My husband's parents divorced because his father had an affair and married his OW. My MIL is STILL bitter, more than 25 years later because of her "loss of family". After her divorce she told the boys (my husband and his brother) that they were no longer a "real" family. They stopped having Sunday family dinners, Christmas celebrations, Thanksgiving dinners. She told them that there was "no point" because they weren't a whole family anymore. It was probably one of the most destructive things she could have ever said and done to them. This is the thing that sticks out the most when my husband talks about his family...that without his dad they were no longer a real family.

If your husband had died, would that mean that you no longer are a family? Absolutely not! You and your children are a family, with or without your WH. The hard thing to realize is that your husband IS dead...and he has been (maybe temporarily, maybe permanently) replaced by the WH. If you were a widow, you would find a strength inside yourself to do what is necessary to be the family for your boys. You need to do that now. You are no less of a mother just because you aren't a wife, and yours is no less a family now then it was before. Please remember this!!!

Great post MF

Sis,
In my experience, pain is often the catalyst for change and growth. There are lessons in the pain. Ask God What is it you need to learn. Ask Him what would He have you to do? Open your heart to God. Be sincere with Him. Lean on Him.
Look for His answers in your everyday life. There is a chance for you to truly grow from this experience, but you have to be willing to have faith and depend on God. Think about it, you have made it this far, you could not have gotten through this without HIM. God has never left you. Your WH has, but God is waiting for you to turn to HIM and have complete faith and trust in Him. Never trust man more than you trust God. God is doing His work on you but as long as you continue to fight with Him you may not hear what he is trying to communicate to you. Be still. Ask Him to show you the way. He will Sis. His answers may not be what you want right now, but if you are willing to place your faith in HIM and trust HIM you will make it. Read the book of JOB in the bible. He lost everything of importance to Him but remained faithful to God. Don't lose your faith.

You mentioned that God is not showing His cards, that is part of the reason you must learn to put your complete trust and faith in HIM. Even when you have no idea what the plan is. Trust that He will guide you through this maze.

I would also add, as someone else has, count your blessings. In spite of the pain, rejoice in the Lord for what you HAVE today, because you are blessed with your health, your boys, your mom and sisters, and friends and supporters. There are many who don't have that.

We are praying for you and pulling for you sis.

Sis,

I often wondered what God's purpose was in the events of my childhood.

I was the victim of serial molestation. I was raped several times. I was also the victim of physical abuse, one time at the felony level. Right after that felony abuse, my father beat me again - because, get this, I had bruises that showed from the prior beating, and he didn't like that.

I spent many nights begging God to relieve me. I asked Him to make me forget the sexual abuse (which was not at the hands of my father, by the way, not that it makes it any better). I begged God to remove those memories, to make them not real, to make them stop haunting me.

I begged God to make my father go away, to make my parents divorce.

God's answer was, "No".

Ultimately, my life came to a point where the Lord showed me that the answer to my pain was in His hands, His model.

Forgiveness.

God broke me down until I finally was able to forgive, and only then was I able to build back up again.

I was, literally, on the floor before I broke. But God did lift me up. But I fell many, many, many times before I saw that message from Him.

No, the process of forgiving was not easy, as you know. But it was the only thing that made me really free from the pain, and from the constant trap of memories and dreams, the daily tears and fears.

It was only in forgiving that I found release.

I can say honestly that I do not have dreams anymore about the rapes or beatings. The memories are there, but they are devoid of emotion, as though God came in and took the sound and music away from the scary movie, and so it holds no power anymore. They simply are events that occurred, I know of them, and I hold the power over them, not the other way around.

I attribute that power to the Lord's guidance through the process of forgiveness.

Somehow, I came to understand that the transgressors were weak, sinful, impure, selfish, and lost souls who were full of self-hatred. They rose in the morning unable to look at themselves in the mirror because they knew of their own despicable acts. Yet they could not stop themselves, and inside their minds and hearts hated themselves while they continued to do the very thing they hated themselves for doing. They could not tear themselves away from evil, instead found themselves glorifying in it, and all the while still knowing that the price they will pay will be forever... They were not happy, and they laid awake in the dark wondering how to stop themselves, half-wanting to, but knowing the whole time that they were too weak to make the effort to change themselves. They were sucked in, attached to evil, and had made the choice to live in it.

