Hey fox. I agree...school-age kids have it really tough. They crave the affection and attention of both parents, and desperately need the security of knowing they are loved and cared for. Thrust in this situation, everything turns upside down.

27: It is a journal, isn't it? I think of it as journaling, with the added bonus of feedback. It is so cathartic to just get the thoughts out right through my fingertips. It's cleansing. Thank you for your assurances that I'll be okay.

I don't quite feel it at the moment. I've been up since 3:30 unable to sleep...I'm coming down with a cold and I'm achy and my throat hurts. I tossed for about a half hour in bed and finally decided to come down and have a cup of tea with honey.

Tossing and turning like that--in the dark---reminded me too much of the days after d-day when I would wake at 4 a.m. and lay there in utter despair, completely hopeless and lost.

Remembering those times made me afraid...and I started to go back there...thinking those same awful thoughts. It is frightening how easy it is to go back there.

Every now and then the enormity and the awfulness of what WH has done hits me like a ton of bricks. Laying in bed with a ton of bricks on top of me is not healthy...so here I am.

The boys and I had a pretty good weekend. We got a lot of yard work done, and I got some spectacular pictures of them playing in the leaf piles. The light was perfect. It's supposed to snow this week.

Tonight will be the first night that the boys do a school-night overnight with WH. On the bright side, I can get to bed early and hopefully kick this cold.

Deep down, honest bottom line: I am jealous of any time that WH spends with the boys. I don't feel like he deserves it, or them.

How's that for petty and awful? I suppose acknowledging those feelings, however, is the first step in letting go of them.

Now I'm finally tired, and of course it's almost time to get up anyway...

Dear Sis ~

The feelings are there because you choose to give your WH and his vile mistress power in your life.

Pain is a given - you have no control over the horrible choices that your WH inflicted on you and yours....

But the choice to hang on - the choice to keep misery close...that is yours.

As for RT - your children are going to have to interact with vile, disgusting people as adults. So why not use this as an opportunity, while they are children, to help them learn how to interact and stay detached from evil. Better to learn with your help than try to negotiate that as adults.

Find whatever scrap of good you can in all of this and leverage it for your children in anyway you can.

You are actually doing quite well. Hang in there.

I couldn't disagree more.

Sis did not "choose" to give those two any power at all over her life. Those two started making decisions about Sis's life and her children's lives without her getting a vote in the matter. Unfortuately, the courts have forced her to allow those two to have power over Sis's life by forcing her to let her children go and stay with them. Otherwise, I'm sure Sis would have removed herself and her children entirely from those two and REALLY not allowed them any further power over her life.

They DO have power over Sis's life but it sure ain't Sis's "choosing to allow this." And I think that expecting a mother to simply ignore and rise above the fact that she is force to allow her children to spend time with a cheating ex and his flaunted wh0re is utterly unrealistic.

Again, Sis, I still think there is something up with your XWH. There was no cake-eating on his part and no false recoveries, and he moved out not to live with his girlfriend but to live with Mommy and Daddy. Yeah, I know she supposedly loses alimony if they live together or get married, but how many men abandon their families for a woman who won't live with him? And he seems perfectly content with this arrangement. Wonder how long he'll let it go on?

I am curious enough to ask what you know about his dating history before you started going out with him -
Mulan

Morning SIS! I hope that you feel better soon! Hope that cup of tea did you some good...and you were able to rest!

just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I completely agree. I hear what BR says and I agree with her that Lil Sis should not be consumed by things she can't control. It will serve no purpose except upset her. BUT and I can relate as I am in the same sitch, I will never do anything that supports, encourages, condones, enables, or otherwise justifies the illegitmate relationship between ex WW and lunatic OM as it relates to my children. There will be as many enforceable boundaries as I can possible create within the confines of the law and court order. I will not simply go along, work with, co parent, etc in any way that props up their R and introduction of my children into their bull **** R.........

There's two different types of power here. One is the actual "legal" standing that in fact WH has with regard to the boys; his "rights" as a father. The other is my own personal power and ability to take charge of my attitude, my frame of mind, how I live my life. BR's talking about the latter.

If I had my choice, WH would not have them overnights, nor would he have any say in determining what is "best" for them. I have no control over that. I can exert no power there. Unfortunately.

OTOH, maintaining my hold on my own PERSONAL power requires constant vigilance. This is where I have control. When I'm vulnerable, tired, stressed, I become susceptible to relinquishing that power.

Does this make sense?

In terms of my personal power, it's sort of that teeter totter thing I was thinking about with sd; that letting go is not a clean process. There's back and forth, but now I am far better equipped to deal with those vacillations than I was a year ago.

