My 14yo cat is sick again...he is my oh so Faithful Friend. I rescued him over 12 years ago; he was a stray wandering in the park. I'm going to try to get in to the vet first thing. He does not look good at all, and he's getting sick more and more often. Each time, they take blood tests and something is off the charts, shoot him up with antibiotics and he's better...but I worry that one of these times he won't bounce back. I don't want another loss, and this cat has been with me through everything.

It may sound callous, but that's another reason for considering a dog. Not as a replacement, but as new relationship to build, because I know in my heart that 14yo Kitty is not long for this world.

The dog I was looking at is about a year old, so past the peeing on the floor stage. When I was with her yesterday, as soon as the volunteer dog walker and I brought her outside, she "went"....so I'm fairly certain she's housebroken. And she sat for me when I asked.

Tuesday is DS8 (almost DS9!) birthday; he would be head over heels if "he" got a dog for his birthday. He love love loves animals. I could figure out a way to explain that it was a dog for all of us....

I know dogs are a lot of work, which is why I had to turn P over to WH in the first place. But I think I can handle it now...

Can you see I'm talking myself in to it?

I did "break" Plan B last night. I called WH's cell and said (completely businesslike), "May I speak to DS8 or DS11, please?" as if I were calling the home of one of their friends. They've been gone since early Sunday morning and hadn't called at all. I thought about texting, or having my sister call, but it was getting late and I couldn't imagine what EN I would be meeting by a totally impersonal, "are the boys there."

In addition, when WH calls either the house or my cell, I have one of the boys answer. Thought maybe WH might do the same. It would be unlikely that I would be calling to talk to him.

When we were in the Cape, I had the boys check in after we arrived, and every couple of days insisted that they call just to check in (they don't think of it; they are having fun). I had hoped that WH might follow that pattern. I don't believe THIS occurs to him, either.

Some of you have suggested getting them a phone...I had been thinking that they weren't responsible enough (oh....it needs to be charged?), but after this week I think I will just do it.

Anyway, I talked to the boys for about a half hour, which was great, and they sound as if they are having a great time. Apparently WH has internet access, because he sent me a pic of the boys kayaking. (DS11 had asked if I wanted a picture. Of course! I said....not realizing it was going to be emailed immediately) It is a beautiful picture....those boys are so cute/handsome....I cannot for the life of me understand how WH can choose to remove himself from their lives.

I HATE the feeling that the boys' lives are a book, and I am just a character who appears in individual chapters rather than throughout the whole thing.

But I am so glad they are having fun....and talking to them on the phone this time was different than it has been in the past, too...before, I would be sad and feeling alone, but I was HAPPY to hear about their adventures. I like the fact that we can have an actual phone conversation....10 minutes with DS9 and 20 mintues with DS11. It's not just the yes/no/I love you, too.

DS9 asked if next year I could bring them up to the cottage. I told him we talk about it later.

Anyway...I'm still hanging in there. I hope kitty does, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sis,

You are coming out of the fog, and the consistency error you placed over your marriage in that the "everything was perfect" consistency error is being lifted. You somewhat washed the marriage that way, but in an interesting way, also washed your behavior with the "I was a terrible person" after d-day with a different consistency error.

Both are errors, nonetheless.

You were a normal person, in a marriage that was normal. Your husband had an affair, and he made a huge mistake, and has washed the marriage with his own consistency error (which, BTW, will fade sooner or later.....and when it does, he will make the attempt to reconnect with you).

I suspect what likely happens with the affair partners is that there is also another type of error that fastens itself to future events - call it a future consistency error if you will - that says basically "the way I feel now will always be". So that they truly believe that the twinges of sexual excitation and/or infatuation will ALWAYS be there for the AP. Then, reality takes over, and they find that the error has in fact been made, and whoa!!!!!!

I made a mistake!!!!! What I believed about my marriage.....wait......what happened?????? My marriage was GOOD????? What???? What am I doing????? This OP isn't what I thought it was, this isn't love, what happened?

And back they go to the BS.

This explains the "confusion" and fence-sitting. Because there REALLY is confusion, in the sense that there is an error in the system.

Theoretically speaking, of course. But I do feel this all applies to the affair business.

People can use this in Plan A, because by increasing the pressure of the "good times" memories they can invoke, increasing the system's likelihood of catching the error. Our minds are pretty good for always double-checking for errors, and constantly search for other input to be sure it is correct.