How can you not feel sorry for such a human? They are almost hopeless.

I say "almost", because I know that they have a way out.

One of my transgressors found that way out. My father.

He has made restitution, apologized, and has returned into my life with humility, remorse, and lives his life in a very different way than ever before.

The other man is an alcoholic who lives with his third wife and is not happy.........I worry for him still. His wife is a Christian woman who attends church and begs him to go with her, and he resists. I wonder that his mind and guilt stand in the way? I pray for him to come out into the light.

I have forgiven them both, equally.

Whether they repent or not, God will do His work in their lives in His way.

And He will work in my life in His way as well.

And in yours. Your job is to let God do His job, and to believe that He will. To follow His command, and to

Trust in the Lord.

Gather your trust into your heart. Because even if you don't get exactly what you ask for in your prayers, it doesn't mean you are not getting what God wants for you.

There are some guarantees in this life, Sis. The Lord is watching over you, and He is hearing your prayers. He IS guiding you. He does love you. He does know what is best for you.

One way to look at it is this - Have you ever looked at the back side of a needlepoint picture? It just looks like a bunch of yarn, and you cannot tell what the top side looks like at all. God has the top view, all the time. WE have the bottom view.

Schoolbus

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, Thyself hast trod,
Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife
In the calm light of everlasting life.

Thank you all. Much of this I needed to hear. I have been feeling so alone, deserted by God...and resenting Him for it. And feeling ashamed of those feelings, because clearly I am blessed in so many, many ways. And then it cycles around...those blessings are hard to acknowledge; I feel undeserving of them when I am such a wreck, so ungrateful.

I feel like a spoiled kid.

And the past couple of days I have been sick...really unable to get out of bed. I've never had a migraine, but maybe this was it. Head exploding, face puffy, nauseous, dizzy, horrible dreams. It started Thursday night; by yesterday mid-morning all I could do was climb in bed. This morning I was in tears from the pain, so I broke down and called SIL for help. She called MIL who came and got the boys. I just woke up about 6 and came down to have some yogurt.

I've been thinking of Johnstwin and how she had to be knocked down by cancer in order to be still. (not that this compares, but the thought occurred)

Eph: I do listen! I try to hear and can't discern anything. I used to feel that I could have these conversations with God, but lately there's just been silence. That is scary, too.

SHOL: I had thought of the balloon thing, too. The boys and I have also written things on the sand at the beach, to be taken away with the waves.

mimi: Read when desperate and emotional. I have done this. What I think ends up happening is that it gives me hope, some sense of expectation that I will be okay, and then something else happens, and I'm left wondering...hey, wait a minute. I thought you would never forsake me. Like a promise unfulfilled...which is a very sore point for me right now.

I know that it's God's time, not mine. When I'm feeling really in the depths, however, this is just plain discouraging.

IMO: It is very reassuring to hear your story and those of others who have survived it; who are happy and fulfilled in spite of a marriage that never recovered.

You know what I wish? That I could finally mine the bottom of this pit of pain and hurt. Get to the bottom. It feels so deep already, and to know that I'm not done, that there's more pain coming...discouraging.

Lots of discouragement.

Doesn't help being pretty much flattened, unable to eat, stand up, or function physically. Which also reminds me that I have no one to "take care of me" when I'm sick...KWIM? And how resentful I am of that.

A little glimmer in this has been that I need to STOP feeling sorry for myself for the fact that I don't have a husband to take care of me and be grateful that there are people around who do love me enough to do what they can. They may not get up with me in the middle of the night to get me a washcloth after I've thrown up, but they can take the boys for the day so that I can sleep.

MF: Could very, very well be that I'm not "seeing" the cards he has out for me. I'm too tired and worn out at the moment to even want to look for cards. I just want to feel better.

IC talked to me about that...I still have so much anger, and he pointed out that it's important for me to remember and remind myself that the anger projected on to others is just a way of expressing the TRUTH: which is that I am deeply hurt and in pain. I own this. Projecting anger on to others in not productive, since I have not control. (sound familiar?)

