Let me point out also, that when your mother starts in on the gasping...

that's Her Truth.

Your truth should be...that your children do not go hungry.

They are well nourished and healthy.

THAT is your truth. You should not be taking on your Mother's Truth without clear evidence to prove she's right...like...your children starving and a pediatrician telling you that this is the case.

(I was on a Grand Jury. I've seen pictures of children starved by their mother. YOU are not a bad mom.)

This is how you build confidence.

By taking responsiblitly for CHOOSING what you take on as Truth.

Yes. And I am SO much better at it than I was! I indulged that impulse for a moment, and then rejected it (old habits die hard). Having my sister here, and also seeing the awful and UNTRUE things that WH said about me in a legal document turned the corner for me.

Remember my conversation with IC when he congratulated me on responding to those claims (violent and unstable) by wondering what the heck would compell WH to say such things. I wondered what it was about WH that would make him say that....INSTEAD of believing it.

Yay!

I am better than this: better than allowing my emotions to dictate my actions; better than letting a fogged out and addicted WH dictate my self-worth. I am a grown-up; I can do this all on my own.

I am glad that you say that learning self-trust is a process. If I look at it on a continuum, I started out at one end, believing all the awfulness of WH, and now I'm moving away from that....believing the good things that my sister has to say....hopefully moving to the other end where I can see my own worth and trust myself. Confidence in my own worth, because *I* say so, not someone else.

At least I'm moving on the continuum, in the right direction, by listening and believing my sister's voice. I can begin to listen for the whisper of my own grown-up voice.

And my mom's not all bad....the thing is that she worries so much about me. I love her dearly, but her worry rubs off on me and I begin to wonder if I'm as bad off as she thinks. (My sister talked to me about this last night, and said mom does the exact same thing to her, so it's not just me.)

I woke up this morning and didn't think about WH first thing. I thought about the dog, and the fact that I needed to let her out, and getting ready for work, and that I needed to throw the laundry in the dryer so the boys have clean shorts, and that I really needed a cup of coffee....

That dog has been a godsend. What a blessing!! I am so so glad that God brought her to us; she must be an answer to my prayers. Our family of three feels a little more complete. And I can't imagine the family that turned her into the Humane Society! What were they thinking?!?!

(JT: how did you fit all that on your back? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

My mom's Truth....

As with WH, it's hard to shut down her voice because she's my mom and I love her, and I know she loves me, and I so lack confidence in myself.

To her, unless a meal has a meat, a starch, a vegetable and a salad, milk to drink and eaten around the table, it is NOT a meal. Eggs or pancakes for dinner doesn't meet the standard, and certainly not a "backwards meal" when dessert comes first (which we also do on rare occasions, for fun), or an attic picnic (when we get junky frozen things like pizza rolls and eat them in the attic while watching a movie).

She just worries. Mama bear. I do have to work on getting perspective on Her Truth.

Yes, it is a process. Heck I still have the urge to listen to that evil whisper that I am not good enough.

I learned to recognize that for what it is and reject it though.

Of course your mother loves you. But that she loves you does not equate to Right about You.

Unless a pediatrician says you are not properly feeding your children, you can trust your own instincts to ensure that your children are not starving!

Your mother speaks from Her Fear. Her Fear, Her Truth do not have to be yours even if her motivation is Love - you get to choose your truth.

At the end of the day, your mother does not have to live your life - you do.

God gave your boys to you because YOU are the mother they need.

LS:

Do not have anything to add, as BR seems to be covering it, as always....

The external validation you were receiving from your sister for the week was blown away by bad external influences....

Church Lady, Fun at beach, "the boys" etc.

See that?

Good luck this week. It will be better.

LG

BR:

I AM YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW. Check out my SIG LINE...

You can do it too, Sis...JUST LIKE ME...

Reading the recent posts about your mother’s truths reminded me of that old story about the roasting pan.

The new bride is making her first big dinner for her husband and tries her hand at her mother's brisket recipe, passed on to her by HER mother, cutting off the ends of the roast the way her mother insisted that it must be done. Hubby thinks the meat is delicious, but says, "Why do you cut off the ends?; that's the best part!" She answers, "That's the way my mother and my grandmother always made it."

The next week, they go to the grandmother’s house, and she prepares the famous brisket recipe, again cutting off the ends. The young bride is sure she must be missing some vital information, so she asks her grandma why she always cuts off the ends. Grandma says, "Oh sweetie, that's the only way it will fit in my roasting pan!"

There may be a history that makes your mom believe the things she does about certain things that she's just accepted as her truth throughout the years.

LilSis,

I’m going to pass on more words of wisdom that helped me.

Early in recovery, shortly after d-day, when I (actually both of us) were trying to figure out the WHY of the A, one of the things my H said to me was that he thought I didn’t need him.

So here I was, trying to be a stronger person, to be certain I could survive this catastrophic event in my life, to be okay whether our M survived or not, and he dropped that on me. It left me spinning – which way to go now? I needed to be strong, but being strong was apparently one of the things that helped push my H into his A. Talk about being confused! I was a wreck. It took me a long time to figure that one out and move forward.