The brain does NOT store what it cannot trust as accurate and correct information. Therefore, if you can place doubt in the mind of the person regarding the veracity of something, the brain will always question itself. When the brain has something "questionable" in it, it keeps it sort of in a state of "this is very interesting information, and I'm going to rely on it to a point, but I will always know that there is some measure of uncertainty about it and I will allow for other possibilities to overthrow it at any time".

When more reliable information is found, the less-reliable information is thrown to a lower level as "interesting, but not found reliable". The truer information is then used to make decisions in its stead.

Information that is consistently found to be reliable, true, and workable for the individual system is stored. Information that is inconsitent, even one time, remains in a state considered "not quite reliable" and although stored and used by the brain, is not mapped in quite the same way as other information that is deemed as "unquestioned".

Example: A baby might blink its eyes just as the light is turned on. The baby thinks blinking its eyes turns on the light. He tries again, and the light goes off. Hmmm. He tries a few times, doesn't work. Another time it does. But then, many times, nothing. He keeps this information, because it is interesting, but the eye-blink-light-on/off theory is not reliable. Then, he finds when he goes through a door with mom, the light goes on/off. He begins to believe that lights have to do with doors, but it is inconsistent. Old eyeblink theory is thrown out, new door theory in, but still, there are problems and inconsistencies. Ultimately, the door theory is thrown out when he discovers the light switch, which is 100% reliable, and that information is completely mapped and stored for life.


This is how we grow and learn, throughout our lives, in MANY areas of learning, in one theoretical model.

Emotional growth is tougher, because there's so many other factors to it. But in the case of consistency error, this applicability is for emotional memory as well as certain belief systems (i.e. political, ideological, and others).



Did I just give another lesson? Man. Can you tell I'm getting ready to go back to work?

Hi, Sis!

Schoolbus, hope you don't mind, I took portions of this lesson over to my thread. VERY intersting.

Fox

Fox,

Don't mind at all. Hope it helps in Plan A.

SB

LS-

I think the dog idea is great! I got a cat when I was down and out, he picked my DD, and I got so excited over him. He was about 2 years old. He has been a perfect addition to our family! He gave us something new to play with, take care of, something that was just ours. I also have 2 dogs. I love my pets, and walking my dogs has helped me many times when I was lonely, when WH had the girls. They are my buddies. I think it is a great idea!

I had the rose colored glasses on for a long time too. He was perfect, I was terrible. But once you can be objective again, you see that it was not so.

You sound stronger, more sure of yourself! YAY!

14yo Kitty is going to be okay, he just needs some extra TLC, special food, a pill a day and a few additional trips to the vet to start feeling better.

AND...

I GOT THE DOG!! She's so sweet and very eager to please. Her mom was a pregnant Katrina dog, so she was born here.

AND...

I went to IC yesterday. I told him the theory that my sister and I came up with (the DUH one about how WH has made me the target of all his frustration because the fantasy isn't quite panning out).

IC said sure, it could be that or any one of a million other reasons...but what impressed him most, what he picked up on immediately, was that it was the FIRST TIME that I had ever asked myself what is was about **WH** that led to his behavior.

I was sort of shocked when he said that...I actually gasped. He was RIGHT...I have always looked for what was wrong with ME that led to WH's behavior. I always had to sort of "come around" to recognizing that it wasn't my fault.

HA! I'm getting it....CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!

(so I get that I can't control other people and I'm not that powerful...please tell me that doesn't apply to dogs?!?)

good for you Lilsis...for the revelation and for rescuing your newest family member.

congratulations LS ~ you got it.

Letting go just means you acknowledge that other people have responsibility and control over their own lives.

Once you stop trying to run the universe, it leaves you lots of time to work on yourself.

I was tested yesterday.

The boys came home, which was, of course, wonderful, and they are DELIGHTED with D, the new dog. She is a sweetheart, affectionate as can be. DS11 (who is reluctant to love any dog as much as P) even admitted this mornng that D is right up there in the sweet dog department with P.

We took D out for a walk last night, and it wasn't log before DS11 started telling me a thing or two about the trip with Dad. (No RT, BTW) Not big things, but one thing got me. WH's cell, he informed me, used to have "marital home" on the caller ID for the landline here; now it says "the boys." I don't know why that hurt, but it did.

The boys sound so normal about their dad. I know that's good, but I have spent the last week really internalizing that WH is the one who is lost and that I am really okay, and that this is his loss, his shame, that I will be okay and happy and I am so fortunate and blessed.

