


What I'm saying is, it may help YOU to feel better to forgive him with a small F but he will not TRULY BE FORGIVEN...

Enough of my PREACHING for today...

Sorry..I LOVE THE LORD...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lilsis,

Your post just brought back emotions and memories of my own experience. My XWH had an affair with a good friend and my son’s Godmother. I stayed in the marriage for 18 months trying to hang onto my marriage. I felt as though I had a dark cloud that stayed with me constantly. I honestly don’t know how I functioned during that time. I had trouble sleeping, eating, and when I was able to sleep, I woke up hoping everything was just a bad dream; then I would start crying because I realize I was living this nightmare, it wasn’t a dream.

I just want you to know that life does go on. You will love and trust again; it does take time, don’t rush it. Most important; trust in the Lord. Remember this, he will answer your prayers according to his time, not ours, because he knows what’s best for us.

Hugs

How—is starting today you live your life as if your husband does not exist. Because he doesn’t. Not the one you love. The man you are pining for is gone. He may return, he may not. Even if he does, the road ahead is difficult. Even though my DH returned, it has not been an easy thing. Even now, I have those moments where I wonder if I should have just let him go back then. It’s hard, hard, hard.

Purpose—those two boys are your purpose for today and the next few years. Whatever it takes. Trust me, they won’t be little forever. These ARE “the good old days” now. Don’t waste them on the past.


There was never a guarantee that your life would remain the same or that you would live happily ever after with your DH. Marriage takes work and your WH wasn’t willing to do that. Is it fair? Heck no. But what can you possibly do to make your dream come true now? Only YOU can begin to make that happen (with DH or someone else that God puts in your life). You’ll never realize it again if you remain in the place you are.


You’re right. God is not going to magically do anything. He will provide but it’s up to you what you do with that provision. Again, your job TODAY is to make that run to the store, get those boys to their appointments, decide which settlement is BEST for you and your boys. You’re a smart woman LilSis. Think with your head and not your heart when it comes to business matters.


PEOPLE will let you down every time. PEOPLE have flaws and are selfish, even when they try not to be. God never fails or changes. He is the God of TODAY. He’s not the God of “gonna do” or the God of “did”, He’s the God of NOW. If we had the answers to all of our questions about life, there would be no room for hope or faith. As Eph. suggested, the answers you seek are in His Word. Truly. Even the day to day answers.


Yes, you do have to live out this life but it’s not necessarily as HE planned. His plan is for relationship with you. Worship from you in your daily life, in all the things you do. He wants you to talk to Him and to listen. He doesn’t care about your WORKS. He desires your heart. If he has your heart, your life will reflect that. He wants you to trust Him—even in the darkness.


Oh but it does. Here are a few:

Anger:
• Proverbs 15:1
• Matthew 5:21-26, 43-48
• Ephesians 4:26,27,31,32
• James 1:19-21
Anxiety/Worry:
• Psalm 25
• Luke 12:22-31
• John 14:1-7
• 1 Peter 5:7
• 1 John 4:13-18
Confusion
• Psalm 37
• Ephesians 4:14
• Colossians 2:8
• 2 Thessalonians 2:1-17
• 1 John 2:3-6; 4:1-3
• Jude 3,4, 17-25
Depression
• Psalms 16, 130
• Lamentations 3:18-24
• Romans 3:21-26; 5:1-11; 8:31-39
• Ephesians 3:14-21
• Hebrews 4:16
Disappointment
• Psalm 55
• Jeremiah 15:10-21
• Matthew 5:1-12
Discouragement
• Psalms 42, 43, 62
• 2 Corinthians 1:3,4; 4:1-5:10
• Philippians 3:12-16; 4:10-13
Doubt
• Psalms 8, 146
• Proverbs 30:5
• Mark 4:35-41
• John 14:8-14; 20:24-29
• James 1:5-8
Fear
• Psalms 27, 46
• Luke 12:4-7
• John 6:16-21
Frustration
• Job 36:1-33
• Matthew 7:7-11
Jealousy
• Exodus 20:17
• Proverbs 23:17; 27:4
• Romans 13:11-14
• 1 Corinthians 3:1-3
• James 3:13-18
Loneliness
• Psalm 22
• John 10:14-16, 27-30; 14:15-21
Procrastination
• Proverbs 18:9; 21:25,26
• Matthew 25:1-13
• Titus 3:14
Rejection
• Psalm 38
• Isaiah 52:13-53:12
• Matthew 9:9-13
• John 15:18-16:4
• Ephesians 1:3-14
• 1 Peter 2:4-10
Revenge
• Leviticus 19:17,18
• Isaiah 25:1-5
• Matthew 5:38-42
• Romans 12:17-21
Sadness
• Psalm 34
• John 16:16-24
• 2 Corinthians 1:3-6
Stress
• Numbers 6:24-26
• John 14:27
• 1 Corinthians 1:3
• Philippians 4:8,9
• Colossians 3:1-4, 15
Weariness
• Isaiah 35; 40:28-31
• Matthew 11:28-30


Instead of very deliberately turning your focus inward, try turning your focus upward… to Him. Pick up your Bible and start reading again. Buy some inspirational CDs and books. Have a prayer time with your boys. Find out what’s on their hearts. Teach them to talk to God.

I know this is long and I apologize. I hope something I’ve said speaks to your heart.

LS,
you said "What I'm trying to express is that I don't know what that MEANS for me in an everyday, practical sense. I feel like I've been asking God to give me some sense of direction...a sense of PURPOSE as LG described...because I have NO idea what that direction, what my purpose is. Turns out God's not showing his cards."

Have you stopped to think that he might be showing his cards, but since it is not what you want it to be, you aren't 'seeing' it?

Have you stopped to think that your purpose might - at this time - be mother, daughter, sister - not wife? Not to say that wife will not be in your job description in the future.

Have you stopped to think that God does not answer with fast food answers -you don't order and walk off with a tray full of stuff that may or may not be good for you?

Instead he sees the big picture- and he gives you what you need at the time - not everything on your order. I have always heard that our timing and His timing do not match up. I honestly think that is what is happening. He is in control- it just may not be what you want or when you want it.

I agree with the others - get back into the Word- not just reading books on different topics- just get into God's Word.

Hang in there- I know lots of us are still prayng for you.

Ahhh.on another thread ForeverHers quoted one of my favorite passages from Paul in Phillipians..



MEDIATE ON THESE THINGS..not the NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

My personal favorite right now is this:

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV):
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.