One day, while skimming through some posts on MB, I came across these words. I no longer know who posted it, and this isn’t the whole post – only what I needed for my own purposes – but here is what I copied down and just found hidden away this weekend while cleaning things out for a garage sale:

“I just continually yielded myself to Him on a daily, sometimes minute by minute basis, and He did the rest. He continued to heal me from the inside out. He constantly loved me no matter what I did or how I felt. And now I am free of the oppression of depression. I still get depressed, but not to that extreme. And it all stemmed from my neediness in my relationship with my husband. I had an unhealthy desire to make him someone he wasn’t and when that didn’t work, I did some really stupid things that just made matters worse. What God has taught me is the NOT ANY MAN can fill the void inside me. No one but Jesus can give me the peace and joy in my spirit that I so desperately sought in the flesh. It was a hard lesson to learn, but God finally brought me to a place of acceptance and understanding. I still struggle with my own neediness, but not near as much and for not near as long. The peace that surpasses all understanding resides in me and no one can take that away. I can give it away if I am not careful, but no one can take it away”

For a long time I gave that peace away. I let the OW have it many, many times. I also gave it to my H. I can give it away to all sorts of people for the silliest things. The thing I have to remember is: it is mine to give, and that is a choice I make – whether conscious or not.

When I let me emotions rule, that peace can fly out of me faster than the speed of light.

I had thought about recommending “Captivating” to you, also. But to me, if you haven’t read “Wild at Heart” first, it may not make us much sense. As the mother of boys, I would highly recommend reading “Wild at Heart” anyway. My copy is currently with DD #1 who has a 3 year old son. And my copy of “Captivating” is with my best friend who is finding her way through life post-divorce. They are pretty easy reading and, to me, well worth the time.

I am beginning to understand this self-trust/trust in God issue intellectually. It seems that my pattern is to "get it" intellectually (usually slooooowly), and only then can I begin to "get it" emotionally....but it takes a really, really, really long time to click into place.

Look how long it has taken for me to allow WH to own his choice to have an A. A year. Sheesh.

So anyway....today...

It is DS's 9th b-day. Yesterday and today the boys are with WH, returning this evening....so it is the first time in his life that I am not there in the AM of a b-day to give huge hugs and tons of kisses and smiles and ILYs and WOW you are a year older and I think you GREW overnight!!!

We have plans for tomorrow, but still....

DS11's b-day last November was awful. I called my friend LK at something like 5 a.m., sobbing on the kitchen floor. LK and I both delivered our first babies on the same day (our lives have crossed paths in the most bizzare ways). How could he, how could he, after we shared so much, created life together...that total disbelief.

Today, on DS9's b-day, it's nothing like that. The thing that hurts the most today is that I'm not present when he wakes up. He's such a tenderhearted little boy, I hope he gets what he needs this morning.

There is that little twinge of "I'll never be able to share the memory of DS9s birth with anyone again." I know you all will say never say never; don't make assumptions about the future, etc.

The thing is...it's just a twinge. I feel so disconnected from WH. The happy memory of DS9's birth is something I have for myself. Apparently (and surprisingly), it isn't something I HAVE to share.

It is sad that it can't be shared....sad for DS9 especially, that he will never have the opportunity to sit down with his mom and dad--in the security of his home and family--and hear the story of how I went to the hospital, what time he was born, what each of us remember and how happy we were together to meet him and bring him into our little family.

My sadness is for DS9, not me. Do you see what I mean?

The thing is....I feel like I have no feelings left for WH. I feel as if he is a stranger that I have no desire to know or have any kind of relationship with. I feel as if he has crossed the point of no return....MY point of no return.

Is the love bank is so deeply in the red that the account has been closed?

When I think about where he is and what he has become, it is mind-boggling. In spite of the opportunities that I gave him to do the right thing, in spite of the obvious pain to those he "cares" about, in spite of the financial and emotional cost, WH moves doggedly forward. He has dug himself a hole that is so deep that I can no longer see him down there at the bottom. And he's still digging.

I don't know that I have any respect left for WH.

Maybe this is the consistency theory that SB was talking about. Maybe there's a little nugget of something hidden away in the recesses of my heart that my mind is keeping locked up for safekeeping.

I'm not going to dwell on it because none of it is at issue today....I'm just throwing it out there....one of those things that comes to me at o-dark-thirty when the dog wakes me up because she heard an unfamiliar noise.

All that said....I'm going to have a good day today! And try to live it FULLY and consciously.

THIS is a good decision.

The love bank can be rebuilt, IF your husband chooses to come home. Otherwise, you are going to be just fine.

So what I've been told is that what's left in your love bank is locked up tight inside your Plan B. You can't feel it, you shouldn't go looking for it, and don't worry about it, but it's probably still in there. This is why they wail on us so hard when we slip out of our Plan Bs, because we put it at risk.

Are you having a good day? I hope so.