This may sound stupid....just hearing the boys talk about WH as if everything is fine with him, that he's living a normal, happy life, loving the boys, somehow threatened that place that I had come to. He sure doesn't sound lost.

Then, as we were walking through the park (not 10 minutes later), church lady and her H pass, going the other direction. We said hi as we passed. I did not smile.

I was really rattled. All that hurt (and its partner anger) came right up to the surface, having already swum part way to the top with the conversation i was just having with DSs. We walked a little further, and then I asked if we could sit down a minute.

We sat down, and I burst into tears. The boys were patting me. I felt so awful, their first day back and I'm a mess again. Some fun being with mom; always sobbing. Better to be with dad who takes us fishing and kayaking and out to breakfast and tells us it's hard but everything will be alright.

I felt defeated, and was hurt and angry with myself, with WH, and with church lady for having the nerve to walk right past me without anything more than a "hi."

All that time pre-D-day, I thought she was my friend and I admired her unshakeable faith and compassion for people in need....but I haven't heard from her in a year. Last time I saw her, I went to her house out of the blue, feeling as if there were nowhere to turn, a sobbing, inconsolable mess. She talked to me, prayed with me, sent me on my way....and I never heard from her again.

So out of nowhere, crying there at the picnic table, it spilled over in an ugly way. I said aloud, "F-ing hypocrites." The boys eyebrows went up, but they didn't say anything. Then, I looked up at the sky, then at the dog, and stopped crying. I stood up, said to myself, "I am better than that," and we kept on walking to get to the ice cream store.

I faked my way through the rest of the evening, but honestly I am still a bit rattled today. Those feelings of being rejected, unloveable and unworthy (the bad wolf) are attempting to exert themselves again...against the good wolf voices that I am indeed a flawed human being who is loveable and loved and who will make it through and be happy again because I'm doing the work. I'm building myself--a new, stronger self.

Like WH, if churchlady is willing to turn her back on me (whatever her motives may be), then it is her loss. I have other friends who proclaim far less "faith" who have been incredibly supportive and who do not hesistate to reach out to me....whether it is apparent that I need it or not. They do so because they truly care for me. They take the time to remind me that I can make it through this. They have faith in me.

So as with WH, I am trying to make a concerted effort to look at churchlady through those eyes. That her "rejection" of me (as I experience it) is not because of ME, it is because of something in her...discomfort, inconvenience, shame, guilt, denial. Whatever it may be, I do not own it; she does.

It is not even for me to judge or analyze or attempt to change. That is for God to do.

I can no more explain churchlady's abandonment as I can WH's...but that is for them to reconcile with themselves. I cannot imagine being in churchlady's shoes....professing to be such a dedicated servant of God, yet walking away from someone who was so obviously in need.

I still get caught in that conundrum of forgiveness...on the one hand, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" implies that we must forgive in order to be forgiven. But COMPLETE forgiveness requires repentance and the accpetance of forgiveness...which is the choice of the "guilty" party. I cannot control whether or not the "guilty" party repents.

So if I fail to forgive because repentance has not occurred....am I not unworthy of forgiveness from God? It doesn't say "as we forgive those who trespass against us and repent."

Sorry....I know it's Sunday, but this is getting a little heavy even for the Lord's Day.

Hang in there Lis Sis....

It's good to come here and vent and let some of those emotions out.

God bless,

I want to tell you a little story to help you get some perspective, the perspective of time. You can vicariously enjoy that perspective through others until the time comes that you can claim it for your own. About 19 years ago I was married to my first H, had three kids, 6, 4, 1 ½. H had already had one affair on me and I chose to forgive and try to salvage marriage. 19 years ago, I found him in bed, in the back of a camper with OW2. She was his “soul mate” I was told. They were “in love.”

They did everything in their power to portray my H as the injured party, to portray their situation as normal, happy and fulfilling. They were engaged before our divorce was final and OW made sure that the jeweler’s bill was sent to my home in another state. Seven years later I got a phone call one night from OW telling me that I needed to come pick up my children. They were 6 hours away in another state, one week into their 4 week summer visitation with dad. Apparently he had physically abused her in front of the kids. As we talked on the phone, he walked into the residence she was calling from, hit her again and left. The phone went dead. Twenty minutes later she called back, told me what had just happened and promised to call the police. Once he was jailed, we left late that night, and drove all night to get the kids. Over the next few weeks, she spilled her guts to me.