Sounds great in theory, but I need to get more practiced at that. Anger comes to the surface easier than the hurt does...or at a minimum they cycle back and forth...hurt because of WH becomes anger at the unfairness of it...and on and on.

Meggy...not too long at all. In fact, much of what you said touched on what IC and I talked about, so it is an excellent reinforcement. Here's where I get stuck. I don't WANT to live in today. Today sucks. I feel like I'm functioning just at the level where I'm doing what has to be done: kids, work, house...and today, I can't even do that because being vertical for any length of time makes me sick.

I wish I COULD live as if WH were dead, but I can't. I still have to turn the kids over to him a couple of times a week. I still have to battle him out in court TWICE this week. I still have triggers right and left. I can't think of ANYTHING that has happened the last three years of my life and not realize that they were a LIE. That's a third of DS8s life and a quarter of DS11s. And thinking of the years prior to the A makes me sad for what's lost. See what I mean? Spoiled, ungrateful brat. Grow up, LS.

robertswife and schoolbus: Your two posts together pretty much capture the essence of it. I was reading one of my forgiveness books (and I don't want to get into the whole forgiveness debate here). In it, the author said something about a Jewish saying that went somehting like this....if someone repents seeks forgiveness, grant it and leave it behind. If someone does not repent or seek forgiveness, grant it anyway an leave the avenging to God.

I read the "leave the avenging to God" as turning WH over to God. If I cannot even turn myself over to God, how do I do this?

robertswife...I so want to be able to do as you suggest. I will try again, from my beaten down state...desperate and emotional as mimi said...and hope this time I won't expect the "fast food" answer. Maybe it's hitting that one-year anniversary...that now there's a greater sense of urgency to be PAST the pain, instead of still moving through it.

I guess to bypass the whole forgiveness debate, to me there is spiritual forgiveness that can only be granted by God to a repentant sinner, but for those of us here...we have to do something to continue to live in a world surrounded by people who have hurt us and don't acknowledge it. Call it forgiveness, call it letting go of the anger/resentment...whatever.

I know that I have to let go of the anger. It is simply masking the pain. I'm using it as a way to distract myself from the pain...but it is clearly not beneficial to me to hold on to tht anger. It is just hurting me more and consumes energy that I could be using to make myself into a better person, better mom, better friend. And I have to believe that this is what God wants for me.

SB: You are so honest and so open. I hope it isn't painful for you to put this out there for me. What you are saying resonates with me; I just hope I am as tuned in to God as you have been through your struggles, which eclipse mine by miles.

Another glimmer....that WH really is a sad, lost soul for whom I should really feel regret and sadness, not anger. But I keep making it about ME, my hurt, my pain. I have been so fixated lately on how WH is just living his life happy and carefree...and how unfair that is. Truthfully, if one can do what he has done and even PRETEND to live happy and carefree, that is just sad and pathetic. And I should not concern myself with making sure that others agree with me on that...I should just KNOW, have confidence in mySELF, that this is true.

KNOW that what WH has done to me is unfair and that he had no right, absolutely NO right, to do what he did...but he did it anyway...and I have to make the most of what's left in the wake of that destruction and devastation.

Some days it just seem so insurmountable. Like looking at a heart, broken in to so many pieces, some just shattered into dust, and wondering how and the HECK can I ever put these together? What I'm hearing is that I need to let God do this for me and stop even trying. While he's doing that, just accept today, lean on the resources I have, and have faith that someday I will feel happiness again.

It feels like such a long, long way off...and I'm just tired. 13 months today...somedays I don't feel like there's any less pain at all...it's just a little different. Now it's more deep, more abiding, chronic, where as before it was open, on the surface, bleeding wounds.

Sorry, guys....sooo rambling here. Better go back to bed. I have been afraid to open the Bible and try again...maybe now would be a good time.

(((LilSis)))

It's all I have right now.

Sis,

It causes me no pain to talk of forgiving, and little pain to talk of my history.

Because I have forgiven, the pain truly has faded. I cannot explain this phenomenon, but there is truth in it.

