I was so out of it last night....I'll clarify a bit.

Yesterday's hearing was about coming up with a settlement for the D in general. This morning's hearing is specifically about the arrears.

WH declined the offer we made to settle the arrears thing yesterday which would have kept us from having to go back to court today.

Apparently the judge suspected that the joint custody issue was raised as a way for WH to avoid paying as much in CS. He claims he wants overnights with the kids during the week (which is how we've done it since school got out) during the school year as well. Last school year, WH would pick them up one afternoon a week and get them home at 8:30. That worked fine.

I don't like that idea because it is such a disruption. Not only the nighttime routine, but the morning routine (which WH doesn't have a clue about...is it hot lunch or cold lunch today; is the permission slip in the backpack, do you have your gym shoes...). I could count on one hand the number of times he has gotten them off to school alone.

Apparently the judge challenged WH's A on it...would WH be willing to forego the reduction in CS AND take the boys an additional night? WH's A said he was going to have to "check with his client on that."

Calling me violent and unstable. That's the kicker in this whole thing. I guess he's willing to fight dirty; the mud has been thrown. Again...I am shocked (but shouldn't be) that he would do that to me; that he would allow his A to enter a document that uses that language. Especially when it seems that it was only a ploy to pay less CS.

This was a HUGE LB withdrawal.

Let me emphasize that this is NOT AT ALL what my H was like. He was thoughtful, considerate, generous, with a innate sense of fairness....I look at him now and I still can't put this together. Placing himself in the hallway right in our line of sight yesterday seemed like a thinly veiled attempt to rattle me. He simply has NO shame; and that is not the man I knew.

This was a big slap of the reality that you all have been talking about. This guy is unabashedly mean and vicious and will stoop very low to get what he wants.

I do not want a man like that in my life. I do not want this man.

Gotta go get ready for court.

I didn't get any of the arrears. He was credited for everything. My lawyer's argument was that the account that WH was putting his "support" into was the same account that HIS car insurance and life insurance was being paid out of, so he shouldn't recieve credit for those items; about $140/mo. The bank statements clearly show this. The only money coming in was the "support", and out came the insurance premiums.

To me it's as if WH direct deposted the $ into our joint account, and turned around to the ATM and withdrew cash. What's the difference?

THEN WH's A started bringing up other bills that WH has paid (for which he had no evidence) like cable and the newpaper. I never asked WH to pay those; he's just continued to do so.

At that point, the mediator said that these were property issues and he'd credit WH with CS, but that those issues should be addressed when property settlement is being negotiated.

My attorney said later that this is why I should be getting a D. WH is a pr!ck.

It would have been nice to have a clear "win" for a change.

This stinks of Turd. They are getting desperate, aren't they?

I am so sorry this is happening to you. But look at it this way: With as far as they keep pushing things, things are going to backfire horribly and it probably won't be long.

And yes, I would hold my head up high and look the judge in the eye and say, "Yes, Your Honor, you bet I am violent when the man I thought was my husband insists on bringing an intruder into our family and subjects my children to her filth and stench. I would have called the police, but unfortunately he IS the police - so it was left to me to protect my home and children.

"I have never in my life been violent or unstable until this man brought an intruder into our lives and proceeded to allow her to destroy them. I cannot imagine that I as a mother am expected to allow such filth and intrusion to be inflicted upon my children.

Thank you."

Violent and unstable? They haven't SEEN violent and unstable.
<snort>

Hang in there.
Mulan

(((LilSis)))

I've been cleaning out old files and came across this old email:

After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.

One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick.

When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.

The loving mother, keenly aware of impending danger, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. When the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast.

Because she had been willing to die, those under the cover of her wings would live.

"He will cover you with feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge." Psalm 91:4

Being loved this much should make a difference in your life. Remember the One who loves you, and then be different because of it.
------------------------------------------

Calling you violent and unstable worked in court once, so they decided to try it again.

WH is so deeply addicted. At some point in the future he will hit bottom. When he does I hope he can figure out some way to be able to live with himself for what he is doing, because once he is no longer actively in his addiction he will be mortified - as we all are now.

LS, what a rotten thing to be hit with, by the man whose children you've borne. What a lousy, mean-spirited thing to do. I really feel for you.

It's a dumb thing to do, too. He hasn't got years of 'evidence' to support this, just one incident with OW - which I'm sure any court would sympathise with. He's going to look stupid and vindictive to everyone who hears about it. But I'm guessing he thinks it makes him look kind of 'justified'; it's that kind of warped thinking.

He's been like this for a long time, though, LS. He's had chance after chance to show a flicker of compassion, and each time he's failed. This man is living in a world of illusion.