Mulan: Psychoanalyzing WH is interesting but ultimately pointless. I can only speculate, and it's a waste of time. What I do know: he's looking at a house with 4 bedrooms, so I imagine the plan is that he and RT will make things more official. RT only gets spousal support for two years, and one year is up in January, so maybe they will just bide their time.

And why shouldn't he take advantage of his parent's hospitality? He's staying there rent- and expectation-free, and MIL is a live-in babysitter when he has the kids. Besides, pretty soon they will be going back to AZ and be out of his hair.

The whole THING is WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD...it must make sense in their little universe (ILs, WH and RT), but to the rest of the world, it is just strange.

I'm sure there is some weird psychological thing (or a combination of things) going on...how can a person do what he has done and NOT have some sort of underlying issues? I've got enough to worry about with my own recovery and with helping the boys.

I can only protect them (as hap says) within the confines of the law and court order. Other than that, I do the best I can to help them navigate a horrible set of circumstances over which none of us have control.

Hey Rin. The tea helped, but of course it put me to sleep about a half hour before the alarm went off...

well said Mulan.

Always works that way! LMAO...

i'm ready for lunch...that's usually my nap time during the day...one minute trip home and I'm good! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope you sleep better tonight!

(((SIS)))

I don't know whether or not these are thoughts that we 'should' be having, Sis, but I certainly have them. My children deserve a better parent than the SCQ. But this is one of those things that I need to let go of.

Mulan ~ LilSis can continue to define herself as a victim...or she can choose to not waste her precious emotional and spiritual energy on WH and RT.

She can't control what they do. She can control her reaction.

She can choose to be sucked into their dysfunction...or she can choose to step out of the mess and into her own happy, joyous and free life that no longer gives any power to those who want and need her life to be disrupted.

But hey, if you think that reminding Sis that she's a victim will validate her and make things better...go right ahead!

I did not say that Sis was a "victim". Victims are helpless and she is not.

I did say that she is stuck with a sickening situation that is beyond her control, and that if she IS sickened by it it's not her fault for "choosing to allow it to affect her".

I don't see where she has any choice BUT to be sucked into their dysfunction as long as she is forced to allow her children to spend time at Dysfunction Central.

If she could keep her kids away from them 100% of the time, I would agree with you. But she can't do that. The law forbids it.

I hope I am validating whatever anger and disgust she does feel at this situation. Maybe *you* could rise above the rage and disgust of being forced to send your young children to spend time with the man who abandoned them and the wh0re who helped destroy their family, but I sure as h*ll couldn't and if Sis is feeling something of the same I just wanted to let her know she was not alone.
Mulan

It is reassuring to know that others would also be disgusted and deeply troubled by the present circumstances. Sometimes I think I must be the only one IRL who thinks it is sick and twisted (others do, too, I'm sure, but I rarely hear it).

But it is what it is....and I just have to make the best of an UGLY situation.

That means trying to keep myself strong and healthy (physically and emotionally, because the former effects the latter).

It means being grateful for the many blessings that I do have in my life...of which a devoted husband is not one.

It means that tonight, on the first school night that the boys are away, I pamper myself instead of feeling sorry for myself....even though the sorry and loneliness is there.

It means taking today as today....it is unlikely that RT will invade their lives tonight, so I won't agonize about it.

It means being open and honest with the boys...I may be hurting, but they should never be afraid to talk openly to me about their feelings.

It means being determined to recover from this hurt, even if some days I feel as if I have taken a few steps back.

Like it or not, these are the cards I've been dealt. The hand kinda sucks, but I have to keep playing, and I have better cards than I did a year ago. As long as I can stay in the game, I'm okay...and the boys will be okay.

(((LilSis)))

Sis,

So tell me, what kind of pampering did you give yourself last night??

We all understand, Sis. Each of us has our 'hand' to deal with, and I think that you are doing a marvelous job.

What a cheap and manipulative shot BR.

WH bought a house.

The boys stayed there last night. They are very excited about their new room and all the new stuff that they have there.

They share a bedroom in the downstairs/basement (it's a walkout ranch) and there are two "guest rooms" upstairs along with the master bedroom.

The pets are all there, too.

Are you okay? I could see this being a big trigger.

(((LilSis)))

I can only imagine what you are thinking about the two "guest rooms".

All I can say is think about where you were last year and where you are now. You are stronger, happier, more hopeful. Believe that next year you will be even more so.

I pray this for you!

Absolutely! I am disgusted each time my son has to go to infidelity manor. Does it consume me? No..but does it peeve me just a little, ****** yes. That said, you can only control yourself. I do not give ex WW or OM any power over me but I will enforce enforceable boundaries as it relates to my son come ****** or high water and as supported by the court order. If it causes one of them to have a bad day, tough ****.