The memories of what happened to me are there, and there are times that I think of the things that happened to me, and I do find sadness there. Usually it is when I am comforting a child at work who is in the same situation. But I myself find comfort knowing that there IS a way out, and I always share that way out with the children who disclose to me. Somehow, I have had several events in my life's work where children have come to me to tell me of such tragedies in their lives...and I am not in the business of psychology...and am not their teacher nor had I before been their confidant...but somehow they find me in the system. Very odd, but I believe in God's work and hand in this.

I understand the idea of feeling like the memories, the pain, that they are insurmountable.

They are surmountable, Sis.



I reached the point where I felt I had to DO something, you know that point well............

I think that you need to let go of part of this, though.

The part WH is responsible for.

So let him clean his own house.

Imagine buying two brooms. You give one to your WH. You keep one.

What he does with his is his own business.

You clean your own house.

Whether or not his house gets clean is not your responsibility.

But you can wear out your own broom if you'd like.


If it helps, the next time the boys want to buy a gift for dad, add a broom to the mix, from you.

And say nothing.

You would know what it was for, and the symbolism for yourself.



And you CAN be sure that WH feels badly about what he has done. He told you he knew it was wrong.

People fight the darkness. It is our nature. We do not want to be separated from God. The problem is that right now, WH is not fighting hard enough, and is caving in to the dark side of himself. But you have to know that he is paying a price for it, when he tries to sleep at night.

The anger you have is also understandable. Be careful with it. Everything in your life doesn't come from what WH is doing. Don't allow yourself to dip into the anger that comes from the A, and spread it into the small things that happen in your life, like running out of laundry detergent, or missing the bus. This is easy to do, and can feel right, but it can become addictive. It can creep into you and lead you down a very dark path. Watch this. I was not vigilant here, because I was young and inexperienced, and it ate up too much of me.


WH is sad and pathetic. He may not know it right now. Others have already told him, but his pride is in the way. His pride may prevent his own recovery, and the recovery of your marriage. I wish this were not true, but he seems very stubborn, and wants to prove how "right" he is. Even though he has shown cracks along the way. And although you may be near the end of this fight, I am not convinced you want to give up yet. Are you? In Plan B, you work on yourself. That means you need to worry about you. Let WH work on his own housekeeping - believe me, in his sad and pathetic way, he is torturing himself with what he is doing. He is being judged every day by those in his life, and by his Maker, and, by his own mind when he lies awake at night.

You will feel happiness again, to be sure. But you won't forget how you feel now, because you are living this pain. I cannot forget how I felt back then, but I don't still "feel" that pain. You can learn to release the pain, and release these feelings of anger and resentment.

Give him his own [email]d@mn[/email] broom.

Schoolbus

Warning – personal religious beliefs posted – not trying to challenge or persuade anyone, just relating my own experiences.

LilSis,

This probably seems like a “DUH” to most people, but it took me a lot of time and emotional stress to figure this one out for myself…

I believe God wants us to have a personal relationship with Him. That can mean a whole gamut of emotions. Just like children will sometimes get angry with their parents when they don’t get their own way, it is okay to get angry with God. Not mature, maybe, but okay. He can take it. If, as a parent, you make an unpopular decision you know is for the best, and your DS stomps off saying he hates you, you still know you are doing the right thing. And you also know DS actually loves you – he is just angry at the moment.

If we try to hold back our emotions toward God, we do not have a complete relationship with Him. Because I had a shortened relationship with my father (I was 22 when he died) and a strained relationship with my mother, it took me a long time to figure out what a healthy adult parent/child relationship should look like. That is what I now try to have with God. There are plenty of times I can still act like a spoiled child. We will never “mature” to God’s level. And of course some people take their tantrums to extremes (WH for instance).

I wasn’t able to truly have a genuine relationship with God until I told Him I was angry with Him for not stopping things that happened in my life. I had nowhere to go with that anger. And you know what – He didn’t care that I was angry. He wrapped His love around me to comfort me in spite of it.

It really is okay – He’s strong and He knows what is in our hearts.

So if you need to get angry go ahead and direct it at God - even if it is misplaced anger, He doesn't care. He will be there for you.

That's what I try to offer you, Sis. We are in similar places, reacting in similar ways. When something clicks for me, I try to pass it along, but mostly I want to let you know that I understand what you're feeling.