SD: I suppose you are right....it's strange, though, not having a sense that there's anything there...a little scary.

Taking D for a walk this afternoon, I realized how much I am looking forward to being happy again. What Fox is saying on her thread....about not having what it takes to go through recovery even if it ever WERE an option (totally paraphrasing here)...I can really, really relate to that.

But it's okay...because TODAY was an okay day. Not fabulous or particularly notable, but I got my work done, we laughed a lot at lunch, I got a long walk in with D, and I am having tomatoes from the garden for dinner. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Good job, good friends, nice dog, fresh tomatoes, and the boys will be home soon, so I can hug my little 9yo! Much to be grateful for.

Hey There!

how are Michigan tomatoes anyway?
i grew up and N.J. and jersey grows the BEST tomatoes....ohio's are SO bland and mushy.

anyway...you sound good. i am glad. i think it is smart for you to move forward and away from WH. Recovery is VERY difficult and unless your WH makes some MAJOR changes, i wouldn't wish it on you.
but, i sure would love to see you happy!

I'm with you, Sis. Most of the time I think if I never saw the SCQ again, it would be fine. But we don't know what will happen, do we?

Glad your day was good.

(((Sis)))

sd: No, we don't know what will happen, but we do know that we will make it through. We are doing what we need to do for ourselves and mostly for our kids. And as sad as it is for us and the kids, we can't help that others aren't doing the same.

I'm glad you had a good day, too.

nia: Mushy tomatoes? Yuck. In another week, mine will be perfect. I keep going out and picking the first just ripe ones, but they could actually stand to be on the vine just a few more days so the flavor develops. I love a really ripe tomato with salt and pepper, a little fresh mozarella if I have some, and fresh basil from DS11's herb garden.

There is nothing like eating a tomato that's just been picked, still warm from the garden.

You should have seen D (the dog) when the boys arrived home last night. She was tearing around the house, licking their faces, tail whipping back and forth. I've never seen her so excited. DS9 was laughing so hard (and he's got this GREAT belly laugh) that I thought he would pee his pants. The boys were delighted with her welcome.

It was wonderful for me, too. There is a completeness about our little family now with D, like she fills a little bit of the hole left by WH. Or maybe that she distracts us from the hole.

a really ripe tomato with salt and pepper, a little fresh mozarella if I have some, and fresh basil from DS11's herb garden
___________________


that is 1 of my very favorites!
yum.

have a wonderful day!

btw, I really think you should re-read what Abendrule wrote - her story is exactly what every BS use for perspective.

Abendruhe's right. Although I don't believe that WH will ever become physically abusive (it would cost him his job), he certainly will take his personal baggage (garbage) with him where ever he goes until he's ready to really look at himself.

Deep down, he knows that what he will see is pretty ugly and awful, so he won't really look....and as a matter of fact, he can project the ugly and awful onto me. The ugly and awful is THERE, and it has to have a home, and he sure doesn't want it, so he can pretend it is mine.

This works far better for him, I imagine. In the short term, anyway. And I suspect that his pride and stubborn nature will allow him to dig his heels in and put off self reflection for a looooong time. If he ever does....because he can always find someone else to blame. For now, I am the target. In time, it may be RT, or his parents, or someone at work, or the boys.

I am sad for him. It must be a frightening place to be. He's pulled the pin on a hand grenade, and he keeps passing it off to other people, but it eventually it is going to keep coming back into his hands, and it's gonna blow. That's scary.

I can understand how he "fell into" an A. I understand how I wasn't meeting his needs and was controlling. That was all stuff that we could have worked through, with the right help. Neither one of us were willing to look at OUR OWN ugly and awful. Neither one of us knew what to do....we were both acting on emotion.

The thing is, he still is acting on emotion, and I am trying very, very hard to do the opposite. I believe that I have come a long way...at least to the point where I can recognize when I am reacting emotionally, or from fear. Now that I can recognize it (at least in hindsight), hopefully I'll achieve the ability to nip it in the bud. To make a choice about how I respond.

Right now I choose to get out of the way and let WH juggle that grenade all on his own. He may toss it at me, but I'm not going to catch it.

Okay, stop now. I am STARVING. I skipped dinner last night and reading about these wonderful tomatos is torture! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree LS.


I've felt a lot of sympathy and empathy for your WH. He's not ready to take a peek at the ugly. He's still trying to cover it up or hand it off. But its still there. But *oh my* does he have some pain coming.

He's still masking all of his pain with "fixes". He's been using two primary fixes -- 1) blaming you, and 2) expecting RT to mask the pain.

Since you have removed yourself from the triangle, RT now gets both -- the blame and the expectation.
Its when he starts to look at himself that his pain begins and you can expect H to return.

And that depends on how long RT can meet his expectations. And when she fails how much blame RT is willing to accept. She doesn't strike me as a gal who will try to smooth things over to make him happy. She's a full fledged TAKER. You were a Giver, thats why you shouldered that for so long.

Its all still coming. I feel sorry for him.