Seems my ex started abusing her a few days after their wedding. Seems he started having affairs on her not too long after that. Mind you, that all those years they worked hard to present to the world and especially my kids that everything was great with them. They took my kids to Disney and many other places, something they knew I couldn’t afford. It was all smoke and mirrors though. He took his garbage with him into that marriage. He took it with him to the next relationship… that woman ended up calling the police and my ex even went through a court martial because of it.

Know this L’il Sis… your H is merely presenting a front. To not do so would be to admit that he is wrong and he cannot do that while he is in the fog. It’s OK that you lost it… I lost it many times. Tell your kids that it’s hard to hear that everything is happy at dad’s because that’s what you wanted for your family with their father. Leave it at that. Don’t ask for any details, but when they get blurted out, just try to remember my story, and rest assured that not all is rosy in La-La Land.
My best to you ….{{{{{{L’il Sis}}}}}}

expectations...judgements....these are getting you into trouble.

You honestly do not know what is going on in her head. You can not possibly know that she knows that you need her support.

If you choose to base your self worth on external validation from those who are not worthy...of course you are going to feel miserable about yourself.

Choose to put your self worth in the hands of those who are worthy of YOUR respect, starting with yourself and God.

BR....I know this. I recognize it.

I just re-read my post and the only good thing about it was that I ultimately came around to thinking about forgiveness....which is something about ME, not about them. I guess that's me trying to examine what *I* can do with those feelings of anger and hurt that are still there and still need to express themselves every now and then. To bottle them up and ignore them wouldn't be healthy either. It's what I do with them that's important.

Expectations/judgements....yes, they are there, and I knew it, even last night. And the underlying emotion is hurt. Pain at feeling betrayed, pain that trusting others and having expectations of them bit me in the a$$. And my response to the bite is to turn around and snarl and bark. Now I'm off licking my wounds.

And then the worry....if I can never expect another person to keep my vulnerable self safe, if I find someone who appears worthy of my trust and I choose to do so, isn't it my own darn fault if I end up getting hurt?

It seems like such a huge risk. Taking the chance on experiencing THIS again? How do I go stop having any expectations of others and not turn into a hard-hearted, cold-hearted, cynical shrew who only looks for the worst in people??

Do you understand the question I'm getting at? I'm not articulating it well....sort of overstating the point to make it clear.

Second....
You make an important distinction. I asked my IC about my need for external validation...the context being how I just lapped up everything my sister had to say while she was here and how good it felt. She's one of the most sensible, realistic people I know, and she's known me my whole life. (I used to think we were a lot alike, temperment wise, until I lost it.)

Hearing "you can do this" in the tone that she used...matter of fact rather than convincing...was SO meaningful to me. I absolutely believed her.

Anyway, I pondered to my IC if that meant that I have an inordinate need for external validation.

He said that we wouldn't be human if we didn't seek external validation. The important thing is from WHOM we seek it: do I trust my sister? is she intelligent? does she know the real me? do I think she wants what's best for me? Yes, of course, all of the above.

Well, then, he said, she's a good barometer. Don't be afraid of using those GOOD external barometers especially when I am feeling uncertain or afraid that my own perceptions may be off.

My sister's voice is about as close to my OWN voice as I can get. We have had the same childhood experiences, can speak the same laguage, share the same values, want the same things.

Internalizing her voice...it resonates in a way that no one else's could, because it is so much like my own. And she absolutely finds me worthy; not in a rah-rah way, I just AM. Period. Flaws and all.

The voice can be louder or softer on a given day....the loud days are easier. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LilSis,

I'm not going to get you with a 2 x 4, but I am going to give you a good tap!

Many times I read things you write that give me the shivers, because they are so much like things that have come from me. I hope I can help you learn something at a younger age than I did. I am still struggling with it, because I didn't learn it until recently.

Instead of trying to explain it in my wordy, awkward way, I will copy a couple of quotes here - from other posters on this site.

KaylaAndy said (and I think this actually may have come from much earlier on your thread):
"When feelings are your god, you allow them to dictate your actions, and that's a weakness. It's when you master your actions in spite of your feelings that you have mastered the art of living an active, not reactive life, living a conscious life."