(((Sis)))

(((sd)))

As I mentioned to you, I was also at the beach yesterday. The beach is honestly and truly my favorite place in the world. Whenever I do one of those things where they tell you to go to your "quiet place" or "happy place," it's the beach. Specifically, 12-Mile Beach at Pictured Rocks. Quiet, warm, feel of the soft sand, sun on my face, sound of the water, expansive sky and water and sand, with the forest of pines behind the dunes. Ahhhh....

Great Lakes beaches, I decided, trump New England beaches. Like DS11 said when we walked out of the woods and onto the dune yesterday, "The sand feels like cotton!" The sand on the Cape was gritty. It's good to be home, to our cottony sand.

I digress...

I keep reading sd's thread, and fox's thread, and really taking to heart all the things that people are posting to me. SB, I am cleaning house. Or, at the very least, looking at my own mess instead of peeking through the window of ILs house to see the mess that WH has created. For the moment, my mess looks a heck of a lot less intimidating. I have dust bunnies, he's got a leaky roof and falling down plaster. Why am I worrying about how to repair leaks? It's not my house. I don't want THAT mess.

He needs a shop-vac, not a broom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The thing you said about anger...letting it seep out...I see this in me. I fear it. Having fun, being happy, laughing, being with friends, being confident at work....that's the antidote to the anger: I'm okay. When I'm alone, scared, feeling defeated, it gets me in its claws, and I start ruminating on it. As you said, it eats me up: I'm not okay.

This weekend might have been--emphasis on MIGHT, because it seems as if these come and go--a watershed weekend for me. I was so down. Just exhausted and sick and stressed out. My own bottom, maybe? More likely I'm just hitting bottom again. Can't quite keep myself afloat.

This week, you might recall, is my week of court. Remember, I had a repreive until Aug. 2. That once seemed so far away... Now I have court on Aug 3 as well, to settle the arrears thing.

So this morning, my sister drove an hour so she could come with me to visit my A and get prepared for the upcoming festivities. I haven't spent any time with my A since early winter, so this was the first time we have really talked about anything.

First let me say how blessed I am to have my sisters. Sister L came today, then turned around and drove the hour back home. Sister B is coming tomorrow, from 7 hours away, to stay with me until Sunday, so she can be with me for both court dates.

Isn't that amazing?

Anyway, one of the first things my A said was, "Ya know, hun, this thing is gonna happen. How ya doin' with that?" Not good, I said, but what choice do I have? To which he just nods. We went over a bunch of stuff and nothing totally relevatory or amazing came out of it. If we don't settle on Thursday (which we won't, since my A and I just now talked about what I'm needing/expecting), then a trial date will be set, about three months from now.

By then things will probably fall into place...not much can be done to slow it down. Once a settlement is presented to the court, it's just a week or so to finalize paperwork and that's that. Marriage over.

As I said, nothing relevatory about settlement or anything. These things are pretty much standard. The only thing that I had REALLY hoped there was a way around was the whole RT thing; what what restrictions could be placed on WH in terms of exposing the kids to his "romantic relationships." Absolutely none, says the A. Once it's done, WH can do whatever he likes.

This just makes me ill. Truly. Just like all of us here, I cannot imagine putting my children in the position of forcing a relationship with the individual who destroyed their family; who was once Mom's friend, but now is dad's girlfriend, whose kids were once friends but are now hanging out with our dad who doesn't live with us anymore. It's creepy and vile.

I don't feel ready. There are moments when I think, just get the dam thing over with...but then I think of the kids, and what they will have to go through, and I think of the fact that it is a MARRIAGE, not a piece of paper; this is the good man that I loved, who is losing everything because of his own pride and delusions. I probably would never feel ready, but as SL said once, there's never an emotionally convenient time for these things.

At the beach yesterday, I had my pad and pen (don't leave home without it). On it, I wrote over and over "The only one who can heal WH is God." Over and over.

One thing that has been preventing me from living in TODAY was this sense of impending doom about the recent anniversaries (d-day, separation) and the upcoming court dates. The anniversaries are past, he's been gone over a year, and the court dates will come--and since this morning's meeting, I have a much better idea of where I stand and what the likely outcomes are going to be.

What will be will be. I can put those particular fears to rest now. How much worse can it be than anything I have gone through so far, and survived?