You're the mother of his sons. Whatever his issues with you, to do this to his sons is reprehensible. Any whisper that gets back to them about the terms used to attack their mother will be deeply painful to them.

What a louse.

TA

I think you are so right about this. I think this WH knows already that he will NEVER be able to live with himself about this. He knows that he lacks the spine and heart to ever face up to what he has done, so he has chosen a scorched-earth policy in hopes of completely destroying the evidence of his shame (his wife and children.)

I don't think I've ever seen any WS here as pathetic as this one. He is clearly miserable but would rather destroy his own family so thoroughly that he would never be expected to clean up the mess or repair the damage, because there won't be anything at all left to save.

He doesn't have the b*lls to do that and he knows it. What a very, very sad and pathetic little man he turned out to be.

Sis, I am so sorry for you, but you deserve far better and one day you WILL have it.
Mulan

My attorney said later that this is why I should be getting a D. WH is a pr!ck.

___________________

yeah.

I hate your WH. (sorry)

thinking of you. sorry to hear your vacation at the cape wasn't so wonderful.

i am w/ your sister. you are stronger than you realize.
hang in there.

One incident of smacking a good for nothing POS is not going to erase the adultery, no matter what veil he puts it under. That does, in no way, make you violent and unstable, especially considering all of the years prior to and after said incident. What a @#%^&@@@ maroon!

Your WH is a louse, Sis, a genuine POS! Maybe your husband was never this way, but the reality is that the person residing in his skin is NOW a pr!ck (as your A so wisely put it).

I am not one to allow poor treatment of me for too long before I turn my back and walk away; it has been a good protective measure for me for many years. I also take very little [censored], especially from people CLEARLY trying to do me wrong. Treat this person with a reverse golden rule; threat him as he treats you. That is to say, let that attorney loose on him when the time comes. After seeing this WH for what he really is, you do the mama bird thing, protect those kids as best you can, physically, emotionally, financially. Their future, obviously, depends on the one parent who is willing to PARENT, and not work to destroy the other to cover their SHAME.

You may cry and get migraines and get knocked down, but [email]d@mnit[/email] Sis, I have never seen you give in, so DON'T. You will see, your future is going to be so bright, Sis...

If I thought someone was violent and unstable how could I say I want JOINT custody? I wouldn't want them near my kids, ever. This is so obviously a ploy to get out of CS and the mediator must surely see that?! I highly expect the OW is driving a lot of this action and he is so messed up that he is going along with it.

Sis, are you having the child support garnished from his wages? I don't remember. If you aren't, I would definitely think about doing this. WH has proved himself to be devious and untrustworthy, even if H was not.

You may have lost this "battle" but it was a very small one. You KNOW who the real loser is in this whole ordeal and it ain't you.

What a yucky man he is turning out to be.
I feel SORRY for him in so many ways.

Thats a pretty big LB withdrawal he just made. How's the balance doing? He's still coming back -- we just don't know when. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't want him at that point.

Your growth has been amazing. Meanwhile he's gone backwards. I think that when the time comes when he wants to come back there may be too big of a chasm between you.

One thing I will never understand; if you CLEARLY do not want to take care of your kids half time, why would you put in to do it? Seems ridiculously stupid to me; regardless of the money savings. Could most definitely be a ploy, but it will backfire.

Also, I will not be leveling any blame on RT. This is WH's doing; he is the one making these decisions, regardless of the 'influence' that RT has on him; this needs to be ALL HIS SHAME.

How does joint custody work for you?
If its not a big financial drain and make it impossible for you -- I say let him have them.

Your boys are old enough and aware enough of the situation to make things REALLY uncomfortable for the affairees.
They do need their father -- and he needs the responsibility. He might screw it up at first (lunch money, permission slips, etc.) but its not the end of the world. It would really add a lot of stress to his life, and I can't think of a more deserving person.

Put in the provision that he still pays child support or alimony or whatever. Get really agressive on the money stuff. And make him agree to no introductions to SO and no overnights etc. Then give him what he "wants."

Did you ever read Faithinme? Her husband just about pooped his pants when she offered to give him the kids full-time!
Having a couple of sullen angry kids is not good for affair-world.

I was thinking the same thing. BUT... then I look at how far gone my WH was and it seemed IMPOSSIBLE that he would ever change. He did.

IF there is a miracle (God intervenes) and he turns around, you guys will be facing a difficult recovery and lots more heartache for awhile. It would be a tough call for you to make.

For now though, I would carry on as you have been doing. It's not over until the Judge signs the decree.

Kids are a HUGE dose of reality. You can't stop, sit down and enjoy being a couple whenever you dang well please, we all know that. Catering to the children's schedules HAS to be done, and when it's not, you end up with some very unhappy kids, when permission slips aren't signed, lunch money/lunches forgotten, evening social activities not remembered, etc. and so on.