From Suzet's encouraging poems, prayers, and stories thread in Recovery:
"-You are not your emotions-
You are defined by God, not your emotions. You may not feel like it, but God says you are wonderfully and fearfully created in his image, accepted in the Beloved. He loves you no matter what you've done.
-God uses your feelings-
God may use your feelings to reveal a piece of your heart that you need to turn over to him. He may use your feelings to draw you closer to Him. Paul speaks of feeling like a wretched man, and that draws him deeper into the grace of God. Your feelings of hopelessness in a situation may be what God uses to show you that you're hanging your hopes on the wrong thing - because He is the God of a hope that will not dissappoint.
-Your obedience is based on the truth, not feelings-
The facts may appear daunting, but it is up to God, not you and your feelings, to interpret the facts. God calls us to be obedient to the truth, not to the way we feel. As C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, if you don't love someone, behave as if you do, and your feelings will catch up."

(or as I often say to myself - fake it 'til you make it)

It concerns me that you broke down as you did in front of the boys. You are allowing your feelings to rule you. I have been and still continue to be guilty of that. I have these quotes handy because I carry them with me, along with other words of wisdom, to help me stay on course with my personal growth. It is still hard for me to even recognize when I am doing it sometimes.

It's so funny - I am considered such a logical person - calm, rational, steady. Most people think I am about as unemotional as it comes (think Spock from Star Trek). Imagine my surprise when I figured out that allowing my emotions to control me has been my main source of self-inflicted pain? True irony.

Don't let this little set back get you down. The roller coaster ride will continue, but it seems like the dips are a lot shallower and farther apart for you these days.

SHOL:
You are absolutely right.

This has been my stuggle since d-day, and one that I seem to have lost more that I have won: how to stem my impulse to act from emotion (mostly fear, but also hurt, anger, pain). My usual form of acting out is lashing out at others, trying to hurt back, trying to control.

I recognized it, even last night, the lashing out. Unfortunately, the dam broke, and then I was able to turn it around, stop the flood. The conscious thought, "I am better than this." Acknowledging to myself that I don't HAVE to have this reaction. That I don't NEED to let this hurt me. I don't have to give myself over to the emotions that get stirred up.

I said something to the boys like, sorry guys, mom was having a moment, let's go get that ice cream. The whole thing lasted maybe two minutes.

I'm trying, trying, trying to not let my feelings rule me. Step one was acknowledging how much they HAVE ruled me. Those feelings are still there, though, and I still feel them. I'm trying to figure out what to do with them, how to channel them, without just bottling them up, which I know is not healthy, either. I'm going to break down from time to time, it's learrning how to break down when and where it is appropriate to do so. Controlled chaos.

Doesn't help that the hormones are getting charged up. Yuck.

Hi Sis ~

Your IC is right, we wouldn't be human if we didn't want and seek external validation.

The problem happens when we seek that validation to the exclusion of our own internal validation - AND - when we seek validation from untrustworthy sources.

I think your problem with validation is related to something else you said:


I've pointed this out to you before, I'm not sure if you are in a place to hear this or not but I'll say it again - eventually it's gotta stick! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You do not need other people to protect you. This need, this expectation that other people are going to protect you from the big bad world is an expectation that is going to fail you over and over and over again.

What you need is your OWN barometer, your own protection. Drawing boundaries is something you do for yourself. It's not something that other people do for you. You should not hand over your life, your peace, your self, all those things that you are personally responsibile for, and expect others to care for it better than you can for yourself.

There is always going to be risk in relationships, but if you rely on yourself to protect yourself instead of abdicating that responsibility to others, you'll develop the instincts you need. (I bet you have them already but they are rusty).

Boundaries protect relationships. People respect those who respect themselves. You do not respect yourself by expecting other people to do the work of protecting you.

When you draw your own boundaries, already the risk is less. Sure, someone may betray you again, but hopefully you will have the tools now to deal with betrayal in the future.

Recovery requires that you trust YOURSELF - not other people.

Do you this where this expectation is harming you?

When I started seeing an IC back before my husband had his affair, I had an extreme distrust of pyschologists. I had been raised to believe that "shrinks" screwed with your head for some ambiguous evil agenda.

So one of the first things I said to the IC was, I don't trust you with my head, I'm afraid you'll screw me up worse than I already am.

She looked me straight in the eyes and said, BR, you are a grown, intellegent woman perfectly capable of deciding for yourself if you want to take on board what I say to you or not.

Holy crap you could have hit me with a feather and knocked me down. It never occured to me that I was responsible for my own safety.

I think that was the start of my recovery, right in that moment.