Even with the kids, and what they will go through when they have to be with RT...I can't do anything about it. I have no legal recourse. I have done all I can. I can only hold my head up with the boys and show them what it looks like to be a person who makes every effort to live a life of integrity, a person who admits mistakes and wrong-doing, takes responsibility for them, and tries to correct them.

Not perfect, not by a stretch, but a mom they can be proud of and admire.

That's my biggest fear lately, and especially this weekend since I was so sick for two of the three days they were home and hardly spent any time with them. I feel like they need more, and I'm just too burnt out and worn out emotionally that I'm not accessible to them. I'm not sensitive enough to what they want or need. And that they hide their wants and needs from me because they know I am hurting and sad.

SHOL: I am mad at God, but I also recognize that I am just projecting my anger at WH on to Him...and that my anger at WH is just a symptom or expression of my pain. So I know that anger is not at the root of it, and I figure God knows that, too. I have yelled at God, let Him have it. I know he can take it, so I don't worry about that much. You hit the nail on the head...I have stomped off to pout. But as I sit here stewing in my poutiness, I'm really thinking it over, and really wondering what to make of all this.

Can I figure out what drives me?
Can I understand why I have such troube letting go?
What is it--really--that I am clinging to, and why?
Is there something better out there for me if I look forward, instead of back?
Can I let myself believe that there's something better out there...and if I do beleive there's something better, what does it say about my past? About the choices I have made?
Does looking forward invalidate my past?
Can I really get to the point where I consistently see, and truly believe that WH is a flawed, sorry, lost soul, and that this was his failing, not mine?
Do I still love him, or just the idea of him, of who he was?
Why is it so important to me that others validate me and reinforce my self-justifications?
Why is it so important to me that WH fully acknowledge and appreciate what he's done, and that others do, too?
Can I ever trust anyone--even myself--again?

Ahhh...lots to think about. And I really DO have to clean my house...

LilSis
((((hugs)))

I'm thinking of you and know that in time (that cliche) it will get better. I'm praying that soon you will be at the place where I am.

Still

Sis,

'Tis but a stretch in time that will be a blip in time when you look back upon this. Don't worry over ONE weekend of being knocked down on your keester. Feel confident in the fact that you have been through a year full of weekends that you took great care of those boys, movies and talking in the attic with those boys. Getting to know them, taking great care to try and understand them. Disciplining them, holding them, comforting them, mothering them.

You are just being triggered left and right, up and down. With every trip you take, you recognize the loss. The recent tragedy may have brought home YOUR loss, as if YOUR WH was gone.

If you have more migraines, please see your Doc. I had these years ago, and they were debilitating . I still tried to go to work and school, but I was so underproductive it was silly to have gone.

Facing your fears is tough business. I didn't recognize how many I had, until I began to recognize them when I felt them. I used to ignore or bury them, but they come back and can be relentless.

No matter what happens, you will survive, and you will thrive. There's nothing like no choice, so don't give yourself one.

Good Morning Sis! I see that you are doing well for the most part. I will be praying for you and your court proceeding this week...

I'm sure that you will come out on the winning side...from what I've WS JUST DO NOT do well...I'm not sure if you've been keeping up with my thread but POWS really screwed up and I'm looking forward to seeing the outcome with that...

Also, I still haven't gotten any CS this month! LMAO...been gone 5 months and have gotten two payments! Sucks to be POWS!

Oh, well! you keep up the good work and please feel free to join us on Owning your Own villagers" Thread fro some work on self, if you feel like that's something you are interested in...

((((SiS)))))

Take care!

((lilsis))

Hi-I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you. I can't believe how much your journey has paralleled mine. I was at the ocean (Pacific NW coast) last summer when I felt like I was at rock bottom. So much was hanging over me and I felt crushed by it all-add on to it WH's completely out of character behavior-and I was just lost. I was sitting at the lookout watching the sunset and just crying to God in my anger and frustration. For once in my life, there was NOTHING I could do to even figure out how to "fix" what was happening. That's when I heard God tell my heart "He's my prodigal JT-not yours." There was some surrender in hearing that.

Just like you writing "the only one that can heal WH is God."