I think Lexxxy is on to something here. However, you don't want to give in on half time with the kids JUST to break up the A, but you do want those boys to be with their dad. They need their father, just not RT. I know, hard to reconcile that one. Isn't WH living with his parents? I guess I would wonder how often grandma and grandpa would be taking care of the boys, as opposed to their father.

PWC told me that he began to understand the gravity of how much care goes into raising a child when he was by himself, without me there to help at all. He had to bathe DS, make sure he ate well, entertain, get him to bed, talk to him about life and such, and PWC couldn't stop, no matter what, because he was in charge. It taught him a valuable lesson of how much self-sacrifice is involved with caring for the kid. Don't know if this would happen with your WH, Sis. If he took on the task of half time dad, he would have a lot of responsibility, and you would be able to get some well needed time OFF.

A lot happened during the last two years, to completely and utterly demolish my M. I still don't know if it will be spared in this ongoing fight. I surprise myself with accepting reality and how our lives are, currently. I'm surprised with how much has been done to affect me, and I'm STILL in the M. I wouldn't even bother thinking about what you will or won't do if/when your husband comes back. You won't know that until it happens.

Until then, live that life of YOURS day to day. If he damages your heart beyond repair, you cannot stop that. These days in court drain the LB, I'm sure, but love may still live in that heart of yours after you are dark again.

LilSis:

I have commented before on your WH. I always thought his weakness'es were such that he would come back, HE would reach the "moment" and come back to his senses.

Instead, he has run further and further away.

His most recent use of the "unstable and violent" line.

Goes back to his actions in regards to your probation and sentencing, where the RT got to tell the court how awful, you were, and you did not get to state/clarify your actions. And his actions at that time were NADA.

Unleash your A.

Screw him to the wall. Kitchen sink time.

Call up RT's ex-husband and get whatever dirt you can. Enter it into the record, that this is the type of woman your children will be exposed to because of this A of his, and how you can not in best interest of your children, allow this to happen.

Your WH shows that he has no holds barred. Its time to return the favor.

OR:

Do nothing.

That's the choice.

Is'nt it?

WH wants to pay less CS, so, I want the kids 1/2 time, etc. Bring that up late in the proceedings.

Court is favorable to your postion. Let it go.

You can sink to his level, or stay where you are.

I do not know where your WH is at, anymore.

My Bad.

(((LS)))

LG

Quick update everyone, because my sister is here and I want to spend time with her. Just want to clarify a few things.

Today was only the arrears issue. The whole custody thing will be later, but my A is poo- pooing the joint custody thing because it's really ridiculous. The whole violent and unstable thing was an attempt to rattle me. Clearly--it is OBVIOUS--he has allowed me to have full custody for the past year, and has twice entered into the record that he has no wish for custody.

I had a great session with IC today....he was really pleased with how well I was doing after this stressful week. He did a little armchair diagnosing of WH...getting into the A was a slippery slope that WH has just continued to decline on; becoming less and less of who he once was. He also used the "feeding the wolf" analogy...says that WH is only feeding the bad wolf.

Meanwhile, he says, even though I feel like that lost child on the inside, the responsible adult on the outside isn't going anywhere. Even if little cracks occur now and then and I cry or have a meltdown, I can successfully repair them and move on.

He also said that WH is acting purely on emotion right now--what emotion exactly he couldn't guess--but he's not making reasoned, adult choices. He's acting spitefully for no apparent reason...the only explaination could be that he is reacting emotionally.

Either way, IC said, WH is either instigating or at minimum a party to the antics of his A.

Judge caught it.

I'm taking the high ground. My A knows what he is doing, and he is doing with integrity. WH's A is a snake in the grass...my sister was disgusted. He disparaged me in court today, and my A didn't say one bad thing about WH. On my side, it was just the facts.

The mediator was just looking at how to settle the CS arrears, and because WH's A started to bring in things that were not in the record, he told us to deal with the whole deal in property settlement.

Yes, it's being garnished. That's a wonderful thing.

Yes, he's still living with his folks. Which makes the whole "let him have the kids" argument moot, because MIL and FIL will ALWAYS bail him out. So he wants to go to a Tiger game, fine. So he's tired and wants to sleep in, fine.

No...I'm sticking with custody. I won't skimp on that to prove any kind of point.

I agree, Sis. Keep the custody.

It sounds like you're feeling better, and I'm really happy about that.

(((Sis)))

Sis,

You are sounding much stronger than I had expected after the week you have had and I am So Proud of you!

Pat yourself on the back for your strength. Reward yourself for you Class in taking and keeping to the high road. It is So Far above POS and RT, they can't even SEE that road!

Good job, Angel! Now go have a great weekend!