So, the question is, what makes you value the word of an un trustworthy source over your own? Or even over others that do deserve that trust?

And one more thing with boundaries and an appropriate balance of external and internal validation....

you'll know when someone is worth the risk to trust.

A MB marriage is one without boundaries - because there is that mutual protection. You aren't there yet, but you can be there - it's just going to take time, and developing trust in yourself first.

It will stick, eventually. With work and with time. It will stick.

I can deal with the big bad world...the anonymous world...I'm one of the "advantaged" people in the world: college-educated, employed, family support, etc. It's the intimate world close to me that has really thrown me for a loop.

You know what it is? I have never felt that I was worth it. That I should just count myself lucky if someone took the time to care for me or care about me. I had to earn it, and if I showed any of my true, ugly self, they would never care for me, not really.

Which (according to my standard, life-long view of myself) is exactly what WH did: he saw the real me and was replused enough to hurt me deeply and abandon our children to get away. I think all BSs experience this in one way or another, no?

So after being broken down to nothing, here comes my opportunity: to build a better me. This is what I am trying to do. This is what I will do, what I must do.

I need to know that *I* can do this. That *I* can take care of myself....even in relationships. That my value in a relationship is instrinsic....not to be measured by another person.

This is a 180 from where I have been, so probably why it is taking so long.

The untrustworthy source one, I am getting. It still rears its head from time to time, but I am finally reaching some level of awareness of when that happens.

Now...in terms of a trustworthy source. I think it is that I don't trust myself yet. If I'm thinking I'm doing better, how do I know? I have no objectivity about myself. I hardly know up from down sometimes. The whole world has been turned upside down and everything that I thought was true was false, everything that was black is now white. Who am I to judge myself?

I don't trust myself to know if I'm really doing okay. I lack confidence in my perceptions of the world, of people, of myself.

(BTW: My mom doesn't help...she freaks out if I cry on her shoulder (even though I tell her it is time for a regularly scheduled meltdown); she blows this up into something that happens daily. She worries that I don't eat right, that I fed the kids pancakes (gasp!) for DINNER??? And I forgot the SUNSCREEN when I brought the kids to the BEACH???

She doesn't do much for my confidence.)

So I guess the word that speaks to me is confidence instead of trust. I don't have confidence in myself. That's one thing my sister said that really mean so much...that she has more confidence in me than I do in myself.

Sorry about your mom's lack of understanding.

My kids would do the happy dance when we had "breakfast dinner" at our house. I bet they still would.

Have you read Captivating by Stasi and John Eldridge (sp?)
I think it would be a great help for you right now, lots of insights into our woman's heart, the wounds we carry, and the hope we have in our Heavenly Father.

I know this place you are at right now. I've been there. All I can say is, when the path is dark and you have no idea where you are going, cling to the Father's hand. He knows the way.

Once I got out of the dark, and through this past year, I decdided to have the Hebrew word for hope and Jer.29:11 tattoed on my upper back. It's become my life verse and I decided that I would carry it with me all the time. I want to share it with you-

"I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord God Almighty "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I still don't know the plan, but I have the hope.

PS: DS19 got his first tattoo the same day-a trinity knot-also on his back. It was family day at the local tattoo shop <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I get that feeling of everything turned inside out. That was certainly my experience of my husband's affair.

When I talk about a trustworthy source, I am talking about external validation, even though everything I am saying CAN apply to yourself as an internal validation.

Right now, a fogged out active wayward is NOT a trustworthy source, yet you believe his Truth about your worth over others far more worthy, like your sister.

Do you see this?

The thing is, self-trust, self-confidence is a new habit you have to create. You can start with CHOOSING to listen to the truth of someone trustworthy, instead of someone who's best interest lies elsewhere.

Better yet, remember that Your Truth does not have to be defined by His Truth. Your fear is talking everytime you go down the path of He-says-he-left-because-I-am-horrible-so-therefore-it-must-be-the-Truth.

As for your mom, we now know where you learned to be a controlling perfectionist, yes?

My sister in law has a mother that was far worse than what you describe.

I used to visit my brother and watch my SIL, stumble around, covered in bruises from bumping into things, clumsy with fear, completely terrified that she was making mistakes, just in trying to cook dinner or care for her children.

She had no self-trust at all.

Today, she is so calm, so at peace, such a wonderful person to sit with and have a cup of tea with.

If she can learn to trust her own self, so can you.