Something I learned (can't remember if my IC said it or I read it somewhere) was the words "be still" in the Old Testament means the same as "cling". Clinging to God when we are in the dark. Clinging when we have no other choices. Clinging to His hand, His word, His sovereignty.

I'm glad your sister came to be with you at your A appt. I had my twin (John) come with me to my first A appointment to make sure I didn't miss anything important-considering my frame of mind that would have been easy to do. It was/is so great to have family to lean on-even if they don't understand what we are going through.

It really is a journey-and all those questions you are sorting-they are part of it. Just remember, God is big enough to handle our feelings-even our anger at Him when we can't see beyond our WH's free will and their choices which damage us and our kids so much.

The answers will come. Don't try to figure them out all the time. Write them down-and leave them there. I write mine as "God Sized Prayer Requests". I got that from a guest speaker at church. He was telling about the time Jesus walked on water. Peter called out "Lord if it's really you-let me walk on water." That's a God sized request.

You will be in my prayers today-

Sis,

I know the concern you have for your sons, and that you worry that you are not giving them enough of you in this time.

What they are learning is that they also need to give of themselves...


My youngest daughter was 12 when I had emergency surgery, one day before her sixth grade talent show. She was to sing that day, and we had worked together so hard, with me "coaching" her (she didn't need it, but she wanted me to be involved somehow!). I had the surgery, and could not go to the show - she was so disappointed, because I was completely out of it, in the hospital, and the problem might have been fatal if I hadn't caught it in time.

She was quite the trooper. She went on stage, sang her heart out, and came to visit me afterwards. Everyone told me how great she was. She stood strong, and took care of me. Even though it was supposed to be a time where she took the spotlight, I missed it and felt terrible about that. She was more grown up about it than I was.

The next year, I also missed the talent show, because I could not get off of work. She handled that very well, again. She said she understood that there are things in life that are disappointing, and that there will always be those things that happen. She went on stage, and sang her heart out, and we talked that night. Everyone told me how great she was.


The next year, I WENT TO THE TALENT SHOW.

She blew me away. Everyone told me how great she was, but this time, I heard it for myself.


So there are things that happen in our children's lives that are hard for them that we don't want to happen to them. We hate it when it does happen. We want to cushion the corners of the world for them.

We can't do that.

So, we do the next best thing. Which is the best we can do.

We are GREAT parents some of the time.
We are CRUMMY parents once in awhile.

And in between there, we are GOOD parents MOST of the time, and our children follow our lead.

You, LilSis, are a good mom. Being sick one weekend won't warp your sons. You're handling this affair business with them very well, better than most, and I would venture to say that the three of you are pulling together to get through it together.




As far as letting go and letting God, I had a strange experience this weekend that kind of parallels this. Shows trusting in others:

My wolf-dog became seriously ill Friday night. She was refusing food and water, and extremely lethargic. I took her to the vet Saturday morning, as she was much worse, and barely moving by then. The vet found internal bleeding, and the dog was very ill, possibly not going to make it. The animal looked up at me, and with her golden eyes knew that I was trying to help her, even though everything the vet did was hurting her. She didn't cry out, didn't protest at all. She trusted me and knew that I was helping her, even with the pain she was in.

I had to leave her there, alone. As she was walking away, she looked back with those golden eyes. Lots of fear there, but I told her she was okay, to go with the man, and so she turned around and walked on with the vet through the hospital doors.

That is trust.

She's home now, feeling better. She's still sick, but she's made it through the worst of it. She nearly died, and we still don't know what caused it all. She stays at my feet, curled up in a ball, sleeping. All the while, she knows, if anything happens, I will take her right back to the vet - even though she is afraid, even though she doesn't understand it, even though she has no idea of what might come next - because it is the best thing for her. I watch her closely, and she trusts that I am watching over her. It's our agreement.


Schoolbus

OT - SB,

I, too, had a wolf-dog, although she was only 1/4 wolf.

I lost her 2 years ago at the ripe old age of 16 1/2. She was my pet soulmate, if there can be such a thing. I had to make the decision to let her go - one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I still miss her.

Wolf-dog still sick, but much improved. I am grateful to vets willing to treat "illegal" animals. It wasn't her fault that someone bred her. She came to me as a gift, and I could not turn her away. We bonded immediately, and she is the sweetest, smartest animal I have ever known.

Sis,

I understand being angry at God.

You do know that God did not walk away from you, but continues to stand by your side.

He listens to you as you yell your frustrations, and loves you through them.
He listens to your cries of pain and anguish, and loves you through them.

And He will be there to pick you up when you are done, and will not change His feelings for you. His love knows no bounds.

The things He must endure, because of man's inhumanity to man....


I have been so angry with God before. I know that feeling. I like it that He is the only One who never yells back at me. And takes all that I have inside, then always lifts me up in the end. Never wavering.

I end up laughing at myself when I yell at God. I wonder what God thinks:

"There she goes again. I'm not the One who did this to her, doesn't she get that? It's man's inhumanity to man. I've tried to get that into her head before....I need to do something for her memory. Maybe have her buy more Ginko or something. Perhaps send a messenger, insert more commercials into 'Law and Order' so she'll see them..."

You know, I do wonder what He thinks. He has to have a laugh or two at me. I mean, really. I am pretty goofy at times, and it really is hard getting some of this stuff through my head, time after time after time.

SB

SB: That's my image of God, too. I always figured that God had a sense of humor. Infinitely patient. If he could throw a little of that patience my way, it would be great. (and I so miss my dog. I'd love to have her back, but I'm afraid that--one--the responsibility will be overwhelming right now, and--two--that it's too much of a reminder of a life that is gone and of how WH used to take her for "walks")

Today's another big day. Aug. 2...my reprieve is over. I have court at 2.

This is one of my problems. I just get to a place where I begin to achieve a healthy perspective, and another big triggering event happens. I don't seem to have time to fully embrace the healthier attitude, because things seem to happen...one after another...that reduce me to that ball of anxiety in absolute fight or flight mode, terrified. Nothing intellectual or spiritual can occur when I'm in that place. It's just the most basic, most primitive human emotion.

And I suppose that's when I need to "cling," but instead I just curl up in a little ball and cry.

And twice yesterday I passed the coffee shop where RT works and there was a cruiser out in front. Since it's right around the corner, I can't avoid going past all the time, especially when I'm late and can't afford to make a big loop around.

And I also passed WH yesterday, just driving down the street while he was on duty.

That's when I get frustrated at God. Is there a reason you have to put this in front of me all the time? Is it your way of telling me to just get used to it? You couldn't have given WH the urge to turn a corner a block earlier so he didn't pass me?

I simply cannot accept that my marriage is over, that H is dead, that my family is destroyed. That my lifelong dream--my only dream--of a husband, kids, house...is over.

My mind and heart just totally reject this...so they are in synch with each other, but not with reality.

I can't face reality.

I suppose I should just do the one day at a time thing. That the future isn't something that I can forsee. But the fear of what is out there for me is immense. Because what is out there is a future that I had never, ever imagined for myself, I have never prepared myself for, I have no context for. Even if H had died...it would be easier, there would be a different way of experiencing this.

If he had died, I would imagine him, up there, with God and my dad, looking out for me, supporting me, with me.

This....WH is right in my face, and he is doing anything BUT looking out for me or supporting me. It remains a frightening (and unthinkable) reality that someone who once professed to love me can turn on me so viciously.

Anyway...reality strikes me in the face again today at 2.

My inner child wants to talk: I don't want this! I don't want this, don't make me do it, I don't want to leave my life, my dreams behind. I don't want to be in so much pain. I don't want to believe that my H would hurt me this way. It's can't be true. Please make it stop. Please don't make me face the reality. Please tell me it's just a bad dream and that I will wake up and it will all be over. I am going to curl up and squeeze my eyes shut until it's all over.

Meanwhile, while that is going on inside, I am pretending to be a functioning adult. The functioning adult is terrified that the facade will crack, and all that will be left is that curled up child.

Today: 2:00. Tomorrow: 8:30. The adult has her work cut out for her to keep it together the next 24 hours.

(((LilSis)))

We're all here with our cyber arms around you.

You know that cellphone commercial that shows a crowd of people (the network) following the guy on the cellphone? That's us. We're there with you in court today. Praying for you.

Please come back and tell us how it goes. We really do care.

(((Lil